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| <> Monday December 20th 2004 <> "Lisa, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you?" While freezing my ass off at work today, I was just thinking how wonderful it would be if we didn't have Christmas. The commercial farce, that is. Just think, no stress from the holidays, no buying presents for people you don't like or care for; no stupid crowded malls / congested roads; no stupid Christmas songs that are so annoying; no more of that stupid bullshit of telling kids there's a Santa Claus and seeing a bunch of drunks in Santa suits. No more getting together with the stupid relatives you can't stand. No more broken expectations or rocks in your stocking. Here's a song I like that's about Christmas. Bah-humbug! "I hate fucking Christmas " Sung by the Rugburns at the Troubadour in 1995 . I hate fucking Christmas Seems like it's one big have to do Seems like everybody That you meet on the street Has been singing hallefuckinglujah Well the mistletoe on the ceiling Really makes me wanna do ya On Christmas it's so hard to buy cocaine Now it seems that I can't get out of bed All those dickheads in their white shirts On my TV saying please don't drink & drive Well that's pretty good advice Cause you just might spill your drink Christmas is the time for stealing presents Out from underneath your neighbours tree Looks like little Johnny just won't get his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Well I better wear a rubber Cause that turtle might be fertile Today I think I'll screw my brothers girlfriend All he ever does is go to work When he goes downtown to buy the Dead bird who's the fucking turkey I hate Fucking Christmas END |
| <> Thursday December 16th 2004 <> "Replace your divid, asshole." MLB and Selig is so full of shit go ahead, cunt face. bring it on. you got nothing. DC wins, MLB loses = good! There's many other ways to name this column. Apparently, after the DC counsil voted that 50% of the funding for the new stadium would be public and the other half was from private, MLB shut down the Nationals, and said that fans who already purchased tickets can get a refund of their $300 season ticket deposit back. What a pathetic scare tactic by MLB. Don't refund your money. MLB has no where else to go. The Expo's Olympic Stadium has already been rented out, there's no city even close with a stadium or fan base like DC. Go ahead, Selig and MLB. i DARE you to find another place for the Nationals in '05 or '06 or 07. You got nothing. NOTHING. Face it, DC called your bullshit unrealistic plan of 100% public financing in a city that had financial troubles, and even at 50% you still btich? Fuck you. Fucking do it, bitch. Suck the cock and dick. Let the new owners and citizens pay for the new stadium. Shit, everyone loves a 50% off sale. Here's your new MLB theme for you: "suckin' dick and cock all day long. You ever suck dick for cock? Now that's an addiction!" I am just so sick and tired of MLB being such a whiny bitch. It's a baseball franchise, not rocket science. So shut up your cunt-hole and let DC have their team already! I'm just saying what we're all thinking. Tho in the end, it really doesn't matter to me. HAHAHA. Suggestion tip of the day: It's hard to believe how violent and sexually explicit video games are these days, so you parents out there watch over your kids and be very careful on what kind of video games they play and the content in them! |
| <> Wednesday December 1st 2004 <> Beatings will continue until morale improves.
Man, what a bunch of strange dreams. You ever have one of those dreams, where it's like the movie Groundhog's Day, where it just keeps starting and doing the same thing over and over. It was like Super Mario Bros, actually. It was like, I had to keep starting over, then do this task exactly the same way under a certain amount of time, or (in the dream) the house would blow up and everybody would die. Tho the dream itself was pretty weird.....I was like a young child talking to a grandfather, and I had to keep taking this train, then this long drive, then all of this running and yelling and shit. Eventually, after having this dream about 10 times over and over, it finally stopped. Now here's something that's remarkable (or at least to me). I remembered something that I thought during another dream. Ok, the dream took place in 1970. Me and a friend were driving into a local mini-mall parking lot, and we noticed this photo hut (which used to be a lot more common back in the day). We drove by it, and we noticed actor Ron Howard's was in it, and was talking on the phone and was screaming at the gas company, "There is no gas leak here. I'm looking. You don't know what you're talking about." Well apparently, I did know there was a gas leak, and I started shouting from the car with the window down, "Hey! Hey! there's a fucking gas leak, Hey, Ron Howard! Ron Howard of Happy Days!" He looks up at me all confused, then we drive away in the car away from him. 5 seconds later, the photo hut blows up. And here's the thought that I had while dreaming, and I can't believe I actually remembered this: since it was 1970, Happy Days didn't exist until like 1975, so there was no way Ron Howard could have known what the hell I was talking about. So if people you don't know are calling out your name and weird stuff after it, they're probably from the future. And there's probably people from the future or past roaming around right now. Time travel? Who says it's impossible? It's possible that people in our pre-determined lives that time machines have already invented and those people from thefuture are roaming around as we speak. |
| <> Thursday December 2nd 2004 <> gettin' some BJ Ah, there's nothing like finding a new game to get addicted to and play for hours and hours on end. Tonight I was summoned to play blackjack or "BJ" as the kids on the streets call it. Suffice to say, I knew how the basic rules of it, but never thought about the "double" or "split" option. I eventually picked it up. Jamie, Mike and I started playing it on Yahoo games, and it took me a bit to catch up since the game was going so fast. And of course, I started betting between $1 and $40, no big deal, since I had over $3,000 of money. And after some pretty good playing by me (and missing some dealer blackjacks by accident), but then Yahoo started sticking it up my ass, and I was losing like hell, like, all of my money. I was down to my last $100, and was losing my patience. Then, for the 1st time in my life, I used the split thing while betting the maximum $1,000 and magically won $2,000. At the time, it was a huge rush. I've never won anything that large before! I can finally see why gambling is so addictive to people and why they need their fix. Of course, this is fake Yahoo money and I would never, ever gamble with my own money. Then eventually I went back to my cheap betting, and then later on me and Mike just started betting the max until we ended up with $33,000 and$10,000, respectively, and decided to call it a night from there. |
