April 2007- Untitled Daily Column Project

> Tuesday April 3rd, 2007 < "Spank Your Mind"

Well that was a wash for a Sox opener. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't mean much. I see Carlos Zambrano had another meltdown. If you recall, in the last Cubs opener in Arizona Zambrano got ejected after being taken out of the game while walking from the mound to the dugout. I hope umpires hold a grudge against him, because that kind of sass-mouth will not be tolerated. Carlos, you are not bigger than the game, and somebody needs to rattle your clock, you bad dog!

Well Florida repeated as NCAA National Champions again. About time Ohio State got taken down a notch. Somebody made a crack at Ohio St, that they were going to open the game with 7 straight points, and then Florida would score 34 unanswered points. Boo-yah!

On the 28th of March, the blog celebrated its 3rd birthday. No party was thrown. Unknown to reason, for some reason Geocities has been experiencing a lot of downtime in the past few weeks. I never got this before, and quite frankly, it pisses me off since I can't make any updates.

Iron Chef Kitchen Journal 4/3: Chicken soup

Made about 3 cups worth of soup, cooked some carrots, celery and celery leaf for about an hour, added some concentrated chicken base paste along with some flat egg noodles. It smelled like Thanksgiving and tasted just as good. Tho I may have sliced the carrots too thick, tho last time it was too thin. So I'll have to find a happy medium around 1/4" or so.

> Wednesday April 4th, 2007 < "You can't be that stupid by accident. ..... ....oh come on!!"

You'll see that we've officially started the Barroids Homerun Watch here at the Untitled Daily Column Project. This is a story that has been beaten down to the point that nobody really cares about the homerun record anymore, and will be one of the darkest days in baseball since Pete Rose admitted to gambling and "betting on the Reds every single night that he managed them". You bet your ass that all involved on the legal side of this will be working their asses off to get as much evidence as possible against Bonds to get him convicted. About the best we can hope for, is actual proof, and MLB suspending him indefinitely. It is also a note that no player in the history of the game hit more than 22 homeruns past the age of 42, and Bonds will be 43 shortly. As for the players side, there will still be the cocky stupid assholes who will keep pitching to him, thinking they can beat this Science Specimen and there will be stupid disillusioned fans who will cheer this achievement. "Why?", I ask. "Are you stupid?", I ask. Well once it becomes official, we will all stop caring, and Bonds will get the ultimate gratification for his massive ego. Not that MLB was pure or anything, but this will be the nail in the coffin. And to be technical, steroids weren't tested in MLB until 2003, but antibiotic steroids have been illegal in this country since like 1989. And last time I checked, the US laws were above all MLB rules.

Turning to television, I'm awaiting the word on Fox's awful sitcom, "The Winner" to be canceled after its 6-episode order was completed. Oh boy, another sitcom about the 1990s. This show is a total rip-off of "Get A Life" which was on Fox in the early 90s, and without doubt The Winner had some of the worst writing I have ever seen in a sitcom, and appeals only to 13 year olds and predators. But at least on the plus side, "The King of Queens", the last sitcom still on the air from the 1990s is ending in May, and is also the longest running sitcom. 2nd longest? Scrubs, despite it only being on every two or three years at a time. 3rd longest? This is just sad...."According To Jim", who came out in 2001 a day after Scrubs. What a sad sorry state sitcoms are in. And all of those who watch "American Idol", you can go to Hell. About the only people stupider who sing for that show are the people who watch them.

> Thursday April 5th, 2007 < "I believe we've come to an understanding of irrelevance."

Retrospective Review 11/22/06

Swing and a miss

Well that was weird. I tried the new Wendy's Jalapeno bacon double cheeseburger. Basically, it's a pattie, topped with pepperjack cheese, bacon, sliced jalapenos swimming in a cheddar cheese sauce and another pattie on top of that.

First things first: bacon and jalapenos are weird together, you don't need the bacon. Secondly, once you bite the jalapenos, you can't even taste the cheese or the meat, so you don't need any fancy cheddar sauce or pepperjack cheese, just use the american cheese that's lying around. And I say this after having a jalapeno cheeseburger with american cheese from a local restaurant on Friday, and that was fucking tasty.

> Friday April 6th, 2007 < "I never lost my faith in my ability to not succeed."

It was a bowling day. I haven't bowled in weeks, since probably mid February. I was very rusty, and only ended up bowling a 97 and a 107, down about 15-25 pins. My biggest problem is picking up the spare. I had some 8's & 9's on the first ball, but the biggest problem was the 7th pin, which of course is hell on the lefty bowler. About halfway through the 2nd game, my right leg started to give out, but it was over-come. I only had 2 strikes and picked up the spare maybe 25% of the time. My legs felt weak at first, but once I started putting some arm into it, it rolled better.

