March 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project

Free counter

/\ Monday August 1st, 2005 /\ "divide and conquer."

Day 20: 380. The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There -- 417. The Beatles - Things We Said Today

I was watching an old episode of "Home Improvement" yesterday.

**Randy is hanging out with his girlfriend in the den, but decides to enter the Taylor kitchen where mother Jill is folding laundry**

Mother Jill (with slight Texas accent): "What's the matter, Randy, don't yew like yer cute
lil girrrrl frah�end over there?"

Randy: "But mommmmmmmmm, she doesn't have a penis!"

Tim enters from garage: "Hey who wants to do some lines in the hot rod?? Hahahahaha!"

Brad: "I have to go stand outside an' stand around an' wait while my hair grows longer."

Mark enters room: �I�m going to do something strange, like bark at a wall and marry a 40 year old woman.�

Jill: �Mark, what the hell�� **Mark exits front door**

Tim enters from the garage again: �Hey who wants to do some lines on the souped-up lawn mower�s new chrome finish?? Hahahahahaha!�

Brad re-enters from being outside: �Hey, I�m gonna go stand outside and look at the soccer ball an� think about how I�m going to college to play soccer an� nothing else.�

And then I changed the channel. And then I said to myself,

"there sure are a lot of lesbians in this auto insurance commercial."

-o-
Yesterday's results: $0. Today's result: $-5. Total results: $7.

/\ Tuesday August 2nd, 2005 /\ "sure what the fuck: "Howard Dean for President in '08."

Day 21: --

Two longhairs are headbanging while attending a rock concert. Suddenly they pause and actually listen to the music.

singer: "Swha-deeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt! Omga no dah, Blap gonda! Wet speed explooooooooooooooode!"

Two longhairs: **stare in disbelief**

singer: "Teee An Tee!" (arf...arf....arf...) Teen Fan Blee! (arf...arf...arf..) Tea Gland Pee! (arf....arf..) Mmmgah flower loaddddddd (arf..) speegah dooooooooooooo!"

longhair # 1: "hey, what the fuck are we doing at an AC/DC concert??"
longhair # 2: "man, we really fucked up big time!"

singer: **clears throat** **clears throat again** �speck-a-leeva-crew-winnabeg-shrump-ga-doooooo!� **loud music starts again & fans begin cheering loudly**

longhair # 2. "let's leave."

longhair # 1. "Wait! I heard this riff during a car commercial! Oh wait... that was for an Apple computer."

**longhairs leave.**

END

/\ Wednesday August 3rd, 2005 /\ "The Catania Diet: million$ in the making."

Day 22: --

Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script. Inspiration for this came from a scene I saw on "Everybody Loves Raymond" tonight, where I took an actual moment, and made it up from there. Those familiar with the show will get the subtle name references. I tested this out on a select loving group of people, and apparently it didn't shock any of them at all. I was trying to shock and be as offensive as possible, but to no avail. I sure have a lot of Liberal friends. But here it is anyway.

-o-

The Stalone family enters a church where a funeral of a distant relative is taking place.

Wife: "I still can't believe your mother isn't talking to you."

Raul: "I know, I mean, I should be higher than a pilot, but I�m not. oh there she is."
**approaches mother**

Raul: "hey mommmmmmmm, hey mommmmmmm, hey.. **mother walks away** �ok you walk away."

old man: **smugly walks up to Raul** "christ almighty should you give a rat's ass about your mother!"

Raul: **smiles** "hehehe eh fuck you."

old man: �What did you say?!�

Raul: **smiles** "fuck you!"

old man: �You can't talk to me that way!�

Raul: �Can�.. and did. "fuck...youuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

old man: �I outta box your ears!�

Raul: "fucccccccck youuuuuuuu!"

old man: �You can't do that!�

Raul: "oh fuck you, old man!"

old man: �I�m gonna stop you, Big Nose!�

Raul: **smiles** "Heh! Me first!" **punches old man in the nose**

old man: "what the hell!�

Raul: "Again!" **punches again** "I�ll break it 6 ways to Sunday! ..whatever that means."

old man: **winces with pain** "oooooh godddd" **face & hands become stained with blood**

Raul: "hahaha yeah!" **dances like a joker & claps**

old man: "You son of a bitch! I fought in WWII & Korea, man!"

Raul: "ooooo pawn in the war pig machine! You were just the Government's patsie....! Took it square in the ass like a woman! You wasted your time! Suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

old man: "I can't believe this!" **fuming mad as hell**

Raul: "That's riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! you know what I can't believe? I can't believe I haven't punched you a 3rd time!" **punch**

old man: "owwwwwwwwwww!" **falls to knees**

Raul: "soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry, soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry. Hahahaha!"

Raul�s wife: "what...the hell are you doing..." **watches**

Raul: "just stickin' it to the man."

Raul: **back to the old man** "War is stupid! War sucks! Nobody respects what you're doing! You're wasting our tax payer money! Stop wasting our money! Get over yourselves! Boooooooo!� where's our free oil?? You people make me sick! Go to hell! You people and your business destroy families and ruin lives! You ruined our lives! All of our lives!"

old man: "You got a lot of nerve...! how DARE you! How fucking DARE YOU!"

Raul: **mockingly starts flapping arms like a chicken** "Oh, "I need two fucking holidays to show how my stupid legs got shot off!" It�s you're own stupid god damn fault!"

old man: "god, boy... you're dead. DEAD!"

Raul: "war pig! oinnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

old man: "I put my life on the line for Pinko Commies like you!!!"

Raul: �Nobody respects what you did! Nobody cares, man. NOBODY! Suck it!"

old man: **to Raul�s mother** "Look what your piece of shit son did to me, Louise!"

Raul�s mother: "I see you, Hank." **turns around and looks the other way from Raul's presence**

Raul: "dead souls for nothing, man."

** Raul & wife walk away"

Raul�s wife: "I must say, I have never seen you act that way before! And I gotta be honest.. I�m extremely shocked! but I�m very impressed by the way you stood up to your father! And I find it rather sexy, roarrrr!" **grabs arm & begins groping it**

Raul: "eh whatever. I voted for Bush."

Raul & wife leave the room.

fade out

writer�s commentary:

Well we sure had a lot of good �ol fun writing this. If you�re writing for a sitcom, don�t be afraid to push across some offensive messages and horrible story lines, and downright blasphemous behavior that would land most people in jail or incite protests, because you can always use the last 10 seconds of the show to say �Just kidding!�

Free counter

Free counter

<| Wednesday March 1st, 2006 |> 'Headline: Player demonstrates lack of hygiene with fungus"

Hank Hill: "god damn it, Dale, you stupid dumb son of a bitch; god damn idiot. If it gets any god damn hotter in the god damn 'ol summer I'll kick your ol' god damn ass, god damn it."

Dale: "But Hannnnnnk..."

Hank Hill: "god damn it."

<| Thursday March 2nd, 2006 |> "Headline: Manager expresses stupidity with moves"

God damn it, wheat crackers are fucking awesome. I don't think I�ll ever go back to plain white crackers. In fact, I don't know why I keep eating white crackers or white bread. It's a sacrifice, I guess. And what's the deal with organic food? Is it really that much better for us? Isn't there some kind of benefit that processed foods and their chemicals give to us for our immune system?

These are all very interesting questions.

<| Friday March 3rd, 2006 |> "Headline: Batter discovers miracle of steroids"

to Coach whose standing on the basketball court during a season game: "Losing? well, thank god it doesn't matter anyway 'cause it's not like you're ranked and have a reason to play & live or anything."

Oh yes, if there is no agreement in the NFL's bargain agreement Friday morning at 12am, it will be the end of the NFL. No salary cap is scheduled for the 2007 season and is imminent doom for small markets. Only the rich will win, and it'll be the same playoff teams year after year. Do you think the Cincinnati Bengals, who are now a playoff team (!) would have ever happened under no salary cap?

Part of the stupid problem is the Union wants more money from its total revenue sharing, which the league is offering 56.2 and the Union wants that "Our number has to start with a six".

Wow, you're serious. In a league where the salary cap is at $94 million, and almost every player makes a million dollars, you can't be serious. You'd sacrifice the well-being of the **grumps** most idolized & most well running sports system in the world. Is that extra revenue of 3.8% more REALLY going to make your lives *that* much better? You're Pro Athletes. I don't think so.

Do what the rest of us do: if we don't feel like doing something, we just put it off & extend the deadline.

<| Saturday March 4th, 2006 |> "the Angry Violent Hippie"

I have this horrible nighttime dream tendency. If I have something to do in the day, like make a phone call or take a piss, my brain tricks me by making a mock dream as accurate as possible. I don't appreciate having dreams of me taking a long-needed piss when I really have to piss. Luckily I have this safety net backup set in my brain that "anytime there�s a toilet in a dream, wake up immediately". I think that�s an idea we can all appreciate.

Also, Brain, I don't appreciate you making me have the exact same dream over and over in one nighttime sequence. It's frustrating that when you need to get up at a certain time, you dream of waking up and looking around, only to suddenly vanish and you either wake up or continue dreaming. Or inexplicably....rerun the same dream again, only slightly altered. Yeah, Brain, I get it that you like to torture me subconsciously when I'm at my most vulnerable & energizing state. You're the King, Brain, I get it.

<| Sunday March 5th, 2006 |> "Drugs? I can barely stand my foot falling asleep."

Hey hey hey! Looks like the NFL extended its deadline 72 hours. Here's the skinny on what would happen if there is no agreement:

"Well less money, if you want to be an unrestricted free agent you had to have 6 year's service time.

Players with three, four, or five accrued seasons will be restricted free agents. In other words, Bucs quarterback Chris Simms (who signed a one-year restricted free agent tender on Wednesday), will be a restricted free agent again in 2007. Under normal circumstances, he would be eligible for unrestricted free agency in 2007.

All teams will have an extra transition tag in 2007. Currently, teams can use either a franchise tag or a transition tag. So next year the teams will be able to restrict two otherwise unrestricted free agents.

The final four playoff teams from 2006 will be permitted to sign only their own unrestricted free agents. For each of their unrestricted free agents signed by someone else, they can replace them with an unrestricted free agent signed from another team.