| <> Friday December 3rd 2004 <> "hold this camera while i shoot up this dog hormone into my ass." Sometimes, when I'm faced with a highly-pressurized situation where I'm forced to make a decision, I just completely lock-up and have no idea which to pick. Thus is a huge problem if I don't have a specific taste for something. If I have to pick between 3 to 6 places to go eat at, I'll just go crazy. "This place might be good but it's more expensive" or "This place is less expensive but I don't know what I want from there" or "Is it a taco and burrito kind of day" or a "$5 cheeseburger and crispy hot french fries kind of day" or is it a subwich day? Then, there's the White Castle dilemma. Do I get the 7 slyders (slang for the 46 cent hamburgers) and cheese fries or do I get the 6 cheesburgers and regular fries? Both are almost exactly the same price with tax. But what's that you say? I should get 7 cheeseburgers AND the cheese fries?? Let's keep in mind that we're not trying to break the bank and that we're trying to reach middle age. Suffice to say, I settled on the 7 slyders and the cheese fries.... which turned out to be the perfect combo, since there was some plain un-cheesed fries. Sometimes too much of a good thing isn't good. |
| <> Saturday December 4th 2004 <> The honest cheater I read an article on yahoo about how Los Angeles schools are losing over $1,000 week since they banned junk food and lost the "funds once used for extracurricular activities. The sales of soda, candy and other popular items at student stores and vending machines paid for field trips, marching bands and other programs." Apparently, the replacement food, which is baked chips and lowfat ice cream isn't "appealing" enough. "We're losing a lot of money. The healthy food snacks just are not real appetizing to the kids." I don't know what the hell is wrong with you stupid kids....baked chips are awesome. That's the problem with this generation. They're constantly wanting to shovel food into their mouths and worse, it's all stupid soda, candy, fatty snacks and fast food. Of course, it didn't help that over the years schools started installing vending machines and serving so much shit at lunch. Listen, it wouldn't kill you kids to eat a salad or a piece of fruit or skip a meal once in a while. And back in my day, drinking a can of soda was a treat once in a while, not an hourly ritual like it is today. Also, we didn't stuff our faces stupid with like 5 slices of pizza, 3 cheeseburgers, 10 snack cakes while woofing down 3 cinnamon sticks and dunking them in our slushie. I think about the old snack cake display and remember seeing that shit sit there for days at a time. I bet today that same display wouldn't make it to noon. "(Students) want to know when we're bringing back hot Cheetos, and they want to know who's to blame." Number one, hot Cheetos suck. Number two, we didn't have cheetos at school. It's fucking lunch.... not Thanksgiving dinner. Eat your fucking shitty sandwich that your mom or two dad's packed for you, chug down your milk and get back to class. Do kids even drink milk in school anymore? If dying from obesity doesn't kill them first, Osteoporosis will. And I'll tell you who's to blame: all of you. Damn your stupid parents who don't give a shit and keep buying your crap. Damn your stupid laziness and shit-for-brains modern mentality. Damn all those companies who invented electronics that make you sit down and do nothing for hours on end. Damn these stupid fast food places for building a restaurant every fucking 2 miles. And once again, damn your stupid horny parents who didn't abort you & are helping propel the over population-obesity epidemic that will bankrupt this country in 30 years and cripple us forever. You stupid fat brats don't need to chew gum or eat candy or drink soda in school. You stupid fat brats don't need your mp3 players or cell phones or fancy internet connections in school. You stupid fat brats don't need your chicken nugget Tuesday or Pizza Hut Monday and Friday or KFC Thursday or Taco Hell Wednesday in school. Too much pie, fatty. That's your problem. |
| <> Sunday December 5th 2004 <> There is no such thing as "scoring too much" Congratulations, Bears. You have officially ruined your draft pick with your record at 5-7. And what's even more sickening, besides the fact that I picked Minnesota to win, is that the Bears still have a shot at the playoffs. The NFC is just so bad this year. There's like 2 good teams with great records, and everyone else has a losing record. Of course, we may finally see a sub-.500 team in the playoffs, which to me is the ultimate flaw of playoff integrity for a sport. Tho if it were up to the NFL, they'd have every single team finish 8-8 so they could have 3 months of playoffs. And yes, that is possible. And I'm watching the Eagles beat the shit out of the Packers 47-3. Beautiful. -o- If you could go without one of these bodily functions for the rest of your life, which one would it be? 1) Never sneeze again 2) Never get a cramp again 3) Never feel pain 4) Never throw up again 5) Never get another nosebleed Mine would be #1. I wouldn't mind sneezing so much if I didn't do every single day at least 5 times and that my sinuses start flaring up and my eyes turn on the water works, and it takes me about 10 minutes to get back to normal. Btw, I have not sneezed with someone in the room in 17 years, and none of my friends have ever seen me sneeze. I wonder how many dozens of sneezes I've held in during the years. Tho this is a pretty good list, with #2 my second choice. I hated getting cramps, expecially in my legs while I was growing up, because I grew 14 inches in 3 years. I'd just be sitting on a bed, reading a book, and then *BAM* an hour long of leg cramps that would just not go away. Tho the worst were inside the foot, right in the middle. Those hurt so fucking much, it felt like someone dropped a shitload of bricks on them. |
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| <> Monday December 6th 2004 <> It's too bad we can't sell the fat on your ass for money. Wow, how I hate living near Chicago. This stupid city is so obsessed with fire and things being burned down ever since that cow got revenge on the city some 100+ years ago. It being Monday, it was time for the CBS Powerhouse Lineup of comedy. Only about 10 minutes into it, the stupid station decides to cut to a shot of some 29th floor in flames in some building in downtown Chicago. Of course, never mind that the building was concrete-floor protected so that it wouldn't spread to other floors and that this happened well after almost everyone had left the building and the fact that nobody really gives a shit. So what do us viewers get stuck with? Watching a burning empty building for 5 straight hours. It was the most boring show EVER. Thank god there was a Bulls game on but that was almost as boring. I was so pissed that I couldn't see any of my Monday night shows, and felt like calling up the stations to bitch that no one would really give a shit about their fucking breaking news coverage and to put my shows back on, but paralyzed with rage, I did nothing. "Nobody cares about your stupid burning building so shut up!" |
