June 2007 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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> Sunday April 1st, 2007 < �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.�

Alright, here we go again. The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name. Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly. A few thoughts on this season:

I have no idea who will win the World Series. The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest. The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees. The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it. However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season. So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th. I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season. Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out).

Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park. I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit. Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too. I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them.

Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion. I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day. Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day. But anyways, the blog is back. In conclusion:

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

> Monday April 2nd, 2007 < �Chicago Train Derailment Blues�

And now, my 2007 picks:

A.L. West
ANA
TEX
OAK
SEA

N.L. West
LAD
SD
SF
ARI
COL

* - Wild Card
ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3
ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5
ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6

NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4
NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3
NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6

WS: NYY over PHI in 6.

What is my reasoning behind this? I don�t know. Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all. All it takes is a hot streak. I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most. I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL. In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins. Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year. Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer.

And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755. The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken. Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�). I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again. And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck. Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB.

A.L. Central
CHW
DET
CLE
MIN
KC

N.L. Central
HOU
STL
MIL
CIN
CHC
PIT

A.L. East
NYY
BOS *
TOR
TB
BAL

N.L. East
PHI
NYM *
FLA
ATL
WAS

> Friday June 1st, 2007 < "Either you have an abortion, or you don't."

Has it be as it is in Mediocreland known as "Cubville", a heated fight took place in the Cubs dugout & clubhouse, with Carlos Zambrano pushing and shoving & then ultimately plummeting catcher Michael Barrett in the mouth and eyes, requiring all-around asshole-Barrett getting 6 stitches courtesy of all-around lunatic Carlos Zambrano. I've never seen a tiff that bad before between teammates. This all of course happened on a passed ball play where Barrett botched a catch on a pitch, then foolishly threw to 3rd where the ball sailed into leftfield, resulting in another Braves runner to score, which ultimately put the Braves ahead 5-1 in the top of the 5th. Then at the end of the top 5th, Zambrano pointed at his head, then Barrett pointed at the scoreboard, and a la shoving match and a cocked right fist which unfortunately Zambrano didn't land in front of the camera, which would have resulted in a lengthy suspension. You have to wonder if the Cubs should bother handing this clown $80+ million to re-sign him. Not only are his showboating and antics childish and getting on everyone's nerves, it turns out that he's a complete lunatic and isn't acting like the ace of a pitching staff with his shitty pitching. He needs anger management as well as some medication. Also needs a good ass kicking. He's a motherfucker. Plain and simple. Throw his ass out of the league. Baseball has no place for such disregard for teammates and opponents. I wouldn't feel safe in that dugout with a lunatic like Zambrano there. It's just another sad sorry chapter in the pathetic Cubs history.

> Saturday June 2nd, 2007 < "Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine defecated in the middle of the clothing store?"

Another bum: Joe Crede.

Throw his ass out of the league! Douchebag Joe Crede's back is once again hurting the team, with his terrible .220 batting average whose lusting for that big free agent contract with world-class asshole agent Scott Boras. Aging 3rd basemen with bad backs does not merit a huge contract, and should be disposed of as soon as possible. The Sox have minor leaguer Josh Fields tearing it up in the minors and should be called up as soon as possible to replace the pathetic Joe Crede. And the sorry state that the White Sox are in, having lost 6 of their last 7 games and are rotting in 4th place. The problem isn't Ozzie, it's the fucking shitty-ass Kansas City Royals-esque bullpen and the hitters are all hitting around .230. Pure shit. Start hitting. Take hours of batting practice. Stop swinging at shitty pitches. Keep your ass-head in the game. But heremost, get rid of that bum Joe Crede. He decided against surgery because he's a money-grubbing selfish motherfucker. It took him 6 years to get good, had two good seasons and now is back to his crud-self. Throw his ass out of the league!

> Sunday June 3rd, 2007 < "Jeweler: "yes it's a Woman Watch... it runs 3 hours slower per hour." "

Another turd: Taco Hell.

Tho this occurred awhile ago, overall turdfest Taco Bell discontinued their delicious and only edible food item of the .99 cent 1/2 lb. El Bean Burrito Especial due to extremely low profit margin on the item. We all know Taco Hell makes unedible food. The chicken is tough and flavorless, the cheese is waxy and flat, the steak is greasy and has no flavor, and the ground beef is gritty and consists of donkey & rat meat. But the Bean Burrito was good. I re-created it, using a 6" flour tortilla that had to be eaten more like a soft taco than a burrito, heated up refried beans from a can, put on finely diced sweet onion, two lines of red taco sauce, some Mexican cheese blend and then about 3 to 4 spoonfuls of refried beans. Fucking tasty. Simple, yet satisfying and mostly healthy.

> Monday June 4th, 2007 < "Ingrown Cerebrum Inc: Promoting illiteracy and ignorance since 1967"

young Billy: "That's a nice t-shirt you're wearing there."

young Joey: "Yeah my dad bought it for me!"

young Billy reading: 'World's Worst Son'.

> Tuesday June 5th, 2007 <   "Bill Daultrive: "I'm a retard, Hank.""

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> Wenesday June 6th, 2007 < "Faultco: making more problems than solutions since 1976."

