Chapter Twenty Three: Fighting, Cliffs, and More Meepage
(We return to the scene of our heroes and the brave warriors of Rohan opening up a can of whooparse on those stupid orcs and their giant mutant puppies. In one spot we see Legolas doing his thing with his arrows and whatever, while Gimli is currently being pulled out from underneath a bunch of wargs and whatnot. While everyone else is preoccupied, Aragorn is doing his thing fighting an orc, but no one seems to notice when he is dragged over the side of a cliff with the warg. That could be bad. Should�ve paid better attention to Stevie�s advice.)
Legolas: (looking for anymore enemies) I do believe that is the last of them.
Theoden: Do you suppose that they were scouts of some sort for Saruman?
Legolas: I would bet on it. He probably knows we are going to Helm�s Deep. Are you still so certain of your course of action that you will not reconsider?
Theoden: I will not. I know what I am doing.
Legolas: (shakes his head) I will go find Aragorn then, so we might be on our way.
(Legolas goes off in search of him. After finding no trace of him, Gimli and Theoden start looking themselves. It is then that they pass by a cackling orc.)
Gimli: What are you laughing at, orc?
Orc: You won�t find your friend.
Legolas: (glares at him and holds his dagger up to his throat) Tell me where he is and I might ease your pain.
Orc: Where do you think he is? Fell right off the cliff there, he did. (makes a weird coughing noise) Don�t think you�ll be seeing him again)
Legolas: You lie!
(The orc just laughs at him and then sort of dies. Legolas walks over and stares over the edge of the cliff. Theoden and Gimli step up behind him.)
Theoden: There is nothing we can do now. Come. We must go.
(Legolas looks over the cliff one last time. He sighs and walks away with the others.)
(Meanwhile, back at the Gladden River, our pals Harper and Boromir are apparently having a �Meep Fest�. Actually, Harper is having a meep fest and Boromir is being subjected to it all.)
Harper: (poking him) Meep.
Boromir: (groans) Will you never stop?
Harper: Eventually. What? Aren�t you having fun?
Boromir: No, I�m not, actually.
Harper: Fine.
(Harper stops poking him and just sits there for a few minutes. Neither of them really do anything. After several moments of silence, Boromir gets up and goes inside the house, and returns with something in his hand.)
Boromir: I meant to ask you about this.
Harper: About what?
(Boromir holds up something shiny that we recognize to be the pendant Galadriel gave to Harper upon their departure from the Wood of Ridiculously Shiny Things and Creepy Really Old Elvish Homies.)
Boromir: What�s this?
Harper: Oh, that thingy. The Shiny Lady gave me that before we left. Where�d you find it?
Boromir: In your bag. I was straightening up this morning and it fell out.
Harper: I guess. I completely forgot about it.
Boromir: Well, a gift from the Lady should be treated well. Put it on.
Harper: (rolls her eyes) I hate jewelry. It�s all pretty and whatever. Very girlish, you know.
Boromir: (chuckles) Put it on already. It probably serves some purpose or another. Every gift does.
Harper: What? Like yours?
Boromir: Well, I guess.
Harper: She gave you a belt. Other than holding up your pants, I can�t think of any other purpose for it.
Boromir: You are incorrigible. Just put on the pendant.
(Harper puts it on and shrugs. One of those weird things, brought to you by the Lady of the Wood Ridiculously Shiny Things and Creepy Really Old Elvish Homies. Then there is always the small little thing about it starting to glow this strange reddish color.)
Harper: Man, it�s all funky.
Boromir: That can�t be good.
Harper: Note to self: groovalistic things are creepy. I wonder if Stevie�s ever did this. Damned elf hippies and their randomly glowing objects.
(Back at Isengard, the Ents are having a ball destroying things. They are running around throwing rock and stone at orcs and whatnot, while others have just broken the dam, flooding the whole place with water.)
Pippin: That was really cool.
Merry: Yep. Oh, hey, Treebeard, look! It�s Saruman looking out his window!
Treebeard: Harooom! Is it now? Perhaps I ought to go and have a wee little talk with the white wizard.
(Treebeard starts walking over to the tower with Merry and Pippin still up on his shoulders. We can see that as the closer he gets, the larger Saruman�s eyes appear to get. Soon enough Saruman just runs away from the window, screaming like a little girl.)
Treebeard: Oh, come now, Saruman. I wish to talk to you. I know you�re in there.
Pippin: Maybe he�s afraid that you�ll hurt him.
Treebeard: Ho ho. I would never�..hurt him. I would punish him accordingly.
Merry: He deserves it! That no good�(gapes at the window) Van?
(Merry and Pippin are both staring at the window with open mouths now. They had never even expected to see Van or Kit, who had just appeared by her side, again. Yet, through all the chaos, there they were.)
Van: (waving) Hey, Merry. How�s it hanging, Pip?
Pippin: You�re all right!
Kit: Of course we are. Do you think you could have your buddy get us down from here?
Treebeard: Are these two friends of yours?
Merry: Yes, they are! Treebeard, can you get them down?
Treebeard: Of course I can! Harooommm!
Van: Oh! We have another buddy we�re bringing with us. He�s an Uruk, but he�s a good guy. He�s been taking care of us, so, um, Treebeard, don�t squish him!
