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| ^ Sunday February 20th 2005 v Stupid Male Hormones (You Have No Sympathy Medley) Well it's Sunday and there's some stupid hillbilly redneck nascar thing or something. You want to tell me why in the hell nascar is so god damn popular? It's boring enough to watch a car drive in circles 10 times let alone 500 times. Speaking of sports, yesterday the media cruelly reported that the NHL had struck a "deal" to resume the season, only to see after 6 1/2 hours of talking, the season was finally put to death for sure while kicking the groin of every NHL fan out there. Haha man, is that cruel! Some business people are predicting this is the end of the NHL, while I say "everything will be back and peachy by next season with some half-ass agreement, which will lead to this whole mess starting all over again in 6 years." And speaking of baseball, here's what a former teammate of Jose Canseco selling all of his baseball awards & memorabilia for tens of thousands of dollars, said: "He did that because he never really liked the game." Alrighty, so he's in it for the money and fame. Glad I didn't buy that book. -o- SNL last night with Hilary Swank pretty much blew, and at times she really looks like a man. The only sketch I liked was the "Hot Plates" one, where 4 people dining were served with extremely hot plates and were not to touch them. And (looking back on the tape) did anyone else see Seth Meyers say, "didn't you just see what happened to Lewis, oh, god damn these plates!!" ? That's another quarter in the swear jar. The worst sketch was "After the Grammys" where all Armisen & Rudolph did was sing extremely off-key, and perhaps the most embarrassing moment for a host yet: Hilary Swank (in a purple dress) runs back into the scene and goes... "uh oh! I hear it! I hear it! ..you um, um,.." **Hilary turns the other way to read the cue cards extremely fast for 5 seconds; head moves after reading each line**.... "....what.. ...what's that racket! it made my biscuits fall! C'mon Jack let's get out of here!" **runs out of room again** (more bad singing & scene quickly ends). While it may had only been 5 seconds, it felt like 20 'cause it's live TV, and it shows that SNL needs to stop trying to put together a 90-minute show in 4 days from scratch. You could literally hear the life being sucked out from the dead silence of like "uh oh.... she's lost! She doesn't know her line!!" Swank wasn't even looking at the camera or even the characters she was talking to. To describe where the characters where standing, Armisen & Rudolph were at 3 o'clock, and Swank was 8 o'clock. I'm getting a little sick and tired of hosts just going up there, looking to the side and direct cue card reading, or just reading the cue card, and then memorizing 10 seconds worth of scene and go right back to doing it. Christopher Walken, you set a dangerous precedence. |
| ^ Sunday February 6th 2005 v "It's Shitty-Super Bowl Sunday!" I tried the new Arby's fish sandwich. It was alright, complete with tomato, lettuce and tartar sauce on a sesame bun & 2 fish sandwiches for $4 was a good deal. It's actually better than Burger King's fish sandwich ($1.91), but not when it'll be $3.19 after this deal is up. And of course, the fish pattie was big and did completely cover the bun & some (tho nowhere as huge or thick like in the commercials) and was nothing unique & was just another typical generic warehouse product. Also McDeth has a double fish sandwich deal for like $2.39. So disgusting. I nearly throw up every time I see the commercial (another reason why we should ban (at least) food images in TV commercials). I get ill just thinking how I used to eat 2 of those at a time. And why in the hell do you need cheese on fish?? Just so you know, McDeth uses carp meat for its fish sandwiches. It seems there's not only a fish sandwich price war going on right now, but a chicken one as well. Popeyes has all of their chicken strips (milk, spicy and naked) Mardi Gras deal; 8 for only $3.99, and KFC has some kind of confusing deal on their chicken but there's so many numbers moving around in the commercial, they confused this customer. The advertising committee should be ashamed of themselves. Piss...poor. |
| ^ Tuesday February 1st 2005 v "driving that train, high on propane." Well, it looks like the 4th season of "American Idol" has started again. I don't recall being asked if I wanted this show back on again!! But, same old, same old. "oh, look at me, I'm Simon Cowell, and I'm a surly, impotent British man! Oh look, I made a new angry face, so let's do another season of American Idol." |
| ^ Wednesday February 2nd 2005 v "Damn, Fat Abbott, you need to looooose weight!" Happy Groundhogs Day! Yes, it's that time of year again, and it's the only noteworthy holiday in this month. Also, it's time to design a new look for this blog once again, and I'm trying to think of some ideas, like putting in entry bookmarks for each column so people don't have to scroll down to see what I want to point out to them. And expanding the Writings page with some of the past columns with stories. Design-wise, there isn't too much I can work with, since I can't use Flash and I refuse to do any HTML bullshit. Plus this column's message board company went extinct so there's no place to leave feedback without having an ugly "guest book" icon on the page. I'm thinking of making some animated icons and using tags. But for now, that's all for today, and a here's a preview of an upcoming column: "Chocolate is over-rated." |
