December 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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/\ Monday August 1st, 2005 /\ "divide and conquer."

Day 20: 380. The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There -- 417. The Beatles - Things We Said Today

I was watching an old episode of "Home Improvement" yesterday.

**Randy is hanging out with his girlfriend in the den, but decides to enter the Taylor kitchen where mother Jill is folding laundry**

Mother Jill (with slight Texas accent): "What's the matter, Randy, don't yew like yer cute
lil girrrrl frah�end over there?"

Randy: "But mommmmmmmmm, she doesn't have a penis!"

Tim enters from garage: "Hey who wants to do some lines in the hot rod?? Hahahahaha!"

Brad: "I have to go stand outside an' stand around an' wait while my hair grows longer."

Mark enters room: �I�m going to do something strange, like bark at a wall and marry a 40 year old woman.�

Jill: �Mark, what the hell�� **Mark exits front door**

Tim enters from the garage again: �Hey who wants to do some lines on the souped-up lawn mower�s new chrome finish?? Hahahahahaha!�

Brad re-enters from being outside: �Hey, I�m gonna go stand outside and look at the soccer ball an� think about how I�m going to college to play soccer an� nothing else.�

And then I changed the channel. And then I said to myself,

"there sure are a lot of lesbians in this auto insurance commercial."

-o-
Yesterday's results: $0. Today's result: $-5. Total results: $7.

/\ Tuesday August 2nd, 2005 /\ "sure what the fuck: "Howard Dean for President in '08."

Day 21: --

Two longhairs are headbanging while attending a rock concert. Suddenly they pause and actually listen to the music.

singer: "Swha-deeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt! Omga no dah, Blap gonda! Wet speed explooooooooooooooode!"

Two longhairs: **stare in disbelief**

singer: "Teee An Tee!" (arf...arf....arf...) Teen Fan Blee! (arf...arf...arf..) Tea Gland Pee! (arf....arf..) Mmmgah flower loaddddddd (arf..) speegah dooooooooooooo!"

longhair # 1: "hey, what the fuck are we doing at an AC/DC concert??"
longhair # 2: "man, we really fucked up big time!"

singer: **clears throat** **clears throat again** �speck-a-leeva-crew-winnabeg-shrump-ga-doooooo!� **loud music starts again & fans begin cheering loudly**

longhair # 2. "let's leave."

longhair # 1. "Wait! I heard this riff during a car commercial! Oh wait... that was for an Apple computer."

**longhairs leave.**

END

/\ Wednesday August 3rd, 2005 /\ "The Catania Diet: million$ in the making."

Day 22: --

Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script. Inspiration for this came from a scene I saw on "Everybody Loves Raymond" tonight, where I took an actual moment, and made it up from there. Those familiar with the show will get the subtle name references. I tested this out on a select loving group of people, and apparently it didn't shock any of them at all. I was trying to shock and be as offensive as possible, but to no avail. I sure have a lot of Liberal friends. But here it is anyway.

-o-

The Stalone family enters a church where a funeral of a distant relative is taking place.

Wife: "I still can't believe your mother isn't talking to you."

Raul: "I know, I mean, I should be higher than a pilot, but I�m not. oh there she is."
**approaches mother**

Raul: "hey mommmmmmmm, hey mommmmmmm, hey.. **mother walks away** �ok you walk away."

old man: **smugly walks up to Raul** "christ almighty should you give a rat's ass about your mother!"

Raul: **smiles** "hehehe eh fuck you."

old man: �What did you say?!�

Raul: **smiles** "fuck you!"

old man: �You can't talk to me that way!�

Raul: �Can�.. and did. "fuck...youuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

old man: �I outta box your ears!�

Raul: "fucccccccck youuuuuuuu!"

old man: �You can't do that!�

Raul: "oh fuck you, old man!"

old man: �I�m gonna stop you, Big Nose!�

Raul: **smiles** "Heh! Me first!" **punches old man in the nose**

old man: "what the hell!�

Raul: "Again!" **punches again** "I�ll break it 6 ways to Sunday! ..whatever that means."

old man: **winces with pain** "oooooh godddd" **face & hands become stained with blood**

Raul: "hahaha yeah!" **dances like a joker & claps**

old man: "You son of a bitch! I fought in WWII & Korea, man!"

Raul: "ooooo pawn in the war pig machine! You were just the Government's patsie....! Took it square in the ass like a woman! You wasted your time! Suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

old man: "I can't believe this!" **fuming mad as hell**

Raul: "That's riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! you know what I can't believe? I can't believe I haven't punched you a 3rd time!" **punch**

old man: "owwwwwwwwwww!" **falls to knees**

Raul: "soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry, soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry. Hahahaha!"

Raul�s wife: "what...the hell are you doing..." **watches**

Raul: "just stickin' it to the man."

Raul: **back to the old man** "War is stupid! War sucks! Nobody respects what you're doing! You're wasting our tax payer money! Stop wasting our money! Get over yourselves! Boooooooo!� where's our free oil?? You people make me sick! Go to hell! You people and your business destroy families and ruin lives! You ruined our lives! All of our lives!"

old man: "You got a lot of nerve...! how DARE you! How fucking DARE YOU!"

Raul: **mockingly starts flapping arms like a chicken** "Oh, "I need two fucking holidays to show how my stupid legs got shot off!" It�s you're own stupid god damn fault!"

old man: "god, boy... you're dead. DEAD!"

Raul: "war pig! oinnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

old man: "I put my life on the line for Pinko Commies like you!!!"

Raul: �Nobody respects what you did! Nobody cares, man. NOBODY! Suck it!"

old man: **to Raul�s mother** "Look what your piece of shit son did to me, Louise!"

Raul�s mother: "I see you, Hank." **turns around and looks the other way from Raul's presence**

Raul: "dead souls for nothing, man."

** Raul & wife walk away"

Raul�s wife: "I must say, I have never seen you act that way before! And I gotta be honest.. I�m extremely shocked! but I�m very impressed by the way you stood up to your father! And I find it rather sexy, roarrrr!" **grabs arm & begins groping it**

Raul: "eh whatever. I voted for Bush."

Raul & wife leave the room.

fade out

writer�s commentary:

Well we sure had a lot of good �ol fun writing this. If you�re writing for a sitcom, don�t be afraid to push across some offensive messages and horrible story lines, and downright blasphemous behavior that would land most people in jail or incite protests, because you can always use the last 10 seconds of the show to say �Just kidding!�

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<| Thursday December 1st, 2005 |> "Hey! It's a stupid joke and a stupid crowd would get it!!"

Deplorable, even more things you didn't know about me.

