Murphy's Law Applies to Music

(as first printed in The Instrumentalist -  September/1994) by Robert Reely

Trotter's Law of Percussion Music

Percussionists will consistently lose music as a concert  approaches.

• Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not  admit losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.

The Uncertainty Principal

The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be  known simultaneously.

• Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.

Percussion Will Travel Principle

On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment  will be left at the school.

Percussion Won't Travel Principle

On every band trip one important piece of equipment will be left  at the performance site.

Diminishing Quality rule to the Percussion Won't Travel  Principle

At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched  with that of another school.

• Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality.

Law of Lost Drumsticks

Percussionists will lose sticks.

Corollaries:

• Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen.
• The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are purchased.

Stidman's Law of Doors

The largest timpani is always four inches wider than the door to  the auditorium.

Murphy's Law on Instruments

An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time.

• Corollary: The instrument will belong to a first chair player.

Baldwin's Law

Instruments are easier to break than to fix.

Wyszkowski's Law

Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Principals of Instrument Repair

• The screwdriver of the correct size head will be missing when it is needed  to tighten a woodwind key.
• When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size.
• When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part  of the room.

Law of Diminishing Repairs

After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others  will malfunction.

Mouthpiece Inertia Principle

Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge.

Halbrook's Axiom

A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it.

Law of Selective Operation

Brass valves will stick on test days.

Corollaries:

• They will not stick when the director tries them.
• They will stick again when the student resumes playing.

Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership

If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
If you  throw anything away, you will need it the next day.

Communication Principle

When a director gives students letters for parents,
15% will be  left on music stands,
25% will be inside the music,
15% will rot in  instrument cases,
15% will be left in lockers,
15% will crawl under the  student's bed,
and 15% of the parents will actually receive the  letter
(although only 7% will actually read it...)

Tillis' Organizational Principle

If you file it, you'll know where it is - but never need it.
If you don't file it, you'll need it - but never know where it is.

Edward's Law of Time & Effort

Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort  will be small.
As time remaining approaches zero, the effort approaches  infinity.

• Corollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Rollin's Rule of Organization

The more you plan, the greater is the confusion when things go  wrong.

Copier Breakdown Principle

Copiers will break down when there is only one more copy to make.

Left-Right Principle

At least one person is out of step in any one drill movement.

Murphy's Law of Majorettes

If a majorette can drop a baton, she will.

• Corollary: The drop occurs at the near side-line.

Reely's Principle

Any piece you select as a closer will have a final note one step  higher than the first trumpet can play.

Peter's Placebo

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

The Weather Report Rule

On game and contest days, bad weather reports are more often  correct than good ones.

Law of Perverse Weather

If the weather looks like it's going to downpour and you decide  not to march at half-time because a downpour is inevitable, the weather will  clear.
If you decide to march, the rain will begin with the downbeat.

Global-Warming Principle

Temperatures the day before a Christmas parade will be in the 60's  and dry.
The day of the parade will be 5 degrees with snow.

Small Band Dilemma

The drum major is always the best trumpet player.

New Stadium Maxim

Upon entering a stadium for the first time, bands that enter on  the east side have seats on the west side.

Rural Visiting Band Axiom

The stands for the visiting band will be decrepit and almost  impossible to use.

• Corollary: The stadium lights will be in front of the stands so no one can  see the music after it gets dark.

Win-Loss Appreciation Equation

The poorer the record of a football team, the greater the  appreciation for the band.

Uniform Shortage Postulate

There will always be at least one band student who cannot find a  uniform that fits.

Forgotten Uniform Parts Law

Part of at least one uniform will be left behind on every away  game.

Electronic Ratio Principle

The potential for disaster increases in direct proportion to how  much electronic equipment is used to prepare a half-time show.

Hole in the Show Law

After summer practices you will always be at least one person  short of what you charted the show for.

Reely on Drill Design

The only thing worse that writing half-time drills is seeing the  finished product on the field.

Blind Lead the Blind Principle

Band students playing correctly will always follow the students  who are playing something incorrectly.

Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading

Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have.

Corollaries:

• Cues will not be provided.
• If they are provided, they will be on the music of your weakest section.

Murphy's Music Stand Principle

The music stand you get will wobble.

Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction

If you take a music stand apart and put it together enough times,  eventually you will have two of them.

Anything You Can Do Law

When something is done well, three trumpet players think they  could have done it better.

Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration

Office aides always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels  peak.
Students late for class are always those who sit in the center of the  ensemble.

Post-Concert Maxim

At least one instrument out of five will stay at home the day  after a performance.

Missing Mute Principle

At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any  rehearsal.

Atchison's Law of Difficult Music

Students hate music with seemingly unconquerable difficulties.

Vent's Special Request Dilemma

When preparing music requested at the last minute by the  superintendent, there will be no score or first trumpet part.

Contest Pronunciation Principle

If a composition or composer's name can be mispronounced as the  program is being introduced, it will.

New Instrument Aversion Law

If a parent can find a cheaper, practically unplayable instrument  from their Aunt Flotilla, the will.

The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle

Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart.

Alternate Fingerings Axiom

Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten.

Two Laws of Beginning Trombone Playing

One out of every four starting trombone players will be  hearing-impaired.
Beginning trombone players use their spry bottles more on  other band members than on slides.

Lost and Found Principle of Beginning Band Books

At least one beginning band book will be left on the music stand  after class each day.

Corollaries:

• It will usually be the same student.
• If it's not the same student, there will be no name in the book.

Beginning Players Concert Law

There will be one video camera for every three beginning  musicians

Media Favoritism Law

There are always more pictures of the rival school's band in the  newspaper than yours.

Stern's Observation on Student Musicians

Most hear what they think they are playing rather than how it  actually sounds.

The Solo and Ensemble Dilemma

Find the perfect solo for a student, and the piano accompaniment  is missing.

• Corollary: The piece is out of print.

Taylor's Principle of Instrument Purchases

Bu a new instrument one week and you will find a better price  later.

Band Budget Theorem

The budget is inversely proportional to the size of the music  program.

Spear's Law of Printing

Some errors always go unnoticed until the music is in print.

O'Connor's Addendum to Spear's Law

The first page the composer turns to after receiving an advance  copy contains the worst error.

Murphy's Law of Applause

If parents can clap at the wrong time, they will.

• Corollary: Half the audience will giggle as the band continues playing.

Two Principles of Cymbal Cueing

Cue the cymbal player and he/she will not enter.
Cue the cymbal  player and he/she still will not enter.

Law of Selective Acoustics

The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are  sitting.
It cannot be heard from the podium.

Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks

Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the  music.

Barton's Interpretation Principle

If you select one of four logical interpretations of a concert  work, the three judges will like the others better.

The Play It Again Sam Axiom

At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest  piece.

• Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better.

Surprise Symphony Principle

At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in  rehearsal will go haywire.

Pop Music Principle

A student's practice time is directly proportional to how many  copies of printed pop music he/she owns.

Tuba Will Travel Principle

Tuba players and other players of exotic instruments always move  out of the district, not in.

Paper-Cutter Principle

If you can slice off part of the marching music, you will.