Cavit's feelings toward him were obvious, but Chakotay ignored them. The only person that mattered was Kathryn. The only opinion that could affect him was hers. If he had to work with this man to regain Kathryn's trust, he would do it; he'd been in worse situations.
Cavit keyed the access code to the holding cell, releasing the force-field. Chakotay was about to step out when Cavit held up his hand, stopping him in his tracks.
"I just want you to know I don't agree with this assignment. I think it's unforgivable that the Federation is willing to forget your acts of treason in order to gain your assistance. But I'm an officer on this ship, and I'll obey my orders. One more thing. I know you have some sort of past with the Captain, but I will *not* allow you to hurt her further. You have something to say about this mission, you tell it to me; I'll relay it to the Captain. You're to have no contact with her that she does not initiate. Do I make myself clear?"
Chakotay grit his teeth; he was still in too precarious of a situation to push right now. "Yes."
"That would be 'yes, Commander,' or 'yes, Sir.'" Cavit pointedly reminded him.
"Yes, Commander," he replied. Chakotay was damned if he was going to call the man before him sir!
*********
Forty-five minutes later the three were assembled once more in the Ready Room. Chakotay had just spoken to Nechayev and now was reviewing the information he'd received from her. The cold contempt he felt emanating from Cavit had been echoed on Nechayev's features as well. He was getting better at ignoring it. Since her visit to his cell yesterday, Kathryn seemed to have relented a bit in her attitude towards him, but he wasn't kidding himself. He was well aware that she would have a hard time forgiving him for leaving Starfleet, if indeed she ever did.
Chakotay walked over to Janeway's terminal and surveyed the map displayed there. The Admiral had informed him that Kurt's latest communiqu� had mentioned a secret base in the Badlands. He'd heard of the base, but had never visited it. He knew the coordinates; all the cell commanders were aware of the Maquis' last strong hold. The Badlands were notorious for plasma storms, but a good pilot and a small, fast ship could maneuver through them. Chakotay was surprised Janeway was prepared to take *Voyager* into the area; the plasma discharges were hard to predict, and this ship was larger than most that could safely enter. When he voiced his concern, Janeway only gave him a proud smile and said,
"You haven't seen Tom in action."
"As a matter of fact, I have," Chakotay said, referring to his first encounter with the Pilot on the Holodeck the night of the party. Janeway didn't miss the reference and smiled slightly, making Cavit uncomfortable with the intimacy of their private joke. Clearing his throat he brought both their attentions back to the terminal,
"So this is where the Maquis' base is?" he asked, pointing to a small planet near the center of the Badlands.
"To the best of my knowledge. Like I said, I've never been there, these are just the coordinates that I was given."
"So this information could be out-dated," Cavit said. "And the Federation is letting you off the hook for nothing!"
"Look, I'm not the one who came begging to tell all. You came to me, remember?"
"Gentlemen, please! This kind of speculation is going to get us no where! Commander, you accepted this assignment, if you feel you can't fulfill your duty. . ."
"I'm sorry, Captain; it won't happen again."
"Captain Chakotay? You agreed to help us, but if this is proving to be too great a sacrifice on your part, I can see you back to the Brig."
"Now that you've gotten the information you want from me? Uh Uh. You wanted me, you got me. And I expect you to live up to your end of the bargain."
"Very well," Janeway said. "If we can get back to the matter at hand?"
"I'd like to ask a question first," Chakotay said.
Sighing, Janeway gave her consent. "Go ahead."
"How did Kurt find out about Seska in the first place? And why did he agree to take over command of the cell with her if he knew she was a Cardassian double agent?"
"I don't know, Chakotay. Nechayev's given you access to the same information we have, and she's offered me no explanations," Janeway told him. "Maybe he knew we'd come looking for her, and this way he could keep a better watch on her. At least that's what I'd do."
"It also keeps his cover intact," Chakotay speculated. "That he's committed to the Maquis." The words left a bitter taste in his mouth. Isn't that more or less what he had done? Helped the Maquis until a better offer came along? Was he any better than Seska or Kurt? Chakotay tried not to think of the similarities between the three of them and said,
"The cell was hurting pretty badly when you captured me. Most of our ships needed repairs, we were low on supplies; I don't think you'll have to worry that they've moved on. They're going to need this time to regroup."
"I agree," Janeway said. "Mr. Cavit, have Lt. Paris lay in a course for the Badlands at full impulse, unless B'Elanna comes up with a miracle and gets our warp drive back on line. Once we're there, warp engines won't matter; we'll have to use impulse to maneuver through the plasma storms."
