She laughed as she followed him down the deserted hallway. She felt like a school girl sneaking around pulling practical jokes, following Chakotay around with a plate of florescent orange soufflé. Oh she was tempted take her plate and smash it into his face and take off at a dead run, but she figured her crew had seen enough of her juvenile behavior for one day. If that was the case, what was she doing skulking around the Hydroponics Bay, clinging to the shadows as Chakotay reconnoitered their dump site? Silently he pointed to a bed of azaleas and whispered,
"NOW!" They dumped simultaneously, taking the empty plates with them. Walking as non-chalantly as they could, they deposited the plates in a recycler just outside the Mess Hall, and quickly headed for the turbo-lift before anyone was any wiser.
Once the doors closed on them they both broke down in fits of laughter.
"Can you see the look on Tivoli's face when he sees that stuff? He's going to have a fit that someone messed with his prize azaleas!" He choked, he was laughing so hard.
"So *that's* why the careful reconnaissance," she said, the realization dawning on her. "Chakotay, I've never seen this side of you! I've always known you had a 'different' sense of humor, but I didn't know you went in for practical jokes as well. I may have to put you on report!"
"Well then you better put yourself down as well because you made an excellent accomplice!"
"Hmmm. I guess you're right. Maybe we'll forget it, just this once," she said, almost laughing again at his expression. "You better have an iron-clad alibi if something like this ever happens again, because you know who'll be the first person I'll suspect."
"I guess I'll never be able to leave your side will I?" His voice had suddenly turned serious.
Kathryn swallowed as she saw the intense look in his eyes. "I think that's a bit extreme, don't you?" Fortunately the tension was broken by the lift doors opening onto deck 13. She quickly exited the confines of the turbo-lift and crossed swiftly to the Science Lab.
Although the ship was manned by three different shifts, the work in the science labs was done mostly on the Alpha Shift, due to the shortage of scientists. Most of the people on *Voyager* were needed in more key positions, So as she had expected, the Science Lab was deserted. Kathryn called for the lights to come up as she strode to her work station. She'd only been here a day, but if Chakotay had to pick her area out of the four, he would have chosen the one she had walked to. There was something about the organized disarray that spoke "Janeway" to him. It reminded him of her desk in her ready room.
Kathryn activated her computer terminal and began to outline what she hoped to prove with her study. As she launched into her theories, Chakotay found he couldn't concentrate on the words she spoke. Instead, he saw her animated features, the excited gleam in her eyes, the passion she felt for her research. He always got a lump in his throat watching her in command situations, but he found her enthusiasm here equally as enticing.
She continued to talk about the pulsars as he walked over to her and gave her a big hug. It wasn't an intimate hug as she sometimes found herself the recipient of, just a big old, comfortable bear hug.
"What was that for?" She asked, as she nervously stepped back from his embrace.
"Nothing," he said, suddenly a little shy. "You're so excited by all this, you're like a kid at Christmas, and I just wanted to share some of that joy."
"I'm the one who should be thanking you. For making me see that I needed this, to regain some balance in my life."
"Glad I could help," he said sincerely.
"I can't remember the last time I let my hair down like this," she said, rubbing her forehead with a slightly embarrassed smile.
"Probably right before you cut it," he added sarcastically.
"Are we back to that *again?*"
"No. I promise to be good. Walk you home? I hear there's some lunatic roaming the halls with plates of Wahlvek soufflé."
"Really?" She said with feigned shock. "I heard there's two maniacs on the loose."
He grabbed a phaser-shaped tool off her table and held it before him like a weapon. Pushing her slightly behind him, he slowly slinked out of the science lab and into the hallway as if he were on point for an invasion force. He continued his role-playing right up to her door, offering to enter and make sure her quarters were safe.
"No, thanks for the offer though," she said, wiping the tears from her eyes that had gathered there with her side-splitting laughter. "Maybe I should see if *your* quarters are safe." She could see he had a witty sexual innuendo on the tip of his tongue, but he managed to restrain himself.
"Seriously Chakotay, thank you for tonight. I can't remember when I've laughed so much. Certainly not since we hit this dead section of space. Maybe that's why I've felt so silly and giddy all evening. I think the old timers called it 'cabin fever,' or more recently 'space fever.' Maybe if we sanctioned practical jokes, the crew wouldn't be at each other's throats."