Tonight's Sox game was canceled due to the cold, with temps around 20. Today they had highs of 45 in Dallas with snow flurries in the forecast, apparently a first-ever for April. So do you still believe in global warming now? MLB seriously needs to trim down the schedule from 162 to 150-146. A loss of 6 to 8 home games wouldn't be the end of the world, and I suppose you could make that up by playing a week's worth of Spring Training exhibition games at home or something. Or actually just not raise prices for once.

And another tasty bowl of New England Clam Chowder soup for lunch. I had so many versions of it, some vastly different than others, and all generally were great. Tho the cheap canned versions suck.

Television: "You wouldn't let your child do THIS, would you??" **shows little kid eating lunch on the front sidewalk with people walking around him** "You could have as many or more germs on your counter as there!"
Me: "Yes, yes I would let my child eat off the floor. I'm not falling for your little deceiving trick to buy more soap!"

> Saturday April 7th, 2007 < "Self Defecation Blues"

Retarded Idea
By Dolph Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

Scrap divisions. Scrap 'em! Rivalries and league affiliation be damned. And since that doesn't matter, we can have 6 divisions of 5 teams. Let's draw them up based on team payroll, market and general revenue.

Rich Uncle Pennybags
New York Yankees
Boston Red Sox
New York Mets
Chicago Cubs
California Angels

2nd Class East
Philadelphia Phillies
Detroit Tigers
Baltimore Orioles
Toronto Blue Jays
Washington Nationals

Aqualung
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Florida Marlins
Pittsburgh Pirates
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers

And of course the pure genius (idiocy) of this, is divisions would fluctuate every year based on how much a team spends, and also, you could spend $300 million and still finish in last place. The hardest travel schedule would be the two top divisions, while the bottom two would have the easiest. Tho I'm pondering about a balanced schedule, this league isn't about balance, and thus would play the majority (if not all) of your games within your division. Wouldn't ESPN drool at the thought of 37 Red Sox / Yankees games (with a sensible 148 game schedule). Or an unbalanced schedule of the top 2 divisions vs themselves exclusively, then the two 2nd Class divisions within, then the bottom 2 divisions, sort of a Pool A, B, C kind of thing. On giving them stupid division names (which is just better in general) I thought of naming the 2nd Class East "Middle Class East", but that sounds rather "iffy". "Median East" sounds odd.

Also the idea behind this is to get teams in the playoffs that haven't in years. The idea is also the motivation of teams, whether they'd curb spending to avoid getting in a tougher division, tho generally there's really only 3 classes. A team could bastard-out and fall to an easier division and thus dominate that. But higher payrolls don't always equal playoffs. Or teams bastard-outing to get out of a tougher division only to get forced back into it. And finally, as for the 2nd toughest division, I thought about going with "Fortunate Son", but I just don't want to deal with that god damn asshole John Fogerty about royalties.

Beneficial Nephew / Fortunate Son
Chicago White Sox
Seattle Mariners
Atlanta Braves
San Francisco Giants
Los Angeles Dodgers

2nd Class West
San Diego Padres
Texas Rangers
Houston Astros
St. Louis Cardinals
Cleveland Indians

Common Wealth
Oakland A's
Kansas City Royals
Minnesota Twins
Arizona Diamondbacks
Colorado Rockies

> Sunday April 8th, 2007 < "Porky's butthole."

A recent survey shows that a whopping 81:1 ratio that Americans prefer Garfield to Heathcliff in the orange cat comic strip character.

"Garfield reflects the American Persona much better than Heathcliff. Garfield likes to sleep all day, hates Mondays, likes to eat a lot and lay on his ass, and has a general disdain for almost everything and is an active proponent of "kicking the dog". Healthcliff, seems too pro-active, whores himself to embarrassing levels, is constantly getting arrested and playing with little girls, steals relentlessly, has a rather high opinion of himself and is really stuck up and spoiled, and there's no real given instance that actually proves his impeccable strength. Is this the kind of portrayal of Americans we really want to give? Tho keep in mind, nobody has read either strip in years, but it's still worth pointing out."

> Monday April 9th, 2007 < " 'He got fired because he wasn't senile enough.' "

What the HELL???? NBC canceled Andy Parker P.I. after only 4 episodes??? What the hell?? This is bullshit! This is the 3rd canceled show for Andy Richter! And each time, he gets canceled sooner and sooner! Sure "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" was a bit weak and "Quintuplets" blew (tho that was due to the shitty Fox writers and teen dominated cast. You could have cast any two dickheads as the parents and it still would had failed) but this show had an interesting cast, memorable lines and experienced actors, along with Conan O'Brien backing it as the creator. Tho I found it odd that suddenly Conan O'Brien was writing mysteries. But nevertheless, they should have given it a chance to gain an audience, and no self respecting network would debut of a show with its alumni in the middle of March when everybody else is showing reruns. That's retarded. And NBC, being the cheap bastards they are, who cut $10 million from SNL's budget this season, cost couldn't have been the main issue, given the cheap cast, low production orders & don't have a pompous asshole like Alec Baldwin & talentless hack Scarface Tina Fey like on 30 Rock. BOOOO!!!

