June 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

-o- Wednesday June 1st, 2005 -o- "That was some serious p&s."

Well it's time for another column. Nothing really to talk about. Tho this Cubs winning streak is making me very angry. I've been in a real deleting mood lately. Nothing like trimming off the fat! I remember when I originally started this website like 5 years ago, it was just a bunch of stupid designs and shit. And it went un-updated for a good year and a half. Then I changed the home page design, then after a few months, I went back to the original design, then after like a year, I completely deleted the site from top to bottom. This being early to mid 2003, with the plan to unveil a whole new design and concept, which is the brown and yellow barn-burner that you see today. Tho this column has gone thru a few different color schemes, I've been working on a brown & yellow version, but it just doesn't seem quite right yet. I'm trying to come up with new ideas or new scripts or something.

Btw, Ozzie is a fucking idiot. Let's put some guy who hasn't played 1st base since 1999 in Japan & is like 5' 6" and start him at 1st base! Wheee!! And why was Timo Perez playing first? "Paul Konerko was told he wasn't to feel like playing, and that after only 50 games , he's too tired to play!" Never mind that the Sox had the off-day the next day, but what the fuck ever. And watch as he gives up 2 runs from an error there, and of course, why don't we put our worst hitter in the # 2 and watch him strike out with the bases loaded with the tying runs on! Wheee!

I would absolutely hate to be a manager these days in baseball. It's like managers have to be
fucking psychologists now. "oh, we have to play everybody! We can't hurt anybody's feelings!" It's like fucking tee-ball for christ's sake. You didn't see this shit 20 years ago in baseball. Managers always put out the best lineup they could. If you sucked, your ass was parked on the bench where it belongs, not batting 2nd in the order. There's too much of this shit going on where your best hitters are getting days-off right when they're starting to hit the ball. The way baseball works, is players get in grooves and they're in a zone. You don't reward guys who went 2 for 3 or 3 for 4 the game before by putting them on the bench!!

If you're a ballplayer, you leave all of your shit at home and come to the park trying to win every single game. And if you fuck up and make an error, you bust your ass even harder to make up for it.

-o- Thursday June 2nd, 2005 -o- "assume women are always dieting."

favorite phrases.

"listen to the dancing poon."

"well apparently"

"..until their ass bleeds, but it doesn't mean a god damned thing."

"kickin' the dog."

"you stupid, silly man!"

"a festivus...for the rest of us."

"like his piss turns to wine."

" 'Bigger than Jesus' starting rotation"

"get a haircut, you hippie."

"assman? I'll give him assman!!"

"you can cram it with walnuts, Ugly!"

"Well that wasn't very nice of them."

"i'm gonna staple your ass shut."

"i'm gonna gut you like a fish."

"assbutt."

"punch him in the throat!"

"a happy anus is a clean anus."

-o- Friday June 3rd, 2005 -o- "you swing at that... I'll kill you."

Well tonight I went to the Sox game. It was a very muggy night. We didn't leave until about 6:30pm but somehow made it to the ballpark on time at 7:05pm. I swear O'D lives and dies by that radar detector, haha. We got to our seats and the Sox were just starting their 4 run 1st inning. We saw El Duque pitch, who at times was a bit all over the place and hit 4 batters (two which I only saw) and except for a bullshit weak high pop-up that just barely hit the foul pole for a bullshit 3-run homer by Coco Crisp, he was alright. Sox eventually rallied and scored two more runs. And they did it all on small-ball; 10 of the 11 hits were singles. Frank Thomas did not play tonight. And of course, I did my usual heckling when the stupid "Win a Chevy Truck" shit came out, I screamed "Get off the field!!" & also booed Joe Crede despite him making a 6-3 double-play. The Sox defense was pretty damn good; turning 3 DP's with the two other by Uribe. I swear to god their gloves are the only thing keeping them in the lineup. And I think that's exactly what Ozzie loves about them: striking out with the bases loaded time after time and hitting around .210. Because that's exactly the kind of player Ozzie was on the Sox: batted 9th, hit like .220 every year, would have won more gold gloves if it weren't for Cal Ripken Jr. on the Orioles.

In fact, Ozzie wants Uribe and Crede to hit worse! He wants to fully emphasize the "fielding is more important than hitting." And of course, the days when Uribe & Crede aren't playing SS & 3B, those are the games the Sox lose.

The game went quickly, 2 hours and 27 minutes, which was followed by some 10 minute Latino concert performed by some flat-chested chicken-legged woman where the lights were dimmed. Tho it only being 9:35 at the time, most of the 23,000+ who came to the game already left, and those who stayed kept talking very loudly in the stands during the concert, was a total of 2 songs. haha I couldn't believe people kept talking so loudly, it was like they were ignoring her. haha. Then the lights were completely shut off for the 15-minute fireworks show. It was alright as firework shows go, but it could had been a lot louder; since most of them were star-bursts. But the finale was fucking great, tho. They must had shot off like 50 fireworks at once and it was like a white explosion that completely deafened you for a good 5 seconds, and really knocked the shit out of you.

Let's see..what else.. I got some free nachos, picked up some all-star ballots, and the traffic wasn't too bad out of the park. Also got to hear the Padres score 4 runs against the Cubs on the radio.

-o- Saturday June 4th, 2005 -o- "dancing around in their underwear."

Nothing like losing a sure out in the 9th inning when you have a 6-4 lead in the Sun while playing left field and scoring to make it a one-run game. Who were the Ad-wizards who came up with the idea to build a ballpark that faces towards the lake instead of downtown Chicago and have the Sun blind the left-fielder in late-afternoon games?

-o-

"Yeah I'm sure your ' wife ' doesn't like you keeping pantyhose in the back of your ' truck '."