"Stranger things have been known to happen," he said cryptically. "Good night Kathryn."
"Good night," she replied, watching him until he entered his quarters, hoping against hope that his night of practical jokes was at an end.
Chakotay sat at the head of the table in the conference room, going over the last minute details of the topics he wished to discuss with the senior staff. He toyed with the PADD, hoping Kathryn would make it to the room before the rest of the officers. Part of the reason he had suggested their role-reversal was to free her up so they could spend some more time together. As it was, he saw less of her now than he had before. It had only taken her a week to ask him if he could handle the duties of the First Officer again, in addition to his assumed role as Captain. She wasn't trying to over work him, she explained, it was that she found that any other outside duties took away from her time in the Science Lab. Chakotay never figured he'd end up being jealous of a group of pulsars! Of course he had offered to help her out and resumed his old job as well as his current one. It wasn't like he couldn't handle the extra work load. At the rate things were going, he could probably handle the entire Bridge himself. So now the only time he saw Kathryn was at the morning briefings and at an occasional meal, consumed as quickly as she could so she could get back to that damned science project of hers. Even Tyler and Myers were overheard talking to their fellow crew members about Janeway's obsessive behavior.
As if his wishful thinking was working for once, Kathryn entered the conference room with a mug of coffee in one hand and a PADD in the other. Almost tripping because her eyes were glued to the data before her, she chose a seat near the middle of the table, ignoring the fact there was another person in the room. Chakotay sat back and crossed his arms, waiting for her to acknowledge him. It took several minutes, but finally she looked up.
"This is the most fascinating occurrence!" She exclaimed, almost glowing. "The pulsar's flashes are synchronous, then one will start to emit a different pulse, and the others adjust their bursts to match the new cadence. It's almost like they're playing follow the leader!" She looked up to see Chakotay's almost pouting face.
"What? What's the matter?"
"Good morning to you too!"
"Oh for heavens sake Chakotay! Are you acting like a petulant child because I didn't breeze in here full of smiles and kisses?"
"Some simple acknowledgment would have been nice."
"I'm sorry Captain. Good morning Sir." She practically bit back at him.
Chakotay sighed. "That's not what I meant and you know it. It's just that we never talk anymore. The only time I see you is at these briefings and a meal if they kick you out of the lab, and then you always have a PADD in your hand. Do you take that thing to bed with you as well?"
"And do you get this upset with B'Elanna when she doesn't come in here and give you a big hug?" She knew the answer was "no," and she also knew the reason he was upset. She supposed she had been a little preoccupied with her research lately, but she thought he of all people would understand her desire, her *need* to finish this project before her month was up.
"Now who's sounding like a spoiled child?" He crossed over to her and leaned one hip on the table, causing her to look up at him. "This was supposed to be fun," he said, his anger evaporating. "For all of us. A break from routine, not an excuse for you to work harder than you normally do."
Janeway leaned back in her chair. "I guess I have been going at it a little aggressively," she agreed. Chakotay raised an eyebrow at her. "Okay, maybe a bit obsessive, but I never realized how much I miss the science part of my training."
"You don't have to go at this like it's the last experiment that you'll ever do. If it's that important to you, we'll find a way for you to be more involved in the Science Department. You don't always have to do everything by yourself."
He was right. Where had she gotten the idea that she had to follow up on every shred of information herself? She certainly had no trouble delegating responsibility when it came to running the ship. Why did she have such a hard time relinquishing a little control with her research? She remembered how he had initially offered to help her discover an antigen on New Earth, but she practically ordered him away from "her baby." Maybe it had something to do with her creative side. She wasn't allowed to express much of that side of herself on the Bridge. Having someone else finish her experiments was like having someone finish a painting she was working on. They might see the direction it was originally moving in, but with a new person came new perspectives. And while she realized this was usually a positive thing, it wasn't desirable with something as personal as her work was to her.
Chakotay watched her face as she turned the thoughts over quickly in her mind. He could almost see the gears working, as they used to say.
"You're right," she finally conceded. "So now what doctor?"
A smile began to play at the corners of his mouth. "Have dinner with me tonight."
"That's your answer to everything, isn't it? Ply me with good food and good company," she smiled, handing him her hand so he could help her straighten up in her chair. "What time and where?" she sighed.
"20:00 hours, my quarters?"
"How about 19:30 in my quarters?"