> Tuesday April 10th, 2007 < "fuck...shit... asshole-motherfucker! fuck....shit...asshole-motherfucker all together, now!"

Another swing and a miss

Food review: Wendy's 4 Alarm Spicy Chicken sandwich

Another go around for Wendy's and their use of jalapenos. This is advertised as "4 alarm" spicy hot and comes with spicy breaded chicken, pepperjack cheese, lettuce, tomato, chipotle sauce and jalapenos on a "freshly" baked bread bun. Upon opening this thing, it was huge. 5" by 5" square and about 2 1/2" high. The first few bites were chickeny, then the chipotle sauce took over every other flavor. Very mild spice, 4 alarm my ass. Stupid advertising gimmick. Eventually at the end, I ate each ingredient individually. The chicken had a mild flavor, the bread had no flavor and the sauce absorbed in everything. You might as well had gotten two .99 cent chicken sandwiches and sprinkled on your own chipotle sauce & added your own peppers. It would be less than half of the cost, too.

> Wednesday April 11th, 2007 < "start to run, try to hide, break out the drugs on the happy slide!"

Cubs game got snowed out today, as well as a Boston game & a whole weekend Indians series. Isn't it obvious that MLB needs to shorten its season? Something is seriously wrong when it snows at both the beginning and end of your seasons. I like how they fucked over the Cleveland fans when they opened the ballpark and let the fans sit and freeze to death for hours before finally calling the game. Especially when it's the same fans who risked their lives driving through the snow storm and put up with the slippery road conditions.

Wow! Rare series win in Oakland for the Sox! First time in nearly 7 years. Granted, they only go to Oakland once or twice a year, but still.

> Thursday April 12th, 2007 < "he'll change your weather, he'll change your luck, he'll teach you how to ...fuck yourselves..."

I don't like my TV.

Another typical House episode Tuesday night, same mysterious illness, same multiple misdiagnosis, same gross effects and a filler subplot. Tho I was rather shocked and grossly mortified to see King of Queens Doug's airheaded & ditsy mother play a senior citizen lesbian who ordered a prostitute. Of course, don't worry, the old fart passed out due to a decontamination leak before they got it on. I really don't know where this show is going, either that if House ever fixes his crippled leg, or if he invents a cure for cancer or AIDS, which should have happened a long time ago. And Fox is doing no favors to itself, showing it Monday, Tuesday and Friday nights. The older episodes were by far superior and faster paced.

And now for the sorry state of Scrubs. It's painfully obvious that Scrubs is out of gas in Season 6. Tonight's episode rehashed another old plot, the "Dr. Cox really enjoys being everyone's go-to guy". I know this show is really hard to write for, but the creative juices just aren't flowing anymore. It's turned more into a soap, which is even more sorry. And this isn't the first time this season they rehashed a plot. Speaking of which, Scrubs is the 2nd longest sitcom running on TV (tho that's an oxymoron because Scrubs comes on like ever 22 months with new episodes). The longest running sitcom? The King of Queens, since '98, which is just sad. But it's ending soon, so that's good! 3rd longest running sitcom? The dreadful and painfully painful "According To Jim", who debuted a day after Scrubs did. I'm finding myself watching as little primetime as I ever did before. Is it just because it's mostly garbage, or I'm lazy, or I have fussy tastes? It's probably a combination of all 3.

> Friday April 12th, 2007 < "baby, you are not my friend."

Ok kiddies, NCAAF has changed their rules again from last season:

The clock no longer will start at the referee's ready signal after a change of possession. It will start on the snap.

On kickoffs, the clock will not start until the ball is touched legally on the field of play.

Kickoffs will be moved back to the 30 yard line to prevent touchbacks thus designed to speed up the game. Play clock will be limited to 15 seconds after a TV timeout. The new rules also limit charged team timeouts in televised games to 30 seconds plus the 25-second play clock. Fun.

I guess enough coaches bitched and bitched about how their crummy team had less time to get off plays last season. Yeah, your team went 0-12 because the game went by too fast. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

> Saturday April 14th, 2007 < " **angerly** 'Look at all you folks...standin' in line!!!' "

Pattie Melt Review 4/14/07

Was delicious. On rye with super sharp cheddar cheese, saut�ed onions & mushrooms. Grilled burger pattie on grill, blotted off grease. Decided not to toast the rye bread this time to avoid dryness. Saut�ed some mushrooms & diced onions in olive oil. To avoid irregular & small pieces of mushroom, sliced it into quarters & then split those in half to make triangular pieces for exact sizes for even cooking time. Also wanted more toppings to meat ratio, so made a small side of a rye sandwich w/ cheese, onions & mushrooms & cut down on mess. Served with chilled Dr. Pepper, water, Lay's pringles & some natural cheese crackers. Next time will chop up more onions. Excellent switch from butter to olive oil, cooks faster, more healthy, doesn't blacken / burn the food.

