September 1st - 15th, 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

<| Thursday September 1st, 2005 |>    Motion Lotion ��

Day 51: 941. Alice Cooper - Hard Hearted Alice -- 960. alice cooper - i'm the coolest

Oh no, it's time for another segment of "Ask Rudager".

Dear Rudager

Why are Wendy's burger buns a piss-yellow color? ~Kev, TX. "Go Longhorns!!!"

Dear Kev

I think you just answered your own question. "Go Seminoles!"

-o-

Deer Rudger:

Why is my mommy such a terrball driver? ~love Samantha, 6

Dear sweet Samantha,

Your mommy has the syndrome known as "womanhood", which gives them their irrational thinking, hormones, and unstable schizophrenic emotions and the body is out-of-whack which along with the rack-and-pinion steering and the many mirrors and the buttons on the car stereo, impairs her ability to drive the big, scary automobile properly. Unfortunately sweetheart, it's going to happen to you someday.   Love, Rudager.

-o-

Hey Rudager,
As someone who is not a stupid teenager or of the stupid young adult demographic, you want to tell me WHY in the fuck that they're are so many god damn Singing and Dance Reality shows and why in the hell we should care??? ~Chris

Yo Chris,

That's like asking how many stars their are in the universe. Nobody will ever know.

-o-

Dear Rudager,
I am a mother and want to know why are people and especially children so fat today? I've made 7 trips to the grocery store already and it's only Tuesday. My god! ~Patricia

Dear Pattie,
Part of the problem is that as Americans, with our computers and our cell phones and our satellite TV, we are too busy sitting down all day and night playing. Children especially have this problem since they're especially lazy simpletons, which in the next 35 years will be our imminent Armageddon. And of course, another part of the problem is the schools, who by their own fault have raised the "academic standards" by blackmailing taxpayers and parents into believing "only the best for their children" and that unless the children have the fastest computers, internet and every imaginable multi-media tool within 10 feet, the children will whither away and die.

Somehow the schools justified their own agenda by letting the corporations come into their schools, sell their merchandise and poison the children for the almighty dollar. We didn't have this problem when we were kids, because the proper priorities were in place. But now it's all about materials, pumping as much money in and out of the sports programs and blood-sucking as much money as possible. It frightens me that the next generation won't be able to find a word in a dictionary or even touch an encyclopedia when they're being taught web browsing tips in Kindergarten.

Oh yes, it's also your fault that you KEEP BUYING THE DAMN FOOD. And if I were you, I'd make sure the children have no access to any money in the house. Of course, the little rats will eventually find a way to cram the shit down their fat throats, but at least you won't be paying for it. Oh yeah, and stop driving the minivan around town!   The gasoline is precious, and your errands are not.

-o-

Dear Rudager,
I've noticed that most of the comic strips from the newspapers are quite lame and old.
Is 75 years of "Blondie" really worth celebrating?? It boggles the mind on how terrible strips are today. It's like they're made for old fogey farts. I can't wait until they all die off. ~Deathtofarts05

Death To Farts 2005,

You too, eh? And the sad thing is, the cartoonists themselves think they're funny, when they're really not. Comics today have an overall stench of sterility and lameness, and it's sad that Doonesbury is the edgiest one out there. They really need to raise the bar and get the shock value back. It's embarrassing. And it's a horrible waste of ink and a drain on resources. The first strip to go should be "Baby Blues, which makes my bowels explode. But it at least shows the lameness of life with young children. They should take it one step further and see how these annoying families inconvenience the rest of us in the world with their screaming brats who are noise-polluting, disrupting and ruining our experience in our stores & restaurants. This is precisely why drive-thru's were invented. ~Rudagerrulz76

<| Friday September 2nd, 2005 |> "the papers told the lawyer...it's okay."

Day 52: 961. Alice Cooper - Didn't We Meet -- 993. Creedence Clearwater Revival - Hey Tonight

Ah yes, my Untitled Prison album (from Sunday's column) Apparently that was the intent, for a band to make up and play some songs to irritate inmates so the guards could have some legal loophole of thinning out Prisons by shooting those who riot. Thus, they invented "riot inducing music."

-o-

Young Child: "come play with me! I got all of the toys laid out!"

Parent: **at desk** "I can't right now, I got something else to do."

Young Child: "But we always play!"

Parent: "Sorry! I just can't right now, I'm working on this."

Young Child: "I will die if you don't play with me!"

Parent: "Oh really. Hmmmm."

Young Child: **begins seizuring then blows up into a flame and disintegrates into a small dust cloud & evaporates**

Parent: "Well that was interesting." **goes back to work**

END

<| Saturday September 3rd, 2005 |> "he dropped the fucking ball!"