| <> Tuesday December 7th 2004 <> "Bring back the Marquette Warriors!!!" Here's some random thoughts. Taking your dog to the pet store where there's other dogs is a recipe for disaster. -o- There's no point to making newer Simpsons episodes anymore. -o- I can't proofread worth a shit -o- Yahoo Blackjack is rigged to screw you over. -o- TV commercials are way too fucking loud. -o- Nomar Garciaparra is dead to me. -o- Sounds like another piss-poor Christmas for White Sox fans.. a lump of coal in our white stockings..... followed by.... another lump of coal in our stockings... by some very cheap... vodka that tastes like permanent markers and .... cheap plastic bandages from Osco to bandage up our infield woes and finally... a whole lotta nothing.... ..followed by Mayor Daley's incompetent spending and mismanaging of the budget which will lead to more higher taxes in the land for all. And a Merry Christmas to all White Sox fans! -o- Tho it doesn't last forever in November, but December rain seems to. |
| <> Wednesday December 8th 2004 <> "say "NO" to cheese! down with cheese." I have no problem banning Jason Giambi or Barry Bonds from the Hall of Fame or MLB for steroid use or banning any other cheaters already in the Hall of Fame. I have no problem with getting rid of Frank Thomas on the White Sox. I have a problem of the White Sox having colors of black and silver. A change to navy blue and red as team colors is needed (or at least an addition of red. black and silver bugs the hell out of me. It's not 1990 anymore, it's not Hammer Time and we're not the Oakland Raiders). I'm sick and tired of watching the Sox play in the most colorless bland looking uniforms in baseball. It's not a bad design (tho I am sick of it) it just needs some color. And I'd like to see the road uniform changed somehow. Those fat black & white stripes look horribly dated. And so many teams wear black these days, let's have the Sox start another trend: ditching the black. Let's bring back colors and bright colors in baseball. -o- The Simpsons: I don't think you can fix this show. A series can only go so far before it becomes pointless. Now, the Simpsons of course could last a few years longer at such a high caliber because it's a cartoon, but every show has to end. You can only do so much and there's only so many cliches in television. And I can't take any more of the Principal Skinner / Edna or Apu / Manjula plots. Pretty much all of the vacation shows sucked too, specifically the Africa one, which they seem to show at least once a week in syndication. I don't even understand if Homer still works at the Power Plant. He's been fired and re-hired so many times I can't keep track. I'm noticing pretty much the 1st two minutes of every episode is really good, but then it just bottoms out into a boring flatline. It's like the new episodes are a pointless piece of trivia. It's like each episode is of something memorable that never happened. It's time for the show to end. |
| <> Thursday December 9th 2004 <> There was no such thing as dinosaurs Well, (the word I seem to start off most columns with) the # 1 ranked Illinois Fightin' Illini defeated some shitty basketball team in D.C. tonight. It got me thinking, "this Illini team could beat the Chicago Bulls." While I'll admit, this is probably the first college basketball game that I've actually sat down and watched, the game seemed a little slow when there was like only 33 points scored by halftime. But think about it...# 1 Fightin' Illini vs. # 28 Bulls.....who would win? Well, let's see....the Illini don't fall down 20 times a game....they actually know how to pass to each other and actually score in the paint. Hmm.... and they would have to play each other on the NBA court so when the Bulls score 100 points we all get free tacos. Yeah, right..like the Bulls would score 100 points. And what's even more sad is that most of the Illini players are older than half of the NBA players. -o- I love the taste of Chinese food. Even more so, I love the smell of it and the way the room still smells like it hours after you've finished. And, of course, the belching of it for hours afterwards. They should make Chinese food scented car air fresheners. |
| <> Friday December 10th 2004 <> "Newmanniun!!!" You know, I'm getting really tired of reoccurring dreams. Tho this one isn't considered a nightmare to most people. It's about my old fish tank and fish swimming in it. The dream takes place in my old childhood bedroom, complete with desk, dresser, wallpaper, baseball pennants made of paper on the wall that I drew up with markers, the window I used to stare out of into the neighborhood (tho probably the most bizarre part of the dream was looking out the window, and seeing a blue jay, a cardinal, and two other brightly colored birds sitting on the shoulder of this American Bald Eagle and the eagle said, "time to go now" and it flew away). Tho the basic dream, it's just me looking into these fish tanks; looking at the fish swim around; noticing the plants / the fish's different colors; and it's me feeding them their food. But what happens, is there seems to be more fish tanks popping up in my room like it's a pet store, and I'm getting sick and tired of feeding and seeing all these fish. It reminded me of something I hated having to do: doing it (or something) every single day. Continuing in the dream, there was actor Tim Allen helping me with the fish.... he was checking the water Ph values. Then eventually in the dream, I was freaking out, wanting not to have the responsibility or burden of having to feed these damn fish and was hoping they'd go away. Then I remembered one more thing before I woke up: big black spiders swimming in the fish tanks too. Then I woke up from the dream in a Cosmo Kramer-esque manner and screamed silently "Newmanniun!!!" just like he did on that Millenium Seinfeld episode. Now here's the thing: I had a fish tank from like 1987 to 1992 or 1993. First thing I did in the morning was feed the fish. And I remember hearing the air pump humming during the night and keeping me awake all those years. Then, one day, I eventually got sick and tired of these damn fish, and stopped feeding them, and completely ignored the damn fish tank for good. I don't know if it's the guilt or the ghosts of those few fish that are haunting me with these nightmares, but I hope I never, ever have another fish tank for the rest of my life. Hence, probably why I don't ever want to have children: the burden of feeding / looking after / worrying about the god damn things every single day. Then, a year later, I took the tank out of the room and have since given all the supplies away. And to this day, seeing a fish tank gives me the creeps. Looking back on this experience, having that responsibility placed upon me (by me) from age 9 to 14 years old taught me how happy I was that I no longer had to bother with the fish; and that I should simplify my life as much as possible. This is a big reason on why I won't get a dog (for now) and besides the fact that they cost way too much money to maintain. I didn't care. I rarely ever thought about the fish; or if it defined me as a person.. and the only time I actually looked at the fish tank in those last few years was to feed it. So is this why I'm having these dreams....or maybe it's all of the tasty fish and seafood that I eat. |
