********
In the days that followed, Chakotay noticed a coolness to Kathryn he hadn't seen before. Five short hours had separated their dinner from their return to the office, but it might as well have been a millennium. She didn't actually bristle when he called her by her name, but she seemed more comfortable with her title. Sensing her need to work alone, he coordinated his efforts with Harry in the outer office, doing his best to avoid her. When the following two days produced more of the same, he couldn't take it any more and confronted her over their morning briefing.
"Kathryn, we need to talk."
"We are talking," she said, being purposefully obtuse.
"You know what I mean," he said, getting up from his chair across from her and pacing the room. Gazing out the windows, he saw fog hanging over the ocean, a perfect backdrop for his emotions. "Three days ago we were friends, had a great time over dinner, and now this. What happened?"
Chakotay hadn't minced words. She knew it was going to come to this sooner or later and dreaded it. Now, the moment had arrived.
"I had a good time too," she confessed.
What she couldn't tell him was how she had returned to her house, memories replaying the evening in her mind. How her thoughts kept coming back to him. The way he looked at her, the way he smiled, how he made her feel more alive than she'd felt in ages, and how guilty she felt lying in a bed she and Mark had made love in. She couldn't sleep in that bed. Moving out to her living room sofa, she still was denied sleep. She realized then, things had to stop. There could be no more "casual" dinners, no working lunches. If she couldn't work with him on a professional level at Headquarters, how would she ever maintain the decorum necessary to effectively run a Starship? He would be hurt by her decision to steer things back to a more formal level, but some things couldn't be helped.
Her new resolve was reflected in her physical appearance as well. Her new hairstyle spoke volumes. Tied in a tight knot on the back of her head, her hair blatantly stated she was off-limits. The thing was, it was hard to keep the walls up. She saw Chakotay's confusion at her turnaround, and it hurt her as much as him to be acting in such a cold manner. She missed the teasing banter that had become the staple of their days.
She wasn't stupid. She knew what his secret and not so secret looks meant. He had feelings for her that weren't appropriate for a Commander for his Captain or toward an engaged woman. Perhaps they should discuss a transfer. It would be easier if she didn't see him on a daily basis, didn't work with him so closely. Maybe then they could be the friends it was socially acceptable to be. But she couldn't take *Voyager* away from him. If she requested a transfer, Nechayev would certainly take it as an indication he wasn't up to the challenge of being *Voyager's* First Officer, and Kathryn knew, without a doubt, he was the best man for the job.
"If you had such a 'good time,'" he asked, bringing her thoughts back to their present discussion, "then why the cold shoulder now?"
"I'm not sure what you mean," she said, calmly. She hadn't been this coy when she was a girl, and the image didn't fit her.
"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" Chakotay shouted, slamming his palms on her desk, causing her to rise out of her seat, a dangerous look on her face.
"I think you'd better rethink your tone, *Commander*."
"Don't go pulling rank on me, Kathryn," he said, lowering his voice, aware that Ensign Kim had probably been privy to their exchange. "This has nothing to do with this office, or with Starfleet. It has to do with what happened the other night, and I don't think anything actually *did* happen. Or did I miss something?"
He was trying to coerce a confession from her, get her to admit she *had* felt something beginning to stir within her, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
"Believe it or not, Commander, you're not as irresistible as you may think."
He couldn't help but smile at her choice of words, softening some of the tension surrounding them. "I don't think I'm 'irresistible,'" he said. "If I were, you wouldn't have left that night."
There it was. Laid on the table as it were. The unspoken invitation he hadn't offered and she hadn't accepted, but that didn't mean it hadn't existed. She'd tried to explain it away a hundred different ways, but what it came down to, simply, was they were attracted to each other. Regardless of Starfleet, rank, and yes, Mark. But that didn't mean she had to act upon it. She *couldn't* act upon it, for those same reasons. Surely she didn't have to explain this to him?
"I'm going to marry Mark," she stated unnecessarily. "That's all that matters."
"You sound like it's a sentence," he said.
"You have *no* right to question my actions," she answered, he voice hoarse with controlled anger.
"No, but just because you've committed yourself to Mark doesn't mean you can deny what's starting to happen with us." He stopped his pacing, and ran a hand through his short hair. "I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have said that. I really don't mean to complicate your life any more than it already is. I just miss the woman you were before you adopted the 'bun of steel.' Isn't there some way we can get back to that?"