| ^ Thursday February 3rd 2005 v "you're so old and slow!" one thing i will never understand, is why so many people hate seafood, but pork remains extremely popular. Seafood is so much healthier, and comes in many forms: lobster, crab legs, trout, haddock, walleye, cod, salmon, shrimp, clams to name a few. There's nothing better than a meaty breaded walleye served with french fries and tartar sauce. And yet, the "other white meat" which often dry or extremely salty: pork chops, ham, bacon. I mean, come on. Bacon is so over-rated. It's nothing more than a greasy piece of fat. And ham seems to be appreciated in very large numbers, but I've still never had a ham that was different or good tasting. Maybe because it so tough and chewy. Maybe it just plain-ass sucks! |
| ^ Friday February 4th 2005 v "deslinate and a round of poop!" "The Antique Road Roughhouse" Expert: "And what we have here, is a genuine, hand-embroidered WWII logo silk blue and white flag which is highly collectable. You want to tell me the story of how you got this flag?" old man: Yes, well...my dad >>fast forward>> Expert: "Now, you have any how much this extremely rare and great conditioned this flag is worth? Anywhere between $20,000 to $40,000." old man: Oh, oh wow, I had no idea! Expert: (concerned) "Now, tho, I'd recommend taking this in and having it professionally protected & stored, because it is s tarting to fall apart and there seems to be a lot of stains on it." old man: Oh, oh really! Well, I guess we're going to have to get a new dinner table cloth! Expert: "You stupid, dumb motherfucker." END |
| ^ Saturday February 5th 2005 v "Cheese is just another word for love." "Get this fucking game over with!!" That's something you heard from me in the past 2 weeks. For me, once the over-rated & inflated Super Bowl finally gets over with, baseball is right around the corner, but it's all of the media attention of the Super Bowl that makes me sick. The Super Bowl is a huge media farce which almost never lives up to its hype and potential. I can't believe so many companies take this game so seriously and how so many millions of dollars are spent on it in advertising. The only things people remember from the Super Bowl is the fuck-ups (Janet Jackson at halftime, the Buffalo Bills blowing it 4 straight times) more than any great moment in recent history. I bet if you ask most people, they can't remember the teams in the past two Super Bowls (Pats, Panthers; Bucs, Raiders) or who won those games. Who cares about the Super Bowl, other than the fans of teams in it? The game has become some kind of event to showcase the strongest TV commercials a sponsor has to offer. And what's the worst thing that slows down a football game more than anything? That's right...TV time-outs & their commercials. Most of the time, the Conference Championship games are much better than the Super Bowl. It seems like there's always a lopsided favorite in the Super Bowl (in this year's case, the Patriots. The Eagles just have no chance at all (and good)). The NFL's short schedule is also a fault...too many unworthy teams show up in a big game with not enough experience to prove they're actually as good as their short seasoned record indicates. The fewer the games, the greater the chance for an upset. Yeah, every precious game means everything, but so what. "Can this game SUCK any more??" |
| ^ Monday February 7th 2005 v "Shitty-Super Bowl Sunday is over!" Well my final score prediction was way off; as well as my early score prediction, but the Patriots won and that is what matters. Sloppy game at times but the Patriots prevailed. And for you Philly fans? Karma, karma, karma. Go suck on a cheesesteak, losers. Taken down a notch. And McNabb can come home crying to his big fat stupid mama with Chunky soup tears in his eyes. Boo fucking hoo! And fuck you, you obnoxious Eagles fans. I laugh at you. You cocky motherfuckers. Take turns running your loser blockheads into a brick wall. -o- On another note, the Simpsons after the Super Bowl was truly awful. The new show "American Dad" wasn't funny at all, and it seemed like the longest 30 minute cartoon I have ever seen. Hopefully Seth MacFarlane will have the smarts to shelve this show, but after what Fox did to his Family Guy, I wouldn't mind seeing him milk the Network for what its worth & make as much money off of this show as possible. But it's TV, so who cares. |
| ^ Tuesday February 8th 2005 v "sometimes we have Nyquil for dinner." Ah, so clean. Nothing like cleaning two months worth of dust and crumbs & throwing away a years' worth of junk. Hopefully my sneezing will finally start rescinding from my usual 7 to 12 a day, but so far it's down to 4 a day. A small victory, nonetheless. Well I'm still trying to find ideas to name this damn blog. So far a few have come to mind: Canned Rage. It'd have a picture of a Campbell's soup can with "Rage" on it. But the whole idea of it defeats the meaning (the written word proves the rage is no longer canned). Blog glob. Alright, I'll admit I just came up with that one. Here.s some more ideas: Glob blog. Mystery Shit. Psychobabble. Tree. Cheese Goo. I need some ideas!! |