-o-

"Yeah, I seriously doubt Major Leaguers would waste time playing "home run derby" for a can of Pepsi when they can just buy a Pepsi factory instead."

-o- Sunday June 5th, 2005 -o- "No Ebonics jibber-jabber."

Ozzie you fucking idiot. Ok, you have the first two games won in a series, and you're facing the Indians ace C.C. Sabathia, but you put Mark Buehrle with a lineup full of bench players. So what happens? Tons of missed opportunities; shitty guys striking out with the bases loaded, another lead blown by the over-used bullpen (12 inning game) thus another no-decision for Buehrle. I am so sick and tired of Ozzie just being satisfied with winning the 1st two games and then giving up the 3rd game just to play your shitty bench. There's a reason why those players are on the bench: THEY SUCK! Shit, half of the team doesn't even belong on a Major League roster. C'mon Ozzie, where's that "thirst-for-blood" gut?? What about making a statement of smacking the shit out of your division rival? Shit, I remember when the Indians were good and the Sox getting swept in Cleveland in a 4-game series! You're not going to win every series, let alone 2 out of 3 games in every series, it's just impossible. But just for once I'd like to see a 6 to 9 game winning streak. I'm just glad this fucking day is over with.

-o- Monday June 6th, 2005 -o- "he's quick with a joke, and to light up your dope, but there's some place he'd rather be."

Well the Toronto Blue Jays and the Cubs renewed their historic and heated rivalry tonight; as well as the Sox going to Denver and renewing the blood-shed war with the team known as the Rockies.

-o-

I have a theory on my life. I have lots of theories. I think, the single defining life-changing moment in my life where things went from good to bad, was on a Sunday in the Fall in the late 80s. I remember, my parents and I went to this house upstate for some reason, to see a friend of theirs or something, and I was in this bedroom, watching the Bears / Packers game on TV. And I'm pretty sure they were playing in Green Bay. And at the time, the Bears were winning like 14 to 10 or something low like that, then a Priest in his gear comes into the room from the hallway, looks at the TV, and asks me "Who's going to win?" And of course I said, "the Bears!" and he seemed pretty happy, then rambled on about something then eventually left.

So eventually, the Bears ended up blowing it.. and it was like a 4th quarter TD pass or some shit. Years later, I thought of that afternoon & game, and I think that Priest put a hex on me. He was an old man, so he probably was a gambling man and shit, and probably lost money from that game. But the theory is, "I lied to a Priest, and that can't be good in any sense." So the Bears lost, and this Priest says, "I'm gonna show that kid something about the nature of "respect" !" and thus the "Curse of a lifetime" hex wasborn.

-o- Tuesday June 7th, 2005 -o- "DJ, Marijuana's not a drug"

**changes the channel and catches the news**

Female anchor: "..will be the first female in the race's history. ...And she can drive very well!"

Male anchor: "yes, very well, indeed. And very unusual for a female, at that. Extremely rare. Now turning to sports.."

-o-

Female anchor: ".....and thanks to this mother, a toy is now banned in this state, after this lone mother's son nearly strangled himself with the toy."

**mutes sound**

Way to fucking go, lady. Because your stupid kid, you've ruined it for everyone else. Way to go, fatso. It's stupid people like you that make me sick.

-o- Wednesday June 8th, 2005 -o- "Who gives a shit what Holly thinks?"

It's open letters time! Now, if I was a petty man, I could spend 4 hours a day sending emails to these idiot journalistic hacks and so called "artists".

Dear Ryne Sandberg: "You're a fucking idiot." ~me commenting on his daily column at ya-hoe sports.com.

-o-

"Dear Bill Amend: What does a person who has nothing left to say do? He writes a Fox Trot cartoon!"

-o-

"Dear Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune. Nobody gives a god damn shit about the L.A. Lakers or you writing about the most worthless and flakiest fans on the planet in L.A. where you have spent the past 20 years but came to Chicago recently. Why don't you go back to L.A. with the rest of the Jews?"

-o-

"Dear Bill Amend. Over the years, I have watched your strip devolve from a 4-panel comic strip to a 3-panel comic strip. Since you have nothing left to say anymore, why don't you just go to a 2-panel or 1-panel strip every day. Better yet, why don't you go to a 0-panel strip! You can shove your Star Trek shit up your ass, you Macintosh tool !!"

-o-

"Dear Lynn Johnston. I find it amusing that you think writing Sunday's comic strip of "Elly and John"; the center fogey points of the strip to go to a threatre only to get offended by the titles of movies showing there; and thus just went home instead and watched a colorized bastard version of "Gone With The Wind." I can't wait until all of the hippies and old farts like you finally die off the planet. Enjoy your seizures aboot in the hoose."

-o- Thursday June 9th, 2005 -o- "Blood and Gums Murphy."

Steinbrenner watching the Yankees on TV and yelling at the TV: "I should fuckin' FIRE YOU!!!!"

Steinbrenner looking at himself in the mirror: "I should fuckin' FIRE YOU!!!!"

-o-

"yeah, nothing fucking quite like a Millenium Project opening 4 years late and $100 million over-budget."

-o-

blue anus bears

-o- Friday June 10th, 2005 -o- "Murder rates are down because everyone's already dead."

Somebody said something about the White Sox and Chicago: "We win the World Series this year and I think a few things will finally change in this town."

And my reaction, of course, was this:

"You really think that'll change anything in this town? A World Series trophy doesn't even come close in comparison to Wrigley Field. There's no ivy, bricks, sunshine, or a big ugly green scoreboard or bleachers on a World Series trophy to sit on."

