And welcome to MSTing #4 from me. I have no clue how I found the Voyager Lemon here, but I do know it's a BAAAAAAAD one! And written by a woman, no less. It originally had four parts, but part 1 was nearly as long as the other three put together. So parts 2-4 will have to wait till later. (Awww...) I actually took the time to proofread this time, so things may be a bit more consistent. As always, C&C, suggestions, targets, flames, etc. are welcome. Contact me at freezer88@hotmail.
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Voyager and all related characters are the property of Paramount. The story itself is the sole property of Pussy Willow, and she is welcome to it! The opening rant is the property of "Rudy Ciello"...if that's his real name.
<Season 3 theme song. Sing along! You know the words!>
[We open with a shot of Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo just standing around.]
All:...
[Awkward pause]
Joel: Oh, uh...Hi, everybody and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson - Just your average janitorial type. Ticked off my bosses, got shot into space, forced to read crappy web postings. These are my little robot buddies: Tom Servo...
Tom: Yello!
Joel: And Crow.
Crow: [Happily] Bite me!
Joel: And over there is Gypsy.
Gypsy: [Popping into view] Hi. [Leaves]
Joel: And the guys you can't see are Magic Voice...
Magic Voice: Salutations!
Joel: And Cambot
[Scene goes up and down as Cambot nods in acknowledgement]
Joel: And that's about it really.
[Pause]
Tom: Yep. All there is really.
[ANOTHER pause]
Crow: OH WHO ARE WE KIDDING?!? Folks, the reason that we're not doing the crazy, kooky little skits that you're used to seeing us do to open the show is...We couldn't think of one.
Joel: It's true.
Tom: Yep! We're tapped!
Crow: We got NOTHING! We were kinda hoping inspiration would strike, but nothing doing.
Joel: The wacky meter is on zero.
Tom: So if you guys are willing were just gonna go to commercial sign, come back and pretend this crap never happened. Okay!
All [Except Cambot, who nods] OKAY! [Joel hits commercial sign]
<<The T.R.U.T.H (.com)? Your commercials make me WANT to smoke!>>
[Back from commercials, Joel and the bots seem to be engaged in idle chitchat]
Tom: Look guys; all I'm saying is that Bizarro and Sinestro were as - if not more - powerful than the most powerful Superfriends, and yet Lex Luthor never included them in any of his plans!
Crow: But Tommy, they're The Superfriends! What difference would two extra guys make.
Joel: Crow, I have to agree with Tom here. I mean with all the trouble clowns like Black Manta and The Riddler caused them, what kind of mayhem could they cause with some with actual superpowers on their side?
Crow: I still say it makes no difference! The Justice League beat them in the comics, they could still beat 'em on TV.
Joel: But in the comics, The Justice League never had Wendy, Marvin, or the Wonder Twins.
Crow: Touché!
Joel: This debate may have to wait till later guys, Braniac and Toyman are calling! [Hits Mads Light]
[Deep 13: Just a close-up of Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank through a Fish-Eye lens.]
Dr.F: Greetings, my little boy toys! Pardon the peculiar angle, but Frank and I were practicing for the Mad Scientists Rap Video contest.
Frank: First prize is a 2001 Luxury Agonizer!
Dr.F: Right! So Frank and I have been taking test shots in our costumes...
[Pan back to reveal Frank and Dr.F in those plastic suit things from Missy Elliot's "The Rain"]
Dr.F: But that hasn't stopped us from doing our evil duty towards you and the bots, so towards that end we'll kick off today's invention exchange. Frank?
[Frank is standing next to what looks like an ordinary TV with a satellite antenna. There appears to be jumper cables attached to the antennae. The jumper cable are attached to what looks like an iMac.]
Frank: Thanks, Steve! We were all surprised when Dennis Miller was picked to be the third member of the Monday Night Football broadcast crew. His pedantic rants and obscure pop references don't seem to fit in to any sort of sporting broadcast. In fact, quite a few people find the man quite annoying.
Dr.F: So it got us to thinking: How can we take this minor annoyance and make it downright evil? And we came up with this Dennis Miller Closed Caption broadcaster.
Frank: It works like this: We take the closed captioning signal from a given show - say...Days of Our Lives - and while John and Marlena are lamenting Stefano's latest scheme...
Dr.F: The DMCCB will scroll something like this...
[Turns on TV to said show.]
CC Print: This is dragging on Like Le Miserables in real time! And don't even get me started on the far fetchedness of the whole thing! Stefano's been dead more time than John Travolta's movie career...
Dr. F: And it goes on like that! And you can't turn it off!
Frank: We're currently working on a version that does the same to the SAP signal.
Dr. F: Imagine! Dennis Miller - In Spanish!
Frank: Beat that, punks!
[SOL]
Crow: Now that's just disturbing!
Tom: Gotta admit. That's evil.
[D13]
Mads: Thanks!
[SOL]
Joel: Well, sirs; Our invention - while not as inherently wrong as yours - does serve to handle an age-old problem: finding the right radio station during a long car trip.
Tom: We know there are car stereos out there set to look up a certain format like classic rock, talk radio, or R&B. But what if you're looking for a certain type on talk or a certain song?
Crow: That's why we came up with The Subject Scanner! [scan over to an ordinary looking factory model car stereo, with a small keyboard attached]
Joel: Right. Just type in the parameters you want - for instance, you want nothing but political rantings...just type in "Politics" plus "ranting"
Tom: And you can specify anti-liberal or anti-conservative.
Joel: Right! Plug those parameters in, hit search and voila! You've got hours and hours complaining about the government.
Crow: If you're into that sort of thing.
Joel: Right! Pretty cool huh?