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| Cheese Tree. It combines my favorite food and my high school nickname, and it sports a color scheme combo of green and yellow. Problem? That logo is perfect....yellow for the cheese....green for the tree....and it hangs around like a tree. But it belongs to the Minnesota Twins, the hated rival of the White Sox. And that.s a problem. |
| ^ Wednesday February 9th 2005 v "chuck and dunk." Well you asked for it, so here it is! The * official * soundtrack of my NBA Live 2001 PC basketball game!! 1. Ramblin' Man - Allman Brothers Band 2. House Of The Risin Sun - The Animals 3. Chicago Bulls theme 4. Whip It - Devo 5. Cold As Ice - Foreigner 6. Sweet Georgia Brown - Harlem Globetrotters theme 7. Mississippi Queen - Mountain 8. I put a spell on you - Screamin' Jay Hawkins 9. Constipation Blues - Screamin' Jay Hawkins 10. Dirty Work - Steely Dan 11. Werewolf In London - Warren Zevon 12. Simon & Simon tv theme 13. Rock 'N' Roll Damnation - AC/DC 14. Toys in the Attic - Aerosmith 15. Sweat Leaf - Black Sabbath 16. Paperback Writer - The Beatles 17. Shake It Up - Cars 18. White Room - Cream 19. Cocaine - Eric Clapton 20. Under My Wheels - Alice Cooper 21. Right Place Wrong Time - Dr John 22. Space Truckin' - Deep Purple 23. Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar) -The Doors 24. Spanish Caravan - The Doors 25. Waiting For The Sun (This is the strangest life I've ever known) - The Doors 26. Five to One (live in Miami 1969 - You're all a bunch of fucking slaves!) - The Doors 27. The Man in Me (The Big Lebowski theme) - Bob Dylan 28. Casey Jones - Grateful Dead 29. Hey Joe - Jimi Hendrix 30. All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix 31. My Life - Billy Joel 32. Custard Pie - Led Zeppelin 33. Fool in the Rain - Led Zeppelin 34. Carouselambra - Led Zeppelin 35. Instant Karma - John Lennon 36. Give Me Some Truth - John Lennon 37. Oh Yoko! - John Lennon 38. Stranglehold - Ted Nugent 39. King Of Pain - The Police 40. Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue - The Ramones 41. Surfin' Bird (Bird is a word) - The Ramones 42. Sway - The Rolling Stones 43. Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel 44. Found A Job - Talking Heads 45. Aqualung - Jethro Tull 46. Heroin - The Velvet Underground 47. Take a Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed 48. Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oster Cult 49. Pictures of Lily - The Who 50. No More Mr. Nice Guy - Alice Cooper 51. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones **BONUS TRACKS** 1. Suicide Solution - Ozzy Osbourne 2. Sweet Jane - Velvet Undergound 3. Do You think It's Alright (To leave the boy with Uncle Ernie) -The Who 4. Anarchy in the UK - Sex Pistols 5. Fat Fuck (You're such a fat fuck, Cartmen) - South Park 6. So lonely - The Police 7. The Kids Are Alright - The Who 8. Truckdrivin Neighbors Downstairs (Yellow Sweat) - Beck 9. Barney Miller tv theme 10. Freebird (full version) - Lynard Skynard 11. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (full 17 minute version) - Iron Butterfly 12. Jew - South Park 13. We're An American Band - Grand Funk Railroad 14. Let The Good Times Roll - Cars 15. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC 16. Ride Captain Ride - Blues Image 17. Immigration Song - Led Zeppelin 18. I Put a Spell on You - Creedence Clearwater Revival 19. Hey Bulldog - The Beatles |
| ^ Thursday February 10th 2005 v "and THIS Who song reminds me of beer!" There's been some conflicting reports of why McNabb faltered in such incredible fashion during the Super Bowl. Some say he was sick, tho he says he was just "tired". Well! (mockingly) "Oooooooooh the poor little baby had an upset tummy and was nauseous & couldn't stop throwing up and couldn't play his precious game!" This isn't the first time McNabb felt sick during a big football game. I recall watching on TV a few years ago while McNabb was awaiting for the snap and he threw up right thru his facemask. Face it. The guy has nerves in his stomach. He's already lost 3 NFC championship games and lost a Super Bowl which apparently was very winnable. He is never going to win the Super Bowl. |
| ^ Friday February 11th 2005 v "Now there's 'Bag Hutch'! Which holds up to 12 bags!" There will be no column today because some wild, stray dog ran into the room and chewed on all of the computer wires until it got a shock. |