Day 53: 994. Creedence Clearwater Revival - Sweet Hitch-Hiker -- 1058. Dire Straits - Walk Of Life

I know what Ozzie's rotation & lineup for the playoffs is going to look like:

T. Perez, SP
T. Perez, SP
T. Perez, SP

T. Perez, LF
T. Perez, SS
T. Perez, 1B
T. Perez, CF
T. Perez, DH
T. Perez, C
T. Perez, RF
T. Perez, 2B
T. Perez, 3B

Then after giggling profusely for a few hours, he is forced by Joey Cora to pop a Paxil and take a nice, long nap, and after conferring Harold Baines & Don Cooper, it'll look like this:

Contreras
Garcia
Garland

Like Ozzie said, if the Sox are facing Oakland or Boston, Buehrle won't start.

Then...

LINEUP:

T. Perez LF (because he has experience, of course!)
J. Uribe SS (experience!)
P. Konkero DH
A. Pierzynski C
J. Dye RF
A. Rowand CF
P. Ozuna 3B (why not? Crede still hurt)
W. Harris 2B (Iguchi has no MLB playoff experience, of course!)
G. Blum 1B

Then Crede, Everett, Buehrle, El Duque and iPods hang out in Ozzie's office and sabotage it.

Thoughts on a possible Steve Stone move to a Sox booth: Oh there is no way Hawk would EVER want Stone in his booth. Hawk runs the ship, he's the mouth and brains behind it. DJ is just a "yes-man" to Hawk. And Hawk would get his a'ss owned when somebody with a superior intellect would show him up every game, every inning, every word.

Plus I doubt Stone would tolerate Hawk's "macho southern hillbilly theatrics". Stone is one of the most straight-forward analysts there is in the business.

<| Sunday September 4th, 2005 |> THE START OF THE GAME IS BEING DELAYED DUE TO INCEST

Day 54: 1059. The Doors - Break on Through -- 1157. The Doors - Poontang Blues - Build Me a Woman - Sunday Trucker

Idea of the year: like PBS or the BBC (generally), let's show a half an hour television show, for 20 continuous minutes, and lump all of the commercials at the end, so we can go to the bathroom, get our food, take our breaks. I can't stand shows who break up a show like 7 to 8 times.

dial-up internet life is a lot like football. About 85% of the time, you're just standing around, waiting, wasting time, waiting for something to happen. It takes forever for things to load and shit, and in football, there's a lot of standing around.

And you know what else pisses me off about football? Is when we're watching a game and they go, "oh, we can't show you the rest of the game. we have another game to show!" This happened yesterday when I was watching TCU playing #4 Oklahomo. It was a 17-10 game, with over 5 minutes to go! And I couldn't see the end of the game! And this game had Fantasy ramifications, too. Huge ramifications. It cost me 12 out of 17 points, and thus the hugest upset of the day. Thanks for nothing, Oklahomo.

I can honestly say, I do *not* know what a *good* football team is. I just have no idea of one! Being that I haven't seen one in years, and I'm told since your QB shits all over himself for the year and forces the team to play a rookie QB, you're supposed to go 3-13!

That's another thing: fantasy does some crazy things to a person. Let's just take baseball for example. You're competing against other people, and suddenly one has let's say, the White Sox pitching staff. Does it make me a *bad* fan just because I want my team to suddenly give up a shitload of earned runs, even if it means losing? And does it make me a *bad* fan, that say, oh I don't know, say an arbitration-due pitcher to suddenly start giving up a shitload of runs and losses *just* so we can keep him cheaper?

<| Monday September 5th, 2005 |>    "Isent a bill to the Red Cross"

Day 55: 1158. The Doors - Rock is Dead -- 1174. Bob Dylan - I Don't Believe You (She Acts Like We Never Have Met)

Ah, it's time for the second annual Miami vs. Florida State column. It's fresh off the press and its promptly just & due.

What can I say? It's the 2nd quarter and it's 10-0 FSU. FSU made a nice one-handed juggling interception at [12:00] in the 2nd.   Miami's QB is totally shitty, got a bogus (even tho there was a push) like 65 yard passing interference to Randy Moss' shitten brother. That's what I hate about football: getting rewarded yardage for a catch never made. Why don't they just replay the down or reset to 1st down?

I've forgotten how sloppy college football is, but man is it fast! Awwww....[8:46] Miami #98's fat ass is lying on the ground! Walk it off! Get up you pussy! You're slowing the game down! Yeah, you go limp it off. Haha, a lot of Miami personal fouls. Oh no, [7:05] Miami TD. [6:30] Wow, Weatherford only has 9 passing yards at this point.   Yeah, sloppy. Dropped passes, shitty throws. FSU [3:44] INT. Pass was under-thrown.   Oh Miami, you fucking prick, calling a time out with [0:09] left & the players were already in the tunnel. Give me a fucking break. Wow, FSU fumbles on the last play. What a terrible quarter.

3rd. [12:41] wow. blocked kick! FSU ball on Miami's 1! Wow is that lucky. You better score! 3 yard loss! Oh my god, he MISSED the field goal!! Terrible false start penalty. Oh no, somebody's house will be painted with a Miami player's blood tonight. 3rd. [8:45] Miami has used its last timeout!

My god, Weatherford is bad.... like.... Hutchinson-bad. And Lee is warming up! And Wright has been sacked so many times, it's so bad.. like..... Hutchinson-bad! Does Hutchinson have two sons QBing right now?

And that's another thing, NAACF, don't be scheduling huge rivalries and ranked matchups in the 1st week or so early in the season. And you don't need humid games in early September when every play is being delayed by player cramps. [13:31] Ouch. FSU is out of timeouts. [12:59]. Ouch....bad snap 3rd &34. Sloppy poppy! I just saw the Kyle Wright sound-byte....he's inbred. Big time. And we have a record! Wright was sacked NINE times, a Miami record! Isn't record-keeping wonderful? And it's so funny to see the Miami players trip over themselves, run into each other and fall down, make pointless dives only to land & hurt themselves. Will the lack of timeouts come back to haunt?

[2:16] Miami field goal attempt foiled!!!!!! 10-7 FSU!!! No timeouts left! Run, run, run, run, run, run! Haha, bad snap and poorly handled. Haha!! Miami, you suck. Running!!! Weatherford back in the game, but a huge 9 yard run on 1st down, and this game will be over!!! And that's a FSU winner!!

10-7 the final, FSU over Miami. Miami: 2 missed field goals, bad snap, and a WHOLE LOTTA sacks!! What a game. FSU has some outstanding Defense and Special Teams. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

And I shall close this traditional Miami / FSU column by saying.....

Miami is a good team..              ..for me to poop on!

<| Tuesday September 6th, 2005 |>    "Yes I will break it, and I will enjoy breaking it."

Day 56: --

I've seen a lot of newspaper comics in my day. Most unmemorable, lots of horrible ones and few great ones. This column will deal with the revolving door of comics and not the ones who just quit.

I've seen a few favorites go (Tank McNamara, The Buckets) , I've seen some long-time standards dropped (Beetle Bailey, Hi & Lois, Snuffy Smith, Pogo, Fred Basset (who seemed to change newspapers every decade) Mother Goose and Grimm, Gasoline Alley, Andy Capp,..). Of course, as far as I know, all of these comics are still being drawn today.

Other ones I remember but didn't necessarily care for: Snuffy Smith, Pogo, Walnut Cove, Out of the Gene Pool (which one character looked like a reincarnation of Calvin's brunette mother, complete with the same oval ring eyes and hair-do; immediately made it to my disdain list), Herman, Moon Mullins, Winnie Winkle, The Phantom, Spider Man, Orphan Annie, Agnes, Bound & Gagged and the ever unrealistic Gil Thorpe (somehow a high school football season in the Fall would take a year and a half to tell).   As you can tell, I did a little archive research from the comic pages from 1968, 1976, 1991 and January 1st, 2000.... A healthy mix.

A few things come to mind. A) comics were a LOT bigger (partially due to the fact that newspapers were like 20% bigger) and they weren't trying to cram 10 different columns on the same page), and seem to get printed smaller every decade. B) 15 to 5 years ago, there were 27 comics strips. Today, there's 30. C) missing from comic strips today are all of the super hero action; "serious comics" and the lame western cowboy / Indian stuff that once dominated Americana.   As Berkely Breathed, creator of Bloom County / Outland / Opus once generally said, "I got sick of cramming stories in postage stamp-sized panels [daily strips]". Bill Watterson said the same thing about his strips, and he'd be pissed to see how small his strip is now since its being re-run until Xmas in the paper.

I don't know how or when the people in charge of these comics decide what stays and what goes,   And for the first time probably in the Chicago Tribune's like 200 year existence, the game "Bridge" column is not in the comics anymore, but instead replaced with something called Kudolu, and is merely a grid with numbers in it. Which to me is like, "what the fuck is this shit?" Personally, to get better a "enjoyment percentage", I'd like to see the comics section expanded to 3 to 6 full pages.

I'm sure I brought back a lot of bad childhood memories of pain and ink-stained fingers. Of course, the Newspaper is a dinosaur dying a slow death, and I bet most kids today even don't read the funnies. So why did I talk about this today? A few reasons. The Tribune revamped their comics section on Sunday, and for a long time I wanted to be a comic strip cartoonist. But being my "style" of what it is, I always had trouble (if not crippling trouble) trying to write bits / gags into 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 panels (tho my mock "Dennis the Menace Does Cocaine" single-panel strips were pretty good, tho all I remember is he carried it around in a big cookie jar), so I just stuck with drawing 1 to 8 page stories.

Oh ya, if you're in Illinois, don't bother buying the special license plates (i.e. for preserving wildlife, animal spaying, etc) because the Governor is using the funds to pay other state bills & debts instead of using the money it was specifically targeted for.

<| Wednesday September 7th, 2005 |> "a simple joke from a simple man."

Day 57: --

Pointless tv list of '04-'05. Since it's almost the beginning of the new season of tv shows, let's review and see what kind of crap I was watching in a favorite and particular order.

1. Arrested Development. This show made me laugh the most. And this is definitely one of those shows you have to watch twice to get the subtle things. And this show has what makes a great show: lots of characters.
2. Family Guy. The long 3+ year wait finally ended in May, bringing what we all deserved: new episodes. Tho we're seeing some alarming trends with Peter and all of his drug use and their overall cruelty to Meg. Still just as good, tho.
3. Conan. Not as funny in the second half of the year, but the monologue and skits are still good stuff. Some interviews are interesting, but most of the time, no.
4. The Office. Only 6 episodes and its originality is in question, but Steve Carell has been one of the most underrated comedians around.
5. Mad-TV. 10th year and it's been the best of the past 5 years. It looks like they went back to their roots and went back to an opening monologue with a cast member speaking to the audience, and didn't have as many trendy music groups. They also took a page from the good 'ol SNL of the '70s with having cast members do their stand-up routine and their theatrical actor-buddy skits / improv. And they actually had good, funny written sketches that were thought-out instead of the 3-day to last second utter trash that SNL has been churning out.
6. American Dad. I didn't like this post-Family Guy show because the pilot wasn't really that good, but it got better as the series went on. And one episode had a van reference, which is always a crowd pleaser. Interesting cast. You got your Paul Lynde-esque space alien Roger, your church hating minister Martin Mull, the boyfriend who drives a van, and of course, Stan's outrageous old-fashioned monster personality.
7. Desperate Housewives. Dark art comedy drama about 5 ugly, crazy women who do not have one drop of normalcy in their blood. And who pays the price? Everyone else: the husbands, the neighbors, the children, inanimate objects and of course: everyone else who has to deal with them in society. While it's about 95% predictable, sometimes actually seeing it happen makes it funny. And it probably won't happen this season, but last year the show's writers were caught by surprise on the success and suddenly had to come up with some scripts & fast. Resulted in between 2 to 6-week unbearable delays.
8. Scrubs! After 4 seasons, it's still got that witty * snap! * that makes it so unique and funny. Plus it has John "the Guy" C. McGinley. We call him that because he's in a lot of movies and stuff, but plays these wacky random characters. And he's such an asshole on the show.
9. King of the Hill. Hit and miss, but they still made some pretty good episodes which will remain as classics. It's still as strong as ever, and it's sad to hear they're thinking this Fall is going to be the last season. Judge has said "there's only so many ideas left." But one of the ideas is to age the teenagers and put them in high school and Bobby would inevitably have to get a deep voice, unless he's that much of a genetic nightmare. Doing this would add a few more years to the show, but completely change the dynamic of it.
10. Hell's Kitchen. Sting-look a-like chef Gordon Ramsey, the very angry British chef who I deemed as "Sting" and his endless parade of profanity and his torture of forcing fat idiots to cook an unreasonable amount of food in 130 degree heat in an unrealistic time allotment. "Fucking shut it down!!!!"
11. Trading Spouses. Yeah, I hate myself for watching another reality show. I didn't mean to, but I watched it a few times. And basically, it was families trading their mom's for a week. And every time, it was always a Conservative family and a Liberal family. Two 1-hour episodes per trade. Tho the amusing thing was how one family realized how horrible their real mom really is.

Mentionables: the Apprentice. I was forced to watch one episode and I had to know who ended up winning. Even tho I forget right now, I did get to see the biggest asshole who everyone hated cry in front of Trump.
The O.C. I started watching late/caught up in the 2nd season, and saw a few from the 1st. I'm told it's not as good because it's getting too involved / boring.

^ v falling out: According to Jim. Two and a Half Men....it's the same joke over and over. Reba. Still Standing. King of Queens. I could live never seeing these shows ever again. But I guess I'll watch out of boredom.

Dishonorable mentions: The Simpsons. Just let it die already. SNL. One of the worst seasons in memory. Horrible, horrible guest hosts with only 1 or 2 exceptions, and Weekend Update was brutal. Oh, and did I mention U2 performed on the show? And not the standard 2 times, they performed a whopping 4 times! Thankfully the 4th song got cut in the middle due to time limitations on tv, but jesus.