[D-13]
Dr.F: Not bad, Booby! With a little tweaking, I could adapt that to be truly evil! But that's for another time. As for now, you've got a date with the crew of the starship Voyager. It's a horribly Out Of Character sour lemon type fic called "S-Space".
Frank: Served up with a side of "I Hate Anime" rant. Eat up!
Dr.F: And choke on it! Send 'em the fic, Frank!
[SOL]
All: WE'VE GOT RANT SIGN!! [Much scampering]
[1]...[2]...[3]...[4]...[5]...[6]...[*]
[Crow walks in and takes his seat, followed by Joel, carrying Tom Servo.]
Crow:
A Voyager Lemon? This could be fun!
Tom:
Don't get your hopes up!
From: Rudy Ciello
Crow: Curmudgeon at large
Subject: A secular condemnation of anime
Tom: And this means...?
Date: 24 Jun 2000 00:00:00
GMT Message-ID: <0f679cb4.4284fccb@usw-ex0104-
032.remarq.com
Bytes: 3170
X-Originating-Host: 24.4.252.96
X-Complaints-To: >[email protected]
Joel:
X-Men: The blockbuster hit of the summer!
Crow:
Subject: You bunch of wieners...
X-Trace: WReNphoon3 961867885 10.0.2.32 (Sat, 24 Jun 2000 10:31:25 PDT)
Organization: http://www.remarq.com: The World's Usenet/Discussions Start Here
Tom: The arguments and fist fights start elsewhere.
NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 10:31:25
PDT Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc
X-Wren-Trace: Nbz29rDhM6Fl9bW1p/Ey9DK0tLf3o/g29XN2N7Lw9ja35uXisKNjJSFh4GWz5M=
Many of you were distraught with the Christian animosity to anime;
Joel: As opposed to Christian animosity to nearly everything else?
indeed many of you seem to think Christians are your worst enemies.
Tom: And I suppose you're going to tell how wrong and stupid we are.
Well, you're wrong.
Crow:
Nice call, Tommy!
Tom:
Ah, that was a softball!
Because I'm an secular atheist and president of the Anti-superstition society.
Tom:
"AN" secular atheist?
Joel:
The Grammar Gods do not approve!
Crow:
And it's not just any Anti-Superstition society, but *THE*
Anti-superstition society
Tom:
[Writer] And we are not just me and my cousin Timmy and some Goth kid
from down the block! And we do not meet in our parent's basement!
And we hate anime.
Joel:
So then the point of this rant is "Hey anime fans; the
Christians aren't out to get you! We are!"
Tom:
I don't think coherence is what this guy was going for.
Why? For one, it is a religion.
Joel:
Nah! That's just the Moonies!
Crow:
WE ARE NOT!!! I... mean... THEY are not!
Tom:
Sure! Oh, by the way, have you updated your Sailor Mars Shrine
lately.
Crow:
Oh, yeah! I scanned some cool pics from... SHUT UP!
Whether Judeo-Christian or pagan, which anime is,
Joel:
Judeo-Christian or pagan?
Crow:
[Stoner voice] It's all the same, man! It's all a plot by them!
Tom:
And "them" would be?
Crow:
[Stoner voice] You...You know! *Them!*
all religions are bad.
Tom: [Monster voice] RELIGION BAD! GNARR!!!
It promotes blindness, empty passions, intolerance, compulsive and obsessive behavior, and groupthink.
Joel: You just described the Internet.
And this is what we find in this ng.
Crow: I'll take "Groundless, Blanket Generalizations" for $1000, Alex!
The constant religious wars between Sailor Moon worshippers and Dragonball Zzzz worshippers.
Crow:
Oh, yeah! I'll never forget those bloody "Kamehameha or "Silver
Crystal" flame wars!
Joel:
[ala Mel Gibson in Bravehart] Stand with me, My Moonies! And we shall
drive the Godless Dragonballers from our net! They may take away our
lives, but they'll never take away...OUR AMI!!!
Tom:
[Stereotypical Southern Preacher] And we shall smite the heathen
Moonies through the power of our Saiyan Lords! Kama-hame-ha! And
Amen!
The endless collecting of anime products deemed by fans as sacred objects. This is clearly a form of idolatry
Tom: I don't doubt that there are people like that around. But I'm pretty sure they're all too busy in chat rooms with the other pasty skinned freaks to bother the normal people.
and all gods are false, my friends.
Crow:
Both of you.
Joel:
Bow before my superior Atheist intellect, peons!
I've been to several conventions
Tom: Translation: two.
and witnessed braindead kids dole out hundreds of dollars to buy worthless cels which are valued like religions icons.
Joel: Wasn't that a Simpsons episode?
Cds often go for 200 dollars.
Tom: Canadian, I hope!
Worse is the violence and hatred which is so much a part of culture of otakudom.
Crow:
What? Does he think we run around in feudal armor, lopping people's
heads off because they hink Robotech sucks?
Tom:
"We?"
Crow:
Shut Up!!!
I've attended several conventions where I gave anti-anime speeches and halfway thru the lecture many vile and lowdown infantile kids started screaming and tossing objects my way.
Joel: I'm sure that the fact that I kept calling them idiots had nothing to do with it!
In every case, I had to be escorted out by hotel security.
Tom: And we don't see a pattern here?
In the worst incident, three guards were wounded, I suffered a broken jaw, and 50 otakus had to be arrested.
Crow: And this had nothing to do with the fact that they were all trying to kill me!
Go to any anime website and it's called a worship center. A church. A temple.
Crow:
Any website?
Joel:
Well, let's see...[Pulls out a laptop] Hmm...Anipike...No mentions of
temples, shrines or churches. Anime Craze? Bigfire? Umm...whoa!
