1.Give him a pregnant duck.
2.Dip him in a large portion of tartare sauce.
3.Give him a pregnant duck dipped in a large portion of tartare sauce.
4.Dip him in a large portion of tatare sauce and stir it with a pregnant duck.
5.Turn him into a pregnant duck.
6.Turn him into a pregnant duck and dip him in a large portion of tatare sauce.
7.Turn him into a large portion of tatare sauce and give him a pregnant duck.
8.Give him a pregnant chicken that turns into a large portion of tatare sauce when hugged and make him hug it.

9.Hug him.
10.Poke him.
11.Hug him and poke him.
12.Call him a "cute little fuzzy wuzzy" and tickle him under the chin when he is about to be killed by apophis.
13.Poke him in the eye.
14.Weld his nose to something hard.
15.Turn his hair into an umbrella and insist on using it.
16.Leave empty coffee cups wherever he's been (probably does that anyway) and fill them with coke.
17.Follow him around and keep saying "bing"
18.Get him drunk and make him try to eat the stargate.
19.Eat the stargate.
20.Eat him.
21.Eat the whole Sg-1 team.
22.Call him a fish.
23.Tell him how much you like fish.
24.Turn him into a fish.
25.Eat lots of fish in front of him.
26.Throw small stones at him.
27.Turn the stargate into a small stone, then throw it at him.
28.Hide all of the tissues.
29.Turn his cloaths into a tutu.
30.Poo his shoe.
31.Poo on him.
32.Make him poo on his shoe.
33.Poo on every one else's shoes and make him clean them.
34.Tell him that coffee is poo.
35.Poo on the stargate.
36.Call him doug for no apparent reason.
37.Make up a language as you go along and expect him to translate it.
38.Use a permanant marker to change all of the chevrons.
39.Hide his left hand.
40.Insist he is a banana.