"Yup. Yup it's me again! Hey, hey look at me! Here I am, driving in my car while talking on my cell phone again! Yeah! Don't I look so cool?? No I do NOT look like a stupid turd! I mean can you believe it, I'm here talking to you while driving AGAIN! I know! Wow! I'm so cool and talented! Wow and I'm like totally not paying attention to the road! Yup. Yup. Uh huh. Yes I do enjoy my scrawny mustache! Yes, so very much. Oh wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn at me. OH! Oh he's giving me the finger, and shouting obscenities and stuff. Something about "green means go" or something. Yeah I'm at an intersection. I know! I'm like totally talking to you on the cell phone while I'm sitting here at the intersection! I mean I know! Isn't it great??? I don't know how people lived before cell phones. I swear I'm on this thing 22 hours a day. I can't even remember the last time I actually saw a traffic light. I usually just move when I feel like it. Yes I know! Me too! This is so fun! Talking and talking and talking and driving and driving and driving! So what do you want to talk about? Talking about talking on the phone while driving?? Awesome!!! I just arrived at the restaurant, so you're going to have to speak louder! I love talking too! Uh huh! Uh huh! Wait, wait, wait, hold on, there's some rude person who keeps asking me to order something. Very, very rude! How rude! I know! I can't stand how rude and self-absorbed people are! Yes I did watch 'American Idol' last night! Oh I know!!! Greatest show EVER. Uh huh. Uh huh! Yeah! I love this phone!!!!"

> Thursday June 7th, 2007 < "riddle: What do you get, when you have a decent host and no script? SNL!"

cashier: "And your total comes to $325.13."
parent: "For 5 toys????"
cashier: "...and with tax it comes to...."
parent. "Oh, no! Screw this crap. I ain't paying $325 for children's toys! We got a nice white wall that they can stare at. We're leaving."

This advertisement was brought to you by the National Anti-Oil Reliance Counsel. Our goal is to cease production use of petroleum on all children's toys & soda bottles, and return to glass containers. As for the children, that's their problem. They can fend for themselves.

> Friday June 8th, 2007 < "Do it! Everyone's doing it!!!'"

Kim: "That's an interesting top you're wearing, Boobs. "

Boobs: "Hmmm?"

Kim reading outloud: " 'World's Loudest Wife' ."

> Saturday June 9th, 2007 < "Always with the salt and pepper."

News anchorwoman Sandy: "The Crookfield Zoo had a birthday party today for one of their heaviest residents... "

News anchorman Dolph: "...your mother?"

News anchorwoman Sandy: "... Goldy the Elephant turned 27 years old today. My that's a big elephant!"

News anchorman Dolph: "You say 'elephant', I say 'piano keys'."

News anchorwoman Sandy: "Very unprofessional, Dolph."

> Sunday June 10th, 2007 < "No fingers in my Wendy's chili, oh yeaaaaaaaaaaah!!"

Dolph Rudager's Sunday Baseball Column
Associated Press

CHICAGO - Recently Minnesota Twins second-baseman Luis Castillo's consecutive games streak without an error came to an end Wednesday. He dropped a throw from shortstop Jason Bartlett on a force play, which ended the streak at 143 games without an error. It was also 20 more games than Ryne Sandberg's errorless streak at 2nd base. Whatever the reason for the error, it shows complete lack and utter respect for baseball; that a man, being paid millions of dollars; more than most people will make in their whole lifetimes; suddenly lost concentration at his job which he has to work a full 3 hours a day for roughly 130 times a year. Poor baseball player. Yeah a UPS driver loses concentration for a few seconds, and then there's car pile ups and dead people lying all over the place. The fact of the matter is that Luis Castillo is too bored with his cushy job, and can't even perform the simplest of tasks. Throw his lazy ass out of the league. That kind of insolence has no place in baseball.

Recently Kansas City Royals rookie third-baseman Alex Gordon snapped a 1-for-24 slump with a 4-for-4 game against Cleveland on Thursday. His average is now at .190 and has never been over .195, but yet Royals manager Buddy Bell says Alex Gordon has never even been close to being shipped back to the minor leagues. Lots of mediocrity being tolerated in Kansas City, where even the shittiest player lingers. They've been contently in last place for years, and they start guys who wouldn't even be on any other team's Class-A ball clubs. Of course Buddy Bell was a mediocre ballplayer, so it's fitting they hired him as manager to foresee such a 'thriving' club. Of course any sensible person would designate the Kansas City Royals to be a Triple-A ball club and promote some other minor league team to the majors, perhaps the Portland Beavers. One major leaguer said "If we lose to the Royals, we lose our pay for that game." Yeah you better.

Recently Major League catcher Hink Hall was ejected from a game Monday night in the 8th inning, after slamming his bat on home plate and throwing his batting helmet after popping up a pitch, then continued to argue with the umpire as he walked back and stood in the dugout. "The Umpire is a big stupid fucking asshole," says Hall. The League, however, didn't find it amusing, and suspended Hink Hall for a game. Hall showed up to the league's office and protested. Hall: "I said, 'No way, man. Fuck you, man. I'm doing what I want to. I ain't serving no suspension when the umpire was being a fuckhead. I'm playing and you can't stop me. I'm going to do what I want to do; fuck personnel. Fuck you, man.' "

How did the League respond to that? Hall: "They said they would take action as necessary. Fuck them."