Crow:
Yeah, it's one of my favorites, too!
Now, how can any sane person worship some silly anime character with oversized eyes?
Crow: Simple, the sane ones don't!
The values that we need in order prosper as a democracy are freedom, individuality, equality between the sexes, and healthy respect for higher culture.
Tom: Now do what I tell you to!
But anime is antifreedom.
Crow:
Ohh...Kay...
Joel:
This I gotta hear!
It's often authoritarian and about aggression and domination--too often sexually.
Crow:
And what's wrong with that?
Tom:
Easy, Crow!
It is not about individuality but about worshipping those in power whether thru firepower or muscle power.
Joel: "Firepower or Muscle Power", hmm? I guess that explains all those Madoka and Kyoko shrines.
It mocks women as nothing but a pretty face and nice body. And it goes for the lowest common denomiator.
Crow: You just described every Farelly Brothers movie.
It is for the unwashed masses. I ask all of you to join us in our fight against christian, jewish, islamic, and new age intolerance.
Tom: [Author] Join us in our all-encompassing Godless intolerance! What are you waiting for you brainwashed idiots! Can't you see I'm right?
But in order to do so, you must reject the god of anime.
Joel:
Tezuka?
Tom:
Takahashi?
Crow:
Shirow?
Joel:
Chief?
Crow:
McCloud!
People don't watch anime, they invest their whole lives and energies into it.
Joel:
Yeah, I've seen pictures of Gundam addicts on TV. Sad really.
Crow:
The real shame is those poor babies addicted to Evangelion!
Tom: Real shame!
People don't consume anime,
Tom: They prefer to mainline it!
anime consumes people. Just look at the Pokemon craze.
Tom:
Which differs how from the Ninja Turtle or Power Ranger craze?
Crow:
Weren't you paying attention? Anime = Satan spawn.
Joel:
Or in this guys case, Anime = flamebait rant.
Young children worshipping a rabbit named chickapoo
Crow:
Ok: Lame attempt at a joke or he really doesn't know!
Tom:
I'd say joke. This guy seems to know just enough about anime to have
a real handle on the stereotypes.
and spending all their dimes and nickels in piggy banks on $5 anime cards. Now, is this just capitalism?
All: Yes?
No, it's the evil of religion.
Joel:
Right. Hide the kids, guys! It's The Cult of Pokemon!
Tom:
[singing] Pie Iesu domine
Joel
and Crow: Dona eis Pikachu
Religion need not be an established religion.
Crow:
Religion need not be a ...wha...
Tom:
I think at this point, he was just punching in whatever was on his
mind.
Rather it is a state of mind.
Joel: My state of mind is that I'm an egotistical, atheist, trolling wanker.
Communism was a religion in practice and in the mindset it instilled amongst the faithful.
Crow: Umm...No it wasn't.
Elvis has become a religions icon.
Joel: Hey! You leave the King out of this!
Beatlemania was fanatical madness.
Tom: Sure. If you were fifteen, female, and lived in the 60s.
We must fight against this mindset that promotes extremes of emotion, of devotion, of blindness and hate.
Joel:
You think this would a good spot to bring up the old "Atheism IS
a religion" argument.
Tom:
What? And get him talking again?
Thank for reading my post and I hope you join our society.
Crow: Not even if you sent a space shuttle to pick me up
In order to become a member, please email me.
Joel:
Please? I promise not to call you an idiot too many times?
Tom:
Let's roll fellas!
[All Leave]
[6]...[5]...[4]...[3]...[2]...[1]...[ * ]
Crow: Joel?
Joel: Yes Crow?
Crow: Why does it seem like anytime an atheist posts anything on a newsgroup it's either a blatant troll attempt or pathetic "I'm an atheist, therefore better than you" flamebait?
Tom: Yeah, Joel! You have to admit that a lot of those post seem to have this idea that a firm belief that there is no God tends to give these guys some sore of morally superior air.
Joel: You guys! It's not always like that. You're going to find smug little crackpots in every walk of life.
Tom: That's true. It's not like jokers like Rudy Ciello speak for all atheists everywhere.
Joel: Just remember; the Mads hand pick most of the stuff we read , so we're going to get a large dose of the stupids.
Crow: True. But it doesn't make me feel any better.
[D-13]
Dr.F: Nor should it, Beak boy! And speaking of pain, back to the theatre with you! It's time for the main event! And yes, it will make you feel even worse!
Crow: Leave it to Dr. F to pour salt in the wounds!
Tom: It is what he does.
Joel: Never mind all that! WE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!
[1]...[2]...[3]...[4]...[5]...[6]...[*]
From: [email protected] (Pussy Willow) Reply-To: [email protected]
Crow: [Pepe LePew] Ah, mah anon penet fi!
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 09:15:48 UTC
Tom: A day that will live in almanacs!
Subject: REPOST:
Joel: Because not enough people were sickened the first time!
Voyager Story: S-Space Part 1 (mast, F, FF, Fm)
Tom:
"F, FF, Fm?"
Crow:
Fi, FiFo, Fum?
I'm reposting these because the others seemed to vanish without a trace... - Pussy Willow
Crow:
I haven't read this yet, but that sounded like a good plan!
Joel:
C'mon, Crow! Give it a chance!
Tom:
Yeah, I thought you'd be all over a chance to see a slutty Seven of
Nine.
Crow:
Hmm...There is that...
Don't read this if you don't like sex.
Crow: Rats! Still in!
Don't read this if you're under 18.
Joel:
Sit down, guys!
Bots:
[Already getting up] Aw, man!
Don't read this if you don't like something that you think is 'demeaning to women'
Tom: [Author] The women in my story are utter sluts. Deal with it
and don't read this if womem on women disgust you.
Joel:
That depends - What's a "womem"?
Tom:
I don't even want to think about that!
The rest is up to you. I happen to be a woman
Joel:
With a name like "Pussy Willow" , you're either a woman or
as gay as Dick's hatband.
Tom:
I've always wondered about that saying. Who's Dick? And what did this
guys' hatband look like to say that about him.
Crow:
Tommy! It's just a saying!
Joel:
You should really just relax.
and don't think sex is demeaning to us in any way.
Crow:
Translation...
Bots:
LESBIAN!!!
The choice to read is up to you.
Tom: Then I choose not to.
[Bots get up]
Joel:
Guys...
Bots:
Awww...! [Sits back down]
I would appreciate any comments or story ideas for later stories.
Joel: Let us read it first, will you!
Feel free to contact me through the anon service. I would escpecially like to hear what women think of the story and ask their story ideas for further adventures.
Tom: I'm thinking the typical female reaction will be along the lines of "EEEWWW!"
Pussy Willow //////////////////////////////////////
Joel: Why am I suddenly hearing the Benny Hill theme?
Voyager: Mommy?
All:
Uh-oh.
Tom:
Heads up, guys! Incoming wrongness!
Part 1:
Crow: The sequel.
Janeway stared out of the portal in her ready room. Its been weeks since she saw her husband and she missed him.
Crow:
Umm...I'm not the biggest Trekie...
Joel:
"Trekker"
Crow:
..."Trekker" around, but since when is Janeway married?
Tom:
Alternate universe?
She thought of how he used to touch her, how he used to cry out in pain when she sent the whip cracking across his hot little ass.
All:
O_o
Tom:
Whoa! Warp 9 to the Out of Character system!
Crow:
I always suspected she was into the kinky stuff!
She remembered the lines the ropes would make when it intersected with his pale skin.
Joel: So suddenly she's the Captain of the USS Dominatrix?
She raised a hand up to touch a breast through her uniform.
Crow:
She suddenly panicked when she realized that the breast wasn't hers.
Tom:
Got to hand it to Ms. Willow; none of this set up or exposition for
her.
Joel:
Nope! Straight to the OOC sex scenes.
The nipple was already hard and her touch sent shivers through her body.
Joel: And straight into the clichés.
Now all the men she had sex with ran through her mind as she got even more heated up.
Tom:
"All the men?"
Joel:
Guys, I think this is Janeway's alternate universe twin: Horny
Janeway.
The admiral she had sex with for a week to get the captaincy popped into her head
Crow:
Causing her head to explode.
Tom:
I'm going with Joel's "Hornyverse" theory. It's a lot
easier on the brain that way.
as she unbuttoned her uniform and let it fall to the floor. Her breasts jutted proudly forward
Joel: [Janeway's breasts] We're real, and we're fabulous!
and she traced a nipple with her left hand.
Tom: She's going a little far with the tracing! I mean just because she couldn't draw Timmy the Turtle!
She moaned low as the sensations came in through the memories.
All: [singing] Moan low! Sweet OOC!
She sucked on a finger of her right hand, pretending it was a cock
Joel:
Must be some imagination!
Crow:
Or Janeway isn't that choosy!
Tom:
Ouch!
as she pinched the nipple with her left. She moaned more, louder, and arched her back.
Crow:
All that from just fingering her nipples?
Joel:
Lemon cliché #2: All women have incredibly large and/or
sensitive breasts.
She ripped off her bra and the rest of her clothes and left them in a pile on the floor.
Tom:
She did all that and she wasn't even naked yet? How long as she been
without?
Crow:
In times like this, I'm willing to volunteer my service to Janeway!
Joel:
Don't you mean "services"?
[Crow
just looks at Joel]
Joel:
Oh. Right.
She threw everything off her desk as she ripped off her panties.
Joel:
So she got so worked up, she didn't even think of going to her ready
room?
Crow:
I don't know where this Hornyverse is, but I want to go there!
Her nipples cried out for more as she climbed on the desk. Her pussy, which she had been ignoring, teasing herself, became more demanding.
Joel:
It wanted dinner and its litterbox cleaned.
Crow:
Wrong type of cat, Joel.
One hand pinched the nipple as the other made its way slowly down her body to patch of red hair above her lips.
Tom:
She's got a mustache?
Joel:
Wrong lips.
Tom:
Then where...? Oh. *There*!
She raised her legs above the desk and moaned, bringing her knees upright. She gently stroked the outer lips, avoiding her clit.
Crow:
If she's that worked up, why doesn't she just run down to the
holodeck and get some holo-lovin?
Joel:
Because that would be more in character?
Tom:
Because that's not the way they do things in the Hornyverse?
She brought up her neck,
Crow:
She is really going through some contortions here!
Joel:
Those yoga tapes are really paying off!
Tom:
It's the Amazing India Rubber captain!
a look almost of pain on her face,
Crow: [Janeway] ACK! Stupid vertebrate!
and bit her lip, to watch her hand stroking herself,
Tom: This grammar's starting to make me dizzy!
wishing someone could be there to watch her.
Joel: Goodness knows masturbation is so much better with an audience!
The door chimed but she didn't hear it. She moaned louder as she slipped a finger into her wet pussy, pretending it was a dick.
Crow:
Katherine! Sweetheart! Just dial up a Steely Dan on the replicator!
Joel:
Cro... I can't even fault you for that one!
She moaned louder. a quick 'yes' and the door slid open.
Tom:
Umm...wouldn't the computer know the difference "yes - come in" and "yes - coming?"
Joel:
Not in the Hornyverse!
She wasn't even paying attention. Instead, she slipped another finger into her wet pussy and began fucking herself long and deep.
Crow:
With her fingers?
Tom:
She's got man hands!
Each stroke sent a wave of pleasure through her body.
Joel:
[Slavemaster] STROKE!
BOTS:
<GASP!!>
Joel:
[Slavemaster] STROKE!
BOTS:
<GASP!!>
Tuvok stood in the doorway. He watched her with the disinterested curiosity of a vulcan.
Joel:
Shouldn't that be "Vulcan?"
Tom:
[Tuvok] Fascinating. The captain seems to be engaging in an OOC
masturbation scene.
She had a nice body, but it would be four years before the mating ritual was to begin.
Crow:
Then why would he think that?
Joel:
It's the Hornyverse Tuvok: thinks about sex but can take it or leave
it.
He could call upon his powers and arouse himself, but he had pressing, urgent business.
Tom: Like getting through this scene and getting the hell out of this fic.
Janeway's moans were louder now and she jerked her body in rhythm with the three fingers now imbedded deep in her pussy.
Crow: Am I the only one who thinks young Miss Willow is projecting here?
They were loud enough to attract the ears of Paris from the bridge.
Joel: Who, apparently, was the only one on the bridge.
He looked in the room from his seat and got very aroused. From where he sat he could see the captain's wet, wide open pussy exposed for his view.
Crow:
Wait a second! How is he seeing all this with Tuvok standing in the
doorway?
Joel:
Extra wide door?
Tom:
The Hornyverse Tom Paris has X-ray vision?
He watched as three fingers pushed in and out of her cunt. She was dripping down her leg and it pooled a little on the desk near her ass.
Crow:
Umm... That's called "incontinence", Katherine. You may
want to have The Doctor check that out.
Joel
and Tom: Ewww!!!
Tuvok cleared his throat and Janeway snapped her head to him.
Tom:
Her head's a football now?
Crow:
[Sportscaster] Tuvok takes Janeway's head and drops back to pass. He
spots Chakotay running like hell out of the fic. There's pass
and...Picked off by the crappy lemon!
Tom
and Joel: AWWWW!!!!
She looked at him intensely but did not stop fucking herself.
Joel: [Janeway] I'm the captain here, and I'll do what I damn well please!
In fact, she quickened the pace her fingers made in her pussy. She was about to have an orgasm - she was on the edge.
Tom:
[Singing] She's living on the edge
Joel
and Crow: You can't help this crappy leeeeemon!
But she saw Paris watching from the bridge and did not want to cum in front of him. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her have an orgasm.
Crow:
At least not from that far away!
Tom:
Gee Whiz! I've seen porno characters with more self control!
Joel:
You have? When?
Tom:
Well...
She sighed deeply
All: SIGH!!!
and pulled the fingers out of her pussy.
Crow:
[Janeway]<SNIFF, SNIFF!> Oh, MAN!!! Computer: Summer's Eve -
Fish Killer!!!
Joel
and Tom: EEEWWWW!!!
Tom:
That's just sick!!!
Crow:
Yeah. It was the best I could come up with on short notice.
She beat her hand against the desk, but pushed her feet over the side anyway.
Tom:
With the... and tha... Huh?
Joel:
Let's just pretend that last sentence made sense and move on, shall
we?
With a quick motion she was standing on the floor. "Close that door, Tuvok," she snapped and sat in the chair.
[All
make whoopee cushion noises]
Tom:
Oh, that joke never gets old!
"What do you want?"
Crow: [Tuvok] I want you to stop fingering yourself and act like a captain!
Paris looked pissed as the door slid closed, cutting him off from the view.
Crow: [Paris] Ensign? Take the helm! I have to go span...flog...cho...do some officer type stuff.
Janeway's breasts looked even better sitting down.
Tom: Her breasts sat down?
Her nipples were still hard and her pussy still needed some relief.
Crow:
Joel, what's our limit of hygiene product jokes?
Joel:
I'll let you know when you hit it.
"We are passing through a region of space that is giving some strange readings to the computers."
Tom: So? That happens every week.
"That happens every week, Tu'vok. What's new?" Janeway asked.
Tom:
Another softball.
Crow:
Umm...Who's this "Tu'vok" guy? Tuvok's evil twin?
A hand idly touched the nipple of her breast.
Joel: Two words, Janeway: COLD SHOWER!!!
Tu'vok slowly raised an eyebrow as he looked at the breast.
Crow: [Tuvok] Curious. I feel the need to act out cliched Vulcan mannerisms.
"The holo-doctor thinks it may have a strange effect on what he called the ship's 'libido'.
Tom:
The ship has a libido?
Joel:
Why sure! In the Hornyverse, all ships get the urge!
Curious: what does that word mean?"
Tom:
Okay, so the smartest, most logical member of the crew doesn't know
what the word "libido" means?
Crow:
The Hornyverse Tuvok never studied Latin?
Joel:
We're going to run that Hornyverse gag into the ground, aren't we?
Bots:
Yep!
"Its from an old twentieth century psychologist, Doctor Freud.
Tom:
Umm...Wasn't Freud nineteenth century?
Crow:
Twentieth, nineteenth, screw the details and let's get to the
boinking!
I can't believe they never taught that at the Vulcan Science Academy.
Tom: I can't believe the Vulcans don't have a word for it.
It means loosely, how much sex people want." Tu'vok raised another eyebrow and Janeway smiled as she realized.
Joel:
Realized what?
Tom:
How ridiculously OOC she's being written
Crow:
How fast she could have gotten home if she had gotten off her high
moral horse and did something?
Joel:
How rainy days and Mondays always get her down?