| ^ Saturday February 12th 2005 v "yeah, I crashed the van 'cause I learned how to drive by watching you!" Well today I spent my day designing possible wordmarks & logos for a possible name change for this site. While there was some good ideas, I'm still not completely satisfied with the results and I'm still not sure if I'm going to go with the name "Cheese tree" as one or two words. Speaking of food, I found out the news that BK's regular fish sandwich (aforementioned in a previous column) has now been deleted from their menu since the "Big Fish" has taken over. So pretty much all BK did, was replace the fish pattie with a piece that's slightly thicker and bigger; switched the bun from to a corn-meal topped bun and added a dash of some kind of sauce (which I can't even taste) along with tartar sauce and lettuce, for only a $1.80 price increase (bringing the grand total to $3.70.) Apparently the trend in fast food is no longer offering cheaper .99 cent products or trying to offer healthier food, but to make sandwiches bigger and much more expensive, as in to trick us into thinking that "since it costs more, it must be a better quality product & thus is better for us." Jason Bateman is supposed to host SNL tonight, which willl be the first decent, real-actor host in a long time, let alone a male host. And I can't even remember the last time someone from a Fox show actually hosted SNL. The only ones that come to mind Martin Lawrence (deemed one of the worst SNL's ever & is heavily edited in syndication; if not deleted) and Ed O'Neill from "Married in Children" which was in like 1989. Considering how bad the show has been this year, this will probably be a good one. |
| ^ Sunday February 13th 2005 v "...girl, we couldn't get much better. C'mon baby, light the fire.." SNL was by far the best of the season, and Jason Bateman was actually well-rehearsed and didn't look at the cue cards much at all, unlike most of the hosts. The best sketch was "Monkey's throwing poop at celebrities" where Bateman played this talk show host, and Will Forte & a monkey stood to the side with a bowl of poop in hand; and Darrell Hammond came out doing his Sean Connery character. Of course, there was a theme song & some other bits in the sketch too. A good host does wonders for a show. But again, Weekend Update blew because of the recycled news we all heard during the past two weeks and the Tina Fey / Amy Poehler "Girls are great!" genre & the segment relies too much on other cast members making numerous cameos & jokes which are supposed to end up as "cute" instead of as "funny." |
| ^ Monday February 14th 2005 v "and THIS Led Zeppelin song reminds me of a computer!" Btw, the world is coming to an end. Apparently "King of Queens" fatass tard Kevin James' new movie with Will Smith finished #1 in the box office this weekend, proving once again that people will see any piece of shit someone churns out like a flock of sheep. As if "King of Queens" wasn't bad enough, this is only going to build confidence in Kevin James to make more movies where he plays a dumbass fat guy (as himself). At least when his buddy Ray Romano (who we can all blame for KoQ) made a movie, it bombed like a motherfucker & he had the sense not to do that again. Also, that "thing" is happening again. Everyone is complaining about the weather. I don't ever remember it being this bad. It's where its frigid cold and windy, then it gets warm & thaws everything out (thus leaving a murky feeling in the air & tends to make allergies / sickness appear) for a week, then it gets back down to being frigid again. Then some snow will come along, or days and days of rain where the whole building will smell like eggs. And it doesn't help that we see 50 to 60 degree temperature changes within 24 to 36 hours. It's hard on the body and you can tell it isn't an easy adjustment. Maybe I'm just being a big baby about it & am not as tough as I used to be about it, but enough is enough. Let's get to warmer, consistent temps. |
| ^ Tuesday February 15th 2005 v "I leanred how to mispel from the inturnet." Top 5 Favorite Simpsons Episodes: (in no particular order) 161. Hurricane Neddy - Season 8. The episode where a hurricane hits Springfield and destroys only the Flanders house & Ned ends up back in the nuthouse. "We've tried nothing, Doc, and we're all out of ideas!" 60. Kamp Krusty - Season 4. Bart tries to change his crappy grades but still gets to go to Kamp Krusty for the summer, which turns out to a real shitdump. 72. Selma's Choice - Season 4. The whole family is supposed to go to Duff Gardens, but Homer becomes ill from eating "the sandwich." Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. Selma: Her legend will live forever. Homer: (thinking to himself) "Yeah, the legend of the dogfaced woman!" Homer: (now pounding steering wheel & laughing hysterically)(spoken) "Legend of the dogfaced woman! Oh, that's good!!" 135. King-Size Homer - Season 7. Homer gains weight to go on disability. "I'm surprised that dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas." 176. Homer's Enemy - Season 8. two words: Frank Grimes. |