What happened next was truly unprecedented. Hink Hall showed up to the ballpark, got dressed and worked out with the team and took batting practice, and suited up for the game. When Hink Hall noticed his name wasn't in the lineup card, he immediately screamed and scratched out the backup catcher's & lead-off�s name and wrote in his at the lead-off spot. Then it was game time, and Hink walked up to the plate, batting helmet on head and bat in hand. The umpire, wise to the suspension, he ordered Hink to get off the field. Hink wasn't too happy with that.

Hink Hall: "I told him that I wasn't putting up with the fucking bullshit that the League did with me, and that I was playing."

Then the umpire tried to physically remove Hink Hall from the field, only to be met with a violent and confrontational Hink Hall. Hink started screaming, began swinging the bat with full-force back and forth like he was fending off a rabid dog, eventually threw his batting helmet & bat at the umpire, screamed some more, picked up some dirt and threw it in the umpire's face, unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his pants and proceeded to urinate all over the newly blinded umpire.

"You have no idea how many beers it took to do that," Hall says. The League however, was not amused at this complete display of disrespect and were considering throwing him out of the League. But Hink Hall says "That ain't gonna happen. I can afford the most expensive lawyer on the planet and the Union will fight and defeat any punishment."

So there you have it: Hink Hall: justice style. Any other last words before you suit up for tonight's game? Hall: "In the end, the water will win over all." Um, what does that mean? "It means that no matter how many piers, drains, hills or mountains man builds, eventually the water will come and devour everything over."

That's kind of pessimistic. "That's what the Old Lord told me.," said Hink Hall.

Um, okay. This has been Dolph Rudager, reporting.

> Monday June 11th, 2007 < "Joanie Loves Penis"

Bobby whose crying: "nooooooooooooo I don't want to go to Canada!"

mother: "i TOLD you, if you kept being bad, you'd end up in Can-a-da!"

Bobby: "Noooooooooo....."

mother: "yes"

Bobby: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo.................."

mother: "yes"

Bobby: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..."

mother: "oh yes. Can-a-da."

Somewhere else in another town....

mother: "Billy, you know what happens to little boys who don't eat their green beans and carrots?"

Billy: ".....no."

mother: "They end up in Can-a-da!"

Billy: "No!"

mother: "Yes."

Billy: "Nooooooooooo.....!"

mother: "Yes."

Billy: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo........."

mother: "Yes. Can-a-da."

Billy: "I don't want to watch curling and hockey!!!"

mother: "Then eat those vegetables."

Billy: **gobbles them up immediately**

Somewhere else in another providence....

Canadian: "Yoo're in Can-a-da."

Mikey: "Nooooooooooooooo!"

Canadian: "Yes."

Mikey: "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Canadian: "Well that's whatja get for canceling 'Andy Richter Controls the Un-i-verse' !"

Mikey: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"

Voice-over: "Can-a-da."

> Tuesday June 12th, 2007 < "Oh yeah? Well you're just too busy being oldddddddddddd!!"

The May 2007 edition of the Untitled Daily Column Project has been archived and can be found on clicking the floating brown ball with the white arrow pointing to the right.

In response to being tortured by numerous blogs about "Lost" episodes, the following will be about season 3, episode 2 of "Hell's Kitchen", single handedly the greatest June-July replacement in the history of time. Eddie was eliminated. There, gave the spoiler nice and prompt. Eddie was the one who looked & sounded like he was in Jr. High. Eddie also couldn't cook worth a shit and was on the show solely based on his literal boy looks. Right now the teams are in the boys vs girl format, which will eventually change once enough of a gender get booted.

Tho it seems like I'm watching the same exact episode every year. Every cast has the fat and out of shape person; who has no business working 21 hour days in a hotter-than-hell kitchen. Then there's always a freak, a bitch who will backstab everyone, throw in a few two-faced lying assholes, one with a temper, and the rest being shitty-ass "cooks" who don�t belong even near a mircowave, let alone competing for a World-Class restaurant.

As for episode 2, once again they did the fish skinning thing (stupid women won that task by 1 fish, which is complete bullshit because there's no way that should have happened, and in case you haven't noticed, every single time the women "win" the task so Ramsay can hang around some tits and ass for a few hours). I don't think Ramsay likes to hang around men for a few hours while listening to American men say "Soccer sucks" over and over. Rumors have it that Ramsay has fucked prior female contestants, but I haven't bothered to look into that.

Anyways, as for the men's team dinner service, I can't understand why or how they fucked up so badly. They fucked up so badly they only ended up serving like 9 or 22 of their 50 table's entrys, and in utter shame, Ramsay kicked them out of the kitchen and the girl team had to finish it. Eddie eliminated, and so ends another day in Hell's Kitchen. Next week apparently there's an incident where the ambulance comes, Ramsay is screaming "YOU FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE!!" with a male chef (looks like Josh) running into the dining room. If there's a way to kill someone with beef wellington or spaghetti, I'd like to hear it.

Fucking SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!