Kathryn's icy reserve began to melt. "I'd like that too. I miss working *with* you."
"Then let's work together. I promise, I won't come any closer that you're willing to let me. Let's just leave 'Captain Janeway' outside that door, shall we?"
They hadn't actually solved anything, but some of the barriers had become to come down.
*********
That night Kathryn greeted Mark with a passion that had he hadn't seen since the beginning of their relationship. Lying in bed he asked,
"Don't think I'm not grateful," he started, "but where did *that* come from?"
Nuzzling his neck Kathryn kissed an especially sensitive spot. "No where," she lied to him for the first time. "I just realized how much I loved you, and I don't want to lose you."
"Lose me? Good God, Kath! I'm the one bugging *you* about getting married!"
"Let's set a date," she said impulsively.
"What, now?"
"Sure now, why not?"
"It just seems awful sudden in light of how you've been acting lately. Are you sure nothing's wrong?" not quite buying her sudden interest in matrimony.
"Nothing that marring you won't fix," she answered, moving her mouth down his chest to lick his nipples. She knew it was a particularly pleasurable sensation for him, and she wanted to make him happy. She needed to make him happy. Then Chakotay would go away, and leave her thoughts. She would show Mark she really *did* love him, and her relationship with Chakotay was purely platonic. She knew if she told herself long enough, chanted it like a mantra, eventually she'd believe it.
*********
The following morning Chakotay way gratified to see the return of the "old" Kathryn. Her hair was caught at her neck in a simple pony tail, and some of the conflict he'd read in her eyes yesterday, seemed to have vanished. About to question her as to her renewed state, Harry interrupted them, a PADD clasped tightly in his hand.
"Excuse me, Captain, Sir. This just arrived from Admiral Nechayev's office. They said it was urgent."
Janeway took the data pad from excited Ensign and perused it's contents. "It's from Tuvok," she informed Chakotay, then dismissed Harry. When they were alone she handed him the PADD and let him read the short message. It was directions to a secluded place on Dorvan V where Tuvok wished to rendezvous to discuss Maquis plans and troop movements he thought were too sensitive to send over subspace.
"I know this place," Chakotay said, eyeing the coordinates. It's a sacred place among my people. He must have chosen it because of it's seclusion. It's quite a hike, and likely we wouldn't be followed."
She wandered around their office, hand poised before her mouth as she quickly made plans. "We could say there's been something of a family emergency, and you need to return home. That would get us to Dorvan," she reasoned. Once we we're there, you could pretend to be 'showing me the sights' and we could meet up with Tuvok."
"'We,' Captain? Don't you think it would be better if I went alone? This could be dangerous if we're discovered. I don't think the Maquis would take to kindly to information about their movements being leaked to the Federation."
"All the more reason you shouldn't go alone. And Nechayev has stressed that she and only the three of us have access to this information. There's no one else *to* go."
"There's Harry," Chakotay suggested.
"Forgive me, Commander. but this is a rather delicate situation. I don't think it's the kind of mission on which to field-test a green Ensign."
Chakotay agreed with her, and truth be told, he'd rather have her company for any number of reasons, but he didn't like the thought of her in such a risky position. He knew risk came with the territory in Starfleet, but that didn't mean he wanted to be a party to endangering her.
"I guess I can't convince you otherwise, can I?"
"That's why I'm the Captain," she said with a smile. "When can you be ready to go?"
"I probably need about an hour. How about you?"
"I'd say about the same. I'd like to contact Mark, just tell him I'm leaving on a mission. He 's used to my disappearing on short notice, but I'd at least like to say 'good-bye.' Oh, and don't forget to pack civilian clothes, we're supposed to be visiting your family, remember?"
"Right. I'll meet you back here in an hour."
After some quick instructions to Harry, Chakotay left to gather what he needed for the journey. Try as he might, he couldn't quite get over his excitement for the upcoming mission. A chance to be in space again, and Kathryn at his side, for however long this took. It couldn't have been a better start to his day.
*********
If the morning had started out on a positive note, then the afternoon was definitely off-key. Kathryn sat in the co-pilot's seat of the shuttle, trusting the flight to him. She was an able pilot, but didn't have the same passion for flying as some did. Chakotay was obviously one of them. He was almost as eager to fly the runabout, as Tom Paris would have been, had he been chosen for the mission. Once their course was laid in, Kathryn busied herself around the cabin of the ship by going over the checklist, once again, even though it had been thoroughly checked twice before they'd taken off.