And of course, there's a big stinking shit about the Red Sox coming to Wrigley Field for the first time in like 87 years.. a match-up of two crappy barely 2nd-place teams. Suffice to say, it was one of the most sloppiest games I have ever seen in my life. I think the Red Sox were hitting the whiskey before the game (which is what they did before each playoff game in '04).

And while I'll look past the front page of the Friday Cubtune (which is the new word for the Tribune now) Sports section where it had a full-page chart comparing Red Sox / Cubs curses and lore. It had stupid pointless facts and pictures of shit, and the picture of Steve Bartman was almost bigger than the entire article of the # 1 in baseball White Sox playing the N.L. West leaders the San Diego Padres buried at the bottom left corner of the front page. Why? Because somebody pointed out in light of this extremely overly-blown & hyped series, The Red Sox have been coming to Chicago for over 80 years.

-o- Saturday June 11th, 2005 -o- "why are you yelling at the TV?"

must... resist.... looking at... the standings... before...the all-star break!

Yeah, it's a rule I've kept every year until this one. I didn't expect the White Sox to start off as # 1 and stay there as of this late. It's June 11th and they're still # 1 in baseball. Tho it's my prediction that the Sox will be 5 games out of 1st place by August 1st.

But, as it goes, traditional scoreboard watching goes as the following:

Cubs loss
Sox win
Twins loss
Cardinals win
Yankees loss
Giants loss (Bonds factor)

After that, unless I have a pitching staff in Fantasy baseball, I really don't give a shit who wins or loses.

And yeah, another poorly managed Sox game by Ozzie. Up only 1-0 in the 8th inning, runners on the corners, Buehrle is up to bat. Shows bunt like 5 pitches, strikes out. Then iPod & Iguchi both strike out while barely lifting the bat off their shoulders. Now, keep in mind, it's the 8th inning, and Buehrle has thrown like 110 pitches already. He pitches in the bottom of the 8th, gets two outs, then two guys reach base, he's pulled. So of course, Ozzie brings his in over-used closer Hermanson, he gives up a game tying homerun, then gives up two hits, then the intentional walk because 2nd base was open to load the bases and there's only one out. Next Padres batter gets a hit. Game over. Ozzie blew it. And of course, the slowest man in baseball, Paul Konerko, couldn't score from first base on a deep, deep hit to left field.. tho the replay showed him just barely safe, the umpire had it out for us all night because some Sox batters were barking at the ump, and thus we didn't get any close calls late in the game at all.

And of course, the worst thing is the Twins won 5-3 against the hitless Dodgers, so the lead is down to 4.5 games. And the Padres and Twins are laughing at us. And even tho the Sox haven't won this 3-game series yet, Ozzie will put out his 2nd-rate lineup so the shitty bench players can play. So you can write off tomorrow's game as a loss and this road trip to 4-2. See ya.

-o- Sunday June 12th, 2005 -o- Dog: "you know I pooped on the floor."

"None"
By: Dolph Rudager

"well i'm-a drivin' in my car,
cop comes up to the door,
telling me i ain't got no wheels
or a big dick to fuck with!

a hey hey hey! that's what i say!

"well i'm-a ridin' in my car
cop comes up to the door
telling me i didn't pay for that air
and it was off to jail or die right there!

a hey hey hey! that's what i say!

well i'm-a sittin' in the bar
fat woman big as a car
comes up screaming about no chocolate,
or a hole to shit in!

a hey hey, hey! that's what i say!

well i'm-a drinkin' in the park
loud child runs up to me,
screamin' i kicked over their soda,
as i punched their mom & threw rocks at their SUV.

a hey hey, hey! that's what i say!

"well i'm-a riding on my cunt,
and the cop comes up to the floor
telling me i ain't got no coordination
and he's got a stabbing knife with blood with my prints!

a hey hey hey! that's what i say!

"well i'm-a driving in my car,
man comes on the radio,
telling me i ain't got no poon
'cause I got a needle-sized dick with high insurance rates!

a hey, hey hey! that's what i say!"

I can't get no... sat 'is...fact...ion...

END

6/12/05

-o- Monday June 13th, 2005 -o- "ah, Harvey Llama."

HAHA Boy our teams got the complete shit smacked out of them tonight! What can I say, Contreras got lit up for 7 runs by the 2nd inning, yet Ozzie made him pitch 6 innings with around 120 pitches. Everyone got pissed off who showed up.... Mayor Daley.... Ken Williams...the 32,952 fans who showed up for cheap-bastard Monday Night half price night... while the Cubs were in town and playing at the same exact same time against one of the premiere young pitchers of the game....

32,952 + 38,708 = 71,660 Chicago baseball fans saw losing baseball tonight.

71,660 Chicago baseball fans watched as our teams gave up 17 runs while we scored 2.

And even Frank Thomas, who hurt himself again while swinging for a hit to deep right field tonight and left the game. Boy, we sure do really suck. Shawn Estes handed our asses on a platter! 1 run, 8 hits in a complete game. And thus, the first game of the series has been lost (and keep in mind, Thomas played, Rowand led off and iPod never played.). And Iguchi looks lost there, at the plate. What the hell is he swinging at?? Dragons or something???

Hawk the baseball player:

Hawk speaking outloud to himself as he steps into the batter's box: "Alright, here comes in Hawk Harrelson, batting a meaty .219 on the year. Alrighty, here's this pitch!" **swings** **misses** "I was a little tardy on that one!"

Ump: "hey, stop calling the game for us!"

Hawk outloud to himself: "Yeah, I'm-a gonna step out for a bit and look at the 3rd base coach Big Charlie. Yeah, Big Charlie knows how to do it, and do it like it is on that last trip to Kansas City. Keep ma' eye on that ball!!!"

catcher behind home plate: "Hey hillbilly, why don't you just shut up!"