> Wednesday June 13th, 2007 < "Every Damn Thing She Does is Smartassed"

Since apparently somebody put a hex on the White Sox (it wasn't me) Here are some ways Sox can improve from this losing baseball:

move the fences in 100 feet when they're batting then bring that back and raise it 30 feet when pitching.
remove 2nd and 3rd bases
screw two bats together for twice the range
move the mound 30 feet closer to home plate when pitching and 80 feet back when they're hitting. Field will look like the railroads.
start the game with a reliever, get their shittiness out of the way, then bring in the starters around the 3rd or 4th inning. Yeah you'll still give up the runs from the bullpen, but at least the Sox would have more time to catch up. Of course that only works if you're hitting. Which of course they�re not.
change the team colors and logo.

Via instant championship!

> Thursday June 14th, 2007 < "Defecation Deffffffff eeeeee caaaaaaaa tionnnnnnnnn"

Sox can't lose today because of the off day. You can't put on it the boarrrrrrrrd yes!

Yuck who the hell eats cottage cheese with fruit??

Only lesbians like Tina Fey. I can't put it any other way. I just can't.

My new baseball trademark catch-phrase for the Cubs when something good happens, like a win or a run scoring or a basehit or getting an opposing team out: "That�s a shame. A damn, damn shame."

Rachael Ray's philosophy to get through life is "when you're not busy eating bacon and other non-bacon foods, you must be chain-drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee and chain-smoking Marlboro Reds. Otherwise it's just Yawn-City."

Tuesday night's White Sox game in Philadelphia: "Thatta boy, Uribe! 0-for-4! You keep shooting for .199! Throw his ass out of the league!"

Apparently Illinois is now a desert, with its 90 degree day high temps and its 50 degree nighttime lows and its weeks of no rain & annual droughts. I'm going to be planting some cactuses (or 'cacti' as by some fuckers) in the front yard and putting down sand & woodchips.

An online betting site has ceased all bets on the TV show "Hell�s Kitchen 3", due to suspicious betting patterns on one particular contestant. Apparently the show's production company employees have been placing bets with the knowledge of the results against other people, and have accurately predicted every single winner. This also happened apparently on the last 2 seasons of "Survivor" with 100% accuracy.

Another tasty snack idea: de-salted pretzel rods with Philadelphia cream cheese. Basically sawed off the salt with a butter knife while standing the pretzel upright and scraping up and down quickly for a few seconds while rotating. Why the fuck do they put all that salt on there anyway?!

> Friday June 15th, 2007 < "everybody poops but me."

Teenager #1: **snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. snorrrrrrrt**

Teenager #2: "Dude, you have to be like the only person in the Universe who snorts up their daily multi-vitamin. You can just pop the damn thing, you know."

Teenager #1: "Hand me that rubber hose over there, I gonna shoot up this Vitamin C pill."

Teenager #2: "Unbelievable."

> Saturday June 16th, 2007 < "You know, I think this teeth-whitening toothpaste is making my teeth yellower..."

I don't know. I felt like doing the blog in this color, 'cause it feels hotter than hell outside. Reminds me of the temperature colors on a weather map: red being 90s, orange 80s, yellow 70s, light green 60s, and so on and so forth. If only there was a way to make the blog color change like when the temperature did; a la mood ring of sorts. I'm sure it would require a lot of fancy scripts and hours of writing. But who demands such absurdity? Not I. Or maybe just the text would change color. Or something. I've toyed with the idea of putting a temp / weather map thing on here. Of course it would only slow down an already slow loading page.

In other news, the White Sox won in Pittsburgh today, 6-1, thus breaking their traditional "1 win per week" pattern.

"Wait a minute! The team won! What do we do??? I'm confused!! I'm supposed to feel how?? Happy? Not sad or deflated?? You're kidding me! And this is a 'good' thing?? Really? No shit!"

I had forgotten what it's like to watch the White Sox win a game. It was shocking to watch, to say the least.

> Sunday June 17th, 2007 < "**spits** you know the 50 pounds of weight I lost wasn't actually fat, but it was phlegm. **spits**"

Control
By D. Rudager

I don't know how to control you
I tried words
I tried tarot cards
I tried voo-doo

I tried drugs
I tried lies
I tried hypnosis
I tried hugs

I don't know how to control you
I tried prayer
I tried electric shock therapy
I tried stew

I don't know how to control you.
What will you do
When I'm not controlling you?

END 6/19/07

> Monday June 18th, 2007 < " 'Sexy at any size' is an oxymoron."

Day 3 of Hell's Kitchen. Fat Asian Cowboy Aaron collapses and gets hauled off to the hospital (stupid promo gave the impression it was a diner) and cannot return to Hell's Kitchen due to health problems (just like last year to another contestant) and that backstabbing bitch Joanna "I'll fucking fuck anyone over to win this thing" got booted for apparently not noticing for over an hour that the container of crab food at her station had gone rancid and Ramsay repeatedly kept screaming "YOU KILLED SOMEONE!" even tho it never left the kitchen. That's a pretty bad mistake. Stupid bitch was too arrogant to even look at Chef Ramsay after getting caught.