<| Thursday September 8th, 2005 |> "what, me passive?? Fuck YOU!!!!"

Day 58: -- 1175. bob dylan - ballad in plain d - 1176. Bob Dylan - It Ain't Me Babe

Does it make me a bad employee to say that a fat-assed baseball pitcher call his boss/ the commissioner an "idiot" but think he was completely in the right and was wrongfully forced to apologize? Does it make me a "bad" customer if I don't feel bad for yelling at children in the supermarket when they're breaking things / opening candy and screaming & have no regard for other people or awareness for their surroundings?

Does it make me a *bad* fan for rooting against my favorite team to lose & not prevent the opponent from covering the spread? Should i feel *bad* for punching the old lady who was competing to get a laptop even tho she cut in front in line of me?

Does it make me a *bad* driver even tho *I'm* the one who waits his turn in turn lanes & doesn't turn on red lights and goes 5 to 10 mph over the speed limit like you're supposed to, but I roll down the window and scream expletives at people who are turning left on red lights while they're breaking the law?

Does it make me a *bad* literate or writer if I believe we should ban certain books from schools and hold town book-burnings? Does it make me a bad role model that children shouldn't be watching cartoons or playing with trendy toys & action figures but watch Jeopardy and the news & play sports instead? Does it make me a bad environmentalist by breaking wind somuch?

<| Friday September 9th, 2005 |> "could you make anymore noise? I don't think the Dead heard you."

Day 59: --

"in light of alarming gasoline prices, and with school buses getting a whopping 8 miniscule miles to the gallon, the school board has decided to replace all school buses with electric trolleys. Also, the trolleys have been instructed not to stop unless for stop signs and red lights. The children will have to jump on to the ever-moving trolley to catch a ride to school. This process is also designed to whip kids into the shape. Gradually as the school year goes on, the trolley will be increasing in speed.

This referendum was met with extreme opposition and disapproval, until everyone found out that school taxes would have to been increased by 400% if the school buses remained. The opposition suddenly took a sharp turn and was overwhelmingly approved. The local bike shop has also seen a colossal increase in business, and the Track & Field team now has a record number of athletes and is ranked # 1 in the state."

<| Saturday September 10th, 2005 |> "learn, to forget"

Day 60: 1177. Bob Dylan - The Times They Are a-Changin' -- 1196. Bob Dylan - Gates of Eden

I have decided not to do football Bears scoreboard this year.
Bears Q & A. The following is some jibber jabber.
By Dolph Rudager � On the NFL beat (AP) ILLINOIS

Q: Orton starts out against one of the top pass defenses in the NFL. I think he has to climb up to a 74 rating rather than start there and "go up" from there, seem pretty realistic, yeah?

A: Technically he'll start at 0.0. And I really don't give a shit about QB ratings. They're meaningless to me, just like the "WHIP" stat in baseball.

Q: A lot depends on how well the Bears will be able to run the ball and how much Orton keeps it simple, right?

A: Not really. Running is just isn't "50%" of the game anymore. There's passing, defense and special teams that can & will contribute to points.

Q: If the kid has to rely on himself to get the Bears back in games... yikes.

A: If he needs any motivation, he should look at his paycheck and then look in the mirror. This is the NFL...'fun time' is over.

Q: I think you guys really don't want Orton starting this year (for the possible long-term damage to his psyche if things go south). Yeah?

A: Not really my fucking problem. He's just another QB in the NFL and we can always draft more and sign more QB's. There will never, ever be a shortage of QB's.

Q: Part of me understands this, but 99% of the time it's a bad, bad idea to start a rookie QB. Right?

A: Rookies are going to have to start & play sometime. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you're stuck with someone or something and think, "I better save that frozen pizza for a few months because it won't taste as good if I cook it today!" Please. The sooner he gets in there, the sooner he learns and progresses.

Q: I think the Bears will win this game 31-11, don't you??

A: The Bears will lose 10-6.

Q: The Bears certainly have "issues." But I think it's a winnable game, ya?

A: We all have issues. But especially you.

Q: Do you think that the Bears offense will have trouble against the Redskin's 3rd ranked defense of last year and will this year's Bears going to score some points?

A: I really couldn't care less.

Q: What do you think the keys to the game will be?

A: Hmmmmm, oh I don't know. Maybe gaining yards, scoring touchdowns, not dropping passes, making field goals and not turning the fucking ball over. What, do I look like a fucking Professor to you??

Q: The last time the Bears had cheerleaders, it was in 1985 when we won the Super Bowl. Bring back the Honey Bears!!

A: No. Cheerleaders are stupid and a distraction. I just want to see the damn game. And I think stupid people like cheerleaders, because they're stupid.

