The interior of the house was surprisingly cool and until she was out of the sun and heat, she hadn't realized how fatigued she'd become. Petala offered her a seat at the kitchen table and placed glasses and a pitcher before her.
"Would you care for some ice tea, Kathryn?"
"Yes, that would be wonderful, thank you."
Petala poured one for her self and Chakotay as well. Sitting in the small kitchen, Kathryn was reminded of Chakotay's tale of his Aunt Naya. She tried to keep the smile off her face as Chakotay took a seat opposite her. He didn't have to wonder what was causing her such a struggle, and suddenly wished he hadn't told her the story so close to taking this trip.
"You find something amusing?" Petala asked her guest.
"I'm sorry, Petala. I was just remembering a story Chakotay told me about a certain visit of his Aunt Naya's." She stole a look at him, squirming uncomfortably in his seat. His warning look did nothing to deter her from discussing the event with his mother.
Petala gave a short laugh. "He certainly must trust you, to reveal *that* particular tale. I didn't know you'd ever mentioned it to anyone outside the family."
Chakotay was blushing at her audacity, but fortunately, he was already flushed from their walk to the village. "I used to trust her, now I'm not so sure!"
Continuing in her efforts to tease him, Kathryn asked, "Tell me, Petala, what does 'Touca' mean?"
Chakotay didn't settle for a look to silence her this time. "*Ina*, I don't think. . ."
"Nonsense, Chakotay. There's nothing inappropriate about this story, certainly not as bad as your tale of Naya's!"
Petala turned to Kathryn and told her, "in our language, it means 'Pudgy Bear.'"
"Pudgy Bear?" Kathryn barley managed to squeak out, overcome by near hysterical laughter.
"Yes, his older sister, Kinma, called him that since he was a baby. The name just sort of stuck," Petala said, stealing a glance at her thoroughly mortified son. "Oh stop it, Chakotay, everyone has family nick-names. Yours is no worse than the rest."
"But I don't tell them to everyone who stops by!" he protested.
"You yourself told me Kathryn is your friend. I think you can trust her with this knowledge."
Kathryn was too busy wiping her eyes to notice that Chakotay had managed to give his mother a small smile, letting her know he wasn't really angry with her.
"Cut your mother some slack, Commander Pudgy Bear," she said, overcome by a fresh wave of laughter.
"You'll have to forgive her, *Ina*, it's been a long day, and the walk in the sun has made her punchy."
"Perhaps you'd like to rest before dinner?" Petala suggested.
"Thank you. I'd appreciate that," Kathryn said, regaining her composure.
"Chakotay will show you to where you can lie down." Petala stood and cleared the table as her son led her down a hallway. She liked this Kathryn, she decided. She would rather Chakotay had chosen someone from the village to fall in love with, but since that was not likely to happen, Petala was pleased with his choice.
"I'm sorry, Chakotay," Kathryn said as she sat on the low bed "I didn't mean to be so rude." He could tell another round of hysterics was close to the surface. He couldn't help but smile at her.
"It's all right, so long as you don't end up blackmailing me with this new-found knowledge."
"Would *I* do that, Touca?" She laughed again. Chakotay grabbed her wrists and quickly pinned her to the bed. He was used to the playful wrestling he had always engaged in with his sisters, and momentarily forgot who he was dealing with, until she lay beneath him, suddenly silent. Their eyes locked for a moment, as he noticed a blush beginning to creep up her cheeks. At that moment, he realized his face was probably echoing the action.
"I'm sorry, Kathryn," he said, releasing her. I forgot for a moment you weren't my sister, Lakita. She's a terrible tease, and I guess being in this room, and everything, I just forgot."
Kathryn sat up on the bed, suddenly sober. "It's okay. I shouldn't have been harassing you so much. Maybe it would be best if I took a nap," she hinted.
Nodding, Chakotay rose off the bed, giving her one last apologetic look.
"It's okay," she reassured him, as he left the room.