| <> Saturday December 11th 2004 <> "blah blah blah Mr. Matlock." Man, Saturdays sure are boring without college football to watch. Tho I did watch some nice golf on TV where Tiger Woods was screaming at his golf ball after he hit it. Tho the scenery at the golf course was breathtaking. Very breathtaking. Suggestion tip for the day: For a delicious snack, eat some cheese crackers with pieces of American cheese. |
| <> Sunday December 12th 2004 <> ashes to facists, man Favorite character of The Simpsons. By Dolph Rudager it would probably have to be Homer, with Ralph Wiggum being a close second. Pretty much most of the Springfield characters aren't that likeable when it comes down to it. Lisa is probably the most annoying, and Bart is probably the most lame. I mean, Bart is a stupid lil crybaby badass-wannabe who thinks he's cooler than he really is. His ultimate lameness moment was in the Homer joins the navy episode and all the kids on the bus had earrings and Bart breaks out into the "Bartman" song from 1991 (as the lameness was part of the gag). 2nd being the N*Sync episode that comes to mind. If you knew Bart, wouldn't you want to punch him or strangle his neck? I know I would. |
| <> Monday December 13th 2004 <> ashes to facists, man On Carlos Lee getting traded to the Brewers for OF Scott Podsednik, RHP Luis Vizcaino and a player to be named. By Dolph Rudager The White Sox gained like $8 million in payroll by trading Lee. $8 million! I wonder what starting pitcher they could get with that money. What I'd like to see is the grass cut really, really short, homeplate / the infield moved back 8 to 10 feet, the fences moved back 25 feet and the outfield walls extended upwards to 15 feet high. It's too bad the Sox don't play at Kauffman Stadium..that'd be perfect for Ozzie Ball. And those who doubt Ozzie Ball, remember this: Speed shows up every single day, power does not. Singles into doubles. Doubles into triples. Scoring more runs... distracting the pitcher... stuff can happen. This is obviously a move in the direction of Ozzie Ball, which I've long been a fan of (screw the long ball. I'm not a chick and I don't dig the long ball). It's all about pitching, speed and defense. |
| <> Tuesday December 14th 2004 <> "You want excitement?? shove THIS up your ass!!" Man, if there was anything worse than the cold, it's the cold with a very strong wind. Suggestion tip for the day: why don't you play a game of hide and go fuck yourself? |
| <> Wednesday December 15th 2004 <> "It's always the woman's fault." Today's Column was not available due to the presses being down. Suggestion tip for the day: only the truly 'cool' don't wear a helmet and go over the speed limit. |
| <> Friday December 17th 2004 <> "I need volcano insurance." Here's the non-insomnia/drunken version of yesterday's column. MLB can suck it. By Dolph Rudager. Basically, Cropp was sticking it to MLB. I'm just sad it wasn't for a higher private funds percentage. MLB is so full of shit to think that any town is going to 100% publicly fund a stadium that costs freaking $400+ million these days. It's ridiculous, it's stupid and its asinine. Yeah, good luck MLB on trying to find another city will to put up with your "deal". 50% is a damn fine deal. Don't be stupid MLB and take baseball out of DC again. Go on, MLB. I dare you to find another suitor. Las Vegas? That will never happen; especially with your huge anti-gambling stance. And I'd love to see how many baseball players end up with hookers and celebrities after knocking back a few too many dozen shots of whiskey at the Blackjack table in the morning. Plus it gets hotter than hell there, so that's another $100 to $200 million for the retractable dome. Plus you'd have to move the team into the NL West, and boot someone from the NL Central to the East. San Juan / Puerto Rico? Hahahahaha. That was a joke. Portland? Oregon has many financial problems, as shown here in past posts on this board. And guess what, MLB? The deal IS acceptable. Very acceptable. And you're going to take it and you're going to like it. Go on MLB, I f'ing DARE you to take the Nationals out of DC in '05 or in the future! END |
| <> Sunday December 19th 2004 <> "Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob." lol Sometimes I love being the dictator of a country. I play in a simulation game where you make an imaginary country, tho all you do is pick a name for it, a flag, a group to be in you want, and you just approve issues (up to 2 a day) to see how your country ranks in general. Other than that, it's pretty much a 5 minute stop each day for me and of course don't reflect most of my political views. I rule in an extreme way; governing in some kind of pyschotic dictatorship that's hard to describe what it is, since people have almost no civil rights or freedoms, but yet the economy is strong. My country is an extremely peaceful country despite being heavily policed and are cynical all the time. We have no military, no need to deal with outside countries because we have a giant wall built around the border. The government controls everything, people have mandatory radio's which are full of spyware and advertisements, the environment is of no concern (only money matters), and of course, there's no religion, no funding for education or any advancement in medical research. So imagine a land covered in concrete and asphalt, oil rinks, cars, police roaming everywhere, cameras everywhere, and the weak are disposed of. Here's the latest issue: The Issue Falling standards at MP34s's retirement homes have prompted OAPs to take to the streets and demand better treatment. The Debate 1. "There needs to be more done for the elderly," says May Wong, a resident of 'This Old Man' retirement home. "We can't work to support ourselves anymore, and the pensions we get are measly. We need more benefits such as higher standards of living, free bus tickets, and a continuous supply of cheeses. All it requires is a little more generosity on the part of the tax payers - after all, we fought the war for their sort." [Accept] 2. "I'm not giving any of my hard-earned wages to a bunch of old fossils," says Randy Chicago, a devout tax payer. "If they weren't smart enough to save enough money for their later years, then why should the government pay out for them now? They had their chance and they didn't take it. If they really want money so bad, they can go out and work for it like everyone else." [Accept] So which one did I pick? The following excerpt is now part of my country's summary: "Criminals are executed and their property seized, citizens rise at daybreak every day for mandatory exercise, and senior citizens can usually be found doing heavy manual labour." |
| <> Saturday December 18th 2004 <> Batteries make great female stocking stuffers It's cold. It's real cold. Fingers are so cold, my toes are so cold. I hate being a warm blooded mammal in the wintertime. Random thought: "you know, if you didn't keep feeding them then we wouldn't have the starving people in the world around anymore." Random recalled dream thoughts: I had that dream again last night that I had a beard. I was in the bathroom looking at the mirror, and I noticed the beard kept growing and growing. And what's so weird, is that it looked so real; so realistic; like it was how I actually would look if I had a beard (which I've never really had). I remember seeing it in different lengths; feeling it grow. Then eventually it grew out long, and I looked exactly how I thought I would look with a beard: like someone from the Grateful Dead. Soon I freaked out, woke up from the dream, went to the bathroom and shaved the like 1/16th of facial hair that I actually had. And you ever have one of those dreams where you're running but it feels like your legs are made of lead and you're going so fucking slow that you can't outrun anyone? Suggestion tip of the day: Those who throw eggs should be put in a frying pan and burned like an egg! |
| <> Tuesday December 21st 2004 <> "Do you watch television?" Well it looks like there will be baseball in D.C. after all. The stadium financing has been approved and it's pretty much a done deal. So all of those anti-American Canadians / D.C. baseball haters can suck it! Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa Canada sucks! Suggestion tip of the day: Put a fabric softener sheet under your car seat to freshen up the car :) |
| <> Wednesday December 22nd 2004 <> "We've got to start using a cheaper oatmeal." Hmm...well now that the Expos are the Nationals, it means I have to come up with their new baseball scoreboard logos for the 2005 season. Looking at the current design, this green doesn't look good with the maroon at all. So, I'm going to have to come up with a new design in time for new baseball season. And, of course, that'll be a long and painful & annoying process. I read an article from tomorrow about how this stupid bunch of losers who watch and critique TV for violence, vulgar language, sex / fucking, etc and how they want to clean up TV and that "America want's clean family shows." Um.....yeah. That'll sell a shitload of advertising. Tho that's how McDonalds does their attack..... they show their commercials every 10 minutes during kids shows so the lil shits get the idea planted in their heads and are craving it constantly and then are hooked on the shit, but stupid Soccer cunt-Mom in her minivan doesn't give a shit, because she's too tired to cook or make anything, and doesn't mind spending the $2 or $3 to shut up their lil shitfaces. So if you ever see that mom on the road, shout out, "Hey you cunt! Get the fuck off the road you stupid Soccer mom!" If anything, we need more profanity, graphic violence and sex on TV. Why do you think so many HBO shows win so many awards? No fucking FCC riding down on their cock. Soft TV sucks. Personally, I think regular TV has been pushing the limits as far as it can go; and I've never seen TV so obscene in all of my life, so what difference is it hearing Marge Simpson going "God damn you, Bart!" or Homer shouting "no, fuck YOU, Moe!" or Homer telling Flanders to "go suck a fart out of my ass, Churchy!" or Nelson threatening to "shit in Bart's mouth and call it a sundae." It sure as hell would help the declining show and desperately help ratings and make it a lot more entertaining, ya? Smut is good. |
| <> Thursday December 23rd 2004 <> It's cold...it's real cold! Here's the funniest thing I've read in weeks on a Yahoo article: "Maybe all this added pressure isn't the reason a Santa in Atlanta earlier this month knocked a woman cold with a 2-by-4. Maybe it's not why 30 Santas got into a drunken street brawl two weeks ago at a charity fundraiser in Wales. (Five Santas were arrested.)" The article goes on how these people who play "Santa" in these malls bitch about how tough the kid's questions are; how emotionally and physically exhausting it is doing this for 2 months. Well yeah, it's a horrible job and it's stupid. So why not just get rid of Santa? Kill Santa! Personally, I always questioned Santa; being the quiet, withdrawn lonely child I was. I really don't remember hearing about Santa until I was like 3, and when I was around 4 years old, I looked at our chimney (and having played in the fireplace.....ashes, sharp-poker and all) I'd climb in there, look upwards, play around with the horizontal chimney door and wondered how such a fatass could slide down a chimney. My next clue of suspicion was that our chimney had a rain guard roof on it. I confronted my dad on this and he went, "Uhhh..... He comes thru the french doors." Uh.....huh. Then of course, by the time I started going to 1st grade, the older kids on the bus were of course swearing, throwing shit out the window, standing up, and shouting that "there is no fucking Santa Claus or Easter Bunny, 'Buckwheat' ! " Which at the time I had no idea what this insult being shouted at me meant, but I assumed it was bad. Turns out it was from the old show "The Little Rascals" and Eddie Murphy on SNL in the early '80s. "Well, god damn it." I thought to myself. Of course, we all know that nobody really gives a shit about the true meaning of Christmas anymore since the Devil took over the retail industry. So I say, we tell the ultimate story of Santa ceasing to exist; either by heart attack, stroke, diabetes complications, getting shot by Mrs. Claus or having one of his reindeer mauling him (I'd say "Nixon" 'cause it's fitting). Then, the new lore of Christmas would be teaching that from the day after Thanksgiving until early January is good for the economy and how a strong economy is the backbone of a nation, and how this is why greed is good. I'm sure the kids will appreciate this story much better than the obviously stupid and outdated blasphemy of some fatass flying in the sky with reindeer that have no wings! Oh, and as a part of your Christmas celebration, the most profane piece of literature that I have ever written is going to posted in the column as the new unofficial "Christmas Story". |