| ^ Wednesday February 16th 2005 v "soap on a rope." "did steroids save baseball?" Part I. Ahhhhhhhhhhh yes, it's my favorite topic to discuss in sports: steroids! In light of convicted felon Jose Canseco's new book where he says he took a shit load of steroids and names baseball players who he introduced steroids to & others who probably use. This topic is being debated a lot but here's the list in general: Canseco has almost no credibility in most people's eyes, despite been a superstar ballplayer and played with most of the guys he accuses. Whether Canseco is right or not; it states what we're all thinking: there's some baseball players using steroids. Canseco's intentions are unknown, whether the purpose of the book is to clean up baseball because he loves it; or is jealous of other ballplayers passing him on the record's list; or is out to make a quick buck. It's probably a combination of all three in varying degrees. Everyone accused is denying it and those in MLB say this is something baseball shouldn't be talking about (most likely because they're covering for someone & there's almost no proof to back up any claims). If you're a player who used steroids and got away with it, why would you admit to any use at all? No, you wouldn't. Most players will take it to their cheating graves. Within MLB, there was no testing prior to 2002, so any admitted steroid use & awards won (in this case, the 2000 A.L. MVP award to Jason Giambi) can't be taken away from him because "it wasn't illegal back then". But of course, unless a doctor prescribes it, steroids are illegal to use & the players broke the law. So what do you think? The baseball stats & the yearly pictures are there to judge. |
| ^ Thursday February 17th 2005 v "and now, for my next trick....**puuuuuuuuuuuke!** "did steroids save baseball?" Part II. Canseco's book is selling well. And I find it funny that Giambi apologized to everyone during a bizarre media conference but wouldn't say "why" he was apologizing. Dan Patrick on the radio said, "We all want to eat the hot dog, not see how it's made." This in light of how the "glorious" homerun saved baseball after its 1994/1995 strike. The game was suffering after the cancellation of the World Series. So MLB decided to cook up a scheme to market something that the average fan would find entertaining: the homerun. And with a system with no drug testing whatsoever, and that there was 4 expansion teams within 5 years to really dilute pitching (this means over 160 baseball players who would otherwise be in the minor leagues / retired were now playing in MLB) and half of those being pitchers, it was a golden age for hitters. Plus there is the proven fact that the baseball was made differently (the seams were made a lot lower to decrease wind resistance) and the ball was wound up tighter. The result was a record number of homeruns being hit, and it was a huge jump overall. As we look back in baseball of 1998, it was the stupid "McGwire & Sosa Homerun Chase" that recaptured the spirit of baseball to fans. We know now that McGwire was on Andro which is now illegal and Sosa was at least a cheater and a hack. The whole thing makes me sick. It set a precedence of this "chicks dig the long ball" which is a bullshit baseball strategy. They're both cheaters, their image is tarnished and their records should have an asterisk. There's a LOT of records that need asterisks now. And McGwire's name is going to be coming up on the HOF ballot soon, and it's going to be very interesting to see if he gets in or not (tho the trend lately has been players that were great get in either the 1st or 2nd try). I have no idea where baseball would be today if that never happened in 1998. I'm sure a homerun chase to 61 (which then became 70, then which became 73) would have happened somewhere else in a few years, and they would be behind all of the steroid-testing policies they have now. But now we're seeing the after-math of all of this: homeruns have declined by a lot, a lot of bad publicity, a lot of fraud exposed and tainted numbers and players shrinking at a shocking rate. |
| ^ Friday February 18th 2005 v "There's too many bald women on TV these days." Well the NHL has canceled its season.....if anyone cares. Unfortunately, there's been rumors that they're still trying to get a deal done and un-cancel the season. Now come on. Playing an abbreviated 28-game season (from 80) and still having 16 playoff teams is bullshit. The financial situation is like this: Over 75% of total league revenues went to player salary No salary cap & escalating salaries Piss-poor TV contract meaning tons of reliance on ticket sale money Tickets are too expensive Too much expansion / too many teams It is hockey. Coming together now and getting a deal to save the season is stupid. Having playoffs is pointless and cheapens the Stanley Cup. Just let the season die and end it there. Get a deal in place where players take a huge pay cut (for the good of the sport) and get rid of a few teams and have NFL-style revenue sharing, and you work from there. Anything less is weak bullshit. As a fan, I've found other things to do than follow hockey. This isn't the same hockey town it was 12 years ago. Tho I can imagine in Canada, where hockey is pretty much the only pro-sport they have....are shitting themselves stupid. They'll have to tackle the debate of whether or not to go to games when the NHL comes back. But it being Canada, of course they'll come back. So who's the clear winner hear? It apparently is the owners.... who are actually losing less money by not paying player salaries & not having games played. The next step, of course, is if there is no deal, an impasse will be declared, and the owner's will bring in replacement players. If it gets to that point, the players are really screwed. But, does anyone care? Majority of people don't. Haw-haw! And another thing, this cancellation sets an important precedence to other sports. And of course, my team being shitty as it is, there's no point to them playing a season anyway. So I say, "so long, who cares, suck it and bye-bye!" -o- Interesting fact: For only the second time in 112 years, the Stanley Cup -- the oldest trophy competed for by North American sports teams -- will not be awarded. And both times, the Red Sox were the defending World Series champions. |