"Aye, Captain. Is there anything else?" Cavit asked, looking at Chakotay, waiting for him to precede him from the room.
"Not at this time, John. Thank you."
"Captain Chakotay?" Cavit called, attempting to lead the man from the room. Chakotay started to follow when Janeway said,
"I'd like a word with the Captain." Cavit was about to protest when he clamped his mouth shut. It was her business if she chose to make this harder on herself.
Secretly, Cavit had been glad she'd asked for his assistance in acting as liaison between her and the Maquis. He'd seen the effect her dual loyalties had on her in the past and he'd hoped to keep her on track. She seemed to be purposely looking for confrontations with Chakotay these last few days, as if testing herself, trying to decide where her true loyalties lay.
Cavit nodded and left the room. Kathryn and Chakotay stared at each other, as if waiting for the other to be the first to speak.
"He's very protective of you," Chakotay finally observed.
"He's a good First Officer; he looks out for his Captain," She stated, knowing Chakotay was hinting at something more.
"As good of First Officer as I would have been?"
"That's a pretty cocky attitude," she said. Kathryn toned down her own approach. "You know I wish it were you in that chair."
"Do I? It's been hard to tell, lately," his voice was questioning, not sarcastic.
"Oh, Chakotay, you know if you were still the First Officer none of this would have happened!"
"I don't know about that; you're giving me an awful lot of credit." There was a slight grin on his face. Chakotay was still standing, waiting for her to offer him a seat opposite her on the sofa beneath the viewports. Looking back from the windows, Kathryn realized he was still on his feet, waiting for her to invite him to a seat. She waved him to the sofa and said,
"If you were still on the ship. . ."
"I am on the ship," he interrupted.
"As the First Officer," she continued, as if he hadn't spoken out of turn. "I wouldn't have been sent out here for you. We would have faced the Maquis in a different situation and maybe *Voyager's* warp drive wouldn't be down. If that was the case, any Maquis we would have captured, would no doubt be in prison now and we wouldn't be the only ship in this sector, ordered into to Badlands."
"I agree with your logic up to a point," he said, reveling in the fact that they were actually having a *conversation* about their differences as opposed to a shouting match like three days ago. "*Voyager* still would have engaged the Maquis at some point and you never know, Nechayev could have reassigned you to this mission into the Badlands."
"Yes, but *Voyager* would be in better shape because a certain traitor wouldn't have filled the Maquis in on every last system of this ship." Anger was starting to creep into her voice again and she didn't want this to disintegrate into another fight any more than he did. But facts were facts: circumstances had changed due to his involvement with the Maquis.
"Wouldn't you have done the same thing?" he asked.
"I wouldn't have joined the Maquis in the first place," she said with an air of superiority. As if she were insulated enough in her little Starfleet universe that emotional issues like family loyalty wouldn't touch her.
"No," he said evenly, "but what if it were another situation, where you had knowledge that would even the odds against your enemy, wouldn't you use it? No matter where it came from, so long as you kept your people from getting killed?"
He had her and she knew it. It was a little hard to continue to condemn a person's behavior when you'd probably do the same thing given the same choices.
"I suppose I would," she conceded. She was getting uncomfortable that he was succeeding in deflating her arguments. He knew he'd been a traitor to Starfleet; he'd never denied that, nor was he trying to get her to excuse that. All he was doing was trying to make her see that this wasn't a black-and-white issue. The whole scenario was shades of gray and he was simply attempting to steer them to some common ground. So why did that make her feel so uneasy? Was she in danger of forgiving him just because she missed him?
Kathryn was starting to feel trapped by his proximity. His open gaze and shy smiles were having the same effect they always did on her. She doubted he even realized what he was doing to her, as he seemed genuinely interested in merely talking to her. Maybe it was this guilelessness that was affecting her so; the fact that he *wasn't* consciously using her attraction to him against her.
"You know, Chakotay, I really have a lot of work to get done," she said, rising. Chakotay mimicked her action and said, ,p. "Of course, Captain." He hadn't called her by her name once since their encounter in the Brig and she realized she missed the sound of it.
"I know I told you to call me 'Captain' when you were first cap. . .when you first came onboard, and I suppose in public you should continue to do so. But since we're working together again, in a manner of speaking, I don't mind if you call me 'Kathryn.'"
Chakotay's predictable, teasing grin lit up his face. "Give me a few days on that one, okay?"