And of course, the Women's team lost because they just flat out sucked. Jen decided to throw away some pasta that was lying around, then when found out that it was needed, she inexplicably pulled it out of the top of the trash, washed it and stuck it in boiling water. Of course waffle-girl Julia saw this and didn't allow this pasta to get served. Sure it was a shortcut, but very disturbing. The Women's team was basically flawless the night before, won the challenge task in the beginning of the show AGAIN; spent the day in a helicopter while the men peeled like 2 tons of potatoes & onions, courtesy of the U.S. Army (thank god those assholes stopped calling my house). The men had to run in and out and carry these huge sacks of onions & potatoes from the truck to inside, and fucking peel the fuckers all day long. Tedious bullshit.

I have to wonder if these punishments are gender-bias, because the looks of these women, they're smaller than the sacks themselves, and pretty much would have crushed their spines in half had they put them on their shoulders like the men did. The challenge was to serve breakfast to the U.S. Army & Navy (segregated, of course). The women won that while the men botched breakfast, and Julia had to come in and help them finish. After the Hell's Kitchen staff got their usual 3 minutes of sleep the night before, a couple of military guys with horns kicked the doors down in the dorm and started screaming "WAKE UP!!!" and blowing their horns. It was actually pretty funny, scaring the absolute shit and annoying the shit out of the same people who will be cooking your breakfast. And there's your Hell's Kitchen season 3, episode 3 written completely in backwards format.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.

> Tuesday June 19th, 2007 < "piss on that!"

Don't Look At Me
By: Dolph Rudager

I move the things around in my room,
In the place where I want them
I hang up my degree on the wall
I sit down and the people I wait for them

I don't carrrrrrre, I donnnnn't carrrrrrre...
The building, has 18 violations
The people say it�s in a bad location
It's gonna be hard to leave when rush hour comes

It's too busy to be listening to people's problems
It makes my life more complicated
I have my own things, that I need to deal with
I need to go get intoxicated.

I don't knooooooow, I donnnn't knooooow....
I don't care what the sign says on the door
I don't want to hear about your problems
You say "but what are you a psychiatrist for?"

I ran out and quit my profession
I needed some time to go clear out
I did some writing and made a book
People are gonna know, what it�s about

It's not fairrrrrr, it's not fairrrrrrrrrr....
The book sold and I'm a celebrity
It's gonna make my life harder for me
It�s gonna make me a whole bunch of money.

I went on talk shows and store gigs
I flew around and signed the books
I'm freaking out and the stress is too much
I can't handle all the stares and looks

Don't loooooook at meeee, donnnnnn't look at meeee....
Now I have a coke addiction,
It�s gonna create more problems for me
It�s gonna harder, to get admiration.

It took some time and it�s all done
I went and spent my money on stamp collections
I got hungry and went to the store
Now I have no money, so I applied for a job occupation

I'm the janitorrrrrrr, I'm the jannniiiitorrrrrrrr....
I'm too busy with cleaning up your stuff
I don't like you people bothering me
Too many people looking at me; I�ll never get done.

END 6/19/07

> Wednesday June 20th, 2007 < "I just, I just, I just... oh I don't know. I just, I just want to punch a dolphin!!!!!"

announcer: "Ladies and gentleman, the band 'The Dennis McNamara Polka Explosion'!!!"

**audience applauds**

audience member shouting: "Whose Dennis??? Where's Dennis???!!"

Dolph Rudager: "I'm sorry, but Dennis couldn't be here today. He has an appointment out drinking at the Bar. The name of this song is 'Cocksucker Blues'." **band plays**

Dolph: "The name of this song is 'Don't Look At Me'."

audience member shouting: "Talking Heads rip-off!!!"

Dolph: **nervously** "no...."

audience member shouting: "RipOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!"

**band plays song**

Dolph: "Ok, now we're going to butcher a couple of classics, 'Train Kept A Rollin' All Night Long' and 'Drinking Muddy Water'." **hits the wrong blues note**

Dolph: **continues to play all the wrong notes**

Dolph: "ne ne ne ne ne, I caught the train, I met a dame, She was a hipster, well and a real cool dame. She was petty, from New Jersey City, well and we fucked on uh, uh something something, with a heave and the ho, well I just couldn't uh, let her um, go."

another audience member shouting: "You guys SUCK!"

Dolph: "I will pull this band off this stage RIGHT NOW. **deals with headache** "Ah fuckin' bloody 'ell."

another audience member shouting: "You're not British!!!"

Dolph: "Alrgiht, we've disbanded and reunited and we're now a Ramones cover-band. 1-2-3-4! Hey daddy-o, I don-t want to go down, to the basement, stuff down there, don't wanna go. 1-2-3-4! Pig slop! I lift some morrrrrrre, pig slop! My obvious faulllllllltttttttttt."

audience member shouting: "Those arent the lyrics to "Listen To My Heart"!!!"

Dolph: "It's not MY fault I can't understand Joey Ramone half the time!!"

**audience mumbling**

Dolph: "Okay, this is a shout-out to Dave Matthews of the Dave Matthews Band. Dave, you REALLY need to lay off the pot. Seriously. Lay off....the pot. Stop it. Just stop it. It's making you fat and bald and the world does not need another love song to "Mary Jane", okay? Alright! Now we�re gonna cover a Led Zeppelin song." **band plays something**

audience member looks around: "Is that Led Zeppelin or a lawn mower?"

