*********
Chakotay was busy gathering wood for a fire as she unpacked food and blankets. He told her of a nearby spring where she could refill their containers, and while he got the fire started, she went looking for the water. It was so peaceful here. So quiet. About the only place she felt this content was in space, and she smiled, thinking it was this place that had brought Chakotay to the stars.
By the time she returned, he had a good size blaze burning, and she was anxious to be near its warmth. Since sunset, the temperature had dropped significantly. Standing before the fire, rubbing her arms, she said,
"I thought you said it wasn't cold this time of year."
"I guess I forgot about the elevation. It *has* been a long time since I was here last."
"Now I know why you were seeing stars," she teased, as she went for her blanket. Huddling before the campfire, trying to absorb the heat, she watched him prepare their dinner.
It was the same fare they had consumed at mid-day, and they would at breakfast and lunch tomorrow. However, tonight's meal would be hot, as he placed the vegetables on a clean rock to roast them.
"It's not fancy, but it is filling," he said, almost apologizing for the simple nature of the repast.
"It's fine. It beats Starfleet ration packs any day." She picked up a piece of bread and said, "this is *so* good. You're mother's a wonderful cook. I guess you come by it naturally."
"Yes, *Ina's* one of the best cooks in the village, but she almost has to be."
"Why's that?" Kathryn asked between bites of bread.
"As Kolopak's wife, it's her duty to prepare a lot of ceremonial meals, and if she were to dishonor my father. . . . " he let his sentence trail off, allowing her to draw the obvious conclusion.
"Your mother seems the type of woman who can handle that kind of pressure," she observed.
"In that respect, you remind me of her," he said, choosing not to elaborate.
Kathryn watched his easy movements as he tended the fire, watched the vegetables. He had such a confident, natural grace, she received pleasure just watching him move. He had eloquent hands. It was almost too bad he hadn't heard the spirits of his people; he would have made a good Healer. She shivered again and Chakotay caught the motion out of the corner of his eye.
"Are you still cold?"
"Yes," she said, a little shy. "I don't usually get cold like this."
He stood and retrieved his blanket, draping it over her shoulders as well.
"Thank you," she said, but added, "what about you? Aren't you cold?"
"Not really. Move a little closer to the fire, that should help."
The extra blanket did help, but the dampness of the forest was beginning to