*********
Kathryn rolled over and punched her pillow. This was the third time in her night that she'd woken frustrated; erotic images of Chakotay moving through her mind. The trouble was the images all coalesced into one strange mixture of past and present. One moment she was in her bed with him in her home on Earth and the next she was in the holding cell of the Brig, holding him as he cried out his grief. The next scene she had her arms pinned to her Ready Room wall and she was kissing him as if her life depended on it.
Closing her eyes Kathryn was once again assailed with images of Chakotay's lips traveling up her neck and capturing her own lips. . . .
"Stop it!" she cried out loud, rolling over in the opposite direction, tangling her legs in her blankets. Realizing she'd cried out, she hoped Cavit hadn't heard her. The walls between the cabins weren't particularly sound proof, and she knew he'd heard her on other restless nights, as he'd commented on hearing her "rummaging around." Hopefully he was in a deep enough sleep that he hadn't heard her verbal slip and wouldn't question her on the nature of her insomnia.
Resolved to banish Chakotay from her thoughts, Kathryn straightened her blankets, closing her eyes once more. Good. No more images of him. Then it was Chakotay's voice. "Kathryn" her mind whispered with his particular intonation that went straight to her core. "It's not a black-and-white issue" was the next phrase. "Starfleet's willing to give me a chance, why won't you?" The last caused her eyes to fly open. When had he said that? She couldn't remember Chakotay saying it, but her mind chose to present the idea in his voice. It was something he *would* have said. Tossing off her covers, Kathryn jumped out of bed and began to pace. She stared at her bed, afraid to close her eyes for fear her mind would give her even more unsettling thoughts to deal with.
She walked around her cabin for nearly fifteen minutes before deciding she might as well go over some reports as long as she was up. Replicating a pot of coffee, she sat down at her desk and picked up the first PADD. It was another of Ensign Murphy's reports that was so garbled she couldn't make heads or tails of it. Angrily she made a note on her computer to have a talk with the young man about the proper way to write a report. How had he ever graduated from the Academy?
Sighing, she picked up the next PADD. Megan Delany's request for more staff to be assigned to Stellar Cartography. Janeway reviewed the list of crew already in Stellar. Megan had a full staff; she'd have to make due. It wasn't until she was on her third report that Janeway realize she was taking her own frustrations out on her crew.
Kathryn tossed the PADD she had in her hand onto the desk and rubbed her temples. She needed to talk to someone about this. If she didn't get it out of her system she was never going to be ready to face the Maquis in the Badlands and she had to be in top form when they next encountered the Rebels.
There was no counselor onboard *Voyager.* This wasn't a long enough mission to warrant the addition to the crew. The Doctor? Another dead-end. He couldn't even make someone with a sliver feel better, she doubted he'd have much understanding of her divided loyalties. Tuvok? No, he would never understand why she couldn't clearly see that her duty took precedence over any personal feelings, no matter what the reason. Cavit? She considered him a friend, but not close enough to confide her inner-most thoughts to. Besides, how impartial would he be? He didn't like Chakotay and certainly didn't think he should be let out of the Brig, much less back into her life.
That thought sobered her. Isn't that what this was all about? Her trying to decide if she were willing to overlook the fact that he was a traitor just to have him back in her bed? Was she really that shallow? Kathryn realized she was overreacting. If that was all that mattered to her, she could have had him by now. It was obvious his feelings toward her hadn't changed. No, it was more than that, but her damn pride and principles kept her from considering letting him back into her life. If tonight was any indication, she needed to come to some type of resolution, and fast. This was beginning to affect her judgment.
But that left her back at square one. There was no one on *Voyager* she could talk to. Just then she stared at her computer terminal. Regulations forbid non-emergency transmissions for personal reasons. But wasn't this was becoming an emergency? If she didn't resolve this soon, she wouldn't be of much use to her crew. Making the decision, she asked the computer,
"Computer, state current time on North American continent of Earth, Eastern Standard Time."
"Current time is 22:04 hours."
Not too late for Phoebe, Kathryn mused. She punched in the code for her sister's home, receiving an automated message stating she was visiting an Artist Colony on Betazed and wouldn't be back for another two weeks. If she knew her sister, Phoebe was off in the jungles of Betazed somewhere, searching for inspiration for her next work, out of range of any form of contact.
Who else was there? Her mother? She'd feel very strange discussing such a sensitive subject with her mother, especially since her mother never approved of her choice of Chakotay over Mark.
