Shwaa

Insanity Abounds

Chapter Fifteen: Grandpa's and a Trip Downstream

Van: (skipping in circles) Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!

Saruman: Stop it! Stop it!

Kit: (grabs his sleeve) Why Grandpa, dearest? Don�t you love us?

Saruman: (pulling away frantically) You are all mad! Get away from me!

Kit: (chases after him) But we love you, Grandpa!

Van: Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!

Saruman: Curse you evil little wenches! No amount of power in the universe is worth this!

Van: Grandpa! I want a pony and a cookie and a pony and a cookie and a cookie and a pony and a�

Saruman: Shut up! Just shut up! I am not your grandfather! I have no relation to you! I am not getting you anything!

Kit: (cute puppy dog face) But Grandpa! We want a pony and a cookie and a pony and a cookie and a cookie and a pony and a�

Van: And a pony and a cookie and a pony and a cookie and a cookie and a pony and a cookie!

Saruman: No! I will not meet your demands! Return to your room this instant! Be gone with you�..you evil wretches!

Van: (to Kit) Why do I get the feeling that Grandpa doesn�t really like us?

Saruman: Because I am not your Grandfather and I hate you! I *hate* you! Be gone!

Kit: I don�t know what ever gave you that impression! He seems like such a kindly old man!

Saruman: (bellowing) OUT!

Van: Okie Grandpa. Don�t forget to take your medication!

Saruman: (suddenly calmed) Oh, why thank you, I almost forgot�wait! (angry again) I don�t take any medication! I don�t even know what medication is!

Kit: (shakes her head solemnly) Poor Grandpa! That memory loss thing is really starting to take it�s toll!

Van: (leading Saruman to his big chair) Come on Grandpa, let�s get you settled!

Saruman: (struggling) Let go of me! I do not want to be settled!

Kit: Of course you do! Now there you go! Sit down, nice and comfy!

Van: Here! Look at the nice picture book and then we�ll leave you be.

(Van finds a picture book, hands it to Saruman, and then grabs Kit by the arm, dragging her the whole way back up to their room.)

Kit: Hey, quit it! (hops into her cot) That was not necessary!

Van: Yes it was! �Grandpa� is creepy! I want to get out of here! Besides, he smells like an old guy.

Kit: Gee, I wonder why that could be. Maybe BECAUSE HE�S OLD!?

Van: Hmm, that thought never occurred to me.

Kit: I need a hobbity hug. Or some Lysol. This place wreaks and is dirty. Could use some of that lemony fresh shine.

Van: I want my leggy-doodles!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Harper: (singing while rowing the boat) Row, row, row your boat, gently down the Great Anduin! Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, life really sucks.

Merry: Are you talking about me?

Harper: No.

Merry: Oh. Okay.

Stevie: Well, that was mighty creative.

Harper: Wasn�t it? I thought you were sleeping.

Stevie: I wasn�t sleeping! I told you that! I was looking at the clouds tying to see if I can make out any purple bunnies or neon orange mutant goats.

Harper: (shrugs) Same difference.

Stevie: I am going to smack you.

Harper: Bring it. I�m the one with the oar, remember?

Stevie: Oh, shove it. My arms hurt. I should have let you row. I think we�re going to have a problem by time I have to row again.

Harper: Don�t worry about it. I can handle everything.

Stevie: Now I�m scared. You�re not gonna let the boat just float away and let Mr. I�m-Floating-on-a-Log-Behind-You-But-You-Can�t-See-Me eat me, are you?

Harper: If you�re referring to a certain (raises voice considerably) GOLLUM (talks normally again) than no. If you�re referring to anything else, I have no idea what your talking about so it�s always a possibility.

Mysterious Log: HISSS!

Stevie: Why�d you have to let him know that we all know he�s there?

Harper: (raises voice) SO THAT HE KNOWS IF HE BRINGS HIS CREEPY ARSE OVER HERE AT ANY POINT AND TIME I�M GONNA OPEN UP A FRESH CAN OF WHOOPARSE!