Dolph: **falsetto caterwauling** "Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooehhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......."

Dolph: "Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkk......" **uses bow on guitar**

audience member: "This is unlistenable."

END

> Thursday June 21st, 2007 < "I'm still shittin' out Arby's"

6th graders running outside in a field.

Girl falls down: "AHHHHHHHHHHH I've fallen!!! **gets trampled on** Stop running me!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" **continues to get trampled on**

Boy: "Get up and walk it off, you dumb broad!"

> Friday June 22nd, 2007 <   "the FUCK I CAN'T! oh wait, I can."

Mom now excited: "Hey look, Julie! Julie!!! Look! LOOK!!!!   A runaway pony in our backyard! It's ours!!! Do you want it???"
Julie: "A pony? Are you kidding me? Are you from the 1950s or something?

somewhere in another town�s parking lot....

guy: "C'mon let's go raise some HELL!"
dude: "What are you, from the 1950s??"

somewhere in another town's school's bleachers....

student: "C'mon football team! Rah rah rah rah! Let's go, school! Go SCHOOL!!! RAH RAH RAH RAH!"
another student: "Will you sit the fuck down and shut up??!   What are you, from the 1950s??"

> Saturday June 23rd, 2007 < "The stench of dead pig fat crackling in a stew of its own liquidified fatness"

Darin Erstad wasted no time getting back to the DL, re-injuring his ankle in the 1st inning of Friday's Cubs / Sox game in his 1st game back since severely spraining it in Toronto. Gee, I love it when the Sox get old and broken down players. And the fucking Sox lost again on Saturday, 2-1 in the 9th, giving them their latest 21st loss in 26 games and a catastrophic 5-16 June record. Last in hitting, worst bullpen. Blow up the team! Just trade everyone and start over. I'm not even going to bother watching Sunday's game. At least we�ll have the excitement of trades going on.

"Yeah you see our centerfielder? The reason why we drafted him is because he ran hard to 1st base in Little League that one time."

> Sunday June 24th, 2007 < " **fondly** You truly are King of Dumbass."

You can't beat fun at the old ballpark: Minor League Baseball means Minor League fun
By Dolph Rudager
Associate Press

RIVERSIDE - Yeah, these days Minor League ballparks have it all for the whole family: constant loud annoying music, side shows & acts in-between innings, a swimming pool for the family to cool off in, rock climbing, basketball courts, arcades for the teens, children playgrounds, picnic areas and everything thing imaginable to distract the fan from actually being forced to watch the baseball game.

"It's all about bringing the family to the ballpark," says Sandy McCook, President of the Riverside Beavers.

You mean "the mall with a baseball diamond slapped on as an afterthought. Boy if I had a nickel for every time I read about Minor League baseball. Man, what an expression."

Sandy: "A what?"

Yeah, god forbid should anyone actually have to be subjected to "watching" a baseball game. The cruelty. The indignity. The horror.

"yeah, I'd feel great if I were a Minor League baseball player; being the secondary attraction at the ballpark."

Yeah, I might tell some fans to go "fuck off" while I spat in their $7 slushie or completely ignore autograph requests, and tell them "oh I'm too distracted by the sweat on my arms from playing baseball that's soon to be washed off in the shower to sign you an autograph. I hope you weren't too distracted by our baseball game today to enjoy your modern ADD lifestyle."

Remember when going to a Minor League baseball park actually meant WATCHING a Minor League baseball game? Unfortunately, thanks to today's Super Slut / Tramp-O / Faux-Discipline Mothers who treat the world & the ballpark as more of a child day care center than a place of business. They'll just let little Junior & Junette jump up and down and scream as loud as they please, completely ignoring the courtesy of others and just smile and say, "They�re just kids. They're having FUN!!!!"

While my cries for them to side down so I could see the game were completely ignored, a kid seated near me did hear me.

"Maybe the game of baseball isn't worth watching at all, doofus!!!" screams little Billy as he sucks down another 64 oz Cherry Blaze slushie.

"How would you like a fist to the mouth and a foot to the ass, Billy?," as I retorted.

Ah another piece of Americana shot down to Hell.

END

Inspiration for this satire piece was found here: New Omaha ballpark could feature other pastimes

> Monday June 25th, 2007 <   "IDIOT Training 10,000 hours $10.00 per hour. apply at : IDIOT Training P.O. 324 Stupid.Ave 53020"

Gym teacher Cox: "OK! We're going to play a game of kickball, and the whole point of the game....and life..... is to separate the winners from the losers!!!"

**2nd graders mumble**

Gym teacher Cox: "OK! This half will be the Red Team, and this half will be the Blue Team! Begin!"

**time passes and the Red Team wins 7-3**

Gym teacher Cox: "OK! Blue Team are the LOSERS!!! As losers, you now shall go stand over by that wall and face towards it, and rest your forehead on it for the rest of the class!"

Gym teacher Cox: "OK! Red team, we are now going to find out who is the worst of the best!!"

