July 2008 - Untitled Daily Column Project

Your daily dose of the absurd.

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> Tuesday July 8th 2008 < "The sign said, 'Don't read the sign.'"

Last week on Hell's Kitchen Petrozza won the Challenge. Team Petrozza is Bobby, Ben, Jen. Team Christina is Corey, Louross and Matt. The winner of Hell's Kitchen Season 4 is: Christina??? Fuck!! That's fucking bullshit!!! A fucking 3-year culinary student WINS over a 49 year old with years of experience?? Bullshit! She cried her way to the finals! Terrible. Worst ending to the worst season.

YEAH YOU BETTER FUCKING BURN THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE DOWN!!!! BOOOOOOOO!!!!

> Wednesday July 9th 2008 < "Murderer in jail killed the cannibal star"

Bullshit is what it was. After Petrozza won the personal signature dish of filet mignon with caramelized onion risotto won 3-2 over Christina's New York strip steak with sweet corn succotash. Petrozza picks Bobby first. Christina picks Corey. Petrozza picks Ben. Christina picks Louross. All the drama is on the last two picks: the ever awful Matt and Jen. Why in the hell they brought these turds back, other than drama, I'll never know. Both are on sabotage missions. Matt is deeply resentful as well as Jen, who thought she was the best person there. Fucking Jen still says she's the strongest chef there. Christina fills Matt's head with lies to win his respect, and the little bitch is bragging about it.

And that bitch Jen during prepping, Jen has the gall to ask Chef Ramsay for a letter of recommendation. Now everybody officially hates her. Chef Ramsay just completely blew her off. I feel sorry for every future employer and co-workers of Jen. I really do. "Jen is being a bitch, and is pouting, and doing the same old song and dance we all know her for". The chefs have prepared 3 appetizers, 3 entrees and 3 deserts each. Christina appetizer: beef sliders trio. Entree: New York strip steak with succoltash. Desert: Tropical sundae. Chef Ramsay is criticizing Christina's burger trio, saying it should had been one beef, one tuna, one chicken. She totally softballed that one. Oh the little bitch doesn't like to make things that overly complicated! And she wants to be an executive chef!

Petrozza's appetizer is Lobster strudel. Entree: Filet mignon with risotto & onion ring. Desert: Vanilla souffle with whiskey creme anglaise. "Highly imaginative food" of Petrozza's menu, calls Christina's menu "plain Jane". Man, Christina's restaurant looks all fairish and contemporary and "very L.A.". You can tell a woman designed it. Petrozza's is warm, rustic, nice, elegant with brick, dark colors, very Northeastern look.

Now it's dinner service. 3 hours. Christina cannot yell worth a shit. No convection whatsoever. Petrozza has good quality control, making everybody touch it, taste it to make sure it's hot. Christina's kitchen is backed up now. Matt looks like a degenerate on making salad. Oh shit, Petrozza ran out of cheese for the salad. Hmmm...that looks like a total inside job. And now they're out of Lobster strudel, but Petrozza decides for Bobby to make more risotto to make up.

Now on to entrees. And now Christina's food is getting sent back! Tons of food jsut setting there, and now Matt has started a fire! That fat fuck. Petrozza seems a little slow. Oh no! Raw fish from Matt! Oh dear! "Shut up, already", says Matt chef Ramsay. Now Chef Ramsay is mad at Christina because he isn't going to stand for that! Matt: "Shut the fuck up, you ain't stealing my thunder." What thunder?!?! Now Chef Ramsay is pressuring Christina to kick Matt out of the kitchen, but she won't do that because she wants to win but knows he wouldn't if she did. Matt: "Shut up" to Ramsay. Chef Ramsay: "Hey you fuck face!" And now Jen fucks up an onion ring! A simple single onion ring! Petrozza to camera: "Onion rings! Onion rings! Come onnnnnnnnnnnnn!!" Jen: "Here you onion ring!"