"Of course. The rambling of a hundreds of years old drug addict would have no affect on a planet of Vulcans.
Tom:
So Freud is just dismissed as a rambling crackhead!
Crow:
Janeway of the Hornyverse has no need for history!
Anything else, Tu'vok?" "Yes there was one more thing, Captain."
Joel: I was wondering why I've suddenly got a Klingon name?
"Well, out with it already. I have... um... pressing business to attend to with... uh.. Kes. Yes, Kes I think."
Crow:
KES?!? Aw man! That means Seven isn't there yet!
Tom:
[Sarcastically] Aww, too bad!
She smiled and thought of the beautiful little blond girl who was only a year old. Even though she had the body of a full grown woman.
Joel:
Oh, that's nice! Just what every lemon needs: A hint of pedophilia.
Crow:
Pedophilia: It's not just for guys anymore!
She had probably never been with another woman before.
Tom:
Neither have 90% of all women! What's your point?
Crow:
It's a lemon, She's an OOC nympho. Need you ask?
There were lots of things she could teach her.
Joel:
Like how to be an utter tramp and still command a starship?
Crow:
How to pick up objects with her...
Tom
and Joel: CROW!
Crow:
Toes! I was gonna say toes!
Her pussy responded to the mental images before she knew she was even thinking them.
Tom:
She's got a telepathic vagina?
Crow:
Now THAT'S talent!
Joel:
[Janeway's "area"] Hey! Stop that! You are not sticking
that in...Oh my God! Cucumbers?!?
Perhaps there was something to this 'bizarre region of space' thing, she thought. It could get interesting.
Joel: [Janeway] But I really doubt it.
"Well, Captain, I... uh... I miss my mommy still."
All:
o_0
Tom:
WHAT?!?
Crow:
Hornyverse, Shmornyverse! This is getting just plain ridiculous!
"Tuvok,
Joel: [Janeway] I've decided I don't like you as a Klingon.
we went over this in the first episode, remember? I said I'd get you all back home. What more do you want from me?"
Crow:
To stop passing up every opportunity to get home because it either
interferes with your exploration of the Planet of Fuzzy Bunnies or
because it MIGHT violate the Prime Directive?
Tom:
Venting, are we?
Crow:
So I got issues! Bite me!
She was pissed at him for interrupting her beautiful fantasies of Kes.
Joel:
You were only thinking of her for -what - 10 seconds?
Crow:
[Janeway] I got a GOOOOD imagination!
She noticed Tuvok was staring intently at her breast.
Tom:
I'm confused: Did she put her clothes back on yet?
Joel:
Does it really matter at this point?
Tom:
Good point
The nipple hardened a little more in response to what they both were thinking.
Joel:
Katherine Janeway: The woman with psychic genitals!
Crow:
Call now to talk to Janeway's nipple! Learn about your future love
and happiness from her highly trained vagina!
Tom:
Her team of wonderful body parts are waiting for your call! Call
today! Genitalia are standing by!
Joel:
The Psychic Genital Hotline! Arousing predictions, just for you!
"Oh, okay. Come over here and kneel on the ground."
Joel: Kneel, worm!
Tuvok did so and stared hungrily at her breast. "I don't know Captain. It must be this new area of space, because I am definitely feeling something strange."
Tom:[Tuvok] I feel as if I am being poorly written and forced to do incredibly stupid things for some writer's amusement.
"Just shut up and suck, Tuvok," Janeway said. She was getting impatient.
Joel:
And we're getting bored.
Crow:
[Homer Simpson] Boring!
But she moaned deeply as he took the nipple between his lips and began sucking. She felt sensations she hadn't felt in some time coursing through her body.
Tom: Revulsion! Self-loathing! The feeling that she's not quite herself today.
She would definitely pay a visit to Kes before the day was over. And something more too.
Crow:
Of course you will.
Tom:
This is going to get very wrong, isn't it?
Joel:
Looks that way!
She decided she would run a holographic representation of Freud and talk to him. Maybe he could give some valuable insight as to what was going on.
Crow:
What's to know? You're turning into Nina Hartley!
Joel:
Who?
Crow:
When you're older, dear!
Kes was waiting for Neelix in the lounge when Janeway came in. She noticed there was something about the Captain.
Tom: [Kes] The captain looks extra slutty today.
Her breasts were usually nice, but today they looked even better. Hot looking, hard little nipples poaked through her uniform front.
Crow:
Joel? How do nipples "poak"
Joel:
Well, Crow...when two nipples love each other very much...
Her hair was messed and sweaty but still the whole package looked great to Kes. Kes was a mass of conflicting emotions.
Tom:
[Kes] MUST...FORNICATE...UNCONTROLABLY!
Crow:
[Kes] NO! MUST...MAINTAIN...DIGNITY!!!
Joel:
[Kes] MUST...NOT...SUCCUMB TO...AUTHOR'S...LURID...FANTASIES!
She had never really been attracted to another woman, but the Captain today changed all that.
Crow: Yep! The Hornyverse will do that to you!
Janeway came directly at her and put a hand right on her hot little ass. It rubbed herleg just below the hemline of her litt skirt.
Crow:
Who's Herleg? I thought she was stalking Kes.
Tom:
And what's a "litt" skirt?
Joel:
Guys, I think we're hitting the spelling riffs a bit hard.
Crow:
Well it's that or Sex, sex, OOC, and more SEX!
Joel:
Good point. Carry on.
For some reason, Kes had not worn any underwear
Tom:
The reason being that Pussy Willow thought it would be sexy.
Crow:
[Pussy Willow] Oooh! And I'll have Janeway feel up Kes! And Kes won't
be wearing any underwear! Oh baby! That's the ticket!
and she felt the cold draft on her butt, making it tingle.