Mark? she wondered. Could she? No, that would be too awkward. He probably would have the best advice to give her, but could she ask it of him given the way she'd treated him? Kathryn got up from her desk, walking in circles, trying to find a logical reason she would be calling him. She wasn't afraid of his rejection, quite the opposite actually. She was afraid he'd be gracious, always willing to help her despite what she'd done to him. Did she have the right to ask this of him? If only she knew if he'd managed to move on. If he was still pinning away for her, there was no way she was going to burden him further. She headed back to her terminal, still unsure if she were doing the right thing. Before she had a chance to back out, she punched in Mark's code. It was only 19:00 hours on the coast, so she knew she wouldn't wake him, but he was taking so long to answer; it wasn't like him. Maybe he wasn't home. She was reaching for the deactivation button as his image came onto the screen.
"Hello?" he asked. "Kath? My, God, is that you?"
Kathryn cleared her throat. "Yes, Mark. It's me." She was nervously fiddling with the PADDs on her desk, unsure of her next words.
"Where are you?"
"In space, I'd tell you the sector but it probably wouldn't mean anything to you anyway." She wasn't trying to be condescending, it was the truth; spacial coordinates had never meant a thing to Mark. He knew where Vulcan, Rigel and Risa were in relation to Earth, but that was about the extent of his knowledge of the quadrant.
"In space? What's wrong? You've never called me when you were on a mission before!"
"I know, and I'm thinking this was a bad idea now. I'm really sorry I bothered you, Mark." Kathryn was about to end the transmission, but he stopped her.
"Kath! Wait! It's okay! I'm just so surprised, that's all! Now, what's wrong? You wouldn't have called if it hadn't been something important."
"It is, to me anyway," she said in a quiet voice, unable to meet his eyes. In a slightly stronger voice she continued. "Mark, I have no right to ask this of you, after all I've put you through, I'm surprised your still speaking to me."
"Kath, before anything, we were friends. I'd like to think we still are." His words caused her to look up.
"Mark, I don't deserve that kind of devotion, that kind of loyalty."
"Of course you do. Everyone does. Now. What's got you so worked up that you can't sleep?"
Kathryn looked down and plucked at her pajama top realizing he'd seen her attire and hadn't become clairvoyant.
"It's Chakotay," she said, watching to see his reaction to her words. His features didn't register any surprise.
"I figured as much; you look like hell."
"Thanks. I knew I could count on you to make me feel better," she replied dryly.
"So what happened? He's not hurt, or. . ."
"No! It's nothing like that! Mark, I shouldn't be telling you this, especially since you're a civilian, but you're not *exactly* just a civilian, since you've worked for Starfleet on occasion. I know you won't say anything to anyone and. . ."
"Enough excuses. You know what ever you say will go no further, now, what *is* it? Out with it Kath."
Kathryn took a deep breath and told him everything, not stopping for fear she'd lose her nerve. When she'd finished, she sat back in her chair and said, "Well?"
"Whoa, you don't go for anything half-way, do you?"
Kathryn smiled at his comment. His "all-or-nothing Kath" he called her on occasion. Well, it was true.
"I can see where this is a real problem for you; I know what Starfleet means to you. What your oath to them means. It's as if he's spit in the face of your religion."
"Yes, that's it exactly," she said. She hadn't thought of the comparison before, but that's exactly how she felt; that he'd taken everything she held scared and crushed it into the dirt. "So how do I reconcile what my emotions are telling me with what my oath to the 'Fleet is telling me?"
"You're the only one who can decide that, Kath. I think you knew that even before you called me."
"I guess I did. But what do I do? Am I being too rigid, embracing Starfleet tenets as if they were gospel?"
Well, I don't know if any organization can expect *total* compliance with all their policies. There's got to be some flexibility. What it comes down to is what's going to be harder for you to live with: A life without Chakotay in it, or a life where Starfleet isn't the center of your beliefs. You've witnesses how fickle Starfleet can be and Chakotay's given you reason to doubt as well. Do you trust him to be faithful now?"
"I'm not sure. I suppose that's my greatest fear; that the next cause will come along and he'll leave me again." <> "Kathryn, this is never something I envisioned myself saying to you, and I'll probably kick myself in the morning for defending the guy, but that's the price I pay for continuing to care about you."
Kathryn looked at the man on her screen. He wasn't the same man she'd seen months ago at *Voyager's* send-off. He'd re-gained the weight he'd lost, the dark circles beneath his eyes were gone. He seemed to have found peace again. She envied that peace.