"Relax," Chakotay admonished her. We've got a long flight ahead of us, and you'll wear a hole through the floor." He knew it wasn't possible, of course, but her pacing was distracting him. "Why don't you get yourself some coffee and join me up here?"
She smiled at his suggestion. "I think you know me just a little too well, Commander." She retook her seat and handed him a cup as well.
"It's going to be a long flight," she said by way of explanation.
"You know, I think this stuff is starting to grow on me. You're a bad influence, Kathryn." He'd purposely used her name to bring the conversation back to a personal level. Preparing for their journey, she'd slid into her "Captain's mode," and had taken to referring to him as "Commander," again.
"Did you get a chance to say good-bye to Mark?" He asked as he blew on the hot liquid in the mug.
"Yes," she said, drawing her knees up and settling into a more comfortable, very unprofessional pose. "He wished us luck."
Chakotay smiled. "I hope we're not going to need it."
Kathryn was pensive as she tried to decide how to drop the next bit of information on him. She didn't really owe him any explanations, but he *was* her friend, and she wanted to share her news with him, even though it wasn't something he was going to want to hear. Trying for non-chalance, she simply stated,.
"We've set a date. For the wedding," she clarified.
Chakotay tried not to spill his coffee as her words registered with him. So. It was official. It seemed so final that he felt as if someone had twisted a knife in his gut. He knew it was inevitable. After all, she and Mark were engaged, had a history, before he'd met her. He hadn't really expected her to toss all that aside because he'd given her a few longing looks? He knew he was being unreasonable, but why did it hurt so much? The worst part was, he liked Mark. He was sure if they had met under different circumstances, they might have been great friends. Chakotay didn't have a lot of friends. He had acquaintances among the crews he'd served with, but no lasting relationships with anyone he could think of. Maybe that's why his relationship with Kathryn had rocked him so. He just didn't get close to people, and her easy acceptance was like throwing him a lifeline. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed having someone close to confide in, until she'd shown him how safe, and comforting it could be.
Kathryn watched the emotions cross his face. Disappointment, hurt, and finally what she hoped was acceptance. She hadn't meant to hurt him, but obviously, she had. Of course she'd been aware of his infatuation, and decided her own feelings towards him were of a similar nature, but that was all. He was new. A novelty, after years of being with the same man. Her attraction to him had been natural, she reasoned. Still, it was time to put away her fantasies and uphold the promise she had made to Mark.
"Congratulations," he finally whispered. Speaking a little louder he asked, "when is it to be?"
"In April. The twenty-third. You're invited of course."
"I. . . " he started, then amended, "Thank you. Three months. Is that enough time to get ready?"
It's going to be very small, just my family, his, a few friends, so yes. It'll be plenty of time."
"I am surprised, with things coming to head with the Maquis that you'd choose this time." He suspected the real reason she had set the date. It wasn't surprising it was the same night they'd had their argument. She was afraid. Afraid she felt the same pull he did. She'd hidden from him behind her engagement, and now her wedding.
"I wanted it to be before I took over *Voyager*. Like Owen said, there will never be a good time."
"No, there won't."
Kathryn heard his words, but didn't believe he was agreeing with her, his tone implying a hint of anger. As if he were trying to tell her she was making a mistake. *Had* he implied that? Or was she just looking for justification for her own doubts?
The tension in the cabin had grown tangible. She couldn't have this between them, not starting a precarious mission, but she didn't know what to do to alleviate the situation.
"It's not like I didn't know this was coming," Chakotay finally said, staring at the console as if it were suddenly the most interesting thing he'd seen. "Practically the first thing I learned about you at our initial briefing, was you were engaged. It could hardly be called a surprise." He paused for a moment, then looked her straight in the eyes.
"But tell me this, Kathryn. Why last night? Why the sudden attack of conscience? Other than the disagreement we had, I don't see what's made any big impact on your life that you felt you suddenly had to set a date. You're scared, aren't you? You're feeling the same things I am, this unbelievable instant attraction, and it's scaring the hell out of you, isn't it?"
She started to mouth a denial, but the words wouldn't come. He was right. She *was* scared. Overwhelmed, confused and a hundred different emotions she didn't dare name.