Crow: The tingle means you're horny!
She looked deeply into Janeway's eyes and arched her back a little.
All: SLEEEP!!!
This was the sign Janeway wanted and moved in to kiss her deeply.
Tom: Janeway gets the sign from Kes...There's the wind-up, and the kiss! There it is! It's an absolute crap fest!
They stayed like that a moment, their lips meeting passionately.
Crow:
So none of the crewmembers are noticing this? Maybe discreetly
dropping hints that maybe Janeway shouldn't be making out with other
women in the middle of a lounge?
Joel:
Or maybe they're used to it by now?
Tom:
[random crewman] Aw, Cripes! Captain's feeling up Kes again!
Kes' body responded to Janeway as she pressed against her.
Crow: She started flailing at Janeway in a desperate attempt to escape!
Janeway raised the skirt a little and Kes gasped into her mouth, knowing that everyone in the lounge was getting a great show.
Tom:
Looks like you were right, Joel.
Joel:
I kinda wish I wasn't.
Janeway liked that and raised the front of her skirt too. Her blond haired pussy came into view and people around the room started mumbling to themselves.
All:
Rhubarb! Rhubarb! Naked chick rhubarb!
Tom:
Umm...If Janeway is standing in front of Kes, how can EVERYBODY see
Kes' pubes?
Joel:
If you keep questioning every inconsistency, your head'll explode
again!
The men's eyes were fixated on that hot little blonde.
Crow:
And all the women were staring at Janeway?
Tom:
At this point, I think they were all actively smacking the men across
the backs of their heads.
"Come, on," Janeway said, after breaking the kiss and pulled the Ocampa with her by the skirt front.
Tom:
[Stereotypical Indian] Come! On! Ugh!
Joel:
[Janeway] Come on, little Ocampa. Walkies!
Ocampa just nodded and swallowed hard.
Crow: Her last name's "Ocampa"?
"What about.... what about... Neelix," Kes said as she followed Janeway into the hall.
Crow: [Janeway] Let him command his own starship, then HE can get all the nookie he wants!
"Well, I wont be able to stand him there, but we can make a video for him if you want."
Tom: [Janeway] I'll touch myself in open doorways, and feel up young women in public, but being watched while having lesbian sex is where I draw the line!
"Yes," Kes said passionately. Janeway stopped and pushed her against the wall. She ran a hand over Kes' body as Kes closed her eyes. Janeway reached under Kes' skirt and felt her pussy. "You're realy hot, aren't you? You love this, huh? Say it," Janeway demanded
All: IT!
as she inserted a finger. Kes moaned and bucked against Janeway's finger as it penetrated her.
Joel:
So...She refuses to let Neelix watch them go at it, but will gladly
finger Kes in a hallway where every Tom, Chakotay, and Harry can
wander in?
Crow:
Maybe she just doesn't like Neelix?
Tom:
Continuity - Thy name is NOT Pussy Willow.
Even her pointed ears tingteled.
Joel:
"Tingteled?"
Tom:
That's going in the file next to "Fronged!"
"Yes, I love it," she said loudly.
All: I like it! I love it! I want some more of it!
Janeway responded
Tom: In horror as she realized how incredibly wrong this all was.
by putting another finger inside her.
Tom: Or just going with the flow.
"Oh, god," Kes screamed. "Don't stop! I'm going to cum already! God, I can't >believe it would be this good."
All: Neither can we!
"No you're not," Janeway said and quickly pulled the fingers out of her pussy. "You'll cum when I tell you to." Kes moaned in frustration and fell back heavily aganst the wall. She closed her eyes and thought
Tom: [Kes] It's only a fanfic! It's only a fanfic!
for a moment about fingering herself down there. But she had never done it in front of anyone, and didn't think she could. Escpecially not for another woman.
Crow: A little late for modesty, don't you think?
Janeway opened Kes' blouse and let her breasts hang out. "From now on, we'll walk like this.
Joel: [Monty Python voice] No, no! That's not quite silly enough!
You're breasts are here for everyone to see." She pinched one nipple and pulled Kes along by it. "Come on."
Tom:
And the reason Kes hasn't dropkicked Janeway for treating her like
this is?
Crow:
In the Hornyverse, all non-human females are wanton sluts just
waiting for a firm hand to dish out portions of sweet pain to
their...firm...sweet...naked...flesh...ggghhh...
Tom:
Ah, crap! Crow cubed it!
Joel:
He'll be fine in a second.
Kes moaned and followed her. Afraid that someone would see her but turned on as hell. She would have let Janeway do anything to her at that moment, anything. She was humialted by being led around like some bitch, by the nipple.
Tom: You might even say she was "humiliated."
The humiliation was added to by the fact that her pussy was dripping all down her leg.
Joel:
Ewwww! I think you should have the Doctor look at that for you!
Crow:
Na...Ni...NIPPLES!!!
Tom:
Have a nice trip, Crow?
Crow:
I feel so dirty all of a sudden...
They made it back to Janeway's quarters. Only a dozen or so men had seen them,
Tom:
Is this a Roman Galley? Where are the rest of the women in this ship?
Joel:
Going by the way this story is going, do you really want to find out?
Crow:
Ooh! Ooh! I do!!
had seen Kes being led around by the nipple, had seen how turned on she had been by it all.
Tom: Had seen the look of desperation in Kes' eyes. Had seen the silent plea for help.
She was bent over Janeway's bed, her head resting on it and her knees on the floor next to it.
Joel: In other words, she's kneeling?
Her legs were spread wide apart and her pussy was wide open for Janeway to inspect.