As tired as she was, Kathryn couldn't find sleep. She had been surprised by Chakotay's action, but she wasn't angry. In fact, for those few seconds that their eyes had locked, she didn't know what she felt. All she knew was she wished the fluttery feeling in her stomach would go away. It had to be the combination of the heat and her fatigue, she decided, rolling over to try and rest.
Chakotay went out into his mother's small flower garden in the back of the house. It had been a favorite spot of his growing up. It was quiet, and usually he wasn't disturbed while he sat there. It was sort of an unofficial sacred place for his family. A place they usually retreated to when they wished to block out their problems and find answers among their ancestors. Chakotay had never heard the voices of his ancestors as his family, especially his sister, Naya, did. But he had felt the peace the garden seemed to grow, along with the blossoms.
What had passed between him and Kathryn just now? He was honest when he told her he'd momentarily forgotten who she was. Her teasing brought out an almost instinctual response to her taunts, and before he knew it, she was laying beneath him, and he straddling her, about to issue an ultimatum for surrender. But it wasn't the same kind of surrender he tried to elicit from his sister on the occasions they had wrestled as children, he realized. If she hadn't looked so shocked, he might have kissed her; taken what he wanted to so badly.
Here in his mother's garden he knew there could be no secrets. Especially not with himself. He'd been skirting acknowledging what it was he truly felt for Kathryn. He tried to pass it off on professional respect, impressed with the confident way she handled herself in the office. Admiration for her intelligence and cunning. It was that, but it was also so much more. He knew he felt a pull towards her, ever since that first handshake and his eyes meeting hers, but he'd never actually put a name to what he was feeling. Now the word was pushing at his brain, from all sides, daring him to deny it: He loved her.
But how was that possible when he knew so little, and yet everything about her? If he hadn't sensed some response, on some level from her, he probably could have passed it off as the infatuation he had initially called this feeling. But there was something in her gaze as well. She may renounce what she felt, hiding behind Mark, but it was there, and he had to convince her it was there, before she ruined her life. And his. And quite possibly, Mark's as well.
*********
Kathryn felt fingers on her face. Someone brushing back her hair and calling her name.
"Mark?" she questioned, her eyes starting to focus.
Chakotay withdrew his hand as if he'd been burned. *Of course she would call out his name*, he thought. Just because he had experienced an epiphany in the garden, didn't mean she had. But hearing her call out Mark's name was like getting a phaser blast to the stomach at close range.
"It's Chakotay," he said. "You're at my Mother's, remember?"
As the fog of sleep dissipated, Kathryn began to recall lying down in the unfamiliar room. She must not have slept long, hence her continued confusion. Short spells of sleep left her disoriented and she stared at him, almost without recognition.
"Are you all right?" he asked, noting her glazed look.
"Fine." She managed, blinking her eyes several times to clear her head. A few more seconds and she had a grasp on reality. "I must have just drifted off, I don't even remember sleeping."
Chakotay gave her a few more moments then said, "*Ina* asked me to come get you. She says dinner's ready."
"Thank you," she said, rising on shaky legs. She almost fell over onto Chakotay, but he buoyed her up, setting her on her feet. "I believe we're even," she said.
"What?"
"We're even. From the night of the dance? You said your life belongs to me because I rescued you? Well, now we're even. Thanks for saving my life."
"It's not quite that simple," he said, serious. "My life still belongs to you." Kathryn became uncomfortable again with the direction his conversation was taking. She had hoped the nap would have dispelled this mood. Being with other people would break the intimacy he had created, and she suddenly found she couldn't wait to rejoin Petala in the kitchen.
"Here she is," Petala said, as Kathryn walked down the hallway, Chakotay behind her. She tried not to think about his hand resting on the small of her back, as if he were leading her once again. Clustered around the kitchen table were several people she hadn't met. Petala returned to her meal, leaving Chakotay to make the introductions. His older sister, Kinma and her two boys. Younger sister Naya, named for the aunt, he told her, and her son and daughter. And Lakita, the sister he had called her as he held her pinned to the bed. She was much younger than her three other siblings, and Kathryn could see the precocious little sister she must have been reflected in her eyes.