126. While growing up, I loved ketchup and hated mustard. As time went on, I ate less and less ketchup, and to this point, I hate ketchup / love mustard.
127. I do not like Dijon mustard, tho.
128. I do not like horseradish, either.
129. I prefer dark chicken meat over white chicken meat. But I'm the opposite with turkey.
130. To this day after 27+ years, I still do not have any mustache whiskers. It's all peachfuzz.
131. I believe in good gas mileage over style and power.
132. I'm into practicality and sensible spending over splurging / rewarding myself.
133. I find Zoo's depressing and dub them "animal prisons". haha I'm just quoting a Calvin & Hobbes strip. But yeah, it is like a prison, and I think the whole idea of "endangered species" is pretty stupid. So what if there's no more white tigers or whales or dolphins? Is this really going to affect our lives in any significant way?
134. I sneer at movies / radio shows / tv shows who do outrageous things just for pure shock value.
135. If I ever became a teacher, I'd give mis-information just for the fact that I could.
136. I'm fascinated by news / pop culture history between early 1960s-1989.
137. I think my favorite food is cheeseburgers.
138. I vow never to wear sweatpants again. I wore them all the time between 1988-1996 like an idiot.
139. I love to swear. I mean, seriously, seriously curse. I do it �cause it's a lot of fun & its vulgar.
140. Believes toys should be made of metal and wood because plastic is a precious petroleum by-product.
141. I hate wearing a scarf. I can't stand things on my neck, including bedsheets.
142. I do not enjoy running, wrestling, soccer, dancing / square dancing, weight lifting or fishing
143. I'm not about facial hair. Tho from 1996 to about mid 2002 or so, I almost always had a goatee & sideburns. One season I had a "dorsal fin shaped goatee" that had many curves, was 2 inches long at the tip and was trimmed with scissors.
144. I feel that teenagers and fast food corporations are ruining pop culture / this country.
145. I'm obsessed with knowing the copyright dates on things and I always look to see when literature was written / films & television shows were made. I learned Roman Numerals solely because of this.
146. Constantly in the process of finding new desktop background images / changing Windows color schemes.
147. For deodorant, I must have the white-cake kind. Any gel / clear stick is weak / pointless for me.
148. While I have watched every single episode of new SNL religiously, I never watch the musical guest segment.
149. I don't know how to roller skate / rollerblade / balance on a skateboard / spin a basketball on my finger.

<| Saturday December 3rd, 2005 |>   "Subway subs are really good for ya... if you don't get anything on it."

God damn crazy dreams.

Last night, I dreamt I was a contestant on "The Apprentice". We were working in a group on a project, while I was also cooking dinner for everyone. Apparently I was in charge of this. Then Donald Trump, looked at our project while I was working on it, and he said, "Dolph... you're fired.   You're not �comic� enough.�

I immediately said, "what the HELL does that mean?? You can't fire me in my own house! You fucking UN-fire me!"

So I told one of the most powerful and influential businessmen on the planet to un-fire me while I was restrained & escorted away by a follow contestant. Later on in the dream, I continued working on the team, ended up cleaning all of the dinner plates and dishes (very boring). But I was un-fired. You know why? 'cause....

Dolph RULES!!!!!

Let's make a list of pro's and con's:

Pro's: Dolph rules!!!!         Con's: Dolph Rules!!! (which means you don't)

Here's something to laugh at: women's basketball!

Haw hahahahahaha!

<| Friday December 2nd, 2005 |> "maybe if you stop feeding it, it'll stop throwing up."

"Frank Thomas: eh? "

It's highly unlikely that the White Sox will offer Frank Thomas arbitration, so after Wednesday, the team won't have a chance to re-sign him until May 1st. Which is likely he still won't be able to play. Which is all fine and dandy, because he still gets paid $3.5 million to sit on his ass in 2006, which is what's wrong with sports.

Apparently some Sox fans are bitching that FT isn't getting his due, and that his numbers are sooooooo wonderful and he belongs in the HOF & is the greatest Sox player ever and it's a travesty that the Sox aren't going to resign him. Big fucking whoop.

I remember watching FT's debut on that late August night in County Stadium, Milwaukee 1990. He hit a triple (!) down the right field line for his 1st hit. From say, 1991 to 1996 he was the most feared hitter in baseball. During this time, FT was everywhere on TV, for video games, news and advertising and won two MVP's.

Then something happened and FT unraveled. He was pouty, moody, barking at umpires when they called close strikes. You see, he had the most uncanny eye for the strike zone since Ted Williams. He would layoff pitches that were half an inch off the plate. Then, due to the "Steroid-Homerun Conspiracy To Lure Fans Back After The 1994-95 Strike" with MLB telling umpires to suddenly call a much, much different strike zone of the one stated in the rule book, affected FT tremendously, if not completely. Also his marriage was chaotic, (women gumming up the works once again) so he couldn't concentrate on baseball, and his stats would suffer and basically ruining his career.

Also being managed by incompetent people like Terry Bevington and Jerry Manuel, FT would boycott the media and was surly when he did talk, and of course, suddenly began constant bitching about "not being paid enough". FT signed a long-term deal which was one of the highest at the time. Then suddenly the market exploded in the late �90s, with crappy guys making FT-money or more.

Best players on teams don't always make good captains, and Thomas was no exception. Then inexplicably, while still only in his late 20's, demanded to become a DH! The Sox toyed with idea, and he hit over-whelmingly better as a 1B than a DH. Thomas then had a huge break-out year in 2000, and lost the MVP to Steroid Giambi by a few votes.

Then of course, came 2001. Sox were going to continue to contend, then early in April while playing 1st base, dives for a ball and tears his triceps, which was deemed "a football injury" and extremely, if not unheard of injury in baseball. Apparently it was the huge weight-shift is what caused this injury. And of course ended the Sox season. Then for the next 4 years, FT would have more injuries, started a spring training fight with Jerry Manuel, bail on teammates in the middle of the season, receive criticism from teammate David Wells, hold more media boycotts, still bitch about not DHing, and of course, would have more contract problems and it would have it restructured.

Thomas would never again play a full season, and to me has left a bitter taste in my mouth since 1997. While I respected his presence at the plate, he was never a favorite of mine. Players who are obsessed with numbers & stats & bitch about money & spend so much time on the DL while eating up the majority of payroll do not win me over. While he drew an absurd amount of walks and has one of the highest OBP of all-time, teams effectively killed a Sox rally by letting FT take his own bat out of his hands.

People will tend to throw in bogus statistics of "how the Sox have a better record with Thomas in the lineup than not." Well, that's bullshit since he's missed more than he's played, and they did win a World Series where he didn't play most of the season and the records really aren't that much different.

I have seen and followed Frank Thomas' career since Day 1. I've seen him play, I've seen the press conferences, and I have read almost every local article there was about him. It's just hard and almost unbelievable of what kind of career he has had. And the Sox effectively said "we've had enough of you" when they signed Jim Thome. FT has said he wanted to play his career here, and fans think that's wonderful. I don't. I just think its over-rated. Old men trying to hang on and somehow capture some old glory but can't while eating up payroll is just sad. About the only thing going for him is the fact that no one has ever accused him of being on steroids, being a former football player & was the biggest man in baseball in his debut. Most people say he has 1st-ballot numbers for the HOF. And typical of FT, even after finally winning the ring in the last gasp on his career, he was more interested in playing for another 3 years and getting 52 more homers for #500.

Truly sad indeed. So shut the fuck up, all of you.

<| Sunday December 4th, 2005 |> " "Dear Boss. You're a fucking idiot." ~me "

NBA: my kind of "free-swinging" slut.

The NBA was a lot different back in the day when I checked in an old 1966 World Almanac. For the 1964-65 season, there were 9 teams & two divisions:

Eastern Division: Boston Celtics, Cincinnati Royals, Philadelphia 76ers, New York Knickerbockers.
Western Division: Los Angeles Lakers, St. Louis Hawks, Baltimore Bullets, Detroit Pistons, San Francisco Warriors.

Eventually the Royals would move to K.C. to be the Kings in 1972-73 and would split home games between there and Omaha for 3 years. This antiquated notion reminded me of what the ABA did a lot and the NBA did back in the day: double your fan base by playing half of your home games somewhere else.

The NBA is known for its teams moving from town to town. Rochester >> Cincinnati Royals >> KC/Omaha Kings >> Sacramento. Tri-Cities Blackhawks >> Milwaukee Hawks >> St. Louis Hawks >> Atlanta Hawks. Philadelphia Warriors >> SF Warriors >> Golden State Warriors. New Orleans Jazz >> Utah Jazz. Fort Wayne Pistons >> Detroit Pistons. Buffalo Braves >> San Diego Clippers >> L.A. Clippers. Syracuse Nationals >> Philadelphia 76ers. Dallas / Texas Chaparrals >> San Antonio Spurs. Chicago Packers >> Chicago Zephyrs >> Baltimore Bullets >> Capital / Washington Bullets. Minneapolis Lakers >> L.A. Lakers, to name a few. And of course, most recently: Vancouver Grizzlies >> Memphis Grizzlies.