Kid: "What a stupid game. It doesn�t prove anything."

Gym teacher Cox: "You questioned authority! That makes you a loser!!! Go stand by the wall! OK! Now we're all going to stand on one leg. Go!"

**kid falls down**

Gym teacher Cox standing on one leg: "You fell down! That makes you a loser!!! You're now a loser in life!! Everybody keep standing on one leg!"

Another kid: "Oh god...."

Gym teacher Cox standing on one leg: "You lack enthusiasm! And that makes you a loser!!! Go stand by the wall! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, I'll say it again: 'the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making other people feel worse!' "

Yet another kid: "You're a joke."

Gym teacher Cox standing on one leg: "You have desecrated the sanctified sanctity of my professional employment occupation! That makes you a loser!!!! Go stand by the wall!! Advice for those remaining, keep standing on one leg!!"

**times passes and the remaining 2nd graders fall down**

Gym teacher Cox: "Yes. YES!! I'm the winner!! Yes! **points** And that means you're all LOSERS!!!! **does victory parade around gym** **pumps fists** Meee!! Me!! Meeee! Winner!!   Meee! Meee!!"

Principal Flackman walks by & notices & walks into the gym: "Cox! Get over here!! What the hell are you doing?!!"

Gym teacher Cox shouting: "I have separated the winners from the losers!"

Principal Flackman: "Cox! What the hell is wrong with you?! They're just kids! You're an asshole! You're fired!"

Gym teacher Cox: "UGH!" **walks away**

Principal Flackman: "Yes. Yes!   That makes ME the winner! Yes!   Yes! Me! Me!   Meeeeeee! **begins victory parade around gym** Meeeeeee!   Meeeeeeeee! Me = winner! I'm the winner! **pumps fists** I fired the lowly gym teacher!   Meeeeeee! I'm winner!!    Me!! Winner!!"

END

> Tuesday June 26th, 2007 <   "So as you can clearly see, 'healthy' was not considered in this recipe at all."

"Day 4 of Hell�s Kitchen. The morning challenge was the palette test, which basically is a blind-folded / ear-folded taste test of sets of 3 random foods. Some of the answers: potato >>> hard boiled egg yoke. mango >>> pear. scallop >>> lobster. Are you fucking kidding me??    Men lose AGAIN 5-3, for the 3rd straight time. Punishment to prep both kitchens and eat some nasty shit to prep up their palettes, like pig's feet & tongue, cow's tongue, hearring, some other gross shit that looked like dark Jello. So now Chef Ramsay is cocking it up with the hens on a dining outing for their victory, which included being served & eating in the dark (so fucking stupid).

Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy for Chef Ramsay rage! Man one "fuck" after the other. "You're screwing your fucking selves up!" Ah, poor little dumb blonde Bonnie, gettin' screamed probably louder than any other person has in her short lifetime.   Chef Ramsay finds Vinnie's expensive beef wellington scrap pile of burned up meat (and there's a LOT of it there in the bin; at least a dozen, and that�s like $30 to $50+ of food right there) and the Chef is pleading "oh fuck me senseless.".

The customers decide the fate of which team is better via filling out forms. Lots of cussing, Chef Ramsay is so pissed off and soooooo stressed out.
Red Team and Blue Team: 65% failed to get food out. Well this is a first, one from each team was nominated. Rock nominated Josh. Jen nominated Melissa. OH!   Chef Ramsay did NOT like their nominations! They have been over-ruled! Ah Bonnie and Vinnie, step forward. Vinnie eliminated! Back to Brooklyn, Vinnie. "Time-a for you-a to open up-a a pizzeria!"

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!

> Wednesday June 27th, 2007 < "'Oh yeah? Why don't you go star on "ER", loser!'"

"NBA has agreed to a new eight-year, $7.4 billion television rights agreement with ESPN/ABC and Turner Broadcasting System, with the amount of television coverage consistent with the current agreement, but giving all the TV rightsholders new, expansive digital rights. the NBA will receive a total of $930 million annually, up from the $766 million it currently receives. That includes distributing content on ESPN MobileTV, ESPNU, ESPN podcasts, ESPN Radio, ESPN.com, ESPN360, ESPN International, and ESPN Deportes, in addition to ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, and the networks� respective high definition channels."

What does this mean? It means there will be more options to ignore the NBA. Seriously, what has the NBA done to deserve more money? It's ratings are like the lowest ever; at least in the modern era. Here's a clue: people don't like athletes who come straight out of high school to the professional league. They don't like thug players; they like well-educated skilled players. And another thing, raising the hoop to 11 feet would do wonders.

I think that�s a capital idea. Capital!

> Thursday June 28th, 2007 < "It's diarrhea! and it's everywhere!!"

There are a few things that continuously irk me about sports memorabilia. The biggest one of them all is inaccuracies to reproductions. I don't know what's wrong with the people in charge of these things; either they don't care, they're lazy, they're not particularly bright or their real job is answering the phone or filing T.P.S. reports. Or it's some snot-nosed pimply-face summer intern who got this shit dumped on them. My god, in this day in the Internet, 2007, where you can pretty much find an image of anything in sports since trading cards were invented. It's not that hard to find an era photograph. Newspapers have archives up the ass. Call the fucking team and have them snap a pic or three. Then there's the New Era Cap Company & Mitchell and Ness. They "claim" to have accurate replicas, but they are full of shit.