"I don't know what to say," she managed, barely audible. She dropped her eyes from his probing gaze. She couldn't look at him right now, to have him see her soul. To be perfectly honest, she didn't know what she was feeling. This "thing," whatever it was, was too new to put a name to. She couldn't call it love. It wasn't, and she knew that. But it could be, in time. And that's the reason she had nearly begged Mark to set a date, and to make it soon.
"At least don't deny it. Don't lie to yourself about the reason you're marrying him."
"I'm marrying him, because I love him!" she stated vehemently, her eyes now boring into his. Chakotay sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This isn't what he was trying to get across to her.
"I'm not saying you don't have feelings for him," he said, giving her stare back with equal measure. "What I'm saying is there's something happening between us as well. Just don't pretend it isn't there!"
"And what good will that do? Chakotay, regardless of .. .of whatever this *is*, I'm going to marry him. What good will it do either one of us to dwell on. . .on. . . ."
"What might have been?" he supplied.
"Yes," she added quietly.
"You're not married. Yet."
"What are you saying?" she asked, not sure she wanted to hear his answer.
"Just that you should give yourself some time," he said. *And me a chance*, he thought. "To make sure you're going ahead with the wedding for the right reasons, and not to run away from me."
"Even if I did push the date back, as you suggest," she said, toying with her coffee cup, that doesn't mean. . . ."
"I know. I want you to be happy, Kathryn. Don't marry him like this. You deserve better. An frankly, so does he." She was taken aback at his last statement, but he was right. Mark didn't deserve less than her total commitment to him, and if she couldn't give him that, whatever the reasons, she shouldn't be marrying him.
"I'll think about what you've said," she answered him, rising to enter the rear of the shuttle. Suddenly it seemed vitally important that she check the plasma relays.
*********
The runabout docked at the only space port on Dorvan V, three kilometers from the village of Kiridan. There were no transport facilities, which surprised Kathryn.
"I told you Dorvan was backward," he said with a smile, helping her with her bag. "Welcome to the nineteenth century."
"It's kind of quaint," she said, relieving him of her luggage.
"I doubt you'll feel that way after walking in this heat, lugging a bag," he returned.
"You seem embarrassed by this," she said. "How come?"
"You've told me yourself. You're a child of the twenty-fourth century. I guess I am too, and all this denial of the existence of technology seems ridiculous. When it suits them, they're more than willing to embrace it. Like the *Akoonah*."
"The what?" She asked, shading her eyes and looking around the space port. For a non-descript, simplistic culture, there seemed to be quite a few ships arriving and departing.
"The *Akoonah*," he stated again. "It's a device used to induce a dream-like state. My people use it to meditate. My point is, they won't allow shuttles into the village, but they can use a piece of sophisticated technology to communicate with the spirits. It just seems hypocritical."
"Maybe they're trying to take the best of both worlds," she tried to rationalize, as she continued her survey of the port. "Commander, doesn't it seem there's an unusual amount of traffic for the size of the planet, and, as you put it, the 'backward' nature of Dorvan?"
"You're right. I don't think there's this much traffic in an entire growing cycle, let alone in one day." Kathryn was amused how Chakotay had unconsciously slipped into his People's terminology, once he was on home soil. She didn't bring it to his attention, for fear he would make an effort to stop, and she found it rather charming.
"I guess we better start that hike, Commander," Janeway said with a smile.
"I think we better drop the 'Captain' and 'Commander' routine while we're here. That's why we left the uniforms in the runabout, and opted for civilian clothes, right? We're here for me to show you some of the sights and get some R and R before we take command of *Voyager*. That is the cover story we agreed on."
"It seems rather transparent, but I suppose its the best we can do for now." She said, removing her comm badge. He did the same, tucking it into a pocket of his pants.
"You're right, it is simple, but that way we can't mess up our lines," he smiled.
As they walked towards Kiridan, Chakotay pointed out landmarks Kathryn remembered from the stories of his youth. She relaxed as they talked of the boy he had been. This was a side to him she hadn't seen before, and Kathryn was enthralled. He may try to deny his connection to this world, but it was as much a part of him as Starfleet, maybe even more. He just chose to ignore it, and she wondered why.
Of course she'd yet to meet his family, and she had to admit being slightly nervous about it. It wasn't like he was "bringing her home to meet the folks," but that's almost the way she felt, as if she were here to win their approval. She hoped she'd receive it, whether it made any difference to their mission or not. Maybe by accepting her, his family would be closer to accepting Chakotay's allegiance to Starfleet.