For me, it's hard to believe that BUF, SD, KC, BAL, StL were all NBA towns. Part of the charm or expedience of the NBA is that any team can play anywhere. Speaking of which, if you noticed, the New Orleans Hornets are playing in Oklahoma City this year with great attendance. And since NBA teams rarely sellout games, it would only make sense (and increase demand) to split the home games.

Suppose I could break this down:

New York Knicks play a 3rd at Syracuse. Boston Celtics play a 3rd at Uconn. Brooklyn Nets (�06) play half in New Jersey. Philadelphia 76ers play a 3rd in Pittsburgh. Toronto Raptors play half in Buffalo.

Chicago Bulls play half at U of I in Champaign. Cleveland Cavaliers play half in Columbus. Detroit Pistons play a 3rd in Grand Rapids. Milwaukee Bucks play half in Green Bay. Indiana Pacers play 15 at home, 13 in Louisville, Kentucky and 13 in Cincinnati.

Atlanta Hawks play half in Birmingham, AL. Miami Heat play half in St. Petersburg. Orlando Magic play a 3rd in Jacksonville. Charlotte Bobcats play half in Raleigh. Washington Wizards play half in Baltimore.

Dallas Mavericks play a 3rd in El Paso. San Antonio Spurs play half in Austin. Houston Rockets play a 3rd in New Orleans. Memphis Grizzlies play 15 at home, 13 in Nashville and 13 in St. Louis. Oklahoma City Hornets play half in Kansas City.

Denver Nuggets play a 3rd in Billings, Montana. Minnesota Timberwolves play half in Omaha, Nebraska. Portland Trail Blazers play half in Boise City, Idaho. Seattle SuperSonics play half in Vancouver. Utah Jazz play half in Las Vegas.

Golden State (Oakland) Warriors would play half in San Jose. Los Angeles Clippers would play half in San Diego. Los Angeles Lakers would play a 3rd in Anaheim. Phoenix Suns would play half in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Sacramento Kings would play half in Fresno.

Home schedule would fluctuate between halves/ thirds depending on attendance each year.
Since it�s an 82-game season, "half" denotes 21 games at home and 20 at "other home".
"3rd split" is 28 games at home and 13 at "other home".
Some of these cities have populations that are 450,000+, which is more than enough to support some season packages of 13, 15 and 20 games a year. Nearest & largest College basketball arenas would be used.
This includes 61 cities (not counting L.A. twice).
And yes, it�d be wonderfully confusing to attending fans!

I enjoyed wasting another column.

<| Tuesday December 6th, 2005 |> "Caffeine' is not a toy!!!!!!!!!!!"

There is no way in hell Rafael Furcal is worth $13 million for 3 years!! The guy has like zero power, doesn't really hit for a high average but can field shortstop, steal bases and lead off; big fucking deal.

I think the NFL should fine itself for not fining Chad Johnson of the Bengals and all these other cocksuckers for their endzone celebrations. It's disrespectful to the opposing players on the other team, and knowing the NFL, pissing-off their future teammates. And I think the NFL should fine fans who find those antics amusing. And while NFL fans are at it, they should all punch themselves in the face.

Are you involved in a boycott? Find one and boycott something today! Mine include of the following: McDonalds, Best Buy, Chipotle, that one Burger King on Ogden, Wal-Mart, That 70s show, Malcolm in the Middle, Yes Dear, Fear Factor, paying for sporting event tickets & merchandise, movie theatres, new music CDs and concerts, brussel sprouts, rutabaga, ice cream, cookies, gum & candy, wine, hot dogs, sausage links, 97.9 FM the Loop, 3-D embroidered cap logos.

I'd like to see: an athlete drop the championship trophy and break it. A tv announcer die on the air. The runner coming home from 3rd base trip on the bat lying near home plate and fall down. A child explode on live tv. A golf player throw his club into the crowd in anger. A football player throw the penalty flag right back at the ref. A basketball player throw the ball at somebody's face really hard.

I have learned, what words or gossip you don't know, can't hurt you.

An "Alberta Clipper" is a storm system that forms over the Alberta Province, and moves fast, like a clipper ship.

I've found out that after playing a Europe cross-country racing game, crashing is more fun than racing.

The 1967-68 2nd year Chicago Bulls went to the playoffs with a W/L 29-53 record (.354%), 27 games out of first place probably has to be the worst playoff team ever make it in Pro sports.

I think chocolate is pure lard. Also I think it promotes brain damage. Which is why women like it so much.

<| Monday December 5th, 2005 |> " you played it right, Warren. "All of the baggin', none of the naggin'. "

The Bears beat the Packers in Chicago 19-7, which is probably Favre's last trip ever there. The Bears won despite the offense not scoring any points (4 field goals / defensive interception-TD). Nevertheless, this Packers loss (2-10) to the Bears made every cheddarhead's winter that much colder. Favre better be hanging it up this year, because he looked terrible. Threw 2 interceptions, nearly had 8, and had a sack-fumble. And the only way I'd ever be a Packers fan if those cheddar hats were made out of REAL cheese.

The Bulls, playing their 4th game in 5 nights against the Pistons. They lead by 15 points in the 2nd quarter, then the Pistons tied at halftime, and the Bulls lose by 13. Bulls need to work on their free-throws, missing 9 of 26 attempts. If this isn't a case of the NBA stringing too many games together, than I don't know what is.

The night before in New York, the Bulls sent the Knicks to the charity stripe a whopping 57 times, converting 45 of their 109 points. Bulls went 25 times and converted 18 points of their 101. The point here is that free throws are very, very important. The problem with the NBA today is players are too busy thinking about their own clothes and jewelry and protesting the dress code and playing defense. The last decade, it was about pass-and-shoot.

Don't you wish your town or country had a profile like this?? "It is illegal for police officers to carry out searches due to strict privacy laws, sales of fishnet stockings have reached a record high, research into artificial intelligence has been banned and several citizens have complained about scientists abducting their pets for experimentation."

It's funny and ironic that some of the richest people in the world are the same ones reporting about the poorest people in the world.

I really wish they'd take off all shows with Judges and those trash talk shows like Jerry Springer.

<| Wednesday December 7th, 2005 |> "those who horde shall be King!"

Ah, Happy Family!

The Nanny is coming! Why? Because you don't know how to control your bad children! It's been long stated that "stupid people make stupid babies" but we're going past that today. This bad family consists of two young parents in their early 30's, have two daughters at the age of 2, and a 3 year old son. Mom is an evil lady who's gone crazy, er, crazier from staying home all day, while dad works at a gas station all day. Stupid Dad has very limited brain capacity, and been demoted to "Trainee".

First mistake was Crazy Mom and Stupid Dad agreeing to meet on a blind date. The second mistake was dropping acid and having sex on the first date, which led to accident # 1 of 3. Mistake number 3 was getting married after knowing each other for only 4 weeks. Mistake number 4 was not getting an abortion. Ah, the stupidity.

Happy Family has a disciplinary problem. Their refusal to smack the kids around when they do something wrong. Their refusal to stop buying their children toys. Their refusal to stop believing their children are entitled to everything that technology & the toy market has to offer. Their refusal to lock the fucking door at bedtime so the fucking kids don't get out time after time when the damn kids refuse to go to bed.

Stupid Dad: "Wife's a bossy bitch. I'm a slave to her. I used to do things! I hate being your slave to this family! I never get to do what I want! I was in a band, god damn it!!"

Crazy Mom: "You never listen to me! I need a break from these damn kids! They're your problem, too! I haven't seen my feet in 4 years!!"

Nanny: "You people, need to yell louder. You people, need to get a belt and a slapping technique. You people need to shut up, not talk so much, stop wasting so much money. You people need to teach these children to not whine or cry, & to suppress their emotions and needs. And you people need to put the fear of God and pain into the children."

2 weeks since the Nanny had begun critiquing the Happy Family and despite numerous lessons, no improvement has been made.

Crazy Mom: "Why won't these children eat their brussel sprouts??? Everybody loves stew!! And the lil brats didn't finish their bottle of Mountain Dew at dinner!!!"

Stupid Dad: "I don't work at the Gas 'o Hole for 6 hours a day to come home and put up with this childish bullshit! I want "ME time"! I want time to punch things! And do "wheelies" on my dirtbike!"

Crazy Mom: "I hope you break your fucking neck falling off that thing!"

Stupid Dad: "It's just a stupid neck sprain!!!! Don't tell me what to do, Slavedriver!! Shut up! I used to do things! Like paint and download music!"

Nanny: "The Happy Family went to the McDonalds. This was wrong on so many levels."

**cut to scene** Stupid Dad: �Um yeah, I want 7 double cheeseburgers and 4 Big Macs with extra cheese and bacon, 50 chicken McNuggets, 5 orders of fries and 5 Cokes which I need you to super-size it.�

**cut to scene** Stupid Dad: **close-up of paying for food with credit card**

**cut to scene of son crying at table** Crazy Mother: "be quiet and finish up your fries! Finish your Coke!!!"
Bad son: "I don�t wanna! Chest hurts!!!"
Crazy Mom: "Oh you big stupid baby!! What�s wrong with you! I'll eat them!!" **grabs the carton of fries & pours fries down big mouth**

**cut to scene** At table: **both daughters are jumping up and down, screaming, throwing french fries and pouring Coke everywhere.**
Stupid Dad: "You kids didn't finish up your Big Mac's! Give them to me, I'll eat them all. I'm going for some apple pies and shakes." **leaves**

**cut to scene** old Middle-Aged couple approaches Happy Family: "Your children are being very rude and disruptive! Please control your awful, awful children! Teach them to behave proper in a public setting! This isn't your personal bathroom!"
Crazy Mom: **yells** "Dont you tell me how to raise my kids!!!! That's none of your fucking business! You leave us the hell alone you stupid ass-faces!! Nobody tells me how to raise my kids!"

Nanny: "I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And yet, it was so common."

**cut to scene** Crazy Mom: "We're going to the ball & slide area."
Nanny: "No you're not! Those places are filthy and ridden with disease!"
Crazy Mom: "Don't you tell me what to do with my kids!!"
Nanny: "It is a very bad idea! There's exposed rusted metal everywhere!"
Crazy Mom: "This is "me time" !!! Don't tell me how to handle "me time!""
Stupid Dad: **burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!** "I wanna go home and play dirtbike!!!"

Nanny: "Never mind the fact that it was her best friend who suggested I come help this family."

Crazy Mom: "Alright kids, get in the car! We're going to drop you off in the supermarket while I go get a facial, perm and some other cosmetic stuff. Dad will be across town in the arcade."
Stupid Dad: **pumped up** "That stupid Kung Fu fighter is so DEAD!!! I rule!!"
Bad son: "I gotta throw up!! Food bad!!"
Nanny: **steps in Happy Family�s tracks** "No you�re not! We are heading home!"
Stupid Dad: "Nooooooooooo!!! Kung Fu!!!"

Nanny: "After the stupid Happy Family piled into their Hummer, it was time to do what needed to be done with this family."

**cut to scene** **everyone gathered around kitchen table** Nanny: "Alright you people. You all have been given various sizes of dynamite and child-friendly cigarette lighters. You are now all instructed to put the dynamite's non-wick / non-string end into your mouths and begin chewing on it! No, Bad Son, don't try to set the floor on fire. It's concrete, it won't burn."

Daughter #1: "This fun! Mine taste like bubble gum!"
Daughter #2: "My taste like cherry!"
Stupid Dad: "Hahahaha, mine tastes like McDonalds!"
Crazy Mom: "Mmmmmm! Mine tastes like chocolate!! MMMMMM!!!!!"
Bad son: **stands there holding his dynamite. hasn�t figured out instructions yet**

Nanny: "Now, you are all instructed to count to 10, then, with your cigarette lighters, push the button and set fire to the wick / string. Ready? Splendid! Go!" **runs out the door**

Crazy Mom: "This is the best tasting dynamite I have ever eaten!!!"
Stupid Dad: "I popped so many wheelies today! I hurt my face when I crashed into the fence!"
Bad son: "1...2.....4....A...B...6...2...."

Nanny: **stands out in street looking at the house**

**cut to scene** House blows up.

Nanny: "Wonderful! Splendid! Another problem solved! Works every time!"

Voice-over: "Tune in next week to watch the Nanny tackle another troubled stupid fat American family on Nanny 911..... on FOX!!!!!"

END

<| Friday December 9th, 2005 |> "and if you're not too busy, you can all just go to hell!"

Unbelievable.

Even with their billions-of-dollars NASA weather computer system, stupid cocksuckers can't get a forecast right!

"Oh yeah, tomorrow expect maybe an inch of snow, with the heavier stuff well, well south of the city. Hey, here's a map to show where the snow is going to fall! Look how far south it is!"

New rule: do NOT go out anywhere when it snows!

Since the last time you were out in the snow, there has been hundreds, if not thousands of new idiots introduced into your area, and odds are� they don't know how to drive.

Traffic delays took from 1 hour to 5 hours. I spent 3 hours in the car yesterday. At times, you didn't move at all..and other times, you went between 8 and 25mph for a few seconds.

Now let's talk about the snow. Apparently computers under-estimated how much snow was going to come down, by oh, I don't know, 6 to 12 inches worth! If you recall driving on freshly packed snow with no salt on the road, and the tow truck drivers are at the bar eating peanuts and drinking beer at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, it isn't pleasant. It's very difficult to steer in, let alone turn, and maybe 3 cars can get thru that left-turn arrow. Oh! And let's not forget the people who love to make lane changes! That's a nice 5 minute procedure! And it's one big nerve wracking panic attack when you're trying to avoid hitting other people, which of course will be an insurance nightmare and delay everyone. If you can help it� stay at home or at work or at the mall, because it really is that bad on the roads. I can't think about it anymore.

I think it's time to give global warming a kick in the ass!

<| Thursday December 8th, 2005 |> "I'll get my scissors and cut your b-days right off the calendar!"

Sometimes I love watching the news!

You remember how people signed up years ago to get put on a waiting list for those fuel efficient Hybrid cars?

Interesting for you to mention that.

I was watching World News Now on ABC, and they had a rather interesting piece. Apparently, the cars aren't as fuel efficient as once thought. A man was driving his beloved Hybrid around town, and naturally, became absolutely obsessed with his gas mileage.

The EPA tests these cars in their labs and assigns MPG ratings. What their ratings don't factor in, is condition driving and situations. This man in particular, his Hybrid was supposed to get 60 miles to the gallon. He only gets 32. Thirty Two! Sounds like a big rip-off to me! Other sources, Consumer Reports has other examples of 48 MPG getting only 26 MPG.

This man was rather pissed off that his ugly, shitty little hippie Environmentally friendly hunk of junk wasn't doing what it was supposed to be doing: saving his stupid ass on gas! And he was also rather pissed that Hybrid engines are now being installed in SUV's and trucks who rely more on power. Doesn't really make a whole lotta sense. Bullshit!