"As soon as Kolopak gets home, we will be able to begin," Petala informed them. Of course her family was aware of this, and the announcement had been for Kathryn's benefit. Chakotay's sisters made her feel welcome at once, and it wasn't long before she joined them in teasing their adored brother. Being the only boy in the family, he held an exalted position in their eyes, and Chakotay took full advantage of their attention. She no longer had to wonder why so many of Chakotay's stories had centered around his mother and his sisters. Their love and affection for each other was almost contagious. The mood quieted almost immediately with the entrance of an older man. Kolopak, Kathryn quickly surmised. The three older children sobered instantly, but Lakita wouldn't be deterred. She knew she had a power over their father that the others didn't posses, and she used it to try and coax him from the sour mood that was evident on his face.
"Look, *Ahtay*, Chakotay has come for a visit!" In a loud whisper, to make sure she included everyone, Lakita said, "and he has brought a woman with him!" Kathryn blushed to the roots of her hair, then stepped forward to meet Chakotay's father.
"Its a pleasure to meet you, Kolopak. I'm Kathryn Janeway." She had offered her hand which he took briefly, then released.
"*Captain* Kathryn Janeway, isn't it?"
"Why, yes, it is," she answered, a bit taken aback. No one else in Chakotay's family had deemed it necessary to point out her affiliation with Starfleet.
Kolopak looked around at the shocked, embarrassed faces of his family, and tried to amend his behavior. "Welcome to our home."
"Thank you," she said, somewhat at a loss for words. She hadn't noticed Chakotay moving closer to her in an unconscious protective gesture. For once she was grateful for his nearness, and support. She found her eyes straying to the tattoo that arched over Kolopak's left eye, the design was simple, but elegant. Until that moment, she hadn't realized she'd seen it reflected on the sisters and mother as well; the women's being a smaller version on their wrists. She wondered then about Chakotay's lack of marking. It seemed a tribal, or, at the least, a family symbol, and she was curious as to why Chakotay didn't display a similar affinity.
Chakotay noticed Kathryn's line of sight, and could almost read her thoughts. "It's our family's symbol," he whispered in her ear.
"How come. . . ."
"At the time, I refused as a sign of rebellion. Now, it just doesn't seem to matter."
"Don't you feel kind of left out?" She wondered.
"I've always been left out," he replied, but it was a statement. There was no bitterness implied.
*********
Dinner had been unusual, Kathryn decided. At times the family returned to the light mood they had before Kolopak's entrance, then suddenly the talk would turn to Cardassia and the impending war, and the mood would be broken. She hadn't really thought about how the treaty was affecting individual lives, but sitting among Chakotay's family, she had genuine evidence of what the threat of Cardassia meant on a personal level. She wondered how Chakotay managed to balance it all. Working with Starfleet to undermine what his father and other's like him were trying to achieve, and yet feeling a pull towards these people as well. It was obvious Kolopak was a member of the Maquis. His actions and opinions told her all she needed to know. Due to his position in the community, he was no doubt a leader among the resistance fighters as well.
After dinner, Kathryn found Chakotay in the garden. He was back in the same spot he had occupied earlier, but she didn't know of his previous visit. However, his thoughts were light years from where they had been before.
"Chakotay? Are you all right?" She called out quietly to the form she saw hunched on a bench.
"Huh? Oh. Yes. I'm just thinking about our rendezvous tomorrow. She knew that wasn't all he had on his mind, but she went with what he was offering her.
"Is there a problem? I mean going to a sacred place. Will it endanger the mission? Put Tuvok at risk?"
"It's an all-day hike to get there. Usually who ever goes, plans on spending the night and coming back the next day." Kathryn thought about their options. Tuvok was too valuable, both on a personal and a professional level to place in any more danger.
"We don't have any camping gear," she observed.
"We can borrow some from my family. It doesn't get too cold at this time of year, and I'm sure *Ina* will load us down with more food than we can carry." She couldn't see his face in the half-light of the moon, but she could tell he was smiling. Changing the subject she said,
"I like your mother very much. I think you take after her, at least as far as temperament goes. You look like your father."