The next four playoff teams will be subject to the same rules as the final four. They also will be able to sign one unrestricted free agent at a first-year salary of $1.5 million or more, and one at a first-year salary of less than $1 million (not including signing bonus), with increases of no more than 30 percent of the player's first-year salary.

There will be no limit on what teams can spend on players, but there also will be no minimum, either. Currently, teams are required annually to spend at least 54 percent of the projected Defined Gross Revenues on player costs. In an uncapped year, teams can spend as little as they choose".

Well well well. There could be a strike in 2008; thus killing the "golden goose" of the sports world. Yeah, I stole these lines & quotes from other people, �cause I just really don't feel like rewording it. I'm a little plagiarist bug, aren't I! Buzz buzz buzz!

Doesn't this sound familiar? # 1 sport in the country, millions of fans; has been more popular than ever, and then suddenly a strike or lockout comes along and blows it for everybody? Ba..ba. ba ba ba ba..ba� ..ba..BASEBALL! It's no guff. Baseball fucked itself over, and it took a steroid-juiced ball conspiracy to bring the fans back. How ironic that steroid testing was one of things the players fought so hard against that it took a public outcry for the players to end up reluctantly accepting it.

"[Football is a] smart business skills and equal, parity-driven league"

That's another quote I stole, but he's a White Sox fan so it's alright. So it could be the end come 12am on Monday morning. You'd think the NFL learned its lesson after what happened to baseball, but apparently not. Here's some more stolen quotes!

'add in the Colts if the CBA is not to be done because Manning and Harrison's bonuses that were to be spread out will count 19 million at once....no Edge and who knows what else..."

'on Ask Vic, the Jags columnist, that the Skins getting under the cap is near impossible, so the NFL is going to have to find a way to get them under, and then there going to fine the team, front office, and possibly take away their picks (not like they have the $ to sign them anyway). In addition, the team will still be gutted and the Redskins will be playing with a lot of undrafted rookies."

Wow, wouldn't that be something!

Well-off people arguing over millions of dollars doesn't sit well when people expect their football teams to be playing & to be competitive. It will make a lot of people really angry if there's no Sunday football. Let's see what Mondays column will look like!

<| Monday March 6th, 2006 |> "Howie Mandel: �Deal......or no deal? And you can't claim "racism" 'cause I'm Canadian!!!""

Well the NFL did it again. It did what the rest of us do: put things off again. Another 72 hours to get a deal ready. So we'll see what happens at 12am on Thursday morning. Of course, if you like the NFL, you'll want them to reach a deal. So come back and see what this column will look like on Thursday!

Here's one thing I never understood about albums: why mix in live stuff with studio material? I can think of 3 examples; the Stones "December Children" & "Hot Rocks", and Aerosmith's "Get Your Wings". It just seems weird. I always thought you kept the two mediums separate. And what was even more bizarre, was on Led Zeppelin's BBC Sessions, was studio material recorded for an overdub on live material, specifically "Ramble On" at the end. I don't know how you can do something like that live, so it was probably for the CD release or delayed broadcast.

And I'm noticing a lot of mergers happening lately. Suddenly my bank got bought out by Harris, as they did along with a bunch of other companies, and now AT&T bought out SBC. So much for having choices.

And speaking of "Deal, no Deal", I'm still waiting for a contestant to walk away with like $5 in their suitcase instead of somewhere between the average bank offer of like $40,000-$81,000. Usually there's about 3 to 5 contestants a game, and it depends on whether or not on the person if I'll root for them or not. There was this one stupid blonde woman, who had her 7 fucking kids in the audience, all where like within a year old of each other, and on her "Support Team deck", were her ugly and equally annoying 4 blonde sisters / cousins. There was this one ugly tall one that looked like a blonde Cher that I wanted to punch in the face. So naturally, I was rooting against them. At one point, the "bank" on the show offered $100,000 for the dumb blonde to "stop playing and go home", and this is a rather high amount which you only get with good odds, and the dumb blonde asked her family to "deal or no deal", and everyone but the 4-year old son said "no deal". And of course, the dumb blonde thought about it for like 3 seconds, and said, "Oh what does HE know! He's only FOUR!! HAHAHA!! NO DEAL!!!!"

And of course, shortly thereafter, the biggest dollar amount on the board got cleared, I thoroughly enjoyed that moment, and the dumb blonde ended up settling on $81,000, which is way more than she deserved. But it turns out the son was right, so there, you stupid bitch. Have fun paying for your kid's college tution! If I was in that auidence, I would have stood up and shouted,

"It's called BIRTH CONTROL, slut!!!"

There was this one moment, tho, where this guy wanted to raise money for battered children or something, so you really couldn't root against him. And of course, he had a chance to walk away with $250,000� but thanks to his stupid greedy family and their Liberal logic in the Support Team deck�. He walked away with only $5,000. Tho then again, he wanted KISS to perform at his 50th b-day party.

<| Wednesday March 8th, 2006 |> "phlegmmaster3000 "

Well once again, tomorrow morning at 12am, NFL free agency is set to begin. As I type this, there still is no agreement and the League is looking at the latest proposal. And most likely, they'll just delay free agency another 72 hours. I'm not holding my breath, but we have seen a lot of players get cut in order to get under the cap. You're gonna have to check here tomorrow (for my opinion that is).