<| Saturday December 10th, 2005 |> "all i can say is this has "bad idea" written all over it."

What�s the deal with players not wanting to honor contracts anymore? Oh yeah, that�s right.

Miguel Tejada wants out of Baltimore. He doesn't like the direction the Orioles are taking. Um, the Orioles have had no direction since the late 90s. They just sign a bunch of old, out-dated OR overly-hyped young players to outrageous big contracts. It�s been 9 seasons since the last A.L. East team that wasn't the Yankees or Red Sox made the playoffs, when it was a whole entirely different world out there. This is a fact: only the Yankees & Red Sox can will that division.

Apparently, Tejada didn't know this when he signed a 6-year, $72 million dollar contract only 2 seasons ago. It's pretty foolish to offer a contract that long, but even more foolish to accept it. 6 years is a long time. Maybe Tejada should have done his homework. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the O's have one of the worst owners in baseball who doesn't know anything about baseball (he's a lawyer first), fans have been going away in flocks, the "new stadium novelty" has worn off, and baseball's current structure gives the O's no realistic chance to compete.

Now if I was making $72 million, I'd be jumping for joy, no matter how bad the team is. Tejada left a great winning team in sunny Oakland to be on the dreary east coast. Going to Baltimore is a death sentence, like a pitcher going to the Colorado Rockies.

I'm getting sick and tired of players not honoring contracts. If it was good enough for you to sign on Day 1, then it should be good enough until the last day. If the market changes while your in the middle of your contract and you'd be making more if you signed today, well tough shit. If all you care about is what your market value is, well you can go to hell, then.

Extremely un-nostalgic, but I think baseball needs to come to this: offer only 1 year contracts. There is so much player over-turn it's sickening. You compare rosters from 2 years ago, and like 70% of the team is gone. Go back 5 years and you'll be lucky to see 3 players there. So what, I say. Odds are, if a player signs a contract longer than 3 years, he will be traded in it. There's an automatic clause in baseball, called the "5-10". Meaning "5 years on the same team; 10 years played in MLB". You almost never see that anymore, which is why there's so many trades.

So to hell with it. Every team will have to build from scratch every off-season. We live in a world of short attention spans and instant gratification, so why not in baseball? Tho I suppose the drawback is that stupid owners wouldn't get stuck with bad contracts for as long. But on the other hand, teams like the Texas Rangers would be 1 to 3 years ahead of where they are today could they have gotten rid of A-Rod after all those last place finishes with him. So would this kind of 1-year plan benefit big-market teams more or small market teams?

<| Monday December 12th, 2005 |> "grab your fucking friend and love 'It' !"

Shits and bits:

Only in hockey could a team owner is also be the team captain & best player.

Hold 'Em Poker is good and all..but it's not great.

I'm beginning to see why newspaper subscriptions are dropping dramatically. The shitty things pile up! 2 weeks go by and suddenly there are mountains of newspaper of thousands of pages lying around. Plus it�s a pain in the ass to clean up after every day.

Damn this shitty blog. It always needs updating every single day!

I don't believe the blog's content should be compromised solely for more traffic.

I believe that many blogs out there are extremely boring, and people use them as sticky post-it notes for mindless chatter instead of a creative outlet.

I notice that most blogs lack an edge. "Where's the edge???" People need to use more profanity.

I don't like blogs where you have to register to comment or to see it.

I find people who attach printout letters to their Xmas cards to be lazy and soulless. While of course nobody has the skill of handwriting anymore and it's a very antiquated notion to actually write out personal letters, attached printouts look stupid and looks like the idiot sat down on the computer one hour to brag about all of the details of their family's life inthe past year.

<| Sunday December 11th, 2005 |> "always take it out on the messenger."

The Bears lost and their defense got exposed for the fraud they are. They let an old, injured and fat Jerome Bettis who�s like 36, plow right over the top of them. Seriously, the Bears defensive stats got fat from playing in a weak NFC. It's no surprise to me that 3 of their 4 losses came against the AFC.

-o-

Ok, what you are about to see is real & was written by somebody who's probably under 15.

I'm stupid: "Beltran vs Jones okay i have a question cuz i was having a agruement. if they both had the same saleeries who would you rather have on your team carlos beltran or andruw jones? forget this past season too b/c they were both flukes."

Logic: "How could you just forget this past season? Jones, mostly because you want me to say Beltran."

I'm stupid: "so u really mean beltran?"

Logic: "Did I say Beltran?"

I'm stupid: "no u didnt say beltran but u said the only reson u said jones is cuz i want ppl to say beltran which really means u want beltran over jones."

Mocking you: "I think we should only evaluate them by looking at their 2004 playoff performances. Clearly the post-season is what matters most, and 2004 was an important year. Therefore, Beltran is certainly the dominant of the two. Sound okay to you now?"

I'm stupid: "huh?"

Logic: "No, he said mostly. And it was a jab at you."

I'm stupid: "at least a couple ppl have cents in thie topic. jones is fat lazy & a clubhouse cancer. if hes so great why are the braves looking to unload his contract? beltran = 40/40 maybe 50/50. andruw jones is just 30-40/5."

Logic: "Please, just stop typing."

Another voice: " 'jones is fat lazy.' How could someone that is fat and lazy be a very good defensive centerfielder who has won many Gold Gloves? We are not talking about Mo Vaughn here, this is Andruw Jones we are talking about."

The Hammer: " 'jones is fat lazy.' You obviously have Andruw Jones confused with the female members of your family."

END

<| Tuesday December 13th, 2005 |> " 'Waste Going To Waste'', Says Industry Lobby"

"Oh, look at me! I'm Joan Cusack, and I make all of these annoying cell phone commercials! I go around town, talking to people with my rubber jaw and talk about why people need to spend more time talking on the phone! I make about 4 new commercials a week, and I'm on tv every 5 minutes somewhere on the dial!�

There's a few things that annoy me about TV commercials. First off, they're extremely loud. Secondly, they either have trendy music to appeal to the idiot youth of today, or is about a cell phone, or about a new automobile I don't need & will never be able to afford anyway. Especially car commercials annoy me, because there's always some automobile driving really, really fast to make you nauseous motion sickness while somebody is screaming "BUY THIS SUV NOW!!!!!!!!" And then you get there�and the automobile isn't in stock�or in the right color� and they charge you for things like rust proofing, floormats, "Finder's fee", keys, rack-and-pinion steering, "Seller's fee", a variety of sales, city, county, state and region taxes.

-o-

Won't you come live in my country??? (fantasy political agenda country news)

Profile: This land has become a gigantic dustbowl filled with tourists and mean desperados. Major archaeological findings are frequently bulldozed to make way for new buildings. College students make ends meet by selling their kidneys, university graduates and new home-owners toil in labor camps to work off their debts, and Pinkerton agents are called in to forcibly break up white collar strikes.

Crime is crippling. Naturists are jailed regularly for indecent exposure, pristine wilderness has been trashed in the quest for cheaper oil, and hundreds of thousands of convicts work as slaves in this land's many privately-owned prisons.

<| Friday December 16th, 2005 |> "Cribb rats? What the hell is a cribb rat?"

More news on the country front:

"Society and government have been organized according to a feudal hierarchy, scenic mountain valleys are flooded with water as damming projects get underway, citizens drive tank-like vehicles with mounted machine guns, and traffic jams are a common sight due to construction work from a massive overhaul of the nation's freeways. Genetic research is temporarily tied up in government red tape, anti-government web sites are springing up, copyright laws have been abolished, and new urban roads are threatening city parks. Crime is pervasive."

