Chapter Twenty Two: Seeking Refuge and Giant Mutant Puppies
(We see a long line of people. These people would be the residents of Edoras, on their way to Helms Deep. In this line we see our heroes on horses and stuff. Aragorn is chatting with Legolas and Eowyn seems to be pouting due to a lack of attention. Now we see Stevie ride up to them on her horse, which the stable guys at Edoras were more than glad to lone her.)
Aragorn: (turns to her) Where have you been?
Stevie: Somewhere.
Aragorn: I know this. Where were you?
Stevie: I was back (points behind them) there. Duh.
Aragorn: Well what were you doing?
Stevie: (sighs) I was checking on Eothain and Freda.
Aragorn: Again? This is the third time.
Stevie: (quirks and eyebrow at him) So? What is this, twenty questions? Man, you are so jealous.
Aragorn: (eyes widen) Me? Jealous? Over what?
Stevie: The fact that I�ve been spending more time around those two than I have you.
Aragorn: I am not jealous.
Stevie: Whatever. I�m going to go hand out over there because you guys are annoying.
(Stevie rides off towards the back of the column of people and Aragorn and Legolas sit in silence for a few seconds. Then Legolas smirks.)
Legolas: You are jealous.
Aragorn: (starts turning red) Be quiet.
Legolas: Jealous.
Aragorn: (looks angry) Shut up.
Legolas: (laughs) I never thought you�d be jealous of small children, Aragorn.
(Meanwhile, our dear friends Merry and Pippin are still sitting around waiting for the Ents to do something. Though, it seems as if this could all have been planned, for no sooner do we see them again than Merry stands up and looks like he�s going to tell it like it is. Gee, wonder how we managed that.)
Merry: You can�t just sit around and do nothing!
Treebeard: We are not doing nothing. We are talking.
Merry: Yes, talking! Talking about nothing! Nothing at all! Saruman is wreaking havoc upon this entire world and you are talking about nothing! Are you going to continue to stand around and do nothing?
Treebeard: Now, young Master Meriadoc, we have decided something! Our talking has not been in vain. We have decided not to partake in this war.
Merry: Well, I thought that was fairly obvious.
Treebeard: Perhaps it is time that you and young Master Peregrin figured out what role you play in all of this?
Pippin: (stands up and walks over) You know, maybe Treebeard�s right, Merry. Maybe there isn�t anything that can be done. Not by the Ents, not by us. After all, we�re just two Hobbits. Maybe we should just go. Go home.
Merry: Not you too, Pip! We can�t go back to the Shire. Eventually there won�t be a Shire left! Then what will we do? Maybe, just maybe, if we stay and fight�..we can stop that!
Treebeard: I do not know what you two should do. I will take you to the western border of the forest. From there you may return to your home if you wish it.
(The two Hobbits hesitate slightly, and then we see them jump up on Treebeard and start off through the forest.)
(We once again find ourselves in the creepiness that is Isengard. Actually, we are in Kit and Van�s room. The two are looking out the window.)
Van: That is really, really, really bad.
Kit: Somehow I think that is an understatement.
Van: There�s got to be at least ten thousand of them.
Kit: I am going to harass Saruman now. He�s overdone it a little.
(Kit storms out of the room and runs down the ridiculously large amount of steps with Van at her heels. They run into Saruman�s study where he is pacing back and forth with a creepy grin on his face.)
Van: What was up with the immensely huge army thing?
Saruman: (stops pacing) What about it?
Kit: It�s all like�..huge!
Saruman: That is the point. I am sending them to Helm�s Deep.
Van: We know. It�s just that it�s all immensely huge and whatever. I mean, dude, you only need to kill a bunch of old people and some kids.
Saruman: The people of Rohan are strong and determined. Even in such a state as they are now I will take to chances. I want them wiped out entirely. Soon the world of men will fall.
Kit: If you say so, Grandpa.
Saruman: (frowns) Stop calling me that.
Van: Grandpa.
Kit: Gramps.
Saruman: Stop it.
Van: The Grampster.
Kit: The Grampmeister.
Saruman: Silence!
Kit: Grand-daddio.
Saruman: (yelling) Out with you! Wormtongue! Get them back to their room.
(Wormtongue slinks into the room and manages to force the girls up the stairs.)
(While the rest of the world is stuck in the chaos of developing war, things are going nice and slow with our buddies over by the Gladden River. Well, sort of. For the first time, we find ourselves inside the small house. Boromir is visibly asleep on the makeshift bed, visible from the other room. Upon entering that room, we see Harper crouched down on the floor in front of his face. She is staring at him.)
Harper: Lazy bum. I�m sleeping and he rolls over and shoves me off. I mean, come on. Cuddle time is great and everything and we only have enough stuff to share the �bed�, but when you go and shove me off, we have a problem. I am *so* sleeping on the floor tonight.
(She sighs and starts waving her hand in front of his face. He�s asleep, so this obviously doesn�t faze him.)