I dunno if you've heard of this Mountain Dew sports drink called "MDX", but it has calcium, various minerals or vitamins, and like 3 times the caffeine. I hear it tastes like regular Mountain Dew but with a slight bitter aftertaste. It's Mountain Dew's little back door man way of sneaking their "sports drink" into schools that allow those kinds of drinks but ban traditional soda. I have to say, I can't believe how addicted the youngins are on soda. I mean, when I was growing up, I had a soda maybe twice or thrice a week. These rats just live on it. You should be drinking natural juice instead of that shit.

Now for Led Zeppelin album rank as of 3/8/06: 2, 3, 1, 4, BBC, HH, ITOBD, PG, P, C. For a long time, it was: 4, 1, 3, 2, HH, PG, BBC, ITOBD, PG, C. While I still say 4 is the greatest album of all time, I've just listened to it so many hundreds of times in the past 11 years. I really didn't care much about 2 back in the day, it didn't blow me away, but as I evolved more into a blues taste, it has finally shot its way up there. And I'm still annoyed by HH, and PG really has faded on me, which I don't enjoy as much anymore. It's been on the decline since I got it. And as for 3 being ahead of 1, which shouldn't be, but I tend to enjoy the acoustic stuff just a little more. And why in the hell wasn't "Hey Hey What Can I Do" put on 3? I read somewhere that it was because "Maggie May" just came out and was a huge hit, and this apparently sounded too much like it, so they yanked it. You people add "Hey Hey What Can I Do" to the end of 3 on your playlists.

And get your NCAA Basketball groups & picks ready. March 17th

<| Tuesday March 7th, 2006 |> "you're just what I needed! Ineeded someone to bleed"

I have a few rules in my house.

no roughhousing.
no whistling.
no sneezing.
if you need to puke, puke out in the street or in the neighbor's yard!
no snooping of drawers.
no peeing in the shower.
if you have to spit, do it outside on someone else's property and never on asphalt or concrete.
no bleeding
cell phones turned off
no steroid use (very important!)
no punching
no using a chair as a weapon
no cockfights
no drug use
no bringing of lite beer in
rinse off your dirty dishes & put in sink or dishwasher
no knife fighting
wash your hands after using toilet
do not break toilet
no opening of mail
do not leave the milk out
no prostitutes allowed.
profanity is encouraged.
no stealing of coupons.

<| Thursday March 9th, 2006 |> "Fuckstickles: a fuck that tickles."

Well the NFL approved the latest union proposal. They extended the current agreement 6 more years. So that means no probably lockout or strike, and there will be football played for the next 7 years, since there's still this year left.

Well I had another delicious burrito today. It was from Qdoba. So that makes it that I've had a burrito in all 3 months of the Year of The Burrito. This one was a short & fat little fucker. I'd say it was the size of a soda can with a hand towel wrapped around it. I of course got the Steak burrito, and damn, that steak was tasty! I waited a little bit for the cheese to melt before I opened it. Not too much rice, enough meat, which is key. I also got some black beans and some tomato chunk shit, with occasional dabs of red hot sauce, which was damn near close to the best hot sauce I've ever had in my life. But right before the end, where I almost gave up eating the last few bites because I was full, but suddenly got a little space. Thank god I did, because the last 3 bites were the best. It was entirely of cheese and meat, which was awesome. Rarely have I had a meal where the 1st bite was as great as the last. And I also got Dr Pepper (of course, Year of the Soda) and some lemonade before leaving, Minute Maid style, which I have been craving forever. It is the best of the juices in my world.

And oh ya, you're not special because you're a New Yorker. Don�t ever forget that.

<| Friday March 10th, 2006 |> "Chef-boy-r-dee says, "add more sodium!!!!!!""

Apparently, I've been having this reoccurring dream. Basically, it's like i'm watching this sketch comedy show, like MadTV or SNL. And there's this guy, sitting in this living room, that has couches and a huge 58" flat plasma screen tv. And this guy, is talking to the camera, either complaining about something or about television, and you can hear the audience laughing during this. Then eventually when this guy gets to the punch line, he starts screaming, and says something like "and I'm not taking it anymore!" and takes this baseball bat, swings towards the center of the tv screen and hits the shit out of it, briefly there's a little black circle where the bat hit the tv while the rest of the picture still shows up everywhere else on the screen, then a second later, the tv breaks / goes blank / sparks fly & this guy celebrates, and the audience cheers loudly.

Now, I'm pretty sure I didn't see this any on actual tv show. In the dream, i laugh for a second 'cause i find it hilarious, and then i go, "whoa, dude! You just broke a really expensive television just for a stupid joke!"

Breaking televisions or smashing stereos is a mild joke that gets a brief laugh. And the appreciation only lasts a bit longer if you say, set it up in a movie of say, a fax machine malfunctioning, and have some slow dramatic scene of destroying it, a la "Office Space". The value of a joke depends how expensive and how real the item being destroyed is. But we all know that.

And then there's some people who don't like "Scrubs". Tho I never really liked "3rd Rock From The Sun", even tho it's basically the same kind of show.