"All except for the tattoo," he said. She heard him sigh. "You wouldn't believe the fights we've had over that."
"Having met him, I'd have to say, yes, I would. But you know, Chakotay, even though he doesn't say it, I can see he loves you. That he's proud of you. And I think you care about honoring him as well. I just hope someday you can both get past that stubborn pride you both have such an abundance of." She hadn't realized she'd placed her hand on his shoulder until his own hand covered hers. After a few moments, he picked hers up and pulled her down to sit on the bench next to him.
"He's always expected me to take up his beliefs, to follow in his footsteps," he confessed, acknowledging to another person, perhaps for the first time in his life, how much pain his decisions had caused him.
"But I couldn't do it," he continued. "I just don't hear the spirits like he does. And I did try, at one time. Maybe they realized I'm not worthy of their voices."
Kathryn started to deny what he was saying but he stopped her. "It's true," he said. "Even though I've tried to hear them, I always suspected they didn't exist, and waited for some revelation to take place to convince me. When it never came, I gave up. That's when I decided I didn't belong on Dorvan, and Starfleet was my best chance to get away. It wasn't a bad choice, I know now that I never could be satisfied as a simple farmer. But the really sad thing, is my sister, Naya *does* have the Gift, and he won't acknowledge that. The spiritual leaders of our people have always been male, usually passed down from father to son, and even though Naya is more than qualified, he won't teach her. His antiquated views won't let him. Even he knows of the strength of her spirituality and he denies it, still insisting I'm the one to take over."
"It must be incredibly frustrating for your sister, as well," Kathryn observed.
"It is, but she's found ways to compensate. The villagers will allow her to act as a Healer, just not conduct any rituals. Its a trade-off, but at least she's able to do some good." Chakotay laughed.
"I don't even know why I'm telling you all this," he said, suddenly shy at his disclosure.
"Because you needed to," she said, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him close, so their foreheads were touching. It was a gesture of comfort, and he knew that. He wouldn't over step his bounds an ask for more. For now it was good that she was there, and she understood.
*********
It was still dark when Kathryn felt Chakotay rouse her from her sleep.
"Kathryn, we have to get ready." Having been mentally prepared for their impending assignment, she was instantly awake, unlike the last time he woke her. It didn't take her long to get ready, and she soon joined him in the kitchen.
"I don't suppose your mother believes in coffee, either," she pouted, wondering how she were going to hike for eight hours without a shot of caffeine.
"As a matter of fact, she does. Just because its not my favorite, doesn't mean its not hers. Make me some while you're at it," he grinned.
"Commander, I believe your starting to show some real sense in acknowledging the tactical advantage of considering caffeine a nutritional supplement."
He laughed quietly at her oration and said, "Just hurry it up; we've got a long day ahead of us."
"It would help if there was a replicator," she groused, "I don't know if I know *how* to make it."
"Let me," he offered, knowing if he took the time to show her how to brew coffee they could put their trip off until tomorrow. "Why don't you make sure we've got everything we need, but try to remember we need to travel light. It's a long hike in the mountains."
Kathryn acknowledged him with a nod. Last night they had sorted through the offerings of his family, but she felt she could pare it down even more. All they really needed were some blankets, food and water. She chose a small selection of vegetables that could be eaten raw, if necessary, and a type of flat bread that Petala had made the night before. She had packed a med-kit in her bag, and she went to retrieve it, along with her tricorder and a PADD. It may add a little extra weight, but if something happened, they'd be grateful for the inclusions. It was really pretty bare-bones, but speed was of the essence, and they couldn't afford to be slowed down by heavy packs.
Kathryn rejoined Chakotay in the kitchen just as the coffee was finished. The aroma almost made her giddy, as she held out her hands, eagerly awaiting her first taste.
"Oh," Kathryn sighed, taking a big gulp. "I think I'll live now."
Chakotay just shook his head. "What are you going to do tomorrow? We're not going to have a coffee pot along."