| ^ Saturday February 19th 2005 v "look at that man...stroking his extremities." Well of course they won! But it wasn't without some sabotaging. The Illini had no hot water for their hotel rooms or showers (and to put in perspective, the game was at 11am in Iowa, where overnight temps where near 10) and late in the 2nd half, when it was still a 2 or 3 possession game, the Illini shot clock above their basket "mysteriously" stopped working. And of course they didn't notice this until they got past half-court and were approaching the 3-point line. And of course, the Illini had to in-bound from the Iowa baseline, risking a risky-like turnover in-bounds pass. It was a close game, and Iowa went on some nice runs, but in the last few minutes, the Illini pulled away and won by 10. Can anybody say, "National Champions" ? Hahaha, knowing how Illinois sports teams play, the Fighting Illini will lose in the Sweet 16 or the Final 4. |
| ^ Monday February 21st 2005 v "everytime I fall down the stairs... it feels like home again" Well last night was the controversial Simpsons episode where Patty (Marge's celibate subterranean abraded -voiced fat older sister) was to marry a lesbian who was a pro golfer & Springfield legalizes gay marriage. Why? After some TV news personality came to Springfield where he got pranked and tortured by Bart & Milhouse, he gave Springfield his worst rating ever and thus the boycott of Springfield which leads their economy to plummet. So to re-boost their economy, they legalize gay marriage. Next we see this cheesy commercial advertising Springfield and showing a lot of gays kissing and prancing along in town. What happens of course, all goes well until the Church boards up its doors & refuses to marry the gays; despite all of the revenue it would bring in. So this of course leads to Homer taking an online test (consisting of typing only his name) and he becomes a licensed minister. Yada, yada yada, apparently no one else had a problem with gays marrying, until Marge finds out Patty's dyke had pissed in a toilet with the seat up. Then the wedding is about to happen until Marge barks her piece, and we find that Patty's fianc�e is indeed a man, and he only posed as a woman so he could go on the PGA tour. So Patty gets pissed and barks, "I like girls!" and of course, knowing it being the Simpsons, who have been sticking it to Bush & America for years; and its constant touting of alternative and hippie themes and plots; showed everyone had absolutely no problem with anything..... as in like that was the only way we could feel about it. Man, that episode made me want to roll up my sleeves, grab my carpenter tools and tear up some carpet! And the lesson here is, "if you're going to marry a lesbian, check for a penis first." And as someone pointed out, there was a gay episode and there was no sign of Smithers. All and all, the only gag in the show was when Homer made two cracks at Patty, and she burned her cigarette on his left hand, and then again flicking it into his eye. Which we all know who came up with that bit some 9 years ago, now, don't we? You know how I describe the Simpsons? The Simpsons episodes are like a fine piece of china silverware whose finish has wornoff. |
| ^ Tuesday February 22nd 2005 v Menopause - The Musical! Well it's been a day of bad news. I find out that the stupid network Fox has halted production on "Arrested Development's" final 4 episodes and the series is in question of being canceled, which is unbelievable. I mean, the show is on right after the Simpsons, has won a shitload of awards and Fox wants to take it off the air?? Gee, what's the matter? Not enough stupid young people singing off-key with an impotent British man being snooty in it? **shrugs**. That's why network television pisses me off. Next I find out that the Arby's fish sandwich is actually a "February only" promotion. Nothing lasts forever anymore, does it? Oh yeah, today Barry Bonds started Spring Training and was his typical arrogant asshole self. Something interesting I read that said Ruth, Williams, Aaron, Musial, Cobb, Gehrig, Mays, etc; the numbers they put up in their prime, were in comparison, pale to what Bonds has done in the twilight of his career. Now let's see... we know he's "accidentally" used steroids, had a mistress, suddenly ballooned up into a vein-popping specimen in his mid 30s, and that he and his father have / had a personal vendetta towards MLB. And he says we have no right to ask question his "natural ability"??? What a fucking cocky piece of shit. If I ever see him, I will relentlessly boo "Cheater!! Steroid user!! Asshole!! Boooooo!!!" But at least some good yang leftover from the bloated side of yin. Farting around with my winamp player last night, I was tinkering with the equalizer options, and apparently my plug-in DSP/Effect Enhancer has been making my music, particularly the drums & cymbals... sound tinny like foil paper. Once I restored the default equalizer, I was like 'WOW'. Everything comes in so much clearer and stronger now, especially the guitars, piano and drums. Strange fact of the day: I love cheese and chicken, but somehow I don't like them together at all. |