Christina has only served 8 tables, Petrozza 10 of 13 tables. More raw fish from Matt! Matt: "Shut your fucking mouth and let me cook!" to Ramsay. Once again Chef Ramsay is yelling at Christina to kick Matt out. And she just gives him more orders! 2 hours into the service, Christina's kitchen is at a stand still. Neck and neck my ass. And service has been completed. And more talk about the $250,000 executive position in Ramsay's West Hollywood restaurant. So to sum up, it looks like it's Petrozza's. Winner is determined by comment cards and Ramsay's witness. Which of course, we never find out what those comment cards said. Now the two are standing behind the door, and the one who opens is the winner. In retrospect, according to Petrozza interviews:

"Oh, this freaks everybody out. You want to know something crazy? There was a malfunction [and my door opened too]. Crazy, right? But, it wasn't like it was this horrible thing. It actually worked out perfect. Ramsay saw it was happening and he goes, "Petrozza," and he grabs me and he pulled me towards him and kinda hugged me and held me at the same time. And I realized that my door shouldn't have opened. And he said, "It's ok, Petrozza. It's alright, man." I said, "I'm ok, I'm ok." Ya know? And I understood what happened. It took me a few seconds to understand what was happening and I was a little confused as you can understand. But when her door opened and she went downstairs and then Ramsay and I went downstairs, I felt relieved that it was done. I felt that I had made some good friends and I was very successful at what I attempted. It was all good."

That stupid bitch Christina won Hell's Kitchen. Looking at my recaps, she lied, cried her way from being eliminated multiple times, she was put up for nomination 5 times as to (Louis) Petrozza's once, and when on a losing team, Petrozza was Best Of The Worst twice as opposed to Christina's once. Christina also was the one who burned Chef Ramsay's hand not once, but twice in the same service. The pans she was bringing up to the front to use, both times the handles were exposed to direct flames. She should had been kicked off that night. Hell's Kitchen fans are mostly pissed, accusations of ageism are rampant, and Ramsay cites "she has the most potential". Tho I've read that apparently he didn't give her the $250,000 executive position in his Los Angeles restaurant, but merely employed her there to work up position by position. A 25 year old culinary student has no business running a 5-star restaurant.

Christina looked so phony when she was trying to show her leadership skills, her whiny voice lacked any confidence or authority. She's a two-faced liar, and she did a total cop-out by not kicking Matt out of the kitchen and preventing Chef Ramsay from kicking him out. I'm still not convinced Christina had a better final service. She had little control over her kitchen. Petrozza did a better job but Ramsay did his ageism decision. It was a season of very very weak competition, and only would a culinary student actually win it. It should had been a Corey / Petrozza final, at the very least.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN AND BURN THE MOTHERFUCKING PLACE THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Friday July 11th 2008 < "and their ties were as skinny as the cigarettes they smoked!"

Well the voting for the 32nd man ended, and due to a conspiracy by The Boston Dirt Dogs to prevent as many Yankees as possible from playing in the 79th All Star Game in Yankee Stadium's final season, Jermaine Dye finished ahead of Jason Giambi, but 2nd to the Tampa Rays Evan Longoria. Dye still may end up going due to injuries and such, but with 32 man rosters, the All Star Game is a ridiculous farce that means nothing anymore.

What I would do to make it better again, is to shrink the rosters to 25 players, have the game start at 5pm Central Time, take away fan (starting 8 or 9) player (the bench) and manager (pitchers) voting. Then take away this stupid and unfair home field advantage for the World Series (A.L. 5-0). Then I am in the process of coming up with a simple and a fair point system that rewards the best players, but doesn't punish singles hitters, puts more emphasis on quality innings rather than high Win totals, makes sure the properly players get the right position, getting rid of the faulty paper ballot system with outdated info, like Miguel Cabrera is 4th in voting who doesn't play 3rd base anymore and Hank Blalock is 5th in votes and is bad and has been injured most of the season. Since I'm not considering wins or losses for pitchers, I'm still considering a point for closers that puts some emphasis on save totals but not too much. Things like caught stealing, strikeouts, errors and earned runs would be factors of negative points, to make sure dumb-dumbs like Adam "Dumb" Dunn doesn't somehow magically become an All Star. There would also be points for played at a position, so injured players nor past All Star vote getters having awful seasons don't suddenly appear leading in the voting (Ken Griffey Jr). Also, this will prevent countries like Japan stuffing the ballot with players who have a hot early month but struggle very badly of late (Fukudome).