Hawk outloud to himself: "It's time to turn the screws on the crow! Time after time, a'gain! I'm REALLY seeing the ball well, lately!! C'mon!! Here comes the pitch for me!"

**swings and misses**

Hawk to himself outloud: "Alright, alright, I'm not going to lie to you, Hawk. Everyone saw that & that was embarrassing. Didn't throw me a cookie curve ball, but that ball broke much more than it does in Kansas City. Boy, the sacks are packed!"

Ump: "I'm warning you!!"

Hawk outloud again: "Skip Krabowski, the Man in Blue behind the plate tonight calling the game! Pitcher is set and here comes ma' pitch!!!"

**swings and makes contact**

Hawk: "Oh yeah! I got all of that one! There's a screamer!

**trots to first base** **then stares in disbelief as it lands into the outfielder's glove**

Hawk: "He caught it.. it didn't even make it to the warning track. I can't believe it! I'm-a gonna sit down and hang ma' head in shame."

Hawk: **runs towards the dugout** "Here I am, getting ready to sit down in the dugout."

Fan in the stands behind the dugout: **stands up and shouts** "Hey, why don't you shut your motherfucking mouth up when you bat, eh?!"

Hawk outloud to himself on the bench: "Man I can't wait to go golfin' tomorrow. Bring 'ol Big Charlie from Kansas City!!"

END

-o- Tuesday June 14th, 2005 -o- "Cold Front! Get your ass over here!!"

Finally! The cold front came and it's super! No more sticking to the sheets at night when I sleep!
And I'm getting a little sick and tired of all these freaks and assholes getting movie deals and reality TV show deals. We've had to put up with these idiots every single day for week and months at a time, and now you think we want to see more of them??

And as you can tell by this week's scoreboards, there's been some real ass poundings going on.

-o-

Bobby: "I..."

Hank: "that's it. I'm going fishing."

-o-

Peggy: "Hank would you get off your big fat hillbilly ass and..."

Hank: "that's it. I'm going fishing."

-o-

Dale: "I saw your boy Bobby the other day taking a baseball bat to some propane tanks! Got a nice pretty sound from it, too."

Hank: "that's it. I'm getting my shotgun."

-o- Wednesday June 15th, 2005 -o- "just shut up and eat your chocolate, woman."

In light of an article in today's Cubune Tempo section of Mike Veeck (son of former Sox owner Bill Veeck) visiting the Cell and coming up with promotions to bring fans to the ballpark. His ideas were as of the following:

A souvenir kiosk of items from Old Comiskey
Freight train on the tracks west of the Cell to be tagged with Sox logos
Murals on right field advertisement
More splashes of color, tho no mention where and what
Write something on the concrete in chalk
Move the Minnie Minoso statue around the ballpark
Remove seats in upper deck with couches (oh please)
Tape of Harry Caray singing "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" from old Comiskey during the 7th inning stretch.
"ushertrainers". Ushers who sing Opera or do magic tricks. Now, I don't know if you noticed ushers, but most of them are very shady characters who I doubt possess any real talents. And we all know games would be a lot better if there were fewer ushers.
Radio controlled blimp. Now, they did this at the United Center during a Blackhawks game I went to. This remote controlled airplane would fly around and drop pizza coupons on to the crowd. Unless this blimp crashed into something, I don't see the point of it.

Now, I'm going to say, that most, if not all , of these ideas are pretty lame and shitty. Now here's some of my ideas:

Nickel Beer Night

Design the new Sox jersey & logo or alternate uniform contest. Fans would come to the ballpark with their entries and drop them off in the box.

Be the Sox GM for a day. Orchestrate trades with management.

Win free hot dogs / food promotion.

Belching contest between innings (usher would have mic to go into the stands & fan would belch.)

Harry Potter / LOTR book burning Literature Depreciation Night

Leave Your Kids at Home Night

Win tickets to a free luxury suite for a game

Strippers dancing on dugouts Night

Serve hard booze

Tomato Day. Fans would be given a tomato to throw on to the field against idiot performers between innings.

Cowbell Night

Cubs Suck Night. All fans would be encouraged to wear "Cubs Suck" memorabilia and make signs to receive a discount towards Sox gift shop.

Cubs Demolition Night. All things Cubs to be blown up in centerfield with dynamite.

DVD / CD Rap / Hip Hop Demolition Night.

9am baseball or midnight baseball games.

Bare knuckle boxing Night

Fight Club Night

Carlton Fisk Day. All those with Fisk jerseys get in for free.

Bill Veeck bobble-wooden leg Night

Mock Hawk Harrelson Night

Free class field trips to Sox games

Free Sox tickets for perfect attendance / good grades

NRA Night. NRA Propaganda shown on the scoreboard between innings on how to properly use a gun, guns in self-defense and guns for hunting & squirting.

Twins suck Night. Would feature videos of the Twins fucking up; obscene mocking songs, and everything that's lame about the Twins (would include constant footage of Torii Hunter plowing over Jamie Burke at homeplate).

Banner / Sign Night. Fans would be encouraged to make signs & banners and hang them from the upper deck, hold them up.

Casino Night. Slot machines and tables setup for gambling.

Free baseball Night. Fans leaving the ballpark would receive an official Major League baseball. A $12 value.

Free lemonade Night. Ideally for a very hot summer night.

Cheese Appreciation Night (all things with cheese 75% off)

Ninja Star Night. Fans would be encouraged to bring ninja stars & would receive them.

Turn Back the Clock nights: 1983, 1990, 1993, 2000 with uniforms, same prices on seats, food..

Free Pizza slice & hot dog night.