He told her his father was a farmer by trade, but also one of the spiritual leaders of the Band as well.
"So *that's* why you have such a thing about your people's beliefs," she said, realization dawning on her. "You're a 'preacher's kid!'"
"A what?"
"Preacher's kid," she told him again. "You know, they always tried to raise hell at school, so the rest of the kids didn't think they were 'holy roller's' like their parents. Your father probably has this deep spirituality, and because of it, people expected you to have it too. Am I right?"
Chakotay was amazed she had seen the struggle he'd had all his life, so clearly. "Yes," he simply said.
"Chakotay, there's no reason to feel bad about not going into the 'family business!' It would have been worse for everyone if you had! Pretending you're something you're not is the biggest crime you could commit! Not only to yourself, but your family as well."
Chakotay thought about her words and wondered if she heard them in regards to herself. Wasn't pretending she wanted to marry Mark the same thing? Wasn't she committing a crime against herself in denying her feelings for him? He wanted to tell her, but knew she'd be unresponsive. She'd proven that on the ship when she managed to avoid him for the rest of the flight.
"You're right," he said, deciding to keep his thoughts to himself. "I try to tell myself that, but when ever I'm back here, I feel all the old pressures. The reason I left Dorvan in the first place." Kathryn linked her arm with his.
"It's different this time, you came to show me the sights, and your family will be too polite to bring up any references to your choices."
Chakotay let out a snort. "You don't know my father," he said.
"I don't know that he can be all that different from his son," she tried to reassure him.
"You'd be surprised."
Kathryn continued to walk beside him, her arm linked with his. Whether she was aware of it or not, Chakotay reveled in her closeness. He felt almost lightheaded as they entered the village, wishing some of his childhood friends would have been present to see him enter Kiridan with her. They would have been envious. As envious as he had been the night of the Starfleet gala, seeing her enter the room with Mark.
"Does your family live in town?" Kathryn asked, bringing his thoughts back to reality. Yes, most everyone does. The fields are on the western side of the village and farming is a cooperative effort. It works surprisingly well," he said.
"Why do you say that? Co-ops are often the best way to do things, and the sharing of resources brings a community together."
"I suppose it has done that for them, but it has a tendency to take away individuality as well. In some ways they remind me of the Borg. Single-minded in their goals. There's my mother's house," he said, purposely dropping the subject.
The building he pointed out was well kept and had a small flower garden as well as window boxes and hanging planters overflowing with plants. It was a very inviting structure and Kathryn said,
"Doesn't remind me of a Borg cube at all!" She remembered Chakotay telling her how property was passed down among the women of the Band, and the house, therefore, was his mother's.
"I'm going to have to take you home to Indiana after this," she said. You'd love Mom's house."
"I'd like to see where you grew up, see the land that spawned Captain Janeway!"
She laughed and punched him in the arm as a short, slightly plump woman exited the cheery adobe dwelling.
"Touca!" She cried as Chakotay swept the woman up into a bear hug.
"*Ina*! It is good to see you!" He quickly slipped into his native language, leaving Kathryn feeling almost intrusive at the family reunion. She knew she could replace her comm badge to access her universal translator, but didn't want to intrude on their moment. Besides, she wanted to downplay her role as a Starfleet Captain. Chakotay's family was well aware of who she was, and she didn't want to flash any signs of Starfleet she didn't have to.
Slipping back into Federation Standard, Chakotay said, "Kathryn, I'd like you to meet my mother, Petala. *Ina*, this is Kathryn Janeway."
Petala didn't miss the look on her son's face as he introduced the woman, and the way his voice caressed her name. The look was there only for mere seconds, but it had been long enough for a mother. Her son loved this woman. That, in itself, was reason enough to welcome her into her home. She wasn't sure if the woman before her returned Chakotay's feelings. She'd have to watch them together before she could make that determination.
"Welcome to Dorvan and Kiridan," Petala greeted her warmly in Standard as well, and Kathryn was relieved she wouldn't be left out of all the conversation.
"Thank you, Petala. You have a beautiful home," she said, running her eyes over the exterior of the dwelling.
"Thank you, but you must come inside, see the rest, and get out of this heat. Where are your manners, Touca, to leave a woman this fair out in the sun?" She playfully chastised her son.
As she stepped across the threshold, Kathryn mouthed: "Touca?" at Chakotay.
Leaning over to whisper in her ear, he said, "I'll explain later."