"Okay, you win," he gave in, knowing she would probably feel more relaxed on her "own turf." He gave her a warm, friendly smile and patted her arm as he headed back to his seat. "Nice to have you back," he added.
*********
It was 19:00 hours and Kathryn stood examining herself in the mirror for what seemed the hundredth time. What was she so nervous about? It's not like it was the first time she and Chakotay had shared a meal in her quarters. She had plenty of replicator rations, so she would be able to accommodate any request he had. . . . Maybe that was the problem. She was worried that his "request" may be something of a more personal nature. He had kept up his subtle pursuit of her, and she had to admit, he was beginning to wear her down. She too had missed the close association they normally shared when both of them occupied the Bridge, but she also found that she was able to relax and lose herself in her research in the science lab, and not always have the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that he was watching her every move. She supposed it was flattering. If one day he stopped being so attentive, she would probably be hurt, then angry. She claimed to not want his attentions and his affection, but she knew she would be lost without it. How could she be such a bundle of contradictions? She thought back to her relationship with Mark. The poor man. She had no idea how he put up with her mixed signals for as long as he did, and still be back for more. He claimed not to be a "dog person," when she had asked him to watch her Irish Setter, Molly, but that's what he reminded her of: A faithful companion who always returned for more, no matter how she treated him.
She had changed out of her uniform into a simple aqua dress, which she hadn't accessorized. This was two friends having dinner, not a date she had to dress up for and try to impress him. Still, she knew the dress was one of his favorites, and realized it was probably why she had chosen it.
She puttered around her quarters, straightening a picture here and adjusting a knick-knack there. Why was she so fidgety? It was her suggestion to dine in her quarters for this exact reason--so she wouldn't be so nervous. The earlier time was so she would get to sleep at a decent hour. It never failed, when ever they got together for dinner, they would end up discussing anything and everything until she suddenly would realize it was one or two in the ship's morning. Somehow he always managed to engage her interests and they would end up on some tangent neither could remember starting.
The door chimed as she found herself before the mirror yet again.
"Come!" she called out, moving to the center of the room to greet her guest.
Chakotay stepped into the room. He noted that the lights were at a level that was more casual than for duty, but not low enough to be intimate. Even her lights were non-committal!
"Hi," she said, feeling a little nervous. Sometimes she felt she should embrace him, and others she thought he would mis-read her greeting. In the end she ended up standing almost at attention, clenching and unclenching her hands.
"At ease, Commander Janeway," he teased. "You look great," he added, glad she had picked out the dress that was his favorite. It was a simple style that was similar to what used to be called a "jumper," but it was more form fitting. The skirt flared a little around her small waist and ended just above her knees. He was glad she hadn't chosen any adornment, his gift would be all she would need to set the dress off.
"You look good too," she told him, starting to relax a little now that the first few seconds had passed. He had gone casual as well and she was sincere when she told him he looked good. The loose-fitting pants and shirt in earth-tones suited him. In fact the outfit was so "Chakotay," she couldn't imagine him in any other style, save his uniform, and he looked *damn* good in that. Kathryn felt herself beginning to blush. Where had *that* thought come from?
"Would you like something to drink?" She offered, heading for the replicator. "I think I'll have some ice tea, it seems a bit warm in here, don't you think?"
"No, seems fine to me," he answered, enjoying her discomfort, realizing he was the cause of it. "Ice tea would be great."
She motioned him to the sofa and joined him with two frosty glasses.
"I haven't had ice tea in ages," he said, accepting the glass.
"Neither have I. Today felt like it should have been a summer day, so I was thirsty for it. I think it would be summer on New Earth," she added a little wistfully.
"Funny you should mention that," he said, withdrawing a small box from his pants pocket.
"What's this?"
"It's a combination thank you, congratulations and 'just because' gift."
"Thank you, congratulations and just because?"
"Thank you for dinner," he explained, but she interrupted him before he could finish.
"We haven't had dinner yet. Shouldn't you wait and see if it's edible first?"
"And congratulations on your recent discoveries," he continued, ignoring her rude interjection. "And just because, well, just because."
Kathryn took the proffered box and asked, "Shall I open it now?"
Chakotay nodded. She undid the ribbon and lifted the lid. Pushing aside delicate paper she saw what appeared to be a necklace, with an oval pendant. The silver metal was engraved with a floral pattern which he told her was a wild Irish rose.
"Chakotay, it's lovely! It reminds me of the locket my great-great-grandmother used to wear!"
"Open it," he advised.
"It *is* a locket!" She exclaimed, hurrying to release the catch. Inside was a picture of the shelter they had shared on New Earth.
"Now you'll always be home," he said, his voice thick with emotion.
"It's perfect! Thank you!" She cried, and without thinking, threw her arms around Chakotay's neck and kissed him on the cheek. He slid his arms around her and hugged her back. As she pulled away from his embrace he noticed tears in her eyes.
"Hey, it was supposed to make you happy, not sad," he said, wiping a stray tear from her cheek.
"I am! I can't believe how thoughtful you can be!" she said, her face breaking into a grin.
"Just call me Mr. Sensitive," he said, returning her smile.
"I'm speechless! How can mere words express how wonderful a present this is? And how did you know I was feeling 'homesick?'"
"I knew I was, so I figured you must be as well," he confessed.
"Do you think about it a lot?"
"Only about twenty times a day, and then I'll have a stretch where it will seem like it never happened. Of course I'm happy to be back on *Voyager*, but I can't help thinking about what might have been. . . ."
"Me too. I'm glad I don't have to make a choice. I honestly don't know if I could choose between them."
Chakotay wasn't quite sure how to take her disclosure. Did this mean she wished for a less formal atmosphere, as he did, so that they might have a chance to explore a relationship? Before he could persue his line of thought, she was off the couch and standing before her mirror trying on the necklace. It was just the right length, and the perfect accompaniment to her dress. He joined her in front of the looking glass and placed his hands on her shoulders.
"It's definitely you," he said, admiring the way it caught the light.
Kathryn turned around to face him , trying once again to express her gratitude. "I think it's the nicest gift anyone's ever given me," her voice started to crack. "Thank you."
He wasn't sure how it happened. He'd been that close to her before, and in equally emotional situations, but he'd never stepped over the boundaries. Never invaded her personal space. But there he was, with his lips caressing hers. His hands slid up her neck and held her head to his as he felt her begin to return his kiss. As if she too had suddenly realized what had happened, she pulled away, flustered.
"I'm sorry Kathryn," he said. And he meant it. He had no intention of kissing her, all of a sudden he just *was.* "I don't want you to think that I gave you the locket with some kind of ulterior motive in mind."
Her face softened in empathy. "I know that, Chakotay. And I'm sorry too. I wish I could give you a logical reason for my behavior, but I can't." There was something about the tone of her voice that made Chakotay think she was going to tell him more, but it was gone just as quickly. Kathryn abruptly walked away from him, perhaps fearing her close proximity would entice him to finish what he had started.
Rubbing his chin, Chakotay knew he had spoiled any chance of them having a relaxing evening. "Kathryn, I've put you in an uncomfortable position, and I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry. Maybe after we've both had some time to think about this we can try for dinner again."
"I think it would be for the best," she agreed, her voice barely audible.
"Good night," he said without meeting her eyes.
"Good night."
She leaned against the door as it closed with a whoosh of air. How had things gotten so out of control? All they were going to do was have a nice dinner between two friends who'd lost touch for a short time, and the next thing she knew they were back in this uncertain place. She wanted to lay the blame on Chakotay for having given her such a personal gift, for basically no reason, but she couldn't. It had only been a thoughtful gesture, only had been *meant* as a thoughtful gesture, but she had gone and ruined it for both of them. She felt horrible for the way she lead him on by returning his kiss, then abruptly pushing him away. All the reasons she had stated for not wanting to get involved with him were true, and she knew she was hiding behind her command, but it was in an effort to avoid the real reason she was so scared. Her fears had a very real basis in the past, and she usually was able to push them to the back of her thoughts, where, she believed, they belonged. But Chakotay had struck a nerve. Not only with his attempted joke about the Cardassians, but with his attentions as well. She and Mark had had an understanding. As much as she dreaded to bring up the past, to go back there and re-live the horror, she knew she owed Chakotay the truth. He deserved nothing less.
She picked the locket up off her chest. Already it felt as if it had always been there. She opened the clasp and looked at the picture he had inserted. "Now you'll always be home," he had said. In that case, he should have put his picture inside, but she knew he would never be that presumptuous. Holding the silver disk in her fist, she knew what she had to do and gathered up her courage to go to his door.