(We see Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, and Stevie running across some plains and stuff. You know, running, running, running, like a bunch of constipated Weiner dogs? No, you probably don�t. Anyway. They are running. Or at least Aragorn and Legolas who aren�t normal are running. Gimli is trudging at an advanced pace, and Stevie is sort of jogging.)
Aragorn: Come on, We�re gaining on them! Gimli, hurry up!
Gimli: I hate running! Can we stop?
Aragorn: Not now. Once we have Merry and Pippin found and back to safety then you can rest all you like!
Legolas: Come on, Gimli. Cheer up. It isn�t that bad. Stevie are you all right?
Stevie: I hate exercise. This is horrible. Note that I am not doing this for you, Legolas, or Gimli, or even Aragorn. I do this for our short little friends. After this, I am never moving again.
Legolas: What are you talking about? I think this is quite pleasant.
Stevie: (glares at him) I hate Elves. Always so perky and weird.
Legolas: I am not perky!
Gimli: You�re perky.
Legolas: No I am not!
Aragorn: Will all of you just be quiet and keep moving? The more arguing we do, the closer to danger Merry and Pippin become!
(And so they keep running. And when they are done running, they run some more. Runny run run run!)
(Now we see Merry and Pippin, who are slung over the shoulders of two different Uruks. The Uruks are currently running across the plains of Rohan�..not like constipated Weiner dogs�..well, their Uruks. I don�t know how you tell if an Uruk is running like a constipated Weiner dog. Anyway, they are carrying off our two little Hobbity friends, most likely to Isengard, duh�.. Pippin is busy trying to get Merry�s attention, but Merry is currently unconscious with I giant gash above his right eyebrow.)
Pippin: Merry! Merry!
(With no response from Merry, Pippin begins to think. Then, suddenly, all the Uruks stop.)
Uruk 1: (sniffs) Grrr�..
Uruk 2: What do you smell?
Uruk 1: Man flesh!
Uruk 2: They must be tracking us! Come on! Let go!
Pippin: Aragorn!
(Pippin begins pulling on the Lothlorien brooch he has on his cloak. He finally manages to bite it off and spit it out, leaving it on the ground for Aragorn to find.)
(Back at the Anduin, we find Harper still pushing the boat up the shore. Well, at some point she actually had to get in the water and kick to propel the boat forward when the river does in between some giant rock walls where there is no shore. But now she was back on the shore. In other words, she�s heading up the river in the direction of Lothlorien, but with no intentions of stopping there.)
Harper: I�ve been traveling for three days and nights with no rest. Ugh. Well, at least Cap�n Crunch isn�t awake yet. I hope I didn�t kill him. I mean he�s breathing and stuff, but if he just dies on me or something all of this will be pointless!
(She stops pushing for a moment and stares at the unconscious figure. He smiles to herself.)
Harper: He�s so cute when he�s you in Lala Land. Enjoy it while it lasts, I say, because when he wakes, I am going to get my head bitten off. I just hope he lets me explain first. Maybe he�ll be a good boy and stay out for another 400 miles so I can get him to where I think I want to get him�..if it is where I think it is�..
(She begins to push the boat again. She began to think to herself that 400 miles wasn�t that far. They had gone farther with the Fellowship. After all, it couldn�t take that long to get to the Gladden River�..could it?)
(Our four other heroes are still running. Actually, Aragorn is stopped. He now has his head pressed against a rock. Yeah, a rock. Curious.)
Aragorn: They are quickening their pace. They must have caught our scent!
Stevie: Well, than maybe we should try and catch up to them?
Legolas: Hurry!
Gimli: When I find these orcs I am going to kill them. They shall feel the blade of my axe!
Stevie: Gimli�s pissed.
Aragorn: Run! We must find the hobbits!
(And so off they run again until they come to this place between some rocks. The grass there is trampled. It is here that Aragorn bends down and finds the Lothlorien brooch that Pippin left behind.)
Aragorn: (looking at it) No idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.
Legolas: They may yet still be alive! Come on Gimli! We are gaining on them!
(Gimli comes flying out onto the grass with a thud, landing on the grass. Stevie comes running in after him.)
Gimli: I�m wasted on cross country. We Dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous at a short distance!
Stevie: (laughs) You are an amazing person Gimli. Let�s go, buddy. The sooner we find our little friends the sooner we can get some food!
(The Uruks stop and throw Merry and Pippin to the ground. Pippin manages to crawl over to Merry while the Uruks begin to light a fire. Suddenly, there is this creaking sound.)
Pippin: What was that?
Merry: It�s the trees.
Pippin: What?
Merry: Do you remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall�..and come alive.