<| Saturday March 11th, 2006 |> "constipation is a part of our everyday lives."

folding-out ability? convenience? safety? state of the art? That's not what I want in an automobile!

I'll tell you what I want: I want excellent gas mileage, plenty of trunk space for my Emergency roadside equipment, a place for my drinks & a box for my receipts & napkins that doubles as an armrest, plenty of head and leg room, and good visibility out of the windshield (late '90s Buick's are horrible in this way), working heat, and how easy it is to change my oil.

I don't need stupid shit (for stupid idiots) like seats that fold out so I can "put my yuppie bicycle in the back & take it with me while I drive 50 miles to ride the bicycle on busy traffic streets while wearing tight spandex and looking like a lameass". I don't need DVD players or televisions coming out of the ceiling or mobile video game systems to entertain the damn brats. They need to be aware of their surroundings and how to get to the store, not watch some cartoon crap about a homosexual sponge. I don't need buttons everywhere, or volume control on the steering wheel or "child safety locks". I don't need a huge stereo watt system to "get jiggy with it" and blast my crappy music to the public while blowing out my ear drums in the process. I don't need things like neon light license plate holders, or spinning hubcaps or computer navigation systems or seat warmers or a lipstick holder or extra mirrors to look at myself while I drive. And I sure as hell don't need the ego boost of "being the biggest thing on the road" while looking like a desperate jackass in the process.

No. I want a car that gets me where I want to go when I want to go. You know I sometimes think car companies make crappy cars on purpose so things break you'll need one sooner in the future anyway.

And I need to say, "Disney is pure evil."

<| Tuesday March 14th, 2006 |> "Please keep the vending machine off the apples."

I love you, Frisco Melt!!

Frisco Melt: Two steakburger patties with American and Swiss cheese topped with tangy Frisco sauce between slices of grilled sourdough bread. Served with tomato and fresh lettuce.

Mmmm mmm.

I haven't had one of those fuckers in over 4 years, and it was better than I remembered. Very juicy and tangy, and a great meat-to-cheese ratio. I don't know why they need lettuce or tomato on it, but I eat that separately. I'm going to have to add Frisco Melt to my rotation of: big burritos, fish n chips / fish sandwich, big chicken sandwich, roast beef sandwich / beef n cheddars and big cheeseburgers. This is a very pro-Frisco Melt site. This site is also pro-squirrel but anti-bird & rabbit.

And a real Philly cheesesteak comes with cheddar sauce, not swiss or mozarella or any other cheese that almost every place does a knock-off of. Tho I have to say the Cousin's Sub version of the Philly cheesesteak is quite tasty.

<| Sunday March 12th, 2006 |> "kill a panda, win a cookie."

I guess they have better things to do in Minnesota. Rather than put up with things like 1/8th of a penny sales tax increase to fund a new ballpark, they prefer to either going fishing, making paintings of the forest and the ducks, grow beards and shovel snow. It's funny how back in the day when sports and its merchandise were irrelevant, that's when the sport as a whole thrived. Then suddenly, cable-tv came along, and suddenly the numbers got bigger and bigger.

We'll know by July 1st whether or not MLB will contract the Twins. This will be the only time MLB will ever have the chance to contract two teams again so easily. But then again, Selig would never live it down if two teams were folded under his watch. Either the Twins will fold or they'll get moved. Either way, Minnesotians will have to find something else to do on their summer evenings. Perhaps chug a beer.

And of course, no matter what that Bonds steroids book says, nothing will ever happen to him, because this is America and we rewards cheaters and crooks. We don't like to punish our heroes or our celebrities. In fact, we don't even punish anyone! You know all those people in prison? All actors!

<| Monday March 13th, 2006 |> "the Car: poor. by design."

The following are sports I want to see on tv more:

College baseball
LaCrosse
Ping Pong
Tennis
Bowling
Rugby

The following are sports I want to see off tv:

Soccer
Nascar
WNBA
NHL
The Olympics
X-sports
3pm NFL games.
Fake wrestling
Boxing (it's all fake)

<| Wednesday March 15th, 2006 |> "ooooo, scrapwire!"

Once again, Mark Prior is hurt. He is experiencing shoulder soreness, as reported from yesterday, which is something we all suspected for a while now. This verifies an amateur February Internet rumor report. We're constantly reminded by the press, that in addition to them being "Gods", the Internet and "the regular people" of the public are not capable of reporting news at all and that we shouldn't trust any source but "the Gods". They're not pleased that any two-bit monkey with a basic understanding of the English language (or any language) and an ability to push a keyboard button and the ability to "look at things" can report news. "The Gods" don't like that any idiot with a semi-functioning brain can do their job. They don't like how the Internet can be more accurate, quicker, and more truthful when it comes to the real news.

Rumors reported that Prior looked "sick and weak" in Spring Training, and the Cubs were purposely hiding Prior from the public. But we know. People go to these games, they see the same thing as the columnists & coaches see. We have computers. We know how to type. We have an Internet connection, no matter how slow or crappy it is.