Win free Sox tickets night

Carnival Night (as lame as that is). Carnival outside in the parking lot.

Free I-Pass Night. Fans would receive free I-Pass cards to put in their cars to use the Tollways for free.

Wet T-Shirt Night. I suppose this could apply to men and women.

Tattoo Night. Those with tattoo's getting in for a discount.

Free Parking Night. $13 charge waived.

X-Rated Adult Porn night. Hard-core pornography to be shown on the scoreboard and inbetween innings. Adults 21+ only allowed. Local porn retailers will setup shop and sell porn and porn accessories along the concourse.

Beard Night. Men and women are encouraged to grow their beards out.

Free $50 bill Night. All fans 18 and over will receive free $50 bills upon entering the ballpark.

Go Cart race Night. 3 go carts would crash into each other in a race going around the track between innings / & would cart players from the bullpen to the mound.

Profanity / heckling Night. Fans will be encouraged to scream and heckle as loudly as possible towards the players. Not responsible for trauma endured by minors.

Free popsicle Night. Another warm summer night promotion.

Cubs effigy night. Fans will be encouraged to bring items of Cubs players and products to be burned in centerfield bleachers during the game. Would also include a Cub's blue bear pi�ata to be smashed by lucky Sox fans between innings and shown on the scoreboard.

Improv comedian Night. Between innings, fans will have the option to stand up to a mic and spout their skits for a good 60 seconds. Keep in mind, there will police near you.

Judgement Day. Fans vote for the worst player on the team to be demoted to Triple-A.

Other possible promotional ideas include: Police Brutality Appreciation Night, Beat Up Your Wife Night, Hitler Night, Free White Sox ash trays & cigarettes Night, Face Painters Night, and Give Blood Night where participants would get free beer.

-o- Thursday June 16th, 2005 -o- "Rain Forest wood makes excellent stirring sticks."

words I keep misspelling:

necessary
nauseous
restaurant
misspelling
strength
appropriate
alimony
memorabilia
disappointed
calendar
ridiculous (other people)

-o-

speaking of other lists....

television
card table
chair
computer
coffee table
vcr
4 speakers
turntable
Republican propaganda pencil
empty Dr. Pepper can
wooden keyboard hoisting stick
bank calendar
2 coasters
newspapers
CDs
fan
many small napkins
2 remote controls
pencil holder
ping pong table
Family Guy DVD season 1 & 2
entertainment center
headphones
Flash book

-o- Friday June 17th, 2005 -o- "women: those loud hysterical crazy things."

Customer on the phone: "oh this meat tastes terrible!"

Butcher on the phone: "gotta turn a profit some how."

-o-

Tonight was the first time I saw the 2005 $200 million Yankees. Man, they are fucking awful! They're so god damn old and slow! Every fielder has the range of 1 step, which is why they give up so many god damn basehits. Plus Giambi is the most worthless player in baseball. He grounded into 2 DP's in three innings and botched a would-be DP by taking 4 steps towards 2nd base and nearly threw that fucker into left field, which lead to a Cubs run. Perhaps Giambi should switch to a fungo bat, because ever since he stopped shooting up steroids, his muscles have turned to Jello. The Yankees made a big mistake in not voiding his contract over the past winter.

The Yankees looked terrible and yet, they scored 9 runs against the "Bigger than Jesus" Cubs pitching staff. And there was still way too many fucking Cubs fans at Yankee Stadium. Speaking of Yankee Stadium, man does look run-down. I mean, it's nice looking and everything, but paint and monuments can only do so much. And the Yankees are so rich they're the only team who can spend $800 of their own money to build a new stadium. Tho they're going to replicate the original Yankee Stadium (but probably in conjunction with the 1974-75 renovations since I highly doubt they'll make left center field 500 feet again (where the monuments are today). But of course, they say the current stadium is "non-functional" and they need more luxury suites. They say they're going from 18 to about 56. But why stop there? Why not just build 2 or 3 stories of luxury seats at the expense of those pointless back box seats? Obviously they make the most money per ticket. And the new Yankee Stadium will have like 6 to 8,000 less seats, which I don't get at all.... And what's the point of having a new stadium when you make like 3 times to the next competitor? There isn't, really. The whole point of a new stadium is to generate more revenue (which it only does for the 1st few years) but for the Yankees, the point is moot. Steinbrenner is just letting his ego get in the way and he wants a new stadium like everyone else.

"Oh this floor is too old. Oh this wall is too old. Oh this chair is too old. Oh this exterior facade is too old." And they're going to build it like the original stadium, which after looking at the pictures, the inside of the ballpark looks more like those shitty "Donut Stadiums" they build in the late 1960s-70s that all have been torn down (pending St. Louis Busch Stadium). It looks like they spent a lot more time designing the exterior than the interior. If you want to see, look here:

http://www.ballparks.com/baseball/american/nyybpk.htm

and the current stadium with the old pics.

http://www.ballparks.com/baseball/american/yankee.htm

In other news, the White Sox beat the Dodgers last night, yada yada yada, Buehrle threw a complete game shut-out blah blah blah Saturday night on WGN, the White Sox will be having a "Turn Back the Clock" night of 1959, with apparently the same uniforms (tho they'll ignore the batting helmet logo) along with 1959 TV graphics.

And what's up with people leaving their IM programs on while they go away for hours & days at a time? I hate that. It's like, "yeah, I'm not here right now, but if you cocksuckers leave a message I * might * get back to you, but most likely not." To me, there's nothing worse than not getting a message that was left for you. And computers restart, crash, and the internet disconnects and assholes come into rooms and fuck around with your computer and close / fuck with shit. Tho people say they leave their program on all the time because every time they sign on from being signed off, there's this whole "fury". Well, fuck.