| ^ Friday February 25th 2005 v "Inferior Ambulance Co." Oh yeah, I seriously recommend getting the Quizno's Steakhouse Beef Dip sub for $2.99. It is extremely tasty and it comes with this awesome Au Jus. And it's the everyday price, too. Reading the Tribune's "Other Views" section where readers send in their comments. The past week the Tribune has been obscene in their Cubs reporting, offering pages and pages of pointless filler articles about the Cubs, while the White Sox barely even get a corner section. The following is a letter sent in which sounds like it could had been written by me. Enjoy. "The loveable losers. Thanks to Rick Morrissey for illustrating why White Sox fans hold Cubs fan in such contempt (Tribune, Feb. 16). His column described a 28-year old Cubs fan's** admitted reaction to the Sammy Sosa trade which included "Crying like a baby for 45 minutes," and all the associated star-worshipping rhetoric too sickening to repeat. The absurdity of such drama-queen antics that perpetuate the lovable loser image, from Sam Sianis' goat in 1945, to the black cat in 1969 to the Bartman ball in 2003, are the core of why Sox fans feel the way they do. Blaming animals and fans for losing, then hyping it with baseball exploding ceremonies to remove curses doesn't fly on the South Side. ~B.G." ** Btw, the photo from this article showed a 28 year old four-eyed nerd-looking guy in a goatee & shaggy black unkempt hair wearing a Cubs hat sitting on the couch covered in other Cubs memorabilia (including authentic Sosa & Wood jerseys, t-shirts, fake jerseys) from Minnesota who looked like a 10 year old hanging out in his bedroom (wearing blue, red and white sneakers, no less), while his stupid lil infantile brat (also wearing crappy Cubs clothes) was collecting dust off the floor by this guy's feet. If I was a Cubs fan, I'd be embarrassed to see a fellow fan looking like that. It was truly pathetic. It was literally like Oprah laying on a bed covered in ham & chocolate. Also, recently (from the TV News) Harry Caray's restaurant took the remains of the Bartman ball, and decided to cook it and put it in some pasta sauce as a promotion so fans could "literally eat the curse". Of course the Health Department declared this wasn't sanitary, so the restaurant decided to cook the remains in what looked like drug paraphernalia to collect the steam and inject it into the pasta sauce. Incredibly stupid. Also, the long time display in the restaurant has removed its "1998 Sosa & McGwire jersey display" due to complaints of Sosa and replaced it with a Hank Aaron jersey. |
| ^ Wednesday February 23rd 2005 v "Karson's Komedy Klassics." As part as filler material, here's my idea for King of the Hill episodes. Ha! Hmmm... Maybe if they finally do the episode where Dale finds out about Nancy's affair... Maybe since Bobby is just as slow as Dale & Peggy, maybe in a Bobby-dream sequence, Bobby dreams about what his everyday life would be like if Joseph was actually of Dale's gene's. For some reason I think the potential for a true "Dale Jr." would be hilarious (a true chip off the old block, tho) and then Bobby wakes up from this like, 15 minute dream, realizes from the dream how different the real Joseph looks compared to "Dale Jr. Joseph"... then puts together who Joseph's real father is and asks Nancy / tells Dale once and for all. I don't know what kind of reaction Dale should get, other than the obvious freak-out. Or perhaps just make an entire episode composed of dream sequences of mixing up scenarios. For some reason, I could see Bobby being Bill's son... and of course, Bobby would be shorter and much fatter...like.. 4' 6"...280 pounds... and he'd move reeeeeeal slow and his arms would stick out straight & would always be eating fruit pies. Perhaps Dale has a dream that Peggy is his wife (which he seems to be sweet on as it is). A paranoid man & a clueless self-righteous ego-infatuated ugly woman team up to be the stupidest ignorant couple on the planet. Or maybe Boomhauer dreams of having Nancy as a wife and she talks just like he does on her TV weather job. (it'd be a short dream sequence) I dunno if this has already been done... I've missed a lot of newer episodes because of stupid football. END |