I could only imagine the moans Cubs fans gave when they heard Prior was experiencing rotator cuff problems, along with Lee hurting his left shoulder while diving for a foul ball in the WBC on Sunday against Japan. Along with some shitty call of a Japan player supposed "leaving 3rd base too early" that cost them a somewhat certain victory over USA. I heard there was another bad call in a Dominican / Puerto Rico game. Another dagger for the WBC. Wouldn't that be something if Lee misses time from that injury because of this stupid WBC. And once again, "the Gods" told us that "this would had happened in Spring Training anyway". No, you are wrong. You are incorrect. Suppose I trip and fall down at 1:56pm while walking uphill on a badly cracked sidewalk full of holes. You think that would have happened if I was walking on a level hardwood floor indoors at 1:56pm? I highly think NOT.

You have to wonder how informed these newspaper guys are, on what kind of lease they're on, what kind of muzzle they're wearing; as to how much info they can really give. Perhaps they're told to "not piss off the players but only the managers".

Of course, everybody knows this: Dusty doesn't know how to handle pitchers. He doesn't understand "the pitch count". I don't understand why you'd have a former Bush League hitter as your manager. He played in an era where pitchers and batters didn't get along and an era of 4-man pitching rotations and probably never lifted a weight in his life. Why or how could a crappy hitter understand pitching? Does Dusty not understand that the less a pitcher throws, the better it is? Oh sure, he got to the World Series and of course blew it, thanks to some shitty pitching handling. Of course having a hitter like Bonds, the before-pure hitter / the now steroid cheater on your team helps tremendously for wins. Dusty left a ruin of a pitching staff in San Francisco, and logic states that no pitcher should throw over 100 pitches, let alone 120 & 130 like Prior & Wood did.

Somewhere, you can hear Rob Nen reading about Prior & Kerry Wood, and you can almost hear him whimpering. He was Dusty'd. Hence, he got punk'd.

I think it should be pretty obvious to all Cubs fans that management "doesn't know what the hell they're doing".

<| Thursday March 16th, 2006 |> "What an ugly child! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!"

Uh oh! The mighty pen has gone dry lately! Not a damn thing to say!

<| Friday March 17th, 2006 |> "C'mon! What's the matter, you afraid to report on a REAL sport??"

"i haaaaaaate People P-C....gonnnnna pop that vein in my fore-heaaaaaaad.... iiiiiii haaaaaaaate People
P-C... put that dime in the jukebox, baby! YOW!"

<| Saturday March 18th, 2006 |> "that's not how you shoot a fucking free throw!"

Another day of fucking upsets, really fucking me over in all 7 of my brackets. And once again, Iowa gives me the royal screw job, fucking me in not only football, but basketball, too! And so much for the Illini. They should have won that game, but of course, they got Bullsymdrome. Fouling early, getting in early foul trouble & not shooting any free throws.

And I have to say this: dancing is stupid. You look stupid, the music is stupid and dancing is stupid. Don't you get it, stupid? Dancing is stupid, stupid. Especially all you stupid kids and your kid dancing shows and your stupid boy bands. You know who's fault it is? Dick Clark's.

<| Sunday March 19th, 2006 |> "we need two newspaper subscriptions: one for the bathroom, one for the downstairs."

Uh oh! The Nutrition Police are at it again! It seems that some State Regulations wants to ban all soda and snacks in elementary and middle schools. The school's are like, "whoa, howdy �ho ja! Just hold on a god damn minute there! It should be up to the school districts!" I guess the school district's enjoyed the huge profits while fattening and corrupting our children. What do I say? I say "take away everything" and train the children to be obedient slaves who will do what when told. Sure not getting new computers every few years will suck, but a little anger and frustration builds good character. And there's nothing worse than a poorly behaved spoiled child.

<| Monday March 20th, 2006 |> "never turned around when all the fuckers and clowns, all did, trickkkkkks for youuuuuu"

Seemingly that "Operation: Get Cheap Oil" is a failure, it's time to get the hell out of there, start drilling the shit out of Alaska for oil, get it from Russia, and invent a new automobile.

<| Tuesday March 21st, 2006 |> "....yeah, at "www.footballisdumb_soccersucks.com""

I ate an All-American melt the other day from the Steak n shake. It was like eating a heavy wet sock. Too much god damn grease! I don't think I'll be getting that again. And I think it's pretty safe to say that their fries are just little toothpicks of greasy fat.

<| Thursday March 23rd, 2006 |> "...when they all got.... fucks for youuuuuuu..."

I really don't know if this could ever be manufactured into some kind of somewhat understandable song lyrics, or if this could ever even qualify as a poem. Here it is anyway.

he had a bunch of broken iPods in his hands
and then he said "the Old Lord made me do it!"
and I was like, "the Old Lord??"
and pointed that energy bar is full of saturated fat
there's a new boy in town
driving my car all over town
I ain't got no Frisco sauce recipe
I asked Dr. Phil to build me a rocket ship
then I turned on the all-Bootleg radio station.
my daddy beat me with a stick
when his fists were too sore
he had a hard time gripping the stick, tho.
turtles like their internet slow.

<| Wednesday March 22nd, 2006 |> "toomuchphlegm"

Well. I read that Capitol Records is putting out the 2nd volume box set of the American versions of the early to mid 60s Beatles albums. Now what is this, you ask? When EMI sent their Beatles records to Capitol Records, exec's decided to select certain songs, revamp the shit out of them, add singles that weren't on albums, make the sound quality poorer, and mix n' match songs which they thought would sell better.