Some of the most butchered up mistakes I've seen have been with the first two Seattle Mariners caps; getting the first Trident M wrong, and ignoring line and width detail on the '81-'86 cap. They'll cheat with the early 1970s yellow Pirates caps by sticking the current P on there. I've also seen variations of the Indians 1954 caps, varying red wishbone-C & Chief Wahoo; cheating by using the current version. The red & orange Astros caps of the 1970s have some serious off-color issues. Or they'll do other stupid shit like adding white outlines to white front paneled cap logos when there was no such thing, such as the Brewers '78-'85 road royal & yellow, Expos pinwheel cap of '69-'91 & the Blue Jays '77-'93. Of course the biggest offensive one of them all, are the '73-'79 & '80-'84 San Diego Padres brown caps with yellow front triangle panel. It's just...unbelievable. The same, almost identical hat was around for 12 seasons, hundreds, if not thousands were made, and nobody can replicate the fucking thing right?? Let me break this down into terms that's idiot-proof:

There was only ONE interlocking SD logo. And it's NOT the larger squared S-serifed 1980-'84 batting practice jersey version. And I've seen so many altercations. Too big, too small, not wide enough, extra S, too sharp corner angles, too thick, too thin, not even being close to being replicated.
The '73-'79 version had a yellow button. I have yet to see this replicated.
Orange was added in 1980. Orange eyelids, orange button, and solid orange line seperating the yellow from the brown. None of this thread-thin zig-zag bullshit.
And the most crucial part, the cap's unique panel curve. Replications have all failed; making it too big, not curving it sharp enough, (some didn't even bother; total straight-lined) too much on the top & not extending its edges. Come on, there's tons of close ups of these caps.

I refuse to shell out any money for these shitty-ass replications that are "shoved on the shelve as quickly as possible". Retro ballcaps have been made widely since at least 1994, and even in the mid 1980s by defunct Roman. Come ON.

And for the love of god, Newbie, when you have two/tri toned caps, use clear vinyl stitching! Dark stitching over light fabric looks like shit. And I still can't believe we can't get a pic of the 1974 Houston Astros experiment uniform with horizontal stripes with white star and white cap w/ shooting A that was used late in the season & then altered for the next season's "Tequila Sunrise" uniforms. Come ON.

> Friday June 29th, 2007 < "I don't have much poop to give."

At least we'll never have to hear about Frank Thomas again. 500th HR.

On Thursday, the happiest day of Frank Thomas's life, he hobbled to the plate, kept together by Elmer's glue, masking tape and boogers, and hit his 500th in Minnesota. What's remarkable about this is how unremarkable it truly is. To give some perspective, it took roughly 110 years to get to year 1987 to get 14 guys with 500 homeruns. Since then there have been 8 guys who reached 500 HRs, with possibly 2 more as well this season, if not next. Thomas really only had two full seasons where it was still the pitcher's era, that ending after the 1992 season, before two rounds of expansion deluded pitchers as well as tiny ballparks opening left and right. It's just not as special as he makes it out to be. 500 doesn't mean as much as it did in 1990, as much as Frank "me first / ooo statistics" Thomas would like to think.

My bitterness towards Frank Thomas formed in the late 90s. I can simply list the reasons:

Started barking at umpires in the late 90s when the strike zone was changed from height to a lowered horizontal zone
Began complaining about his once-generous contract when he signed before the huge contract explosion. Made various threats and the Sox re-negotiated his contract; which they didn�t have to do at all
Hit-then a career low in '98 hit 82 points worse when it was obvious his failing marriage & that he couldn't keep his private life from interfering with his professional life
The ridiculous notion of preferring to DH at the age of 29 from 1st base, when stats clearly showed he was better while playing the field
Spring Training walk outs / media boycotts
Obsessed with own stats / me-first attitude
Spent most of '01, '04 & '05 on the bench, collecting 10's of millions of dollars while having a sub-par '03, and was striking out more
It's up to debate whether Thomas selfishly hurt his team with drawing so many walks; hence the lack of RBI's / runners being moved up. That put a lot of pressure on the guys hitting behind him and Thomas was left stranded. In 1995, he scored 62 times minus 40 HRs and walked 136 times
Was never a team player or a team leader

These are the kind of reasons why I didn�t like him as a White Sox fan. He was just not the admirable type. I don't care if you can hit the ball well or throw fast, but if you're gonna be a self-absorbed robot with issues & hide injuries, well to hell with you. It seemed like the only time he ever had fun is when hit a homerun, which record books fueled his ego. I don't give a shit if he's the best hitter in White Sox history. Homeruns are overrated. Pitching and defense wins games. Walking with the bases empty and two outs & you're the best hitter on the team is bullshit, especially when you steal zero bases. So now Thomas can finally sleep at night, for the first time in years; probably his life. Rumor has it he's already booked the airline tickets to Cooperstown for the ceremony.

> Saturday June 30th, 2007 < "I shot Bambi's mother."

There is no column today due to lack of beets.

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