But I will tell you what sucks: the Sox left 21 men on base in 9 innings in Cleveland today. Somehow 3 walks, 8 hits = 21 men left on base. You ain't gonna win games doing that, and they got shutout by Paul "Fucking Loser" Byrd. And once again, Joe "Fucking Turd" Crede was the biggest choker of them all going 0-4 with 5 LOB. Another wasted solid effort by our # 5 starter: 5.1 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 1 BB, 4 K. 10 K's in 11 inning and 0 run support. You're not gonna win games with no run support. There's no ties in baseball. I also noticed that it seems like both Chicago teams play both Ohio teams at the same time.

> Sunday April 15th, 2007 < "got all excited and turned the knob for nuthin'!! "

UPDATE: Apparently Yahoo Security has prevented Geocites daily updating due to malicious internet activity. This is the first time in a week that I've had a chance to update the blog. This is really a big pain in the ass and I've already written to Yahoo, who will promptly ignore it.

Friday night Barroids hit not one but two homeruns in Pittsburgh, who broke out their new Friday Night red vests with black letters & numbers with yellow trim. Suffice to say, it is the ugliest red jersey in the history of time, and was absolutely horrible to look at. We should burn the jerseys, for being not only ugly, but cursed. And now, Timothy Bohus's 2007 baseball picks. Check back here in October.

_al east_

new york
boston
toronto
tampa
baltimore

_nl east_

new york
philadelphia*
atlanta
florida
washington

Wild card - *
_playoffs_

_wildcard_
la of a over nyy
detroit over oakland
nym over hou
la over phi

_lcs_
la of a over detroit
la over nym

_ws_
lad over laa

_al central_

detroit
minnesota
chicago
cleveland
kansas city

_nl central_

houston
chicago
st louis
milwaukee
cincinnati
pittsburgh

_al west_

oakland
los angeles of anaheim*
texas
seattle

_nl west_

los angeles
san diego
san francisco
arizona
colorado

> Tuesday April 17th, 2007 < "i'm drivin' w/ 'em erections, i got no directions..."

Channel changes on TV. Rachael Ray talk show comes on.

Female guest: "After 46 weeks, I've lost 2 .3 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Rachael Ray: "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!"
Rachael Ray: "Who wants bacon???"
the women: "Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!"

**changes channel**

Man: "People die with regrets. Not me.
I did it. I took that chance. I was stupid. I took chances based on "well, what could it hurt?" Well, it hurt, and it hurt bad. It ruined my life. I would had been better not knowing, but my stupid curiosity didn't stop me. It was too overwhelming and it led me to suffering and it sucks. I'm bitter, sad, mad, still with nothing, and feeling worse before than I did."

NBC: "The more you know!"

**turns TV off**

> Monday April 16th, 2007 < "Death Watch '96."

Why Chicago shouldn't have the Olympics:

Because it's a stupid idea. It's a dumb idea and it costs way too much and it'll be way too much hassle. Like traffic isn't bad enough as it is. Plus there's no real concise way to do this, there's no Olympic sized stadium for Track & Field, everything that's needed is scattered all over the city, and there was talk that some things would have to be played in Minneapolis & in Indiana. Plus there's dorm issues, issues of cost, issues of facilities, not to mention the unstability of a largely concentrated area of people. Plus it'll be in a complete annoyance to all the people in and around the city. You don't need the Olympics, you just want it so you can say, "I'm the cocksucker that brought the 2016 Olympics to the City. That's part of my family's legacy". It's a good thing that this deal has little chance in hell of actually happening, and the information gathered on this proves this, too.

Chicago is just so full of itself. They're cocky motherfuckers. Motherfuckers who don't know how to manage a budget or control their police force, or even how to govern without absolute corruption. Chicago, you may be a nice city but you're run like a dumb motherfucker. If you were a person, your brain would have collapsed on itself and disintegrated a long time ago. Maybe Mrs. O'Leary's cow was trying to burn you down for a reason.

> Wednesday April 18th, 2007 < "Your stupidity is my financial gain."

**moans** "I still haven't adjusted to the adjustment of Day Light Savings Time!!"

On Sunday's Sox / Indians game, how in the hell do you lose when your team pitches a 1-hitter??! The Indians did, by playing Lawyer Ball. And of course, the perennial Fuck Up of Joe 'Fucking Turd' Crede. Crede with 2 of the 3 errors, left 3 of the 12 runners on base and got ejected all by the 6th inning for arguing balls and strikes. You know this fucker is trying to have a huge year since it's his contract year. I hope he tanks big time and doesn't get his money when he leaves elsewhere. It just makes me want to shit myself silly. And then there was other news, in the NBA, referee Crawford got suspended indefinitely after challenging the Spur's Tim Duncan to fight while issuing Duncan's second Technical Foul "while Duncan was sitting on the bench and laughing with his teammates." If you recall, this is the same asshole that issued 4 technical fouls in the first 10 minutes of the Game 2 of the 2003 Western Conference finals that resulted in the Mavs coach & assistant getting ejected (alright nobody saw that, but it's fun to point out).