This has been one of the simplest and easiest columns I have ever written. You can reach me at [email protected]

<| Sunday September 11th, 2005 |> "My eyes have seen you, I'm fucking with your soul."

Day 61: --

Throw-away Sunday column!

The bastard "upset score" of NAACF appears to be 17-10 (2 in a row)

Bears lost 9-7! That's about as close as I'm going to get to predicting an NFL score of 10-6. But you know what the saddest thing is? The Redskins didn't cover the spread.

One of the names considered for this blog: "Column of Shit"

Thought once funny but now not: broken glasses and brown spiders running amuck

Commentary: From me to you: retire, Hawk Now I just may be a simple Sox fan from the past 17+ years, but listening to last night's play-by-play tears it.

Last night, in the 12th inning, the call on Vlad's double to center field was one of the most embarrassing botched calls I have ever heard in my life. The second the ball left the bat, Hawk sulks, "it's 6-5 Angels". The damn ball hadn't even made it past the infield yet! Hawk this year, more than ever, seems to be calling homeruns, balls, strikes, outs, before they happen or *if* they even happen. Never mind that a few nights earlier he lost track of the outs in the Royal's 7th inning.

And while his ultra-homerism gets on my nerves sometimes, his accuracy is really starting to wane. I don't know if it's ego, the senility, or a short attention span, or DJ or what. He seems to becoming more angry in his old age (he just turned 64 on Sunday). Listening to him call games is like watching a snowman decay in the heat.

It's time to bring in some fresh blood to both White Sox television booth seats. Dare I nominate Ed Farmer & Steve Stone? This move would bring instant respectability, creditability and class.

<| Monday September 12th, 2005 |> "you're getting ipecac."

Day 62: --

Angry Dad pilot script.

Breakfast time in the kitchen.

Angry Dad: "oh god damn it. Another day in my shitty life with my stupid family."

Wife: **runs in** "Oh sorry I gotta run, honey you'll have to cook your own toast! Love you, bye!" **runs out**

Angry Dad: "God damn it! I can't believe this! I don't deserve this shit!"

15 year old daughter: "Dad I need more money for clothes."

Angry Dad: "You shut up, damn it! And stop dressing up like a slut! Penny whore! Stop whoring yourself up! Whore! Whore-slut!"

14 year old son: "yeah uh, I'm going to hang out at the mall and need $300 for the new iPod."

Angry Dad: "I'm sorry we ever had you. You're a big disappointment and a waste of my money. Money I should be spending on myself because I EARNED it instead of wasting it on your stupid shit."

14 year old son: **perplexed** "Um, that"s great, dad."

Angry Dad: "You fucking shut up and listen to me when I'm talking to you!"

15 year old daughter: **shouts** "I hate this stupid family!!!"

Angry Dad: **shouts even louder** "I hate it more!!!!!!"

15 year old daughter: "oh whatever!"

Angry Dad: "That's it! Your bedroom door is coming off!"

Time passes & dinnertime arrives. Scene: family at the table eating.

Wife: "you know honey, I'm going to be away for 2 weeks with the Church on our annual "Forceful Christian Conversion Retreat" so you're going to have to watch the kids."

Angry Dad: "Oh come on! No! No..NO!! God damn it! I don't want to!"

14 year old son: "funny thing happened at the Mall today. Nathan ..."

Angry Dad: "I don't want to hear this story!!"

15 year old daughter: "Me and Kelly were like talking on the phone all afternoon and..."

Angry Dad: "That's it! You're dead, kid! You think Anytime-Minutes grow on trees??"

Wife: **passing bowl** "Oh honey, it looks like we're out of gravy. There's not enough left for you."

Angry Dad: "That's it! I'm running away from this family!"

**everyone pauses** **everyone laughs**

Angry Dad: "I'm gone!!" **runs out of the room & runs around outside**

14 year old son: "Oh, dad is so funny!"

3 hours later into the evening

15 year old daughter: **looking out front window** "I think dad ran away for good this time."

Wife to kids: "And if he did, we will spend all of his money and all of the time in every single episode every week tracking him down and making sure he's back here because it's his legal obligation and to be with his family who he loves so much!"

Angry Dad: **at a train station and towards the camera** "I hate my family so much!"

END

The Aftermath: So yeah, I sent the script in to CBS, ABC and Fox. They all responded with basically the same thing: it's not very original or inspiring; not much thought or effort put into it; but unfortunately all 3 decided it was good enough for tv & picked up the pilot so now there's that problem.

<| Tuesday September 13th, 2005 |> "by perchance....are your walls padded?"