Pippin: Come alive? Hmm�..
Merry: Trees that could whisper. Talk to each other. Even move!
(Meanwhile the orcs and Uruks are arguing over whether or not to eat the Hobbits, or their legs. One of the orcs who was going to eat them got his head hacked off and the other orcs decided to eat what was left of him. This left a perfect opportunity for our two pint-sized hobbits to get away.)
Merry: (crawling) Pippin! Come on!
Pippin: I�m hurrying.
(Just then the other orc that had suggested eating them steps on Merry�s back, forcing him and Pippin to turn over.)
Orc: Go on! Call for help. Squeal! No one is going to save you now!
(Suddenly the orc screeches and the next thing our two hobbity dudes know the orc has fallen over and he has a spear in his back. Then all these men on horses come riding over, cutting the Uruks down right where they stand. Our two little friends start to crawl away, and find an axe that they can use to cut their bindings. Somehow in the middle of it all, they manage to slip into the forest, with that orc on their tail.)
Pippin: (plopping on the ground) Did we lose him? I think we lost him.
(No sooner had Merry plopped right along side Pippin than that stupid orc comes running through a bunch of branches and stuff.)
Orc: I�m gonna cut out your filthy innards!
Pippin: I hate orcs.
Merry: You�re not the only one! Hurry into that tree!
(And so our little friends run up into a tree, hoping to escape the danger that follows them.)
(Meanwhile, back at the Anduin River, Harper is pushing that boat. Aside from the sloshing of her boots in the water, and the occasional thud from the boat, all is quiet.)
Harper: So close, yet so very very far! I am so glad I looked at those cool maps in the back of my copy of Lord of the Rings. Not like I really have any idea if this is going to work or if I can even get to the Gladden River in one piece�..
(She stops her pushing for a moment and wipes the back of her hand across her forehead. With a sigh and a grunt, she begins to push the boat again.)
Harper: So far so good! My dearest Boromir is still unconscious�..well, good for me, not so very good for him. Well, the longer he�s out the better off I am. I imagine I haven�t got too much farther to go. I�ve already passed the Limlight�..the Nimrodel should be soon ahead! I remember this place from the trip down to Amon Hen. We�re close. I just hope the residents of Lothlorien leave me the hell alone. They�re all creepy. It�s not like I�m going into their precious forest!
(She continues pushing the boat, muttering something about how the entire race of the Elves consists of a bunch of loony arseholes. Sometimes it�s just better if we don�t ask. And so our heroine pushes onward, in hopes of saving a certain future Steward of Gondor from outside dangers, and even himself.)
(Meanwhile, back on the plains of Rohan, our four friends have run into a certain group of Riders. These would be the Riders of the Rohirrim. The Riders don�t seem to be friendly, that assumption made on the fact that the whole company of them has encircled our friends and every spear they have is pointed at them. The head of the Riders gets down from his horse. We all notice this to be Eomer.)
Eomer: What business do a young lady, man, an Elf, and Dwarf have in the Riddermark?
Stevie: We come in search of two of our friends. They were carried off by the Uruk Hai that we now chase across these plains.
(Eomer takes his helmet off and all the Riders pull their spears back. I suppose you only do that if you are all cool with the homies you are talking to.)
Eomer: We have destroyed all that was left of those Uruks. We left none alive.
Gimli: Did you see any hobbits?
Aragorn: They would be small, only children to your eyes.
Eomer: We saw no one. We piled the carcasses and burnt them. (points to the rising smoke) I am sorry.
(Our friends look down. Aragorn rubs a hand across Stevie�s back, and Legolas pats Gimli on the shoulder. After giving himself a moment to compose himself, Aragorn speaks again.)
Aragorn: What news from the Mark?
Eomer: This land is now being run by Saruman. He has poisoned the mind of the King. He no longer recognizes friend from foe.
Legolas: We remain friends of you, and your king.
Eomer: It doesn�t matter. Saruman is leading the whole of our lands and our people to destruction. And somehow, no matter how hard we try; spies always seem to slip through our nets.
Stevie: We aren�t spies. If it would make you feel any better, I am Stevie, this is Aragorn son of Arathorn, Gimli son of Gloin, and Legolas of the Woodland Realm. We come only with the intentions of finding our friends. Say, what are you going here, anyway?
Eomer: Myself, and all those who travel with me are those loyal to the Mark. For this we are banished. That is of no matter. Not now. Go and see if you can find your friends, or whatever there is left of them. Here, take these horses. Hasufel and Arod. They will take you wherever you need to go.
Stevie: Thank you, very, very much. Now I don�t have to run any more! Yes! The day is mine, Trebek!