-o- Saturday June 18th, 2005 -o- **Bob Seger voice** "cu-cu-cu-cu-cu-cu-cu-cu-cu Cuntman Blues!"

Man! What a comeback! After being down 3-1, a bunch of full counts and fouling off pitches, including AJ slamming his bat into the ground after he thought he fouled out, to hitting the game-winning homerun on the next pitch. And all 36,067 learned a valuable lesson: Never leave the game early, and stay the hell away from that bike shop!

And how about those fucking uniforms, eh? Fucking great. 1959 cream-colored black & red jersey with numbers on the sleeves and no names on the back, along with multi-striped stirrups, complete with matching batting helmet & cap. Red sure kicked the fucking hell out of that stupid pussy silver.

-o-

isn't he the guy who set a car on fire??!

"He HAD to, dad! He got dissed!"

-o-

Possible future column articles:

-Soccer moms are ruining the world!
-Chocolate: lard or drug?
-College: The economist's ultimate scam.

-o- Sunday June 19th, 2005 -o- "It's cocktacular!"

Not Super Happy Fun / a.k.a. Fuck the Fucking Farce
By Dolph Rudager

Well apparently Japan is thinking about withdrawing from the Baseball World Cup tournament, mainly because of opposition by some players, the union and that they'd rather play it in November when we're all sick of baseball instead of the proposed early March.

Well..... good, I say. I think this 16-team tournament is stupid, and some players are saying they won't play. Anything to bring down the appeal to this farce. Some people have been bitching that there's "not a true World champion" in baseball. Like, give me a fucking break. You can't have the Boston Red Sox playing whoever won the Japanese league in early November or in March. Players (the precious babies they are) are worn out by then, plus it's different leagues with different rules and different rosters every year. And besides, we don't have time to be playing every cocksucking champion from every baseball league on the planet.

And then there's this: what about if one of your major stars on your team gets hurt? "in other news, in the Baseball World Cup today, Mark Buehrle torn his rotator cuff while snapping his arm in half while pitching to Australia's Crimey McDingo. Baseball career over, yada yada more at 10pm."

I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone from the White Sox playing in this stupid World Cup. You're stupid, World Cup. And it's stupid.. pinning MLB teammates against other teammates. Then you'll have tension within the clubhouse if the Cup is decided by a dirty play or some bullshit. And say Italy or Australia wins it all, does it really prove anything or would anyone really care? And suppose the USA wins it.... gives the world another reason to hate us.

And we still don't know what the schedule is, but it'll probably take 2 to 4 weeks to play, with horribly long travel times (which I'm sure will be very costly) and there will probably be only 10 to 12 games played; meaning any idiot team can get lucky & hot and start winning. And is the viewing public going to be subject to local 4am or 9am TV times? And let's not forget if it's played in March, the spring training facilities & towns and businesses will be hurt when all of the team's best players are playing elsewhere in the Cup. Did the fuckheads in charge ever think of that? Hmmm??

-o- Monday June 20th, 2005 -o- "yeah you didn't stretch first, that's why you broke your leg."

"if Frank Thomas wants to get his 500th HR so god damn badly, then he can do it while DHing for the Kansas City Royals." ~comment of the year by the smartest Sox fan in the world: me

-o-

"if anything, the White Sox are winning IN SPITE of Ozzie. And it's now a proven statistic that the White Sox should have 7 more wins than they do right now."

-o-

"BMac is like a half-baked pizza... he's just not ready yet. Perhaps next year." ~comment after he gave up 7 runs in 4 2/3rds innings last night for the rookie 6" 7" 170 pound 21 year old.

-o-

"The White Sox will be 5 games out of 1st place on August 1st." ~prediction

And as for the Cubs, they got swept at Yankee Stadium, running their record to a beefy 0-7, and since new Yankee Stadium will open in 2009, they will never play there again, let alone win there.

-o- Tuesday June 21st, 2005 -o- "and I took that decorative soap... and I ate it."

It's cocktacular
By Dolph Rudager

"oooh yeah... c'mon, yeah.

keep yo' woman in line.. with violence.

must ya... oh yeah... c'mon..

keepin' your woman in line with violence.

she's got a motor mouth with a caboose ass.
talkin' out of turn, walkin' out of line
here comes a fistful of fury rage!

big ol' furball.

punch that woman and keep her in line
beat up yo' wife, beat her up good
beat up your woman
punching her with violence

**organ / drum solo**
"bru-tal-i-ty, yeeeeeeeeah."
"sweet, sweet bru-tal-i-ty."
**organ / drum solo**

drivin' all over the road
i'm gonna break all of your bones, woman.

yeeeeeeeeeah c'mon!

Pow! Right to the kisser
shut your big mouth, shut your big mouth
beat up your woman

spendin' all of my money
not pickin' up the floor
not being a good slave
hoggin' the bed
bleedin' all over my fists.

yeah, punchin', punchin' punchin', yeah.

I'm-a keepin' my woman in line with violence!
punching her and roughin' her up good....

Stupid woman gettin' a good beat down tonight...
I beat her in the store or the playground or mall,
It don't matter to me.

Woman will never cross me again
I will punch as long as it takes,
punchin' my woman.

Fuckin' annoying, yeah, yeah oh yeah...
I break yo' legs, I break your neck
punchin' my woman.

Ohhhhhhhh fuckin' big ol' mouth on her!
I take care of you with violence

beatin' up the woman, beatin' up the woman,
beatin' up the woman, beatin' up the woman.

yeeeeeeeah!

punchin' your fuckin' woman...

****fade out****

END

6/21/05

-o- Sunday June 26th, 2005 -o- "see, saw, nuff of my bone!"

I'm too pissed off to write anything creative, so I'm going to paste some comments I made.

-o-

"Man, what a fucking terrible game. Sox swinging at first pitches, not taking pitches, popping it up...plus Everett nor Iguchi aren't playing..

What the was Ozzie thinking with Prior on the mound? Swing at everything??"

-o-

"NO AJ, NO!!!!!! Don't fucking swing at a 3-1 pitch in the dirt!!!

awe fucking SHIT man! DP! Bad! Very very bad!!"

-o-

"I don't know what the hell happened in today's game. I've never seen such poor plate discipline. When Prior pitches, you're supposed to take as many pitches as possible to get him out of there so you can get to the bullpen, and everyone was swinging at everything. Ozzie did Dusty a huge favor today."

-o-

Final comments: A series split. What a waste of time. Just terrible. Swinging at first pitches, swinging at pitches out of the zone... and this better not start a long losing streak for the Sox.
And I don't think I like you, Ozzie Guillen. I'm getting real sick and tired of your antics and constant flip-flopping of the lineup.

-o- Wednesday June 22nd, 2005 -o- "grilled cheese with bacon."

voice-over on TV: "Sometimes things just don't work!"

woman: "my drier doesn't work!"

man: "my toilet doesn't flush right anymore!"

teen: "the mall doesn't have good sales!!"

narcissistic man: "Pyramids isn't letting me win!"

teacher: "my pencil keeps needing resharpening!"

woman: "my car drove itself into a tree!"

old person: "my medicine is making me nauseous!"

woman: "My car always turns on red!"

female: "my cell phone doesn't have enough Anytime Minutes and the bill is too high!"

man: "my fists can't stop punching things!"

guy: "My voice makes me sound like a jerk!"

black guy: "My hands keep making me steal things!"

woman: "My car can't stay on its side of the road!"

Voice-over: "Well now there's a solution! It's called "go fuck yourself." Goodbye, now!"

**commercial ends**

-o- Thursday June 23rd, 2005 -o- "deep fried breaded french fries."

Ah, Family Ties....A show that when it was good, it was really good, and when it was bad, it was really bad. A story of hippie parents learning to cope in living in the early 1980s of the Reagan era. Also with an over-achieving Republican son and two annoying daughters living in Columbus, OH who are inexplicably Cleveland Indians fans (when the Cincinnati Reds were a far superior team at the time) dealing with the same shit every family goes through, but with extremely exaggerated plots and "shove this down your fucking throat and choke to death on it!"-kinds of preachy morals. The show is currently being shown in reruns on Me-TV.

Episodes went through like this, tho in every episode, somehow a family member or friend ruins it for Alex:

Alex applies to Princeton
Alex applies to Yale
Alex applies to Harvard
Alex applies to Florida
Alex applies to Utah
Alex McKeaton applies to Notre Dame
Alex applies to Louisville
Alex applies to Southeastern Arkansas
Alex applies to DeVry Institute
Alex applies to Jr. College

Then eventually, they had to write episodes about other things.

Hippie parents ruin Thanksgiving by protesting nuclear arms & go to jail.
Hippie parents bitch about Nixon / Grampa comes to visit.
Hippie girl torments Alex.
Introduce some unknown character & it quickly dies along with preachy moral
Mallory gets a stupid boyfriend & gets dumped by him
Jennifer eats a pie
Mallory gets another stupid boyfriend & gets dumped by him (repeat 21 times)
Jennifer eats some more pie (repeat 35 more episodes)
Mallory gets a stupid idea and acts on it (repeat 70 more episodes)
Get Alex a steady girlfriend (Courtney Cox) and have family sit on couch and spend the entire season showing clips / made-up flashbacks.
Introduce little brother & age it 5 years over the summer & watch the ratings nosedive.

Things I never liked about the show:

Nick. Stupid girls go for stupid guys, so it made sense in theory. But of course, it was disastrous. Stupidier than shit, can barely read or speak any English, but he decides to become a teacher.

Skippy. Peanut Butter sales took a huge hit when this annoying neighbor of the Keatons was introduced to the series very early. With glasses, a bad 1980 haircut and is always running around, this became the most uninteresting character in the history of television. Why is it that bad things never happen to annoying people?

Jennifer. The youngest of the Keaton Klan. She'd say her two lines and go back to stuffing her face with food. Her hair wasn't the only thing that got bigger every season.

Anything else: I can't remember. I haven't seen most episodes in over 20 years.

-o- Friday June 24th, 2005 -o- "then Al Franken went into a violent "i hate bush" seizure"

The Honeymooners.

Alice with hands on hips: "now listen up here, Ralphie. you got a big stomach an' a fat ass an' nobody likes ya, see?!"

Ralph: "I oughta throw you right outta that window right now, Alice!"

Alice: "you don't have the guts, fat boy!" **walks away**

Ralph: **mumbles to self**

-o-

Alice with hands on hips: "You know what your problem is, you see, Ralphie? You're too busy drivin' around that bus with your big fat head up yer big fat ass all day, see!"

Ralph: "I oughta take this knife and gut you like a fish if we didn't have these potatoes here to peel for dinner."

Alice: "Always too busy thinkin' about food for your fat stomach, Ralphie!" **walks away**

Ralph: **punches cardboard apartment wall on the set**

-o-

Alice with hands on hips: "now listen up here, Ralphie. You're just as worthless as the poop you shit out of your ass every night."

Ralph holds up fist: "one of these days, Alice....."

-o- Saturday June 25th, 2005 -o- "bugs are gettin' fat off my legs!"

Tennis column.

I recently read a short article about this retiring Tennis judge in Wimbledon who's last statement was for all of the female tennis players to stop grunting after a service so god damned loud. Maria Sharapova especially, who's apparently been clocked at 110 decibels. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but I do know that things like laughing or twitching burns off energy and calories. And I would imagine that these full-fledged grunts take up a lot of juice and shit, when you're serving over 100 times a match, it's just stupid. And apparently it's the idiot coaches teaching this to tennis players. What the hell kind of advantage this gives.... I don't know.

And who the hell ever wants to listen to a coach? Everybody knows only the biggest assholes become coaches.

-o- Monday June 27th, 2005 -o- "Cold front! Get your ass over here!!!!"

so much for my no-sneezing streak. I went four days without sneezing, which has to be some sort of a record for me. Then it rains literally 30 drops of water around midnight, and i go to sneeze 8 times in the next 20 hours. What the hell is up with that?

-o-

things i'd like to see:

bullets in columns

an athlete drop the championship trophy and break it

news anchors get into a fight. "you know what, Jean? You're a stupid bitch who doesn't know a god damn thing about football." "Skip, why don't you just shut the fuck up and shove it up your ass?"

a pitcher run off the mound and intentionally bean a batter with the ball -or- with a runner on 1st base, throw the ball at the runner instead of the glove.

the runner coming home from 3rd base trip on the bat lying near home plate and fall down.

a player not apologize for his improper and violent actions

a tv announcer die while on the air.

The Yankees finish in last place.

the ballboy take a screaming line-drive foul-ball right in the face.

A player or manager shove / punch an umpire; and keep arguing for dozens of minutes, delaying the game.

An angry just-beaned batter walk towards the pitcher's mound... still with bat in hand.... and eventually uses it to smash the pitcher's arm.

-o- Tuesday June 28th, 2005 -o- "cuntflaps."

Alright, as the latest gimmick and to celebrate the long-awaited purchase of plain-colored t-shirts, the next five columns will be the background of a t-shirt I bought. This project has been in the works since about 1999, when I finally got tired of wearing stupid black-colored classic rock t-shirts, which dominates my closet. Ironically, what i used to pay for one black shirt bought me 5 plain colored ones.

I got sick and tired of doing free advertising of bands, plus I don't like Metallica anymore (since have been ripped to shreds and disposed of in a Burger King trash bin), liking Areosmith is embarrassing & that shirt is destined for the rag pile. This extremely stupid looking KISS shirt was $4.25 at Target, plus my 5 Led Zeppelin shirts (a great band, but come on, I'm not in high school or college anymore and this isn't Wayne's World) then there's the Beatles, who I still like but their music is approaching 50 years old. And of course, I hate Pink Floyd now & can't wait to trash those two t-shirts. And I thank god I never bought that AC/DC shirt.

And it is embarrassing wearing t-shirts of a band... really embarrassing. And it's embarrassing to be wearing black t-shirts 359 days out of the year. Who the fuck am i.. Johnny Cash?? And for no reason, I'd like to say that movies about comic books are stupid.

"Golden Boy"

-o- Wednesday June 29th, 2005 -o- "having sex in your car!"

This is my crimson shirt... those it's a little dark, it'll be my Saturday FSU shirt. Go FSU!

Oh Kenny Rogers, you delightfully delectable camera destroying hothead, you!

"Rogers shoved two cameramen before the Rangers' game against the Los Angeles Angels on Wednesday in a videotaped tirade that included throwing a camera to the ground, kicking it and threatening to break more.

"I told you to get those cameras out of my face.'' And....

"I'll break every .... one of them,'' Rogers said before he was escorted to the clubhouse

Rogers (9-3, 2.46 ERA), who missed his last start with a broken pinkie he sustained during an outburst earlier this month, lashed out at the cameramen as they filmed him walking to the field for pregame stretching. He wasn't scheduled to pitch and was sent home by the club following the incidents.

"Kenny is having anger issues right now,'' Rangers general manager John Hart said. "I don't know what's going on inside. We're responding to something that's very unusual.''"

Haha that's great stuff! Wonder what makes a 40 year old pitcher who's having a great season go nuts like that? Of course, if I had to pitch in Arlington, TX with a piss-poor depth pitching staff, I'd be dropping cameras and punching out cameramen too.

"GM Hart said he had talked to Rogers and "Kenny obviously realizes his actions were incorrect.''

You know, just once I'd like to see a ballplayer say, "no, I don't regret my actions, I'm not sorry, I'd do it again, and those media bastards had it coming!"

We are all awaiting whether or not Rogers will be suspended. Tho I don't think he should be.

And we can talk about ethics, manners, professionalism and what's right until our asses bleed, but I'm just going to say what some of us are thinking: it was damn funny what Rogers did and the media did have it coming.

-o- Thursday June 30th, 2005 -o- "warning: game can sense your mood."

Orange-glo, anyone? This is my orange shirt.

now it's time for some sweet action.

A new segment on the column: betting on sports games. And yes, I will be gambling on baseball & sports. Gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble! But of course, I'm not betting real money, and this just purely for entertainment. And of course, all bets are made prior to games starting. And since its pointless to bet against yourself, I will use 2:1 odds. Totals from the previous day will be listed at the bottom of the column.

Today, Thur. June 30th.

$13 that the Tigers take the 3rd & last game of the series.
$3 that the Tigers win by 3 or more runs.

$2 that there will be at least one extra-inning game today.

Fri. July 1st-3rd.

$15 that the White Sox lose two out of three in Oakland -or-
$30 that the White Sox get swept in Oakland

Down The Line:

$5 that the White Sox will be 5 games out of 1st place come August 1st.

Yesterday's results: $0. Total results: $0.

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