Harper: Hmm, I wonder.
(She walks around to the end of the �bed� and carefully crawls up behind him. She settles herself behind him and starts poking him at the base of his skull.)
Harper: Meep. (pokes) Meep. (pokes) Meep. (pokes)
(She keeps poking him and eventually we hear a groan and one of his hands come sup to clumsily try to bat her hand away. She persists at poking him and in time he rolls over and grabs her wrist.)
Boromir: (sounding very not awake) You are such a pest. What do you want?
Harper: To bother you, in case you hadn�t figured that out.
Boromir: Ugh. It�s too early. Go back to sleep.
Harper: (rolls her eyes) I would still be asleep if you hadn�t shoved me off the bed.
Boromir: Shoved you off the bed? Well, that was not very nice of me.
Harper: You�ve got that right.
Boromir: I�m sorry, love. I�m going back to sleep now.
Harper: You lazy bum.
Boromir: You can be a lazy bum too. Go back to sleep.
(He rolls back over to sleep and Harper goes to Meep him again. He rolls back over and grabs her finger.)
(Back on the plains of Rohan, Stevie and Eowyn are actually having a conversation. It�s amazing. It�s different. I bet you twenty bucks that Theoden begged Stevie to do it.)
Stevie: So you mean to tell me that you want to go out and get yourself killed for honor of some sort?
Eowyn: There is great honor in dying in battle.
Stevie: (laughs) That is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. There is no honor in death. There�s only�..deadness�..in death.
Eowyn: So you do not believe in dying for one�s people? Sacrificing yourself for another or for a greater cause?
Stevie: (raises an eyebrow) That�s not a matter of belief. If I found myself in a position where I knew my death would save another, then I would risk my life. That�s entirely different than what you are saying.
Eowyn: How so?
Stevie: It�s different because you are ready to go out there and get yourself decapitated and then go and say �ooh I�m a rotting carcass. I have honor now. Whoopdy dee for me.� That�s freaking stupid.
Eowyn: (stares at her) I do not understand you at all. You are quite the strange one.
Stevie: It�s a gift. Hey, what�s going on up there?
(We see up ahead a bunch of wargs with orc riders racing down some hills.)
Stevie: Oh frick. (looks at Eowyn) Come on. We�ve got to lead everyone on.
Eowyn: (looks shocked) What about those wargs? We need to stay and help!
Stevie: No, we need to get these people to safety.
(Eowyn starts to turn her horse back as though to go and try to help the fight, but Stevie moves her horse in front of hers.)
Stevie: You�re so wrapped up in this damned honor that you�re forgetting what you�re here for. You have a responsibility to these people. Getting yourself killed isn�t a part of it. Go.
Eowyn: (looks at her for a moment and then nods) Will you be staying then?
Stevie: Hell no. Giant mutant puppies aren�t my specialty. Just give me a second. I�ll be right there, promise.
(Eowyn rides off, urging the people along and away from danger. Stevie rides over and sees Aragorn, who is not currently maiming a minion of evil.)
Aragorn: Stevie! Go to Helm�s Deep!
Stevie: (rolls her eyes) I�m going. Just do me a favor?
Aragorn: What?
Stevie: Stay away from any tall cliffs?
Aragorn: (looks confused) I shall try. Go on.
(Stevie rides off and disappears over a hill with the end of the column of people. Aragorn goes back to smiting the minions of evil.)
(Back at Fangorn, our pals Merry and Pippin are sill being carried around by Treebeard. The two hobbity-dudes still look really down in the dumps. It is silent, save for the loud noise made by every one of Treebeard�s steps. After a few moments, Pippin gets this look on his face.)
Pippin: Treebeard, stop. Stop!
Treebeard: (stops) Hmm?
Pippin: Turn around!
Merry: What? Pippin, what are you doing?
Pippin: Turn around! Take us south.
Treebeard: South? I don�t know why you would ever want to go south. I don�t understand you small creatures. I shall do as you wish.
(Treebeard turns south and starts walking. Pippin has this look on his face and Merry is looking slightly curious.)
Merry: South? But that would take us to�
Pippin: To Isengard, Merry!
Merry: Pippin, you are a genius!
Pippin: I thought about what you said, Merry. I have an idea.
(Treebeard is walking when he suddenly comes to the end of the forest. Well, it isn�t really the end of the forest. All the trees there have been cut down. Treebeard lets out this sound of inner anguish at the sight, and there in the background is Isengard, rising smoke and all.)
Treebeard: What has happened? All of this�.. Many of these trees were my friends!
(He lets out this�..growl�..if you can almost call it that. I don�t really think that trees can growl. Then again, I didn�t think they could walk or talk either. Anyway, all these Ents, same ones we saw at the Entmoot, start coming out of the forest.)
Treebeard: (starts walking toward Isengard) Come my friends, to Isengard we go. To war. The Last March of the Ents!