-o-

"So we shall protest against the protestors who are protesting our high crime rate and gang problem!"

<| Thursday December 15th, 2005 |> "no, defense, NO!! Don't tip it in!!!"

This is a must-read for any Cribbage player. And if they put boring-ass Texas Hold 'Em poker on TV, why not cribbage? It'd be so much better, because there would be lots of kibitzing 'cause there's no bluffing involved.

Senior Citizens Riot, Loot After Cribbage Championship

TACOMA, WA--Fires raged into the wee hours of the morning yesterday as a group of drunken senior citizens rampaged through the city of Tacoma following Edna Crenshaw's stirring victory at the annual Cribbage championship. Residents of the city cowered inside their homes with the shades drawn as the marauding seniors set fires and smashed windows.

"I was so scared, I didn't know what to do", says one Tacoma resident, who asked not to be identified. "They were hooting and hollering and throwing rocks through windows. They even tried to overturn my car but for some reason they couldn't do it"

The riot came just minutes after the conclusion of the championship, which saw Crenshaw come form behind in rousing fashion to defeat defending champion Helen Clooney. Crenshaw, a local, was a huge underdog and her victory sent the crowd of seniors into frenzy.

"Crenshawwwww!", shouted 87 year old Lester Mclockton, as he stood atop a burning police car waving his shirt into the air. He then collapsed in a fit of coughing and wheezing before his wife rushed to his aid with heart medication.

In one of the most disturbing scenes of the riot, several elderly women, apparently inspired by the popular Girls Gone Wild videos, lifted their shirts and exposed their breasts to television cameras. The move left a few television reporters visibly shaken.

"I've always wanted to film one of those Girls Gone Wild videos", said Tom Craymont, cameraman for 7 News, Tacoma. "But not like this. Oh God, not like this"

As the seniors made their way through the town center, they tried repeatedly to overturn vehicles but were unsuccessful each time. Even after locating a '93 Yugo with no tires, they still could not muster the strength to flip it over on its side. In fact, several of the seniors collapsed in writhing agony as a result of crippling arthritis. After several frustrating attempts, the seniors settled on slashing tires and breaking windows.

The senior became more belligerent as the night went on. They seemed to be provoking police officers whenever they could get the chance. But the police officers responded calmly and did not have any need to use pepper spray.

Says Sgt. Carter of the Tacoma PD: "These little old people were running around screaming and yelling. Yea, they were a nuisance. But at no point did I feel physically threatened. I mean, come on, they're like 90"

He went on to say that some of the men were insulted by the lack of pepper spray and urged him to use it to disperse the crowd

"Come on you little shit!", screamed Hal Greenberg, his false teeth rattling in his gums. "Show me what you got! What, you're not afraid of me? Spray some of that shit you used on the college kids when Arizona State won the Rose Bowl."

He then attempted to beat Sgt. Carter with his cane, but was unable to lift his arm.

END

<| Wednesday December 14th, 2005 |> "I'm a red dot, you're a blue dot, we're all dots."

"Everyday, I hate football a little more." ~me after playing Madden '05.

Alright, College Football. You win. I like you better than the NFL. Your crowds are bigger, your games and players are faster, your team logos, uniforms and color schemes are much better and you have a richer history. And most importantly, your hash marks are further apart, thus opening one of the greatest things there is in football: running the option.

I am just sick of the NFL. The game has changed so much. It used to be about tough guys playing serious football. Players weren't as fat, they weren't as cocky, and games weren't treated as some hip party. Everything today is driven by marketing and money. I just don't have any connection or respect to any players anymore. The "best" player on the Bears, makes the most money, his jersey sells the most jerseys, and yet, he's extremely over-rated, dated one very high profile celebrity who everybody despises (hint: she's a rich bitch because her daddy is & she's all over TV / the tabloids). This chick messed with his head, caused him to suck and suddenly was dubbed "the most over-rated player in the NFL" by a sports magazine. And once that was over, he dated some unknown conniving bitch who was notorious for suing people. He ended up knocking her up & got of course sued. I mean, what the hell kind of role model is this??

I think it's pretty embarrassing that the City of Chicago & the Bears organization is celebrating the 20th Anniversary of the Bears winning Super Bowl XX with tours, tons of merchandise, embarrassing self promotion and a commemorative "Day" out of the year. You know what the Bears have done in the past, oh, I don't know, since like 1993? 1 playoff win. Green Bay won the Super Bowl and went to another. The XX loser Patriots have been to the Super Bowl 4 times since (and won 3). I've read comments on the Bears XX Party, and people think it's lame as hell.

I have watched 100's, if not thousands of NFL games, and suffice to say, most of them were boring as hell. Today I can't stand all of the TV graphics, the announcers, the ugly uniforms, the long tv time-outs and commercials and of course the studio commentators. I used to be hung up about being a full-assed Bears fan, which meant hating Packer fans more than anything. Over the years, I've stopped caring more and more, and while a Bears / Packer games still means everything to them, I just have other sports interests now.

I read a dandy article in the paper about the opinions of Bears fans at the stadium, if they're too rowdy or not. Well surprisingly, both the "are" and "aren't" side agreed that the fans are too loud, profane, sexually harassive (is that a word??) too drunk and disrespectful to everyone, including opposing team fans and their own, the ushers and even the groundskeepers. The only difference is the "are" side says "this is awful! Never going back again!" and the "aren't" side says, "yeah, it's there. We accept it!"

One thought: "children & women shouldn't have to put up with that abuse." Counter thought: "children & women have no business being at a football game, since it's expensive, profane and a drunken frat atmosphere. Watch it at home on tv." I agree we should ban children from attending NFL games because it's just like a huge ass bar. Plus an NFL game isn't exactly a cheap or wholesome family outing.

Another problem with the NFL for me, is there's too many teams. Traditional powerhouses like the Bears, Jets / Giants, 49ers, Dolphins, (and yes, even Bills with their rich history) Rams and Redskins now all really, really suck and haven't really been good at all in the past 2 to 6 years or even longer. There shouldn't be teams in Carolina, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Tennessee, or expansion teams in Houston or Cleveland. This is why the NFL is suffering in its old standard markets - too many teams deluding the system. And there's no point to even having the Cardinals, since they've never been good and never will be. It's a new era in the NFL, and I don't like it one bit. Just stop watching. I am.

<| Saturday December 17th, 2005 |> "and now, it grows..and spreads disease! Cha-cha-cha-chi-ah!"

"....standing a'round with all of his dumb'ass white friends with their brown tie, and their pink eye, and their rubber fly, and their broken buy and their mother high, and their cracker pie....."

<| Sunday December 18th, 2005 |> "You talk too loud & often! Don't shout across the room!"

"how can someone who watches so many cooking shows be so bad at cooking??"
Here's a nice political test to take, F�hrer. we all need to be classified and given labels on where we stand and who we are.
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.php

<| Monday December 19th, 2005 |> "poop your shittiness out!"

Even more news of the country front:

"Adultery has been made a capital offence, employers may fire workers without giving any reason, inheritance tax has recently been abolished, and religious organizations are being forced to leave the country or pay income taxes like everybody else. Corporations cut costs by taking away safety-features on their products, and teenagers are sent to jail for being out too late."

<| Tuesday December 20th, 2005 |> "here I am walking around town pooping out on the streets again."

"The way to defeat the Republicans is to BECOME the Republicans!"

<| Wednesday December 21st, 2005 |> "Yeah I want the tortilla chips made with the donkey lard."

The Abortion Fate Generator game! The game that tells you the destiny of the aborted! Let 'er rip!

The aborted at a random check:

5762. wife-beating football player
5763. drug addict
5764. drug addict
5765. drug addict
5766. cockfight ringleader
5767. defective product inventor
5768. slut
5769. occasionally fired lewd public school teacher
5770. whore
5771. prostitute
5772. Notre Dame fan
5773. drug addict
5774. telemarketer
5775. slut
5776. sarcastic bitch like her mother
5777. drug addict
5778. construction worker
5779. bad bus driver
5780. thief
5781. Bible nut
5782. drug addict
5783. crazy bitch
5784. murdered 3 people
5785. drug addict
5786. drug addict
5787. thief
5788. Democrat politician
5789. drug addict
5790. drug addict
5791. ugly cheerleader / neighborhood gossip
5792. child abusing mom
5793. terrible in bed
5794. inventor of addictive and fattening cookie
5795. ugly chick
5796. fighting prone football player
5797. disgruntled fabric store employee
5798. Dilbert
5799. Atheist
5800. dies in car crash as child
5801. drug addict prostitute
5802. won lottery but lost ticket
5803. drug addict Dilbert
5804. poisoned
5805. traffic cop
5806. drug addict football player
5807. rapper
5808. gangster drug addict
5809. TV personality
5810. illegal immigrant
5811. teen delinquent
5812. drug addict
5813. Lester the molester
5814. would have aborted 2 children
5815. murderer
5816. robber
5817. clown
5818. next Hitler
5819. school bully
5820. extortionist
5821. drug addict unknown Hollywood actor
5822. crazy homemaker
5823. McDonalds employee
5824. drug addict
5825. immigrant
5826. crass & narcissistic man
5827. subway token selling man
5828. drug addict
5829. P.E.T.A. member
5830. gangster
5831. gangster
5832. gangster
5833. trendy teen pop singer contestant
5834. extortionist to men
5835. drug addict writer
5836. shoplifter / food tamperer / tainter
5837. whore
5838. terrible romance novel writer
5839. drug addict football player
5840. miserable bitter poor bitch who had rich taste
5841. whore
5842. pro basketball player who commits adultery
5843. newspaper columnist
5844. barren woman
5845. drug addict
5846. man who forever ruined Christmas for all children
5847. fashion reporter
5848. Player with STD's
5849. dumbass
5850. drug addict janitor
5851. town penny-whore
5852. gangster turned minister
5853. abortion protestor
5854. bigot man who owns & runs grocery store
5855. party girl who drives off cliff
5856. old maid
5857. drowned in pool at age 9
5858. passive nerd
5859. jailhouse snitch
5860. bad driver
5861. terrible speller / walked funny
5862. next Stalin
5863. drug addict celebrity
5864. cable guy
5865. telemarketer
5866. school over-achiever / drunk housewife
5867. gangster
5868. incompetent TV sports analyst
5869. drug addict
5870. gas station attendant
5871. opium dealer
5872. Yankees fan
5873. eaten by wolf
5874. slut
5875. next Kenny G.
5876. really bad at math / Cashier
5877. compulsive gambling lesbian school gym teacher
5878. mentally retarded
5879. asshole just like his old man
5880. plus-size model / rapid donut consumer
5881. bi-polar lunatic
5882. avid Star Wars collector
5883. quit smoking but died in train crash

Wow, that's quite a list so far! So long for now. Goodbye!

<| Thursday December 22nd, 2005 |> "put dead rabbits on a stake as a message to other rabbits."

I saw on the news last night (ABC World News Now):

"Some smartass threw a snowball at a guy dressed up as Santa Claus"

Made me laugh. People, don't bother teaching your kids about Santa. It's cruel and it's deceiving. It's just so stupid all around. Don't make them victims by older kids from their truthful ridicule.

<| Friday December 23rd, 2005 |> "Happy Festivus! A festivus for the rest of us."

Yup. It's the time of the year again. Break out the aluminum pole, because it's time to gather around the table for the Airing of Grievances, and then after dinner, the Feats of Strength where you pin down the head of the household. Every year it gets more and more popular, due to the obscene commercialism of Christmas. I should point out that I hate xmas music / songs, I think elves are midget freaks of nature, there's nothing sanitary about mall-Santa Claus and continues to deceive stupid children prone to schoolyard punches and wedgies, and nobody ever lost weight on xmas. Go Festivus!

<| Saturday December 24th, 2005 |> "Mike Chompy & Dolph Rudager's Bloodbath Cribbage Showdown on ESPN!"

Songs o' moment that most people probably never heard of or like:

The Doors - Spanish Caravan
Jimi Hendrix - 51st anniversary
The Velvet Underground - Lady Godiva's Operation
Simon & Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy in New York
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young - Country Girl
Bob Dylan (with Johnny Cash) - Girl From The North Country
Talking Heads - And She Was
Tom Petty - The Waiting
Jim Morrison - Newborn Awakening

<| Sunday December 25th, 2005 |> "You know you want to shout it out! "FIRE!!!" "

I'm just glad that millions of children and parents don't have to put up with the lameness of the Bozo show anymore We all know there's nothing good about clowns. Especially old man-drunk-already-at-the-11am-taping clowns.

I have very cold, very distant & nauseating memories of "Bozo's Circus", which was on TV at 7am-9am every morning on WGN-9 and was filmed in Chicago at the WGN's Studio 1. At least in my era & area it was.

The show went through a lot in the 52 years it was on tv. New grumpy old ringleaders that lead "the Grand March" at the end, drunken Ray, drunken band replaced with coked-up synthesizer keyboardist, drunken Cooky, numerous budget cuts, drunken Bob Bell retires in 1984 and new drunken Bozo, drunk cast trashes stage during Three Bears sketch in 1979, more budget cuts, constant change of drunken puppet shows, excessive waste of whipped cream in pies that was used to throw at each other, then eventually getting reduced to a Sunday show, selling out by including government mandated "educational segments" and ultimately... cancellation in 2001.

Allegedly, thanks to modern times and a disdain for all things lame-retro, the demise of the show was when it lost its innocence. The story is, during one of Bozo's games, a boy who wasn�t selected from his audience exclaimed "fuck YOU, Bozo!". Bozo then said that the boy said a "Bozo no-no" and then the boy said, on camera of course, "Shove It, Clown!" This allegedly got broadcast, as the "fuck YOU" part wasn�t well heard, but the "Shove it" part was CLEARLY heard.

With its piss-poor production values and shitty two-bit props and the same shitty old cartoon for the 1500th time, it bored millions of children with the drunken antics of barroom banter. What a shitty show that was a tool for the Toy Corporations. "Oh! Look at this! You just won (insert product name and 20 second commercial info)" And dropping a fucking ball into buckets for cheap shitty toys and a tootsie roll. Give me a fucking BREAK! Traumatizing millions of ugly, ugly children for ever fearing clowns.

Ah, the drunken laugh of a clown. We will never, ever hear it again. Bozo is gone. Bozo is DEAD, George.

"You're hung up on some clown from the '60s, man!!!!"

<| Monday December 26th, 2005 |> "c'mon you gas guzzlers! go go go! (1970s car chase theme.mp3"

tv show host sitting in a chair in a small room with bookshelves in the background. Talks to the camera: "Oh hello's all you's childrens out there in TV Land! We're all just gettin' liquored up heres! Yeah, alright! We's all havings a good time here! **pours another glass of bourbon** Yeah, alright! Did we ever tells you the truth about the Easter Bunny? Well, strap it down and alls sit back, childrens!"

<| Thursday December 29th, 2005 |> "What Would Satan Do?"

Saddest Sports Moments of '05:

Johnny Damon going to the hated rival Yankees for $12 million more than the Red Sox were offering. Just another example of how player loyalty is dead and overrated. Even the King of Beantown is no exception.

Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France for the 7th time but still claimed as a hero despite scrutiny from the World Anti-Doping Agency. A liar and a cheater in sports and matrimony, he is to stand trial in March of �06.

Fire Sale in Miami: Ver. II. The Marlins once again completely dumping payroll because of a lack in funding for a new ballpark. Nevermind that they could build one themselves without the expense of the taxpayer, their attendance woes are their own problem (see Fire Sale Ver. I) and the team is likely to relocate.

The NHL resolves its dispute and hockey is played for the first time in 2 years.

Rafael Palmeiro getting his 3,000th hit, then baseball "conveniently" waiting until this happened to announce his hypocritical positive steroid testing. And he got away with perjury.

MLB suspending All-Star pitcher Kenny Rogers for 20 games after the All-Star game for a cameramen incident that took place off the field, effectively destroying the Ranger's playoff chances. And yet, cheaters caught with steroids only served a 10 game suspension.

The Yankees became North Americas first $200 million team. Highest payroll was the Yankees at $208.3 million and the lowest was the Tampa Bay Devil Rays at $29.6 million.

The Cubs, picked by many to win the N.L. Central and by some experts to win the World Series, ended up finishing in 4th place behind the Milwaukee Brewers who had their first non-losing season since 1992! That�s not sad, that is sad!

November 21st: the introduction of a Boston Celtics alternate jersey. It's not kelly green, which is like a first ever, but more of a greyish green with black numbers in white trim. Completely soulless and pointless and made solely for money. But not as bad as the Florida Gators / Virginia Tech Hokies / Miami Hurricanes wearing a football jersey for one game with the right shoulder with a plain orange section. It just.... didn't have a point.

Zero batters charged the mound after a beaning / close pitch inside in MLB.

Sports like indoor volleyball, badminton, pickleball, softball, handball, field hockey, ping pong, Russian Roulette, cribbage continue to get neglected by network television, but they continue to broadcast shit like WNBA, soccer, Nascar, Monday Night Football and celebrity poker.

The Fighting Illini losing to the North Carolina Tar Heels by 5 in the NCAA Championship game.

<| Wednesday December 28th, 2005 |> "There's a race behind every face..."

Another homeland update:

"Euthanasia is legal, psychological disorders are a taboo subject, the military has had to quell a recent insurrection by uninsured revolutionaries, and long arduous trials are held for the most trivial of offences. The military has had to quell a recent insurrection by uninsured revolutionaries, long arduous trials are held for the most trivial of offences, private business has started paving paradises and putting up parking lots, and smoking is banned in public areas. Crime is a major problem. the adult unemployment rate nears 100% as all available jobs have been filled by young children, and college students make ends meet by selling their kidneys."

Why don�t you come live in my country today!

<| Tuesday December 27th, 2005 |> "make the fuckin' bloody recording about the Parliament!"

Woman walks into a crowded holiday office party: "Hi everybody! I got some gonorrhea!" **loud disgruntled background noise ensues **

<| Friday December 30th, 2005 |> "'What are you going to say on television'...? What aren't you going to say!"

Oh no! It�s time for another segment of "Ask Porter".

-o-

Dear Porter,

What makes YOU an "expert", hmmm?!! Oh, you think because you give advice on some fancy-ass blog, that you're QUALIFIED?!! I think you're vastly over-rated! ~disgruntled Dear Abby fan

Dear asshole,

I know I'm just as qualified to give ill-advised answers than any of those in newspapers, if not more so. And I enjoy misleading people with terrible advice. It's fun!

-o-

Dear Porter,

I am a Soccer Mom and are very involved in my young children's soccer activities. While me and the other moms were not keeping score or track of the rules, we were wondering if we should spend another $200 more each on bigger trophies. We don�t know what to do, but we're thinking about doing that!!! ~super soccer mommy

Dear dumbass,

Let me tell you what the most important thing about sports is: winning! It's not about exercise, or teamwork or not taking enhancing drug supplements or good sportsmanship. It's about winning and losing! Separating the winner's from the loser's! Children need to be taught that the spirit of competition is very important, and you need to attach a number or record-stat to everything you do. So don't waste your stupid money on trophies for the little shits, because it's obvious they haven't learned a damned thing under your flawed system. And everybody knows that there's nothing better than winning! And remember: 2nd place is the first loser. And only lose if it somehow benefits you financially.

-o-

Dear Porter
My husband is a very stupid man. For Christmas, he got our son the new "Froblnyerzex" toy, the most advanced state-of-the-art trendy action toy there is. It is also very, very loud. What should I do? Our son plays with it constantly and it's driving me crazy! ~Mrs Ringing Ears

Dear Mrs. Ringing Ears,

Take a hammer to it and say "dad's fat ass sat on it."

-o-

Look Porter,
I have an Excessive Profanity Disorder. I swear too fucking much. My superiors are threatening to shove the stick up my ass and fire me. Fire me...myself...my fucking beautiful self!!! What the fuck. God damn shitheads. I should kick them in the balls! Haven't those idiots ever heard of the
1st Amendment?? I have rights, damn it. You know what, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to march right into that daycare teacher's lounge, tip that fucking coffee maker over, trash the room and tell those cocksuckers the way it's going to be around here!!! ~The Man

Dear The "Man",
Good for you! I don't trust anyone who doesn't curse.

-o-

Dear Porter

My problem is with abbreviations & acronyms. I absolutely can't stand them. I think it makes people look lazy and ignorant. The other day at work in my office, I got a two-page memo from our boss that was nothing but single letters followed by periods. I was like, "what the hell??" He says (which took forever to figure out) that this saves time and ink. Our boss always has used abbreviations like "A.S.A.P." or "t.m.i." and "C.Y.H.M?" in his daily interactions & notes, but now he's substituted all of his documents and spoken words with acronyms/abbreviations! It's really getting out of hand! This is taking a lot of my time!! ~spell it out!

Dear Spell It Out,

Wow, what a fucking idiot! I'd report his illiterate ass to the Better Business Bureau and make sure he gets fired.

-o-

ddeere Protor,,,,,..

I juss smokked a whole buch of crackk!!!!!! ccrck is wack!!!!`!dk haha i kow what u need 2do, ppotter!!! I sez so! ii�lll sdend u sum craak 2!!! worddd!~!! ~numbrr1yankkeesjeterfanz.

Dear Crackhead,

Give hugs, not drugs!

<| Saturday December 31st, 2005 |> "poop your shittiness out!"

There's this video game called "Blitz". Recently it lost its NFL license to use the players, stadiums and logos, because the NFL and the makers had different ideas on how the game should be made. Suffice to say, there's certain guidelines companies have to follow (since most EA Sports games are E-rated).

So what exactly is "Blitz"? It's a 8-on-8 football game with great graphics and sound of made-up teams and players. But it also has taunting, profanity, blood splattering, x-ray close-ups of bones snapping / tendons tearing, players taking steroids and performance enhancers, coaches sending hookers to the opponent the night before the game so they're "too tired to play the next day", and of course, the most important thing: dangerous late hits.

Of course, it also has the announcing team, tasks to earn points and upgrade your player's attributes, change team cities, logos and uniform colors. Some people say it's more realistic than Madden because the shadiness of the NFL's players, but "people shouldn't buy this game because it's gory and it doesn't have the players that fans are sooooooo attached to!" But so what. After you play a few seasons in Franchise mode, about half of the players in the league are gone / made-up computer players. But this is an unprecedented concept in video games and this is only the first version of this concept, and will only improve during the incoming years.

lol a quote to summarize the game: "And the injuries and recovery times need a little more editing. Recovering from a fractured wrist in three plays? I don't care how much juice your on, that's just stupid."

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