"Kath," Mark continued. "I've never seen two people who belonged together more than you."
Kathryn started to protest, but Mark held up his hand and said, "let me finish. What I saw that night at the party was such an exchange of love between the two of you, I almost felt ill. It was at that moment I knew I'd lost you for good, if indeed I'd ever *had* you. I know he loves you more than life itself, Kath. He didn't have to tell me, I *saw* it. The man doesn't just show it on his face, he emanates it. You gather your strength from each other, and without the other, you're incomplete. Is this making *any* sense?"
"More than you know," she said, wiping at a stray tear that had escaped her eye. What had she ever done to deserve such love from both these men?
"I'll give you one more thing to think about as long as I'm playing the Devil's advocate. What would you have done if the situation had been reversed? If some outside force would have been threatening your mom and Phoebe? Or your crew? Would you have just stood by, doing nothing because of your *duty* to Starfleet? I don't think you would have stood idly by any more than Chakotay did."
Kathryn nodded, her eyes held a far-away look as she contemplated Mark's last words.
"I should go now," she told him. Nechayev's already going to be upset that I used this channel for a private matter."
"Screw Starfleet," Mark said with a smile. She matched it with a grin of her own.
"Thanks, Mark. It tales a lot of compassion to send me to another man."
"Either that or some severe psychological problems. Oh, Kath, before you go, After Molly had her puppies, the kennel called, saying you hadn't been in touch. They didn't know if you wanted to keep all the puppies or not; they weren't sure what to do with them all. I hope you don't mind, but I brought them over to my house."
"All of them? How many did she have?"
"Seven."
"Seven! And you took them all?"
"I'm saving them for when you get back. Is that okay?"
"Don't ask me! You're the one who's being over-run with dogs! Do you mind watching them a little longer?"
"Of course not. Maybe you'll let me keep one? There's this tiny little thing I've named Katie for you; I've really grown attached to her."
"Oh, Mark," Kathryn sighed. "Mom was right. I didn't know what I gave up."
"Didn't give up, just moved on. I'm still here for you. Take care, Kath."
Kathryn mouthed the words "thank you" to him once more and closed the channel. Leaning back in her chair she felt a few tears escape her eyes and trickle into her hair. For a few moments all she thought of was the path the tears were slowly taking, the sensation of them tickling her ears.
Mark had given her a lot to think about; there was no way she was going to get anymore sleep tonight. Quickly dressing in her one off-duty outfit, she slipped on a comfortable pair of shoes and headed for the Holodeck. She needed a quiet place to sort out her feelings and Lake George always seemed to provide her with the answers she needed.
*********
Chakotay couldn't sleep. He was still going round and round with himself over the choices he'd made in the last 72 hours. Had he done the right thing by switching sides again? Neither side had been completely honest with him; using him for their own purposes. Starfleet did have one advantage though: Kathryn. For the first time in weeks he was feeling optimistic. At least she was no longer openly hostile to him.
He'd wandered around the small cabin's confines so many times, he was beginning to feel dizzy. He couldn't complain about the room, though. It certainly was an improvement over the Brig. He never realized how spacious his original quarters were until he was assigned a crewman's cabin on Deck 7. At least it was private; most crewman had to share this space. Chakotay figured it wasn't Cavit's intention to make him more comfortable, rather he was keeping impressionable young minds away from subversion. What ever the First Officer's original intent, Chakotay was thankful for the quiet.
He hadn't been restricted to quarters, so he decided to take a stroll through the ship, instead of wearing a hole in the cabin's new carpet. Chakotay knew he wasn't allowed access to any of the functional departments on the ship, but the recreational area's weren't off limits. Avoiding the sneering stares of the occasional crewmen he passed in the corridors, Chakotay entered the turbolift and requested Deck 6.
In a matter of seconds he was deposited near the Holodecks. The last time he'd been here had been the night of the party and the quiet hallway that was before him now hardly resembled the same ship. Perhaps it was just his perspective. That night, he was onboard as the First Officer, tonight he was a "Starfleet observer," which was a fancy way of saying he was a nobody. A prisoner granted a special dispensation.
Chakotay noticed the first Holodeck was empty and started for it, when out of curiosity he asked the computer what program was playing on the second deck. There was no privacy lock, so he assumed it was a public program.
"Computer, what program is running on Holodeck 2?" he asked.
"'Lake George' is currently running on Holodeck 2." Chakotay smiled. He didn't have to ask who was inside.
*********