| ^ Thursday February 24th 2005 v "it's better to be safe than fat." Randomness: On Barry Bonds: I'm just disgusted with his arrogance and his being in general. It just shows more-so of him & his father's vendetta of MLB & the media I don't understand how anyone could be a fan of his. Cheater's cheat and the cheater got caught. It's going to be very interesting to see when it comes time to elect him to the HOF. I wouldn't vote for him. -o- Hank Hill: "god damn it, Bobby. (shakes head) god damn it, indeed." Luanne: (looking at the dog) "Shut up, Ladybirrrrrrrd!" Hank Hill: "You don't tell my dog to 'shut up', god damn you!" Luanne: (like an airhead) "Shut up, Uncle Hannnnnk!" Hank Hill: (now pissed & waving fist in air) "That's IT. I'm kicking your ass!" -o- Tonight the Bulls beat the best team in the East 105-101 in OT. So what's the secret to the Bulls winning that game against the Heat? 2 minutes into the 1st quarter, Shaq was under the hoop and he fell down like a bag of rocks & sprained his knee. He left the game. Too much caramel, I guess! |
| ^ Saturday February 26th 2005 v "where's your happy faaaaaaaaaace?!" Wow....lacrosse on NBC! I've never actually seen it being played! Let's see..... Four 15 minute quarters like football 0:30 second shot clock to get the ball to the goalie no offsides (unlike in hockey, to advance past the blue line, the first guy must have the puck) players can run the length of the court with the ball in their .....stick. Played in a hockey arena but with green Astroturf. Players are dressed like hockey players but there's shoes & no shin guards There's physical contact / crashing into the boards Opposing players can't go into goalie crease Players can bounce the ball or loft it to another player 6-on-6 Penalties / 2:00 minute powerplays just like hockey. Basketball-like screens good for setting up scoring. Cross-checking is legal. Passing the ball can length net to net....some shot speeds (whipping the ball from the stick) can go as high as 99 mph. Players can not touch the ball with their hands. Uniforms remind me of those ugly, horrible NHL 3rd jerseys (large graphics; gradients, weird numbers). Scoring seems to consistently be players running right up to the crease and whipping it over-hand as hard as they can. Bounce-shots don't seem to be accurate. I could do without the ugly advertisements on the field (they're in rectangle boxes scattered all over the field) and the cheerleaders. This game has what hockey needs: fast break-aways. The goalie can loft the ball 3/4rds across the field and bring up a fast 1-on-1 scoring opportunity. Like in Arena Football, most players have other full-time jobs (teachers, cops, firemen, etc). Score: 4-1 West end of 1st quarter 6-5 East end of 2nd quarter 9-7 West end of 3rd quarter 10-10 end of 4th quarter 11-10 East - Final - OT Apparently, this is considered a low-scoring game. And since it's the All-Star game, it'll be as good as it'll ever get. This is what I've gathered after watching my 1st game ever. Let's see.... the league is called the NLL. There's 10 teams. 16 game season. 6 playoff teams. No team in Chicago. Most games are played either Friday or Saturday night. Season goes from early January to mid April. It'd be a nice sports filler if it was around. And hey, it's better than Arena football, right? And it's sure as hell better than Women's Basketball, which inexplicably Chicago is getting a WNBA team. Why?? (I later found out that this was the first ever National broadcast of lacrosse.) |
| ^ Sunday February 27th 2005 v Crazy mother: "I don't remember anything bad I ever said." A poem on dial-up internet. "The Dial-Up Whine " By Dolph Rudager C'mon onnnnn! oh website, don't use flash! it takes forever to looooooad! *whinnnnnnnne!* color-reduce your graphics! it takes 10 minutes to load don't assume we all have fast internet *whinnnnnnnne* Flash! is the biggest fiend of them all! Flash! this isn't fair punch the wall kick the ball watch the face fall. gonna read a book gonna take a nap gonna plant a tree gonna take a jog gonna take a shower the download will be done, maybe? c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon faster! c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon bastard! why is it taking so lonnnnnng? what did i ever do to deserve this? why won't the page load? I'm in Hell. c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon......... END |
| ^ Monday February 28th 2005 v "Why don't you go fuck yourself in the ass??" Ah, it's the 28th and we say "goodbye" to the last day of the shortest month, "February". February is probably the crappiest month of the year. It's like an extra extension of Winter hangs around like a nagging cough; and it's too soon for it to start getting warmer. Plus it's probably the most misspelled month, next after September. Someone want to tell me why there's an R before the U in "February"? I don't really see why it's necessary. And of course, it's also the month where the least amount of income is made. And of course, there's no February 29th. A little trick I use to remember Leap Years is it's always on a Presidential Election year. And back in my day, Washington & Lincoln's birthdays were two separate Holidays. We didn't have this bullshit of "President's Day". I guess some asshole didn't like the idea of having two off-days in February. And of course, even the sound of "February" sounds ugly and overdone; since we had 31 previous days of "-uary" already. I'd rather we call February "Smarch". We'd all mutter, "lousy Smarch weather!" So then, we say "goodbye" to this shitty month and say "hello" to a new month. |
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