Hopefully a fair system with zero politics is what will make the fans (and the players for that matter) care about the All Star Game, when most consider it a burden, taking away resting off days and a contract negotiation bargaining chip, tho the days of league pride are well gone, thanks to the motherfuckery of Interleague Play. If they can come up with the grand wizardry of some stat called "WHIP" (which I have yet to see any charts or anyone explain to me what's good and what's bad) then I can sure as hell come up with a point system that could be incorporated for something like the All Star Game.

> Thursday July 10th 2008 < "There is no evidence, go home."

This past weekend, MLB teams have been wearing special Stars & Stripes caps, "Authentic cap worn on-field to show support for the Welcome Back Veterans Foundation. A portion of proceeds from all caps sales will go to the Welcome Back Veterans fund.". These caps, are a solid light navy blue, and within the team logo, is the US flag pattern along with a thick 3-D embroidered white outline. The Orioles cap logo was considered too detailed, so they used the batting practice "O's" cap. The Blue Jays caps have the Canadian flag graphics incorporated, which from a distance, the Blue Jays almost look like thems old selves. These caps were to be on the 4th of July, but some teams wore them before and after the fact. The White Sox in addition to their navy caps, wore a brown cap with a dark brown Sox logo on it along with camouflage jerseys and special light brown pants with a narrow black stripe on the sides, which of course the A's promptly kicked their asses.

Paul Lukas of Uni Watch Blog brought the notion to the MLB executives at the revealing press conference of "just how much of the proceeds of these Stars & Stripes caps is going to the fundation?" Especially since they're charging $4 more dollars for these caps, and why MLB wasn't donating all of the funds made, and just looked like another MLB marketing gimmick. And what did MLB say angrily?

"We REJECT fan cynicism".

Just shows you how out of touch the suits are. Odds are, only $4 of those $34.99 caps is probably going to the fund, to make sure MLB doesn't lose a single penny in this revenue generating gimmick. Ooops! I mean charity. Well I REJECT their REJECTION!! And I think the caps look ugly, too.

On Sunday in Wimbledon, in which was considered one of the greatest championship games ever at Wimbledon, # 2 Rafael Nadal defeated #1 Roger Federer 6-4, 6-4, 6-7, 6-7, 9-7 in a match that started at 8am local time and ended at 3:17pm after a series of rain delays and endless deuces. Match took 4:48 hours and nearly was suspended due to darkness. Nadal was so close to blowing it, got to the Championship Point 4 times, and breaking one's serve proved to be extremely difficult.

> Saturday July 12th 2008 < "Viva la steroids!"

"My name is Petrozza, I make really bad pizza!

I mean, I just want to make really bad pizza! The dough is all heavy, there's so little sauce so it's dry and those ketchup packets are so small, the cheese is really awful and not stringy at all.. It's imitation cheese. And for the sausage, I use that really cheap dog food like brand Attaboy, and for the pepperoni I use imitation bacon bits! and for the mushrooms, I just use what's ever growing out back behind the dumpster. And if I need some fruit like pineapple, I just pick them out of those little mixed fruit cups that they throw out next door at the old folk's home! And If I need chicken, I just go ask the Chinese restaurant on the other side of the building and ask for their chicken shaped rat meat! Oh man, this pizza is SO bad! I don't know how I'm still alive or how I stay in business, but this pizza is really, really bad! Oh my god!" -Petrozza Pizza

> Sunday July 13th 2008 < "Chocolate, corn syrup and heavy cream: Cholesterol Heart Attack Fudge"

Old black man singing to music in background...

"Chicaaaaaaaaaagooooooooooooooooo! Chicaaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooooo! There's no home I'd rather have! It's Chicaaaaaaaaagooooooooooooo!
As long as I can eat my Foie gras while I smoke my cigarettes in the restaurant while paying a 4.5% sales tax, my home is in Chicaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooo!

Chicaaaaaaaaaagoooooo, my home is Chicaaaaaaagoooooooo!
As long as I can watch my Bozo show every morning and watch my Cubbies play all 81 of their home games at 1:20pm on WGN, my home is in Chicaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooo! Chicaaaaaaaaaagoooooo, my home is Chicaaaaaaagoooooooo!

As long as I can listen to Bob Collins, Roy Leonard, Jack Brickhouse, Harry Caray, Wally Phillips, my home is in Chicaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooo! Chicaaaaaaaaaagoooooo, my home is Chicaaaaaaagoooooooo!