Day 63: --

Some scenes from a 1970s show called "My 8 kids".

dad: **thinking out loud to himself while at his desk at work** "Boy, having 8 kids sure is a lot of work. Of course, it makes it so much easier when you just block out the word "vacation" and you don't have a television to distract you. And having kids is so much fun! We play football in the park while risking serious injury with no health insurance. And well, since gasoline is only 50 cents a gallon and no insurance is mandatory, we're just gettin' by, plus Governor Reagan is keeping our taxes nice and low. Nobody thought we could churn out 8 kids in 8 consecutive years, but we proved them wrong!! Haha!" **goes back to work**

**cut to scene in bedroom**

dad: **in front of mirror putting on tie** "Boy I sure have a lot of bills to pay. I don't know how I support these 8 kids with my meager newspaper editor salary. I sure wish "love" paid the bills. Today's generation has it so lucky."

**cut to scene in car**

dad: **talking to himself while driving around town** "Man I have so much to do today. I have to beg the bank to take out a 15th mortgage on the house, and I have to visit 4 clients to negotiate more delayed payment plans."

**cut to scene in the kitchen**

dad: **opens fridge** **says to self** Boy, it sure would be nice to have something else besides milk, pickles and peanut butter & bread around here. Oh well. I guess I just don't know any better! Haha! Of course, I haven't eaten a lunch in 20 years or have eaten a piece of non-rat meat, but it's alllllll worth it! **smiles**

kid #6: **screams from upstairs** "daddddddddddddd Susan is going to a football game & a dorm party full of boys!"

dad: "like HELL she is!!! Ugh! God damn it! **runs out of kitchen**

**cut to a scene in the family den**

kid # 5: "Why can't we have a newspaper subscription??"
dad: "Because it's too expensive!"
kid # 5: "But you WORK at a newspaper!"
dad: "are you suggesting i STEAL a newspaper from work?? You unbelievably stupid kid!"
mother: "anybody seen the olive green wood-paneled station wagon?"

**cut to scene of the den late in the evening**

dad: **sitting in his chair & watching the fire in the fire place** "I don't know. sometimes I get yelled at while walking down the street and get blamed for all of the over-population to the planet fueling our imminent doom. I keep telling them President Ford is going to get re-elected and will put an end to immigration so we won't have a food, oil or a job resource problem. That's what I keep telling them! We have nothing to worry about. A father knows best."

**cut to different night in the den scene**

dad: **sitting on the couch thinking out loud** "I don't know, having 8 kids sure is a lot of hard work and suffering. I mean, i just had these *urges* and just did what God told me to do, that's all. I sacrificed all of my youth, my freedom, my financial well-being, my credit and my happiness for these kids, and for that I shouldn't end up in Hell. I've never done anything wrong in my entire life.... except for that one Tuesday where I hit the truck of puppies and kittens on the way to the post office because the house mortgage payment was due at the bank at 10am or else. I mean, I had to, otherwise we would had been screwed. I think I did the right thing. I mean, I couldn't help because when I hit it, the truck scrawled around & then went over the bridge railing and ran off the edge and fell 15 feet to the ground and blew up. It was just impossible to help the situation! Yeah, I don't think I'm going to hell."

Satan in Hell: **looking at a printout sheet** "oh ho ho ho ho ho! Don't be so sure, dumbass!"

<| Wednesday September 14th, 2005 |> "a green vegetable has never, ever entered a White Castle restaurant"

Day 64: -- 1197. Bob Dylan - It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) -- 1222. Bob Dylan - Day Of The Locusts

Boy am I one happy camper! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Boy did the Sox ever drop the ball tonight! Way to suck in K.C.! Sox blew a 9-4 lead, then a 9-7 lead in the 9th. And Cleveland also won, too! Which means, the once cocktacular 15 games lead is now down to a recockculous 5 game lead! I want to see Ozzie pull this shit out of his ass and prove the White Sox are "indeed" the best team in the A.L. He got very cocky with a huge lead and played our inferior bench too much, to the point where his strategy backfired and now he has to work on it. His whole goal was to "clinch as soon as possible" but yet, didn't put the best team on the field he could to do it. If he wants my respect as a Sox fan, he better use his skills to win, but now the starters are getting shelled, Buehrle, Garcia and Garland are all in the top 10 of innings pitched, never a good sign for a playoff team. And don't get me started on Ozzie's insane idea to blacklist / DL one of the key lefty's in the bullpen, for reasons unknown (arrived to a game late, said he wasn't fit to pitch or something) and now Ozzie wants to punish the whole team by making sure Marte doesn't pitch in a Sox uniform ever again??

Come on, if a Manager has a riff with a player, fine the player or make him run like 300 laps, don't punish the team or the fans because the idiot Manager "has some stupid problem". That always made me laugh when football coaches bench their star players because of shit off the field. What the hell kind of coach puts teaching morale ahead of winning? There's no morality in football! It's all win, win, win, baby!. You punish him during the week, like making him go to his classes, pick up trash on campus & the side of the road or toilet duty on party nights.... don't take it out and punish the team. Way to really fuck over your season and fuck over all of your fans & sponsors who pay the tickets.

-o-

And it's finally happened: somebody got injured in the middle of a homerun! "Red Sox outfielder Gabe Kapler ruptured his left Achilles' tendon while rounding 2nd base on Tony Graffanino's 5th inning homer in Wednesday night's 5-3 win in Toronto". Well, what makes this so amusing? It just is! The homerun trot is the easiest, most lax run there IS in baseball! Tho to be fair, the injury occurred on yep.... you guessed it! Field Turf! He musta stepped on a lump of shredded tire or something, but this shit is causing a LOT of injuries in sports.

Update: mentioned in a past UDCP column, apparently the Trib has cut two strips to put back their precious "Bridge" game column in. I mean, who gives a shit about that shit? Stupid old ladies in retirement homes? This is why young generations can't wait until all of these old fartsdie off.

<| Thursday September 15th, 2005 |> "I'm 'ants in a picnic' ??"

Day 65: --

Another baseball idea:

Alright, I'm sick of this bullshit: you miss the 1st pitch / out / play of the inning due to the stupid commercial. So here's my solution: show the game on "delayed live" and make it a game of reviews.

Apparently we also miss plays thanks to replays of the previous play. So I say, show the game a good 10 minutes on delay, and make every inning just one replay after the other. Show double plays & basehits and homeruns, walks, strikeouts again and again from every possible camera angle. >>Insert: HA! I just missed the 1st pitch / fly-out of the bottom of the Royals 3rd as I write this!!

And as for pitch sequences, just give us the skinny: just show them all back-to-back quickly. It's funny how baseball is so slow that they almost have to show replays every single at-bat, but yet we miss so many pitches and plays because of it.

haha AJ Pierzynski. On a 3-0 count, gets 2 very low consecutive change-ups for strikes (unusual) then gets a 3-2 fastball and pops it up, then suddenly, he screams, "OH GOD DAMN IT!!!" and slams / fires the bat into the ground. And of course, Hawk and DJ laughed because of what AJ did, and you could totally hear it on tv, too. Why? It's a Thursday afternoon game in KC, it's raining / drizzling, it's the Sox (always a poor draw) and the Royals are about to lose 100 games this year, but there's maybe 100 people in the stadium. You could hear a pin drop in that place. It is that bare.

I always enjoy hearing profanity during baseball games. Reminds me of the time when big dumb Rob Dibble was pitching for the Sox in '95, with his curly blonde mullet, threw a pitch like 99 mph for a ball, and then screamed "FUCK!!!" as loud as he could.

And the lead is down to 4 1/2 games.

<| Friday September 30th, 2005 |> �we had to move away because our neighbor was a cartoonist.�

Day 80: --

Some other but obscure NFL penalties.:

20 yard penalty: helmet off on the field
10 yard penalty: uniform wet
15 yard penalty for jersey and pant stripes not lined up
5 yard penalty for being an asshole
15 yard penalty for excess from excess endzone celebrating over 30 seconds.
5 yard penalty: too much tape on fingers.
20 yard penalty / loss of down: home crowd too loud.
25 yard personal foul penalty: dropping syringe on field
15 yard penalty / ejection from game: excessive taunting
10 yard penalty for resuming play too quickly during TV timeout
5 yard penalty because head coach made stupid play call
Game misconduct / ejection / 4 game suspension: player not wearing official sponsor�s shoe, sweatband or sock.
15 penalty personal foul for stepping on Official's flag.

<| Thursday September 29th, 2005 |> �Be careful. But of course, if you die�I can replace you.�

Day 79: --

Oh shit. Well the first fatality of the 2-week old television season came to me on Wednesday nights at 8, the stupid-comedy of �Head Cases� was canceled after only two episodes. I mean, it wasn�t that bad, it was funny to see two stupid lawyers go crazy for nothing. I mean, Fox gave up so quickly on it for no reason and�.. oh� it was put up against �Lost�.

Well the White Sox clinched their second division title this decade today which I listened to on the radio. Yeah, none of that bullshit wild card shit for us. Tho it would be nice to win a game in the playoffs and this team succeed inspite of Idiot Ozzie. Actually, this season....it was a lot more to do with the other teams screwing up more. This offensive couldn�t have been more gaunt. And how far will this team go into the playoffs? Well, first off, they have home-field advantage for the entire playoffs, including WS, which is not good news for a team with the best road-record in MLB. Go figure, eh? The team is starting to hit better now, but the over-use of the bullpen worries me. The team will be an underdog for the entire playoffs, rightfully so. I don�t know. It could be a quick week.

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