A non-proverbial fuck up during the Padres / Cubs game yesterday. 10th inning, tied 3-3, 2 out, Derrek Lee due up, Theroit had a 3-1 count, pitch was ball 4. But apparently the Cub's 3rd base coach called time out before pitch. So Theriot goes back to the batter's box, looks at strike 2, and grounds out to 2nd for the 3rd out. By the 10th inning, the ballpark was mostly cleared out on a 60 degree day. Hey! Where you going?? The game's not over!!

> Thursday April 19th, 2007 < "...and each one was more pissed off than the last."

Buehrle tosses no-hitter 4/18/07

By Dolph Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

Chicago - Hell ya. Fuck ya! Soon to be free agent / St. Louis Cardinal pitcher, Mark Buehrle no-hit Sammy Sosuck and the Texas Rangers 6-0 on a cold 40 degree Wednesday night at the Prison Cell. Somehow Buehrle was hitting 91-92 consistently on the radar all night, faced the minimum 27 batters, picked off the only baserunner & walk, (Sammy Steroids Sosuck) struck out 8 and threw 106 pitches. Pretty much the most impressive start of Buehrle's career (which probably added another $1.5 million per year to his pending contract) and had some close calls. Dye brought a Ranger homerun back into the ballpark, Iguchi, Uribe and Turd Crede all made deep, difficult plays to preserve the no-hitter. Local native Jerry Harriston Jr. got ejected in the 3rd after being called out on a head-first slide to first base. Replays showed he was out.

First Sox no-hitter since August 11th 1991 in Baltimore's Memorial Stadium (who at the time had brown patches all over their unkept field) which was Wilson Alvarez's first White Sox start and this first White Sox no-hitter in Chicago since, well, shit, I don't know. Fuck, I'll have to look this up. September 10th, 1967, 6-0 Sox over Tigers. Joe Horlen threw 9 innings of no-hit ball & struck out 4 at Old Comiskey Park. Next to catching a foul ball, I say watching a no-hitter is the greatest thing at a ballpark. Speaking of that, total asshole Eric Ferguson 04/17 of the Sporting News wrote an article http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=198009 on how to make the ballpark experience better. # 4 is and I quote,

"4. You just caught a foul ball: What do you do with it? Give it to the nearest kid, whether or not the two of you are related. Don't show off for the cameras or your friends. Just do a good deed."

Fuck you, asshole. Catching a foul ball is a rare thing and the thrill of a lifetime, and I'm not going to let some little snot nosed shithead get MY ball. He has no idea of the importance or the odds of catching a ball, will most likely lose the fucking ball on the way out of the stadium, and if it somehow actually makes it home, it'll get lost in his sea of filthy, sticky toys which he already has too many of. When I catch a foul ball, I'm going to have all of my friends who went with me to the game & sign it. And eventually, I'll make or buy a stand for it to sit on my desk. That's how you do it. Yeah, just shove a hot dog & some soda up Jr's ass and he'll be fine at the game. Stinkin' lil shit. And children or not, I'm not going to stop cussing (see # 3) for their benefit. If I want to call Sammy Sosuck a "steroid using phony sack of shit Pigfucker", well that's my business. Besides, children love cuss words. I sure as hell did as a 6-year old. And if I want to make random off-topic observations and be vocal about, that's my business too.

Oh ya, congrats to Mark Buehrle!!!

> Friday April 20th, 2007 < "study shows music causes symptoms of schizophrenia"

Son in sync with jumps: "POUND and SEE! POUND and SEE!" **stops jumping** "Hahahaha dad I'm jumping on the roof of your car!"
Father: "I am going to break his fingers off."

**cut to scene**

Son while on phone: "Yeah. I found a great way to make money is to take my dad's tools & golf clubs to the metal recycling center!"
Father: "I am going to break all of his toys."

**cut to scene**

Son: "Hahahahahaha stupid old man!" **leaves room**
Father: "I am going to destroy him."

**show's splash screen**

Voice-over: "Dead Kid" returning this fall on ABC!

> Saturday April 21st, 2007 < "Sit down and shut up! Let them play! Don't sing along!"

**brushing hair with tool**

Female Host: "I still don't know what this item is. It looks like a brush or a mini rake or maybe some kind of back or neck scratcher..."

Guest: "Still don't know? Maybe somebody in the audience knows!"

Female Host: "Yeah, it's definitely not a toothbrush. Maybe it's an arm scratcher or a leg scratcher or a hair brush...."

Guest: "It's actually a rectum cleaner."

Female Host: "OH MY GOD I'm GONNA DIE! EWWWWWW EWW EWW EWW!! I had this in my MOUTH!!! Oh PUKE!! Blech!! Bleeeeeech!!! HURL!!! Oh my GOD!!!"