As long as I can watch Floyd Kalber, John Drury, Tim Weigel and Gene Siskel, my home is in Chicaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooo! Chicaaaaaaaaaagoooooo, my home is Chicaaaaaaagoooooooo!

As long as I can go watch games in single-level Soldier Field and the Chicago Stadium & Comiskey Park, my home is in Chicaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooo! Chicaaaaaaaaaagoooooo, my home is Chicaaaaaaagoooooooo!

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh! My gasoline, cigarettes, water and taxes are so loooooooooooow! My home is in Chicaaaaaaaaaaagoooooooooooo! Chicaaaaaaaaaagoooooo, my home is ChicaaaaaagooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

**song ends**

DJ: "Wow....that song is a bit dated. And its motifs are antiquated. City is nothing like it used to be."

> Monday July 14th 2008 <   "Hello, I'm super! Ow! My wrist!"

Female TV reporter: "I am standing here at the World Bronze Gym where unabashed weightlifter and steroid user Dolph Rudager is using the bench press."

Dolph Rudager: "HEY MAN! ALL THIS BULLSHIT TALK ABOUT HOW STUDENT ATHLETES SHOULDN'T TAKE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING STEROIDS AND HOW THEY SHOULD BAN STEROIDS!!   IT'S JUST SOME EVIL PERPETRATED SCHEME BY THE STUPID LIBERAL MEDIA TO SHED A BAD LIGHT ON STEROIDS!!   I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, STEROIDS DIDN'T KILL MY FRIEND!!!!!"

Female TV reporter: "Then what did kill him?"

Dolph Rudager: "A BRAIN TUMOR!!!!"

Female TV reporter: "Where do you think he got the brain tumor from?"

Dolph Rudager: **stutters** "I DON'T KNOW! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE GOT IT FROM??! THE FUCKIN' HARDWARE STORE?!! IT WAS FATE!!!"

Female TV reporter: "I think maybe he got it from his steroid use...?"

Dolph Rudager: "WHAT?! **stutters** NO......STUPID.....LOUSY....BITCH!'

Female TV reporter: "Oh my!"

Dolph Rudager: "STUPID... MISERABLE... WHORE!!"

Female TV reporter: "Oh my!"

Dolph Rudager: "I'M GONNA GO TAKE SOME MORE 'ROIDS AND LIFT SOME MORE!!!! I WANT YOU THE HELL OUT OF HERE WHEN I GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM! ROGER?"

Female TV reporter: "And this has been a Channel 5 exclusive report on steroids".

Dolph Rudager screaming in the background: "NO GOD DAMN IT I DON'T HAVE A SPARE BOTTLE OF HORSE TRANQUILIZERS!!! BRING YOUR OWN!!!   WHAT ARE YOU TAKING, GIVE ME THAT!!!! GIVE IT!!!! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU!!! GIVE ITTTTTTTTT!!!!!" **lots of loud banging and clanging**

Female TV reporter: "Oh my!"

> Sunday July 20th 2008 < "Stupidity can be worse than vulgarity and violence"

Rocket Ship
(D.Rudager)

Dr. Phil won't build me a rocket ship.
Dr. Phil won't build me a rocket ship.
Mr. McGraw won't build me a rocket ship.
Phil McGraw won't build me a rocket ship.

Asshole fucker Phillip won't build me a rocket ship.
Why won't that asshole build me a rocket ship? That fucker.
Then he said, "Do you hear yourself?!"
Why won't he build me a rocket ship???!

I don't give no thought to no thing about nothing
And then he said "Ease up on them double negatives".
I want my rocket ship.
Gotta get someone to build my rocket ship.

Or maybe I'll settle for a taco instead
Yeah, a taco would be nice.
But a rocket ship would be really nice
Gots, gots, gots to has it...

Rocket ship.

Rocket ship... some day
Rocket ship... come my way
Rocket ship... fly everyday
Rocket ship... I say.

ROCCCCCCCCCCKETTTTTTTTTTTTT SHIPPPPPPPPPPP!!

(background noise) "yeah, #1 hit!"

END 7/20

> Tuesday July 15th 2008 < "Eff you see kay why oh you"

A.L. 4-3 (15) J.D. Drew MVP. Man, I am still physically and emotionally exhausted from this All Star Game. I'll write this later.