There will be 92 tracks in total, both mono and stereo album versions, and apparently 82 making CD for the first time. This of course is aimed at an aging, but-not-dead-yet America who want the same versions they grew up listening to. This is of course a money making thing, and they could put out 100 CD's of Beatles studio sessions and they'd all sell like crazy. The thing that pisses me off, is they're STILL pressing CDs with the same fucking 1987 CD technology! Even the 30th anniversary 1998 re-issue of the White Album, with its fancy shit like paper casing and Polaroid sized posters, STILL had the fucking 1987 CD technology! And of course, they cheaped out on the Magical Mystery Tour linear notes, by depriving us of 22 trippy photos. It's shocking that the studio material from the Anthology's are in better quality than the masters are. Or maybe that's the intention�. of hiding all the music flaws. I don't know if EMI is being lazy or are planning something in the future, but if they re-issued all 13 studio albums with extended linear notes, photos, bonus tracks, and include the movies on the disc to make up for the lackluster material, they would make an absolute killing on it.

Like the American version goes, "It's been a hard day's night, and I've been poopin' like a dog / It's been a hard day's night, and my poop is the size of a log."

<| Friday March 24th, 2006 |> "think rubbish."

Dear Porter,
After I come home from a long, hard day of work at the batting cage - Buffalo wing factory, my wife just doesn't understand that I'm just really tired and really don�t want to hear about "the trip to the grocery store, little Billy's play or what the idiots said on the AM-Radio show'" and that I just want to sit down and relax in quiet. Why can�t she understand this? ~tired man.

Dear Tired Man,
Since the beginning of time, Man has yearned for peace and quiet, a.k.a. what is known as "the Clubhouse". Today, we also call these places "Country Clubs", "bars", "2nd apartments", "recreational establishments". Even since the days of the Caveman, Caveman needed a 2nd cave to hangout somewhere else for a while before going home to put up with Cavewoman. What I'm saying is, these are suggestions. Oh, and don't explain your sudden absence is due to "overtime", because that's code people use when they cheat on their partners (thanks, Cheaters television show!).

-o-

Dear Porter,
I'm bored, and I'm considering taking steroids. I know where to get them; down at the local gym. But I also have a phlegm problem, so I might take up on a decongestant pill addiction. Or maybe start Nyquil / cough syrup parties. I also have gas / bowel problems, so I might get some pills for that. Or maybe I�ll take up glass eating. I really don't know. ~overwhelmed with choices.

Dear Overwhelmed,
Isn't wonderful how we have so many options?? Enjoy your quest and where ever it takes and what ever it does to you!

-o-

Yo' Porta,

I am 19 and pregnant with my 4th child. I recently found out my husband has been having numerous affairs & has given me an STD, which I�m not really thrilled about. ~n/a

Yo� ????????

You give no name?? What was the point of this?? Are you bragging??

Anyways, you're a stupid dumbass. You deserve what you got. And you need to get sewn up.

That's all the time we have for "Ask Porter" today.

<| Saturday March 25th, 2006 |> "so grab some �Let it Bead� car wax today!"

Things I tend to obsess about, or things I've noticed people are obsessed about.

I am obsessed with steroids. Even the word makes me giggle. Everybody knows steroids is �cheater bait�, as Hank Hill once said. Some of us were unaware of how prominent steroids actually are in the world of sports. Steroids practically got the NFL thru the 1970s & 80s. Shit, there's still a ton of them still on it. Baseball, hockey, track & field, basketball players, you name it. Everybody loves the idea of some magic chemical that makes people do super-human things, but of course, it's at the expense of the body's health, which makes it so tragic, yet so amusing. You think Charlie Brown would have won more than 1 game in his entire 50-year pitching career if he had taken steroids? You bet your ass he would have.

I noticed people are obsessed with iPods. It's like it's more important than air. As if we don't have enough distractions that make us sit down and get fat. I personally have no interest in getting one, �cause most music blows and I have the slowest connection there is.

Alright, this is taking forever. I'm just going to a list-format.

me: steroids
the world: iPod
the world: American Idol
me: (the perfect) pizza
me: cheese
me: Arby's
the world: new music
the stupid: celebrities
me: getting a salary cap in baseball
the old: prescription medication
the networks: advertising
me: properly spelling and grammar

<| Sunday March 26th, 2006 |> "kill panda."

I think the Selection Committee doesn't know what the hell they're doing!!!

"Oh sure, we'll pick Duke, Memphis, Villanova and UConn as our #1 seeds!!!"

Another day of upsets fucking me up the ass. Fuck you, refs. You don't know what the hell you're doing!!! Any hope of me winning my group bracket tournament has been shot to hell thanks to University of Florida basketball team. You fucking asshole cocksuckers.

Fucking # 1 seeds are pieces of shit. I hope George Mason or whatever the fuck their 11th seeded ass is called win it all. That would be glorious. That'd really fuck things up. Fuck them up good!

This is the end of College Basketball. Bribes were taken, players were fatigued / intoxicated, refs missed calls, refs made wrong calls and teams were poorly seeded. I don't think there's anything else left to say.

<| Monday March 27th, 2006 |> "Warning! Please enter an integer."

The Desperate Housewives theme song (the unsung lyrics):

"Peo-ple are dy-innnnng, Men are dy-innnnnnnng, wo-men are ly-innnnnnnng, wo-men are try-innnnnnnng�the patience of the worrrrrrrrld. Susan-fell-down-Lynette-controlled-town-Bree-killed-men-Gab-cheats-men-Fossil-old-hen

Wo-men are drying, men are hidinnnnng, blackmail-innnnnnnng, everyone ends up dy-innnnnnnng

Desperate people watch Desperate Housewives, oh, Deaaaaaaaaaaaath!"

<| Tuesday March 28th, 2006 |> "That looks like somebody pissed on it."

Reflections in the knife: a 2-year Perspective.

    222222222
222           222
222               222
                      222
                    222
                 222
              222
           222
        222
      222
   222
222
22222222222222

It's funny how making pointless, mindless banter blog entries mostly feels like a chore more than fun. Then there's those Blue Moon moments where I can't type it out fast enough, and after a blink of an eye, suddenly I have 2 pages written. Then there's the tough calls, like on last week's "Ask Porter" line of

"I am 19 and pregnant with my 4th child."

While that's semi-realistic, I pondered going with totally unrealistic "I am 19 and pregnant with my 7th child." It's all up to me to make those tough calls. Which one's funnier? I don't know. I'm not a comic genius.

2 years ago on this day, I began an unrealistic goal of making blog entries every single day, which of course resulted in delayed postings in excess of days & weeks and constant catching-up. But I have done it: 730 consecutive postings. I've done a lot of swearing, made fun & mocked a lot of things, offended a lot of people, disappointed a lot of visitors who didn't find what they were looking for (haha) and had fun doing bits like "the Bozo Programme", "The Berenstain Bears", "Faux Presidential Platform", "Ask Porter", numerous song parodies and short skits�all without the benefit of Cable TV.

So what inspires me? Television shows. Newspapers. Books. Sports. I really don't like to use the internet as a source (tho sometimes it's just easier) or take stuff from other sites, or paste that stupid shit where you fill out a survey and show "You are a purple lesbian dinosaur!"

So what's to expect? "More of the same shit".

<| Wednesday March 29th, 2006 |> "deadkid3000"

i think magnets are the greatest advertisement invention ever. Where do they usually end up? On the refrigerator, which we see every single day. And what do they do? They hold up shit for us. How long do they last? Forever! I've seen people have magnets as old as 25 years old still stuck on their fridges. And who the hell throws out a magnet? Nobody. They're like pure gold.

Goal: eat as little as possible. I had decided to go against what the food companies that want to turn myself into an all-consuming obese spending-machine. So my goal in life is to eat as little as possible, and not to stuff myself stupid. I mean, people were skinny as hell in the 1970s and most of them got out alive. And besides, it's just that much less strain on the heart & joints if you're tugging around less weight and ultimately, it's cheaper.

<| Thursday March 30th, 2006 |> "we will get started, when we know you've farted..."

Day 2: The Aftermath.

.....so hungry........so hungry...... nothing to eat...... hungry............need food........don�t want to spend any money......gotta stick it to the Food Companies......don�t know what to eat........so hungry......don�t know what to eat..........sick of soup........so hungry......don�t like ham..........sick of pizza......sick of burgers.....sick of fast food.....sick of grease.....so hungry....gotta.....must.....MUST stick it to the Food Companies......so tired......so hungry...........sick of eating......boycotting hot dogs........no more bacon......sick of fatty food........must..find....something! so hungry.........cough............so hungry....so hungry.....passing out......must resist urge to get behind the wheel......so hungry.....not gonna spend money......so hungry.....too weak to shoot something and eat it... fading......fading......

<| Friday March 31st, 2006 |> "Jerry Stiller: "you suck, TV commercial!!!!""

thing i thought i could eat all day but couldn't: nacho cheese. Surprisingly, it was a lot richer than i remembered

thing i thought i could eat all day (and actually did): cheese & crackers. I have literally sat down for hours scarfing down crackers and various cheese products. This ranged from different types of crackers, of plain, buttered, sesame seed, onion (yum), rye, wheat, saltines (blech) all of varying brands. Then there was the matter of the cheese factor, ranging from cream cheese, spreadable cream cheese, american cheese slices, spreadable sharp cheddar, super sharp spreadable cheddar, actual sharp cheddar, those delicious whipped light mixed cream cheese with herbs and spices, cheese from a can, cheese from a jar, left over cheese goo from a packet. I would sit down, with various crackers, alternate between cheeses and crackers, and even add spices to the cheese. During the process, i would down a few glasses of cold water, or soda or juice or all 3.

I don't know what or where this thirst for cheese & crackers came from. My guess it probably came from Timer the Cheese Guy, from Schoolhouse of Rock division, who ran between my Saturday Morning cartoons on ABC during the 1980s. Timer, until i recently tracked down the actual old commercial, I have been told by him that he "had a hanker for a hunk of cheese." and to make a "wagon wheel consisting of cheese and crackers to tide me over until dinner."

The rest is history.