Crow: Kneeling, legs spread, bent over...That doesn't sound too comfortable...
Her clit was swollen and sensitive. Every time Janeway stroked her pussy,
[All do opening riff of "Cat Scratch Fever"]
it brought her almost to the edge of an orgasm. Every time, though, Janeway had stopped just before she could have one.
All: Aww!
Janeway stood behind her, completyly naked too.
Tom:
My God! Pussy Willow's channeling Elmer Fudd now!
Crow:
Be vewy, vewy, quwiet! I'm hunting...
Tom
and Joel: Crow!
Crow:
What?
In one hand she held a holo-camera and aimed it at Kes' hot little cunt. "I want you to rub yourself," she told Kes.
Joel: The server is up and we can make a mint off of you!
Kes closed her eyes and tensed up. From behind, Janeway could see her ass clenching shut. She was afraid.
Tom:
So are we.
Joel:
This is going to turn even more wrong, isn't it?
Janeway reached over and brought her hand down on Kes's ass. She flinched in pain and bucked against the bed. "You're pussy gives you away, Kes.
Tom:
[Darth Vader] Your cunt betrays you.
Crow: Hey!
Watch the language!
Tom:
Sorry!
I can see you like it. Now do it." Kes reached behind her, between her legs, and brought her hand to her pussy lips. The first stroke almost sent her over the edge. Janeway saw this and stopped her by slapping her on the ass again. "If you cum and I don't give you permission,
Tom: No soup for you!
I'll take you back to the lounge, put you over my knee and give you a spanking you won't forget.
Crow:
Woo-hoo!! Spanking Time!!!
Joel:
Down boy!
Neither will anyone else who will be there. I may even call Paris down to watch."
Tom: Or he could just watch the lounge monitors on his free time.
She rubbed harder now. God help her, she liked it.
Crow: [High pitched] She likes it! Hey Mikey!
She loved being made to do things, naughty things.
Tom:
Oh...Kaaay.
Crow:
Joel? Young Miss Willow is off in her own little world, isn't she?
Joel:
I'm afraid so, Crow.
She started bucking again, this time in pleasure. But she forced herself to slow down.
Joel: Goodness knows we wouldn't want to end this fic any sooner, would we?
She didn't want Paris to see her spanked by another woman.
Tom:
But she's willing to share the experience with Neelix?
Crow:
Smile and nod?
Joel:
Smile and nod.
"With your other hand," Janeway said. "Spank yourself." Kes sighed, but her pussy leaked even more.
Crow:
Joel? Shouldn't a female author know that real women don't tend to
drip like leaky faucets?
Joel:
I think she's too caught up in proving that she can be just as sleazy
and puerile as the male lemon authors out there.
Tom:
Puerile, eh?
She brought her hand up in the air
Crow:
And waved it like she just don't care!
Joel
and Tom: HEY! HO! HEY! HO!
than down hard on her own ass. The conflicting sensations of pain and pleasure sent her over the edge and she began bucking against the bed.
Crow: She's having a seizure!
She forced in four fingers into her pussy and fucked herself while she spanked herself quicker and harder than she had been.
Tom: [falsetto] Naughty girl! Spanky, spanky!
She screamed
All: AAAAAAAAHH!!!
as the orgasm ripped through her and fell backwards over the bed,
Crow:
She flipped herself over!
Joel:
Just like a dead cockroach.
her fingers still pistoning in and out of her cunt. She was totally embarrassed by it all and remembered the camera was on and caught the whole thing.
Tom:
Bad news - the lens cap was on. You gotta do the whole thing over
again.
Joel
and Crow: NOOOO!!!
"Come on," Janeway said.
Joel: [Kes] I just did!
She sounded angry. "Get up." She pulled Kes to her feet by her hair and pressed the door open. As she guided Kes to the door, she grabbed a rober for herself.
Tom:
Shouldn't she - oh, I don't know - GRAB HER UNIFORM?!?
Crow:
Settle down. Almost over!
She left Kes naked as they entered the hall. Janeway put the robe on and activated her comm badge. "Lt. Paris, please report to the lounge." Kes closed her eyes and tensed as she wondered what would happen.
Joel: What happens? We leave!
[All Leave]
[6]...[5]...[4]...[3]...[2]...[1]...[ * ]
[Back on the bridge, Crow is sitting at the bridge looking dejected. Joel and Tom wander in.]
Joel: Hey, little gold buddy. Why so glum?
Crow: It's this fic, Joel. I mean it was just so BAD! With the typos and the rampant OOC. But the thing that gets me is: This was lesbian sex, written by a woman, and it STANK!!! It was as erotic as reading a flip book full of stick figures! You would think that someone who's a woman would know how to write lesbian sex with some sort of - I don't know...
Tom: Accuracy? Flair? Taste?
Crow: Yeah!
Tom: You know what gets me is the way that Pussy Willow tries to pass up the crew's weird behavior as an effect of that "Strange area of space", but starts the story by referring to Janeway and Tuvok's previous OOC behavior! I mean the whole thing is absurd!
Joel: I thought you might feel that way, guys so I made up a few sketches and charts for a presentation I call "Lesbians: Like men, only prettier."
[Groans and protestations from the bots.]
Joel: I thought you might feel that way. [Turns toward Cambot] This may take a while, sirs. So I'll just say "Whaddaya think, sirs?"
[D-13]
[We see Dr. F and Frank still in their "Rain" suits, trying to dance. And not doing a very good job of it.]
Dr.F:[yelling] I couldn't hear you, Joel. The music is too loud! Not that I would listen, anyway! Push the button, Frank!
Frank: The button! * UNGH! * The button!
[[FWOOSH!!]]