> Wednesday July 16th 2008 < "No, no, no! That's the Winter sewing machine, I said take out the Summer sewing machine!!!"

Today we have a previously unfinished entry completed. Please enjoy this classic Untitled Daily Column Project entry.

The Honeymooners.

Alice with hands on hips: "Now listen up here, Ralphie. You got a big stomach an' a fat ass an' nobody likes ya, see?!"

Ralph: "I oughta throw you right outta that window right now, Alice!"

Alice: "You don't have the guts, fat boy!" **walks away**

Ralph: **mumbles to self**

-o-

Alice with hands on hips: "You know what your problem is, you see, Ralphie? You're too busy drivin' around that bus all day with your big fat head up yer big fat ass, see?!"

Ralph: "I oughta take this knife and gut you like a fish if we didn't have these potatoes here to peel for dinner."

Alice: "Always too busy thinkin' about food for your fat stomach, Ralphie!" **walks away**

Ralph: **punches cardboard apartment wall on the set**

-o-

Alice with hands on hips: "Now listen up here, Ralphie. You're just as worthless as the poop you shit out of your ass every night!"

Ralph holds up fist: "One of these days, Alice....."

Alice: "Yeah yeah, Ralphie boy, 'one of these days, one of these days, one of these days, one of these days...' " **repeats over and over**

Ralph: **eyes grow wide and deeply focused on Alice's repetitiveness**

Alice: "Listen up here, Ralphie boy! You ain't nothin' more than a glorified diesel box driving monkey, see?!" **walks away**

Ralph: "Alice! YOU... *grunt!* " **grabs chest & strokes out and drops dead before retort is exchanged**

> Thursday July 17th 2008 < "Hey we praise our mediocre totally mismanaged city!"

DJ at the all-bootleg station: "Wow... that bootleg was REALLY hard on the ears! Ow! It's like they recorded that one on Thomas Edison's phonograph or something. Alright, next up: Led Zeppelin 1978 in Minnesota. I'm warning you... there is a LOT of reverb and distorted noise fuzz on this one. Next on here on WBLG, all things bootleg station."

> Friday July 18th 2008 < "Umpire is still a big fat dickhead."

Last year email spam filters prevented over $120 million worth of prizes in email notifications of contests people entered online. Which reminds me to check my email Monday and Tuesday. I entered the White Castle / Family Guy "word of the day" contest where you can win a $50 gift card to White Castle. Unfortunately despite making bookmarks, I forgot about this Monday and Tuesday with the All Star Game, but got Wednesday-Friday. It would be nice to win. Even if you weren't a fan of the show, all you had to do was tune between 10:19pm and 10:20pm where the damn thing stayed on the screen longest so any dipshit, even illiterate could draw out the letters and find them on a keyboard to enter. $50 is a lot of money, especially for fast food and especially for White Castle, home of the (now) .59 cent Slyder. I pondered if I won, if I would spend $30 on food and the rest on some novelty item, or all $50 on food, because a mug or T-shirt would last long than the food, which would be approximately 3 to 7 days. Since I probably won't win, it's not worth worrying about.

> Saturday July 19th 2008 < "Two and a half cups of powdered sugar? Diabetes in a bowl."

Dear diary

Tonight I tried Hot Pockets.

I am going into rehab tomorrow. ~

> Monday July 21st 2008 < ""What are you gonna do NOW, Regis?? When things fuck up, you can't blame Gelman!""

One of my favorite things to do on Summer nights, is drive around and find an outdoor teen party, park my car a few blocks away, and start screaming, "THE COPS ARE COMING!! THE COPS ARE COMING!!!" and run back to my car and drive by with the brights on.

> Tuesday July 22nd 2008 < "The Untitled Daily Column Project: a division of mp34's hellhole (R) TM"

"You can knock me down, spit in my face, puncture my lungs, jab out my eyes, rape my wife, kick my dog, sell my baby on the organ black market, burn my church, blow up my parents, gut my fish, bomb my car, kiss my sister, eat my franks, leech my wallet, steal my cable, beat my boss, sever my spleen, skin my cat, rupture my rectum, salt my lawn, but honey lay off of them blue suede shoes!"

**crowd stops dancing**

"What? What?!?"