| <> Friday December 24th 2004 <> "That was real classy using your wife as a shield like that." Ugh, I remember why I hate football. The Green Bay Packers just won their 3rd consecutive NFC division title; despite Favre being like 50 years old and Minnesota was the favorite. Tho I hate both teams and their cocky asshole players all so much. There's nothing worse when you follow a sport and your biggest enemy wins it all / keeps winning for years. I can't wait until that asshole Favre retires and Green Bay starts sucking like they should. Well I spent my afternoon organizing my winamp playlist, fixing the broken files; alphabetizing every single song by the artist, and making sure that no song is listed twice. Also, since this list is for WPFS, I removed some 300+ songs from the old list because I can't stand them anymore. It sounds pretty boring, eh? Well, it was, but I got tired of my list being so unorganized, and with it being only like 8 degrees for a high today and down to like 5 tonight, it's too cold to do anything else. Tho they say it's going to be 40 on Tuesday and 44 on Wednesday. That's insane! Oh, and beware, kiddies. The most profane piece of literature that I have ever written will be put up tomorrow. Kill Santa. And I propose a ban on all TV shows that are about celebrities. Listen, just because some actor or actress is on TV or in the movies doesn't make them better than us or more important or like their opinion means jack shit. There's nothing worse than watching some stupid rich celebrity spending like $800 for a pair of shoes and shit. That's your money they're wasting! Oh, why oh why do people in this society give a shit about celebrities? |
| <> Saturday December 25th 2004 <> Dolph: CEO of Sharp 'n' Pointy Things Incorporated Piss On That - By Dolph Rudager Watching a playoff game between two teams in a bitter rivalry is intense....when the games are close and the asshole-team is winning. But how about when a pitcher beans a batter, and there's only some confrontation, the benches clear and it's nothing more than a pussy-ass shoving match. How about the batter on the losing / visiting team hits a weak ground ball to 1st base, the winning home team's pitcher runs over to cover the bag and catch the toss from the 1st basemen; instead of just running past the bag after you've been out, you stop, and try to rip the ball out of the pitchers hand; then try to rip his glove off his hand....then give him a nice shove and begin throwing punches? Then, of course, the pitcher will retaliate and thus a shoving match occurs. But instead, the batter punches the pitcher in the neck, then behind the neck; and proceeds to bite his ear off. Then the batter would eventually poke the pitcher (of his hated rival in their home stadium btw) right in the eyes and will grab the pitcher's baseball cap, and suddenly (from the huge riot that's probably progressing at this point) the batter sprints out to right-center field with his arms flaring in a windmill-like fashion, and begins pointing at the team logo on the cap and shouts profanities at his rival's home fans. With a huge grin from ear to ear, the batter begins violently rubbing his rival's baseball cap on his genitalia for over a minute, then proceeds to "wipe his ass" with the cap for 10 seconds, then decides to rapidly alternate from the front to the back for the next 2 minutes. Apparently with both teams' benches too busy fighting each other to notice what's going on in right-center field, the batter begins another sprint around the outfield. Then after shouting "They fucking SUCK! They suck! They're fucking assholes, I hope they all get cancer!" while the home crowd boos and throws things at him. The batter drops his rival's cap to the ground with their logo faced up, and the batter proceeds to do some kind of Native American Indian ceremony dance around the cap, then unbuckles his belt and pulls down his pants; baring his ass for all of his hated rival's fans in the stadium & national television viewing audience; picks his spot and begins to slowly poop the shit out of his ass onto the rival's cap. Then the camera does an extreme close-up (so close that you can see the grain & shine of the feces) all curled up on and around the rival's logo. The batter proceeds to step on the fecal cap with his spikes, and smears the fecal matter all over the cap with his heel and butts it like a cigarette, completely soiling it and rendering it unusable. Eventually the fights ended and the batter left the field & returned to the clubhouse (perhaps to wipe his ass). The question is, if you're the Commissioner, and you and all of your personnel, including hundreds of people in the media covering and watching the game, what kind of punishment has this batter; this player; this employee of your company who just defiled and defaced the proudest baseball team in history of your sport and of all sports, and broke a ton of public masturbation and sexually indecent laws that will bring months of controversy to come? |
| <> Sunday December 26th 2004 <> "A Festivus....for the rest of us." Well here is Part 2 of your profane holiday literature. Tho this poem / song isn't completely polished, it's a work in progress. And what song really isn't still in progress, tho? I'd like to see this become as popular as the annoying "Jingle Bells" and "Deck The Halls". Makes me wish I was Jewish so I'd have an excuse for being so cheap. Enjoy. Kill Baby (kick the baby) - By Dolph Rudager Lyrics � 2004 Dolph Rudager Inc. I went into a restaurant, going for a nice meal, baby was seated down next to us, all it did was squeal I don't appreciate it, it's rude your uncontrollable baby, ruined my dune. [Chorus] baby wouldn't stop screaming ruined my day (kill baby) I'm going to get a vasectomy (kill baby) kick the baby.... shoot the children in the street, oh-ho that's the solution! kill baby! Mom and dad should be castrated, Now they have baby, Don't they wish they had masturbated? The world isn't your own personal bathroom, Don't wanna see mom's sagging breast baby can get their tit juice in private You're the worst kind of pest. I don't want a baby, No need, Don't want the screaming, or passing of the evil seed. I don't need the stress of baby, rubber dick condom, savor of thee, no financial ruin-i-ty!! Stop over-populating the planet, Babies using up all of the resources, It's one crowded mess, Tormenting of all for recourses. Your mother was a whore, Couldn't keep her legs shut, Father was a horn-toad, Mother now has a fat gut Now they have a pile of smut. It's your mutt Piling bills, and sleepless nights, Diapers of shit, and endless fights [Chorus] baby wouldn't stop screaming ruined my day (kill baby) I'm going to get a vasectomy (kill baby) kick the baby.... shoot the children in the street, oh-ho that's the solution! kill baby! babies aren't cute, they annoying stop making babies! kill baby! (long guitar / drum solo) kill baby! kill baby! kill baby! (no more babies!) kill the baby! (no more baby) kick the baby (screaming brat) shoot the children (bad baby) in the street (shittin' baby) oh-ho that's the solution (kick the baby) kick the baby, kick the baby, kick the baby, kick the baby (fade out) END |
| <> Monday December 27th 2004 <> "Baby, even the losers... have to die sometime." Flashback column: November 15th, 1988 - 4th grade Today I woke up at 5:48 AM wide awake. I had my two bowls of Cheerios and drank the yellow milk from the bowl when I was done. Then I chewed my vitamin and had my orange juice and got ready for school by putting pants on. I rode the bus to school and then we had to wait outside and stand in a line for 12 minutes and then went to my locker and then I sat down at my desk in Mr. Heinrich's class. Mr. Heinrich smells like smoke and is drinking a lot of coffee while roaming around in his chair with wheels. His teeth are very brown. It was very cold and our classroom has no heat. I reached into my desk and pulled out a piece of loose leaf wide lined paper and began drawing another cartoon. I sat there in class, doing things like doodling, staring into space, pressing my fingers against my closed eyes and watching all the colorful shapes and lines with my eyes closed. I had some classes and then we had art class which I really like. Then came lunch, which I pretended to put the nickel in the straw box and took two cartons of milk. Then I opened up my lunch box and ate the shitty lunch my mom packed me which is: bitter old fashioned peanutbutter made completely of peanuts, salt and oil on bread with thick slabs of butter on it too, 4 cookies wrapped in wax paper, potato chips in a baggie and pickles wrapped in foil which of course the pickle juice leaked all over everything else. Then we all ran outside of the gym and ran around the playground for 20 minutes. We tried to play a game of football but it never materialized. I went to the part of the playground where the word "fuck" permanently etched into the cement curb and laughed with amusement. Why in the hell they never spackled that up is beyond me. Then Mr. Heinrich blew his whistle and we lined up in a straight line again for a few minutes and couldn't go back inside the gym until we were quiet. Then we grabbed our shit and then had to stand in another fucking line by the gym doors for another fucking 8 minutes then until the stupid secondhand on the clock hit 0. I don't like standing in lines. Somebody behind me is coughing and sneezing on me. I hate this. Lines are the worst possible thing in the world...standing in a line and waiting. I hope I never have to stand in line for the rest of my life once I get out of this mini-hell of a school! Then we all went back to our desks, and then I talked to Alan but he called me a 'dorkiss'. I continued drawing on my cartoon but then Mr. Heinrich said we had to take out our Social Studies books. I hate Social Studies. It's boring, it's long and it's not fun. I want to go home. Eventually it's time to go home and I run to my locker and run to the bus. 28 minutes later I'm finally home and head straight to the cheese and crackers and juice. Then I finish and go outside and ride my red 1-speed bicycle for 2 1/2 hours until dinnertime. Then I ate my mom's shitty dinner which really sucked (and I skipped the vegetables of course) and I hate my fat stupid mom so much and then ran up to my room and sat down at my desk and started on my homework and did it really half-assed and quickly. It's Tuesday night so "Roseanne" is on channel 7. That show is funny. Then I eventually took a shower, packed my stuff up for school, laid on the bed, read the comics in the newspaper (skipping stupid Cathy and Dumb Blondie of course, and that awful Brenda Starr and gay Dick Tracy. Man is Charles Schultz senile and his lines are so squiggly and once again I don't understand Doonesbury), brushed my teeth and went to bed at 10pm. I await the 5 to 8 nightmares I will have tonight and tomorrow is a new day but same old shit. 11-15-88. |
| <> Tuesday December 28th 2004 <> "Look at me, I'm Elvis, mannnnnnnnn!" Wll it's halfway through the television season and it's time for my review. This has probably been the thinnest batch of new shows I have ever seen. Keep in mind I actually don't watch that much TV and I mostly watch comedies, so let's start with Sunday. Sunday night is probably the most solid night in television. The obvious new biggest hit of the year is the smutty "Desperate Housewives" which is starting to gain "Dawson's Creek" cult status of "stop the fuck what you're doing and sit down & watch". While the show is entertaining, it does seem a bit obvious and predictable. I have a hard time keeping up with all of the characters and "who did what to whom", and I find it incredibly frustrating that new episodes are spaced out 2 to 3 weeks apart. I just hope they keep progressing the stories so we're not stuck wondering all summer on what's going to happen. But since this is a soap opera type show, they're inevitably going to have to add new characters next season because you only do so much adultery and murdering. It's my prediction that this show will last 4 seasons and probably will only have 2 1/2 to 3 good seasons. For my money, the best comedy on television is Arrested Development. I can not say enough good things about this show. Speaking of Fox, the newer King of the Hill episodes are almost impossible to find; and the Simpsons are just really pointless (it's only still on because of money. And we have at least 3 more seasons after this one). Monday: due to my shitty CBS reception, it's almost impossible to watch the CBS Monday Night powerhouse lineup. The new show "Listen Up", with George Costanza playing ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser and Theo Huxtable playing his best friend / sidekick which is supposedly based on Kornheiser's real life and columns. Personally, I fucking hate Kornheiser and his radio show was unbearable (was dropped in this market) and all he does is shout into the microphone about stupid shit. Tho when it comes down to it, this sitcom is just another modern clone, where the husband is fat, stupid and emasculated and the wife is deemed smarter-than-thou and runs the house while the smartass kids and wife don't respect the father whatsoever. I mean, it's like the father has no balls or authority whatsoever. This show is like Everybody Loves Raymond, Yes Dear, King of Queens and we all know how much those shows suck. Everybody Loves Raymond. The shortened, final season. This show still has its moments but a whole of nothing is happening. The kids are nowhere to be found (and I say this is a good thing, because the show was never about the kids; it's about the parents and the adult's world, despite what the other fucking idiots say). There's only like 6 episodes left, and I'm still hoping for the Ray and Debra divorce; but it'll probably end up with Robert and plain-Amy moving AGAIN to another state. This show has turned into the "Debra hates Raymond" show and the only fitting thing is for them to finally get sick of each other and face to the apparent fact that was obvious to all of us that Ray and Debra should have never gotten married. I've seen every single episode and I just can't believe the conflict. Yeah, it's just a show but within the show is a storyline.... and in that storyline is a plot that makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe they'll pull a "Newhart" or "Roseanne" and say it was all dream or Ray writing a novel. Two and a Half Men is still pretty god damn funny. Next column: Tuesday - Saturday |
| <> Wednesday December 29th 2004 <> "...and stay off the rag!" Part 2 of the television season review of comedies that I watch. Tuesday: Tuesday nights are mostly a 30 minute affair with the still funny "According to Jim", which is probably the best family comedy from ABC since "Home Improvement". Even in its 3rd season, it still has that "1st season wit and freshness" to it. "Rodney" is the newest ABC family comedy, and it's pretty much like "Roseanne" was when it came out, only this is like an 1/8th as good. Rodney Carrington is the latest stand-up comedian to get his own show. Wednesday: Weak. This is one hour of crappy CBS television with the horrible and drying-up "King of Queens" and the new John Goodman "Center of the Universe" which is a collection of actors from other shows (Jean Smart "Designing Women", Ed Asner, Oswald from "Drew Carey Show", the redhead from "The Commish" and a few others I can't think of right now). This show is about as much fun as fruitcake. "Quintuplets" on Fox. I watch this show only because I want Andy Richter to succeed on television. The only problem is, the show is centered completely on the kids and their lives, and Andy is barely even used. And I can't believe after only like 4 months they've gone through all 22 episodes already. "Scrubs". Still a funny show but no one's watching because they keep moving it around. Shame on you, NBC. Thursday: What a blackhole this night has become. You know NBC, the Thursday night king for over 20 years, is in trouble when all of your Thursday night programming is the horrible "Joey" spin-off and it's followed by an hour and a half of "Will & Grace". Friday: If you like crap, this is your night. Both ABC and the WB has two hours of sitcom crapness! I feel embarrassed to review the following shows. Real fucking embarrassed. 7pm:"What I Like About You" went from the cute and quirky show it was into some painful teen drama and teen singer showcase. This is the type of show where you watch with the sound off. "8 Simple Rules" is still not good. They should have canceled it when John Ritter passed away. 7:30pm: "Complete Savages", the brainchlid of the ultra Christian / wife hating - wife burning in hell / anti-Semite lunatic Mel Gibson, is a show where the wife left the husband and their like 8 sons. This show is just so sickening to watch because it's nothing but stupid dumbass guys acting like complete idiots. I can guarantee it will be canceled by May. "Grounded for Life". This was actually a funny show and once was semi-brilliant, but in it's 5th season, it really bottomed the fuck out. It's like, your football team won their first 4 games, and then lost 12 straight. The writers just had NOTHING. And thus, the WB canceled it halfway thru the season. 8pm: Ah, the ever feisty "Reba". The show takes place in Texas, and yet she's the only one who actually has an accent. The funny thing about this show is that Reba is always pissed off at everyone and is stuck in the middle of people's shit constantly. If she was a man, she would have died from a massive heart attack already. "Hope & Faith". The most annoying perky woman on the planet Kelly Ripa (you're getting sharp Ginsu knives for Xmas, Regis) and the still hot Faith Ford. The first mistake in this show is that Faith Ford is actually the "Hope" character. The 2nd mistake was recasting the oldest daughter in the second season (even tho the original looked more like Hope's daughter than the new one). The 3rd mistake was casting the ultimate "jump the shark" posterchild Ted McGinley, tho he isn't bad at all on this show, tho all he does is say like 3 lines, drinks beer and stays out of the way for most of the show. And of course, as it goes, the Hope and Faith sisters are the center of the show and their sister bond takes precedent over any marriage, child or boyfriend. If Hope was in a situation like standing on the edge of a soon-to-erupt volcano and could only save one, she would pick her sister over her husband because you can always get another husband but you only get one sister!!!! 8:30pm: Now, here is actually something good! "Blue Collar TV" with its Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. Usually filmed live in a theatre hall in Atlanta (tho like trio & its crew did before, it goes across the country to perform) is the closest thing to the great "Carol Burnett Show". I usually don't like redneck humor but some of this shit is just too funny. The plus-side to this show is that the material is well-rehearsed and very polished, instead of just starting over each week from scratch. "Less Than Perfect" with its fat redhead and fat black woman, with its David Puddy (yeah that's right) and Andy Dick playing the unconvincingly straight heterosexual is just too much to bare. Saturday: It's the night where the networks just give up and say "go out and have your fun, we don't fucking care." "MadTV" is still the best late night sketch comedy show out there, while SNL is just a mere shadow of its former greatness. The problem with that show is too many trendy hosts to appeal to teens; hosts who can't act or memorize their lines; most hosts are not really comedians, and subpar writing and poor cast members which have little to no charisma. There's a reason why most former hosts won't return: the cast sucks and it's too difficult to work with them when they suck so bad. To sum it up, the whole show is basically skits that would had been on 11:50pm (last sketch) 12 years ago. It doesn't help that they don't start writing the scripts until Wednesday. Maybe if they actually took their time, and worked with the host for at least 2 weeks beforehand instead of 4 days, the show would be better and more polished. Part of the problem is Lorne is adding / subtracting sketches at the last minute (as shown on "60 Minutes") and keeps re-arranging shit, so nobody knows what the hell is going to come next. Tho the biggest problem is at the top, and that's Tina Fey. Fire Tina Fey! And there you have it. The biggest ray of hope is coming this March, when "Family Guy" and the unpromising "American Dad" takes over Fox lineup, which will probably be on at 7pm on Wednesday nights. Putting Family Guy on Sunday nights against Desperate Housewives would be a big mistake. |
| <> Thursday December 30th 2004 <> "
someone burned down our church!" if the movie stinks, don't go see it! That's my advice. |
| <> Friday December 31st 2004 <> "
get barren!" icicles as murder weapons. They'll never find it! |
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