"I'll worry about that then. I don't suppose we could take some beans with us and I could just chew on them?"
He couldn't tell if she were serious or not, as he wouldn't put it past her. Finishing their cups in silence, they both contributed to the clean up of Petala's kitchen, then grabbed their packs.
It was chilly in the pre-dawn, but not uncomfortable. Kathryn was dressed in a pair of dark green cotton pants, and a matching colored top, her hair in a single braid down her back. She had purposely chosen the dusky colors to blend in with the landscape. Although they weren't hiding the fact they were headed to the sacred place of Chakotay's ancestors, she didn't want to attract anymore attention than necessary by wearing brightly colored clothes. She noted that Chakotay's people seemed to prefer muted colors, and she was glad she'd made the choice she had. He was dressed in a similar fashion, but had chose brown colors.
They walked in silence. The village was still quiet, making conversation seem out of place. Without word, Chakotay indicated a path leading from Kiridan, heading towards the mountains.
Kathryn noticed how the vegetation changed as they began their assent. The scrubby almost desert-like brush quickly gave way to larger bushes, then trees. It was obvious the higher elevations received more rain, as the land turned from plains to forest.
"It's beautiful," Kathryn said for the first time since they had begun their climb. "It's nothing like where I grew up. Everything is so flat around my home."
"It *is* beautiful," Chakotay agreed. "I hadn't realized how much I've missed it, until now."
She turned to look back at him. "You don't get back very often?"
"Lately, I have," he said, remembering it had only been a short while since he had taken his leave here. "But it's usually years between visits. Most of my missions have been pretty long."
"That's got to be hard," she said. "It's obvious your family cares about you a lot. I think they miss you."
"Some of them." he allowed.
"*All* of them," she stressed. "When was the last time you were up here?" she asked, trying to steer the conversation in another direction, so they didn't get into a disagreement over his family. It was a gorgeous day, with a crystal sky, and she didn't want to ruin it with an argument over his family's feelings towards him, thinking he put on the role of out-cast, more so than his family bestowing it upon him.
"I think the last time I was here was when I tried to go on a vision quest." They had stopped to rest for a moment, and Kathryn waited for him to elaborate. Seeing the questions in her eyes, he explained.
"I wasn't going to do it. It was one more spiritual thing my father kept ramming down my throat, and I was determined *not* to have a vision. He could make me come up here, but he couldn't make me fast or see visions. So I stayed on top of the mountain for three days, eating berries I shouldn't have, and drinking water I was supposed to be denying myself. All in all, I was pretty pleased with myself, that I'd managed to out-wit my father. I lay down for a nap, more to pass the time than anything else, and I remember having this really vivid dream, unlike any I'd had before, it was so intense. I dreamt of the stars, as if I were flying through them at warp speed, without a ship. I was just moving at this incredible pace, then suddenly, I was awake. I was sitting up, and the sun was starting to set. I tried to pass it off as a day dream, but I really felt like I *had* been out among the stars, and it was still daylight, so it just didn't make sense. If it had truly been a vision from my ancestors, I was supposed to see an animal guide or something. But I saw no animals. Just the stars. It was after that I began thinking about joining Starfleet."
"Did you tell your father about your vision?"
"No," he said, looking down at his hands. "I knew he would say I had failed because I didn't see a wolf or something. So I said nothing, at least until I left for the Academy. I tried to tell him then how the Ancestors themselves approved of my choice. How they were the ones who had pointed me down this path, but he wouldn't listen. He didn't actually disown me that day, but I think he wanted to."
"I think you're being too hard on him," she said, touching his arm. "I'm sure he's never thought of disowning you, no matter how far apart you may seem."
"This whole Cardassian mess isn't helping either," he said. "It just emphasizes, yet again, how different we are in our beliefs. He never used to be the bitter man you saw last night. Oh, he was strict while we were growing up, but he used to laugh all the time. Since the conflict with Cardassia, I don't think I've heard him laugh once. The one I really feel bad for is *Ina*. She has to live with this angry shadow of the man he was. About the only one who can still get to him is Lakita. Well, you saw that last night. No one else dared say anything to him, and she just babbled on as if nothing were wrong. I wonder what they would do without her."
"I like her too," she said. "In fact I like everyone in your family. Even your father. I understand his anger; it's directed at Starfleet, and not me personally. But since I represent Starfleet. . . . Well, let's just say I understood his attitude towards me."
"You're too forgiving, Kathryn. I don't know if I could be so generous if I had received the welcome he gave you."
She looked him in the eyes, and saw a sadness that pulled at her heart. He wanted so much to be like them, and yet felt he would never truly belong. *It's no wonder he chose to embrace Starfleet*, she thought. It was a family. Often in place of lost kin, or ones that had been forfeited, as was his case.
"We better get going," he said, not wanting to persue the sensitive topic any further. "If we don't stop wasting all this time with my family problems, we'll miss the rendezvous."
Chakotay gave her a hand up, and this time, he set the pace.
*********
It was nearing sunset, the time Tuvok was supposed to arrive. Kathryn shaded her eyes against the sun's dying glare and looked for her friend. The coordinates he had provided, placed her and Chakotay in the center of a clearing, on top of the mountain they had been climbing all day. A large ring of stones circled almost the entire clearing. A medicine wheel, Chakotay had informed her. She dug the tricorder out of her pack and scanned for life signs.
"I'm still not getting any readings," she said, confused at the strange signals she was receiving.
"There is a natural dampening field, which is why I chose this spot." Kathryn whirled around to see Tuvok standing behind her. Hands clasped behind his back, almost at attention.
"Apparently your tactical skills have become a bit lax," he said by way of chastising her. "There was a time I could get nothing past you."
"It's only because you're not around to hone my skills! It's good to see you, Tuvok."
"As it is to see you. Commander Chakotay?" He asked, assuming the man before him would be the Commander.
"Yes," he said. "It's nice to finally meet you."
Tuvok passed off the introduction in typical Vulcan fashion: One eyebrow raised, punctuated by the word, "indeed." Chakotay found the exchange rather condescending, but he hadn't had much contact with Vulcans. Kathryn had, and apparently she found nothing odd in his behavior, so he chose to follow suit.
"We don't have much time," Tuvok said, hunching down and using a stick to draw figures in the dirt. "I regret I can not give you any proof other than my word that these are the facts as I know them."
"It's more than enough," Kathryn reassured him. "Go on." She had brought a PADD to enter the information he was relaying, and did her best to keep up with him.
He told them of troop movements, dates of intended military strikes, who were supplying the Maquis, and who were offering tactical support as well. Kathryn was shocked at the number of Starfleet names on the list. And many were in high places. No wonder this was such a top priority at Headquarters!
"I must go now," he stated abruptly as he stood.
"Tuvok! Wait! Is your position still secure? Do they suspect you?"
"Not at this time, Captain, but if I do not return shortly, I shall arouse suspicion."
"You should go then. Your family sends their best and to tell you that they hoped I found you in a 'satisfactory condition.'"
"You may tell them I am fine and will return to them as soon as possible. I bid you farewell. Live long and prosper."
"And you as well, my friend. Take care of yourself."
Chakotay watched the exchange between them. It was obvious Kathryn was worried about the fate of her friend; he stepped closer and put his arm around her shoulder.
"He'll be all right," he assured her.
"I know. It's just hard to watch him go, knowing he could be discovered at any moment. His life could be over in an instant." Realizing Chakotay had his arm around her, she stepped away, more uncomfortable with the fact it felt good than the fact he had placed it there.
"It's starting to get dark," he said, knowing he had over stepped his bounds again. "We should set up camp, start a fire."
"Are we going to stay here?"
"It's as good a place as any. Is this all right?"
"It's fine with me, but if this is a sacred place for your people, is it considered appropriate?" she wondered, not wanting to violate his people's customs.
"As long as we're respectful of the spirits, it will be fine."
She wanted to ask what was considered "respectful," but he wouldn't do anything wrong, so she decided to follow his lead, once again.
*********