(The two girls, accompanied by Shplurgsie, climb onto Treebeard, who sets them down on the ground with Merry and Pippin. Naturally, seeing as this is a reunion between perky teenage girls and ridiculously cute hobbty-dudes, there is a lot of hugging involved. After that�s all done, Pippin stares at Shplurgsie with suspicion.)
Pippin: This thing took care of you?
Kit: Yeah. He�s cool, you guys. This is Shplurgsie. Shplurgsie, this is Merry and Pippin.
Shplurgsie: (waves) Hello.
Merry: You befriended an Uruk?
Van: Yep. Saruman and Wormtongue are all creepy and whatever. Shplurgsie is the only dude in that whole place who even seems to have a sliver of sanity. And you guys thought that Kit and I were weird. Try spending time in that place.
Shplurgsie: I feel so loved.
Pippin: This is beginning to get weird.
Kit: Oh, just wait until you hear everything else we�ve been up to. It gets weirder.
Merry: This should be fun. And the fellowship thought that they couldn�t leave you and I alone because we�d get into too much trouble.
(Now, over with the peasants and other people at Helm�s Deep, Stevie is obviously having a fit. I wonder what that could be over.)
Stevie: I did not break my promise!
Eowyn: Yes you did! You promised you weren�t going to stay and fight. Then what did you do? You killed that orc!
Stevie: It was in my way! Besides, it was chasing after that little boy who was looking for his mother.
Eowyn: But you fought!
Stevie: (groans) Ugh. I rode by and lopped its head off. That doesn�t really count as fighting. I could have always let it eat that little kid alive. Would you have liked that?
Eowyn: (looks at her feet) No, I guess not.
Stevie: You need to like�..organize your emotions. This is really starting to peeve me off. You aren�t emotionally stable.
Eowyn: (glares) What are you talking about?
Stevie: You know what I�m talking about.
(Eowyn makes this weird yelling noise and then proceeds in throwing Stevie�s bag at her. Stevie catches it. She looks at it for a moment and then notices that there is something falling out of it. She grabs it before it falls to the ground. Behold! for it is coincidentally the pendant that Galadriel gave her, along with Kit and Van�s, which she had agreed to hold for safekeeping until she could give them to them.)
Stevie: Yo, I forgot about these. Hmm. I guess I could put mine on.
(She puts hers on and carefully tucks the other two into her bag. No sooner had she done that than the pendant starts glowing red.)
Stevie: Aw man, creepy. That�s what I get for wearing a gift from the Lady of the Wood Ridiculously Shiny Things and Creepy Really Old Elvish Homies. Weird.
Voice: What the freak?
Stevie: (jumps) What the heck?
Voice: Woah. There�s a voice in my head.
Stevie: Voice in your head? You�re the voice in my head.
Voice: Stevie, is that you?
Stevie: Harper? Dude!
Harper�s Voice: This is cool. I guess gifts from the Lady of the Wood Ridiculously Shiny Things and Creepy Really Old Elvish Homies aren�t that bad.
Stevie: I guess not. Creepy. Is Boromir around?
Harper�s Voice: No, I managed to convince him that weird glowage is okay. He went off to get some firewood.
Stevie: So I guess you got to the Gladden River okay?
Harper�s Voice: Sure did.
Eowyn: Who are you talking to?
Stevie: Myself. Go away.
(Eowyn storms off somewhere leaving Stevie to her conversation with Harper in her head. Stevie then realizes that Harper can hear her without her speaking out loud. It was sort of like having a mental conversation with Galadriel. Cool long-distance mental conversation with your best buddy.)
Harper: Eowyn, eh? You at Helm�s Deep yet?
Stevie: Just got here a little while ago.
Harper: Fun. Don�t get yourself killed.
Stevie: Thanks.
Harper: Aragorn fall of a cliff?
Stevie: I warned him to stay away from them, but then I left. No one is back yet. He never listens to be, so I am going to assume yes.
Harper: Men. They never listen.
Stevie: Boromir being a pain?
Harper: Not really. When he is I always use the advantage of Meepage.
Stevie: Oh. Someone�s sadistic. Poor Boromir. You aren�t going to tell him about this, are you?
Harper: No way. I had a hard enough time convincing him to stay in the first place. He�ll try something.
Stevie: Is there a way to turn these stupid things off?
Harper: Yeah, I figured it out. All you have to do tell it to go to sleep. It�s stupid, but it works and it makes it stop glowing. It must be a weird Elf thingy.
Stevie: I guess so.
Harper: Boromir�s coming back, so I�m going to put this stupid thing �to sleep�. We can�t use it again, though.
Stevie: Yes, it�s too dangerous. It Sauron finds out about these, and he probably knows, he�ll know we have a way to contact each other. Don�t use it again.
Harper: Yeah. Last thing I need is for him to send some goons up here to come and bother Mr. Man of Gondor and myself. I don�t feel like being dead right now.
Stevie: Yeah. Well, I am going to try and not get myself killed.
Harper: Oh, yeah. If Haldir shows up down there, don�t let him die. I know he�s a bum, but he�s not supposed to die.
Stevie: Will do. Take care of yourself.
Harper: You too. Harper out.
(The voice in her head dies away and by simply asking the stupid glowy thing to go to sleep in her head, the glow goes away and it looks virtually normal. Just in time, too. Here comes Legolas and Gimli back from their little adventure.)
Stevie: Guess Aragorn really didn�t follow my advice. Oh well. I can bother him about it later.