Guest: **smiles & flips palms in the air** "This is fun! I love this game!"

Female Host: **dry heaves** "Blecccccccccccch! Bleccccccccccch! Hauuuuuuuckkkkkk!!"

**audience applauds**

end

Buehrle tosses no-hitter

> Sunday April 22nd, 2007 < "I have gotten a lot of bad advice from people, especially for school. That's my advice to you."

What I know and what I've declared. Let's start with the Overrated.

Overrated:
The 1960s & especially 1967. I think we've heard enough about the stupid 1960s and all that hippie peace love crap. Soon when it hits 2010, the year 1960 will be 50 years old. I'm tired of hearing about it & especially the music. At least we'll have the joy of watching the last authentic hippie actually die and finally be freed of the Earth.

Wrigley Field
Tear the dump down. The Cubs have never won anything at Wrigley, and they never will. Fans are getting restless when their ticket prices keep skyrocketing for the same cramped seat in the same tiny dirty ballpark where people piss in a filthy trough. The ballpark is a whole design flaw in itself. It faces straight North, when a ballpark should face Southeast or Southwest. The seats are cramped, there's no room for concessions, hours are spent waiting in line to piss & get food, and I'm pretty sure all the offices & dugouts are outdated, no matter how much renovation they've gone under. And there's something seriously wrong with your ballpark if the weather that MUCH of an X factor. Besides, you know they'll have to tear it down one day. The plan will be to tear down the offices & building & upper deck, while leaving the field, ivy and bricks alone, and play home games in Milwaukee for 2-3 years. The White Sox have already rejected the Cubs to play in the Cell. Heheheh. And besides, it's a new age in sports, and the era of the old & c.lassic ballpark is dead. Ballparks are just mere playing fields anymore and they're designed solely to maximize profits and cater to convenience. Romance is dead. Deal with it.

What I declared:

Get RID of commercials during baseball games! I'm tired of seeing the same god damned commercial 17 times a game! No I won't test drive your crappy car, no I won't drink your cheap pisswater beer and no I won't fly Southwestern Airlines! I'd gladly settle for either a blank screen or pan the stadium or just listen to the announcers talk for 45 to 75 seconds. Imagine uninterrupted baseball games. That'd be sweet.

After much careful consideration, and after have eaten hundreds, if not thousands of burgers, I have finally picked the perfect burger. After considering many, many different ingredients and combinations, I've finally decided. The pattie would be grilled with charcoal and wood chips, that's a given. No thicker than a half inch. The ingredients would be deli-style American cheese & sweet onion. No lettuce, no tomato, no bacon, no mushrooms, no barbeque sauce, no Frisco sauce, no pickles, no Swiss or Cheddar cheese and especially absolutely no mustard or ketchup. For me, nothing ruins food like ketchup. It just takes over the flavor of everything, and the other ingredients are nice but not essential. White bun, fresh and untoasted with no butter or mayo or Miracle Whip spread on, pattie with melted American cheese & sliced or diced sweet onion. Simple? Yes. Plain? Yes. Plus a good cheese to meat ratio as well. Some places dress up their bland and tasteless bulky meat with numerous ingredients in an attempt to serve a "quality flavorful burger". But they are wrong. And remember, use REAL cheese. None of this Kraft singles / individually wrapped stuff. Kraft makes horrible products and their cheese is Kraft Krap.

> Monday April 23rd, 2007 < "Yeah that's right...give yourself some applause after clapping along throughout the entire song thus ruining it. Yes, give yourself some applause!"

Interesting bit during yesterday's Sox / Tigers game. The Tiger's pitcher had the ball in his hands, took his cap off, then threw it to 1st base, where 1st baseman Casey wasn't even paying attention and had his glove off. The throw sailed into the rightfield corner. That has to be one of the laziest half-assed plays I have ever seen in baseball. I'd like to see the ratio of picking guys off-base & throwing errors to the bag. I'm sure the error total is a lot higher. Way to blow a win, Sox. Fucking 2 outs and a 2 run lead.

> Tuesday April 24th, 2007 < "I will choke, I am a choker, and I will always proceed to be a choker."

And in other irrelevant news, I've been doing some sketches on baseball park designs. One idea I had, I'd go with a similar design to the old Tiger Stadium, with obstructed views, a single upper deck, luxury boxes on the roof, and in this case, a left field porch that hangs over the field. The wall would be at 345 feet, the upper deck seats would hang over the field and stop at 335 feet, and the roof would hang over and extend another 10 feet, stopping at 325 feet. Kinda like Fenway without the wall. And the roof would have wood shingles. I have a fondness for roof shots. And the leftcenterfield bleachers would be uncovered and extends above the hitter's backdrop like at Wrigley, and the hitter's backdrop would evergreen trees and the bleachers would extend to the rightfield, tho I'd have an abbreviated roofed upper deck in right field like Yankee Stadium, only not so close, say around 345 feet with no overhang on to the field. Fence shape would be /---\ shaped, 400 in center.As for the fencing, I'd probably go to a fancy cast iron design, fancier than the old backstop at old Milwaukee County Stadium. Oh ya, and no god damn revolving advertisement behind home plate!!! Oh and get this, the whole stadium would be made out of WOOD. It's probably not structurally possible, and rival fans would probably destroy the ballpark by bringing in termites. Oh well. Here is a leftfield side profile rendering in all of its pixelated glory.

"Hey...do you hear something breaking? I don't feel so safe in this ballpark right now..."

> Wednesday April 25th, 2007 < "Your daddy is queerer than a jar of pickles."

**walks into a barber shop**

man: "Hi I'm Dolph, and I need a haircut."
Barber: "Ok Dolph, go sit in the third chair."

Dolph: "Yeah, I don't know how I want my hair. I'm kind of used to it being really long & past my shoulders. Maybe just trim the edges to get rid of the split ends."
Barber: "Ok."

**10 minutes pass**

Barber: "How's that look, Dolph?"
Dolph: "Hmm. I think it needs to be shorter, after all. Let's trim about 3" off."
Barber: "Ok."

**12 minutes pass**

Dolph: "Hmmmmmmmmmm. You know what? It looks too short for it to look "long" now. Better trim to look like a business man haircut."
Barber: **shrugs** "Okay, then."

**20 long minutes later**

Dolph: "Uhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaah....Yeah, this is going to require styling and gels and combing, and that's just not good for me. Let's shave the sides & back with a # 4 razor, and top to about 2" long, parted to the side."
Barber: "Grrrmph!!"

**27 tiring minutes later**

Barber: **irritated**"How's that??"
Dolph: "You know, I was watching this episode of "Kojak" the other day. I think I'm gonna go with a shaved head."
Barber: "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

**4 minutes later & Dolph at the cash register**

Dolph: **runs hand on head** "Smoooooooooooooooth!"
Barber: **grunt** "That comes to $13.95."
Dolph: "I have a coupon here for a free haircut."
Barber: "Frick!!!! You know they dock those out of our salary!!!!"
Dolph: "Really? Hahahahahaha!"
Barber: "God damn it!!! I spent like 75 minutes on you!!"
Dolph: "Ta!" **leaves establishment**
Barber: "That god damn pigfucker!!!!!!" **throws stapler into soon-to-be broken mirror** "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

> Thursday April 26th, 2007 < "My god...do you order your dictionaries from Dumbassland?"

Dolph's 3

The White Sox are now canceling games based on Weather forecasts. Ok, then! Copping out when your sorry-ass team can't hit worth a shit & rescheduling to mid summer doubleheaders based on a weather report that was a day old??? Sure there was a possibility of rain in the forecast, but nothing is a sure thing. And sure enough, the "storms" that were predicted and the rains never materialized. And they didn't cancel it at game time, they canceled the game like 8 hours before! Looks like teams are manipulating their schedules now. "Oh it looks too windy to play! Cancel the game! Ohhhhh the field is too dry! Cancel the game! Ohhhh my closer has pitched 2 consecutive games! Cancel the game!"

Rachael Ray squeals exactly like a pig when she screams.

In cooperation with some gimmick / shit of getting kids to eat healthy and some organization with Bill Clinton, Rachael Ray declared in her contribution to healthy living was "I'm now going to stop breaking the filters off of my Marlboro Reds!!!! Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!"

I wonder what would have happened if I was sitting in the audience of that show......

"BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! BOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Rachael Ray: "Somebody's booing?! There's booing on my show???"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
**startled Rachael Ray**
"god damn it-BOO!"
Rachael Ray: "I can't believe somebody's booing on my show!!!!!!!!" **cringes** *Squeeeeeeallllllllll!*"

> Friday April 27th, 2007 < "Since when did having stupid looking hair become 'in' ?"

Ah, just as 2006 was the Year Of The Burrito, I have declared 2007 as the Year Of The Torta. If you're unfamiliar with a torta, it's a Mexican Sandwich that's a round 6"-8" French Bread roll (sometimes toasted) and served with various ingredients. Today I had the torta with a large piece of breaded chicken, diced tomatoes, lots of shredded lettuce & sour cream on an inner-toasted bun. Suffice to say, it was delicious, as were the complementary homemade tortilla chips & salsa. Tho you can pretty much put anything on a torta, there's also ones with cheese, refried beans, sauces, avocado, different kinds of breaded or shredded beefs and pretty is unlimited to other ingredients. There's also other versions and types, with seafood, peppers, eggs, bacon, onions, chili sauces, etc. Oh, and did I mention these things are huge? Yeah, I did. Torta '07!

Ppd.

> Saturday April 28th, 2007 < "fuuuuuuuck shittttttttttttttt mot-her-fuck-ing-ass-hole (repeat forever)"

The Untitled Daily Column Tip 'O Day:

write now - fact-check later
publish now - proofread later

> Sunday April 29th, 2007 < "the cursed 10th frame"

young guy: "You wanted to see me, Mr. Sealclubber?"

Mr. Sealclubber: "Billy....As President of one of the Big Four Networks, your show pilot selection startles me. Frightens me, actually."

Billy: "Is that good?"

Mr. Sealclubber: **slams fist on desk** "NO god pigfucking damn it, Billy IT'S NOT!! Do you know ANYTHING about television shows??!"

Billy: "Well at Florida they taught us..."

Mr. Sealclubber: **mocks** " 'well at Florida they taught us..well at Florida they taught us...' Scrotumsuckers!!"

Billy: **nervous** "AHHHHHHhhhhhHHHHH!"

Mr. Sealclubber: "Billy, I've been in this business a long time. In the 1950s, TV shows were sitcoms about husbands beating wives, actually portraying simple American family life at the time. Then some hotheaded lil fuckturd started making shows creepy with bizarre plots and monsters and Jewish vampires and psycho-Witches and a guitar player with green hats and UGH!! But we had writers back then. They could come with anything in a jiffy and they didn't demand squat. They thanked us for the privilege of developing! But then.. the '70s began."

Mr. Sealclubber: "....and then in the 70s, that's when sitcoms scorned at traditional families. Every one of them either had a dead mom or a divorced dad or the opposite & it was all single mothers in this big Feminism fad thing. "Yeah they were all strong, newly independent women with brats to raise."

Then the '80s come along, and it turns out that Sally Ironbox got tired of shacking it up with a new Johnny Sideburns every Friday night & couldn't take the stress of one pathetic flawed relationship after the other, so she decides to drop the whole 'equality Feminist jargon' thing, style up her hair and turn into a good Republican housewife who knows how to cook & smile and make the kid's lunch. So that's when the 'bland and inoffensive family sitcom thing' started taking over.

Then the '90s come along, and that's all about being single or a yuppie or both, and being as crass as possible and being brutal & unapologetic towards children even more so. And then around the turn of the Century, we went in a cheap mode since the writers went on strike, and started the whole reality TV shit. And we humped that horse until the last possible person on Earth could choke it down before we stopped."

Billy: "And today?"

Mr. Sealclubber: "Singing. Lots of pointless, god-awful singing. Oh, and lots of boring crime & law shows, with numerous branches of the same one brand. Besides all the real talent is either on the Cable or on them video internet things. And throw in some hastily written "cult confusion shows" for good measure. So do you know what to do with your TV pilot selections, Billy?"

Billy: "Um....copy what everyone else is doing!!"

Mr. Sealclubber: "Dynamo!! This is Kid Dynamite right here!!!"

Billy: "That's me!"

Mr. Sealclubber: "Now go to the store and stock up on some cheap digital cameras! We got shows to make!"

Billy: "Yeah!" **runs out of room**

Mr. Sealclubber: "AH heh heh heh heh we're such cheap motherfuckers."

end

Ppd.

> Monday April 30th, 2007 < "poop eater."

guy: "and you?"

Dolph: "After I eat elbow macaroni, I tend to fart excessively."

Employee scratching head: "I don't know how that's going to help me assist you in you building your shed. "

Dolph: "Ahmmm."

> Monday April 2nd, 2007 < "Chicago Train Derailment Blues"

And now, my 2007 picks:

A.L. West
ANA
TEX
OAK
SEA

N.L. West
LAD
SD
SF
ARI
COL

* - Wild Card
ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3
ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5
ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6

NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4
NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3
NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6

WS: NYY over PHI in 6.

What is my reasoning behind this? I don't know. Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I'd say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all. All it takes is a hot streak. I'm wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most. I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL. In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins. Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year. Yeah the Yankee's Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn't pitched since mid '05 and you'd love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer.

And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755. The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken. Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn't happen (maybe a little help from Karma's cousin, "Superstition", and his sister, "Coincidence"). I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again. And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you're completely shit out of luck. Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB.

A.L. Central
CHW
DET
CLE
MIN
KC

N.L. Central
HOU
STL
MIL
CIN
CHC
PIT

A.L. East
NYY
BOS *
TOR
TB
BAL

N.L. East
PHI
NYM *
FLA
ATL
WAS

> Sunday April 1st, 2007 < "The price of ginger has caused us to relocate."

Alright, here we go again. The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name. Opening Day is tomorrow, and I'll have my baseball picks up shortly. A few thoughts on this season:

I have no idea who will win the World Series. The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest. The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees. The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it. However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season's White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season. So basically, it's the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th. I didn't even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season. Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it's all cheap and young from here out).

Suffice to say, I wasn't too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park. I'm still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn't like his "attitude" and other stupid shit. Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I'd be pissed off too. I'll tell you about the White Sox: if you don't get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won't be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you've done for them.

Also on Monday, we'll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion. I don't ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day. Two major events shouldn't happen on the same day. But anyways, the blog is back. In conclusion:

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

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