Aragorn: Harper, stop yelling at Gollum.

Harper: I can yell at Gollum if I want to.

Aragorn: No you can�t.

Harper: (raises voice again) YELLING YELLING YELLING YELLING AT GOLLUM GOLLUM GOLLUM GOLLUM!

Aragorn: That is it! When we make camp tonight you get to go out any try and catch him. Spend some quality time with a random creepy guy.

Stevie: That won�t be necessary. She�s already been sleeping near Boromir every night anyway. I think that�s punishment enough.

Boromir: (looks saddened) Harper, I thought we worked all that out. You told me you didn�t have a problem with it.

Harper: That�s because I don�t. Stevie�s being a nuisance. If she really wants to start with me I can always reveal her deepest darkest secrets.

Stevie: (gasps) You wouldn�t! I would tell all of yours then�..and then you�d kill me, but that�s okay.

Harper: Go ahead. Tell them everything! I don�t care! They�re all gonna find out someday anyway.

Pippin: What deepest darkest secrets?

Stevie: I can�t tell you.

Pippin: Why not?

Legolas: I think, little one, that that is because it is a secret.

Pippin: Oh. Kinda like the ones me and Merry have?

Merry: Pippin!

Harper: Everyone shut up. We sound stupid.

Stevie: You sound stupid.

Harper: Oh shut up!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Van: (running around their room in circles) Vrooooooooooom! Vrooooooom!

Kit: Shut up.

Van: My, my, aren�t we cranky!

Kit: No I�m just going insane. I have never been this bored in my entire life!

Van: What about that time she locked you in the closet in her basement and left you there for five hours with nothing to do?

Kit: I had something to do. If you remember correctly, she told me �now while your in here I want you to think about why blowing up Harper�s CD player is a bad idea, and if you stop thinking it I�ll know because I have superpowers. Then I shall kill you.� I had to think really hard because I didn�t want her to kill me.

Van: She wouldn�t have known if you had stopped thinking.

Kit: Yeah, I know. But I didn�t realize that until after I got out and she told me.

Van: Do you wanna go visit Grandpa now?

Kit: No. Last time we went down there he was looking at his special stack of �picture books�. Note the fact that those were dirty magazines, he�s old, and it was nasty.

Van: I didn�t even know they had magazines here.

Kit: Either did I. But now we know�..unfortunately.

Van: He�s a pervy old wizard, that he is.

Kit: I wonder what ever happened to Shplurgsie?

Van: Hmm�..good question�..

Kit: I want a pet moose.

Van: Where they heck did that come from?

Kit: The recesses of my simple mind.

Van: Oh. Okay.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Stevie: Oh yeah, I�m rowing, and ow, my arms hurt, and yeah, I�m rowing!

Harper: My song was so much more original!

Legolas: Will you stop singing. It�s dreadful.

Stevie: I am hurt by that.

Gimli: I didn�t think it was that bad, except for the severe lack of any real words.

Aragorn: Gimli, you are never allowed to sing again.

Gimli: (pouts) Oh.

Harper: No more Elvish songs for you or Legolas, either! By time you finish it I�ll be old and dead. Really really dead.

Legolas: They aren�t that long.

Stevie: We�ll, you�re immortal. What do you know.

Pippin: Merry and I would be glad to sing some more drinking songs!

Merry: Why do you always volunteer me for things?

Pippin: Because I can.

Boromir: I vote that no one sings. Ever again.

Pippin: We�ve never heard you sing.

Boromir: And there is a very good reason for that.

Merry: What? Can�t you sing?

Boromir: Of course I can sing. Everyone can sing. It just isn�t something I would want to expose any of you too.

Harper: Oh, how kind of you.

Boromir: Be quiet.

Harper: (mock saluting) Aye aye, Cap�n Crunch!

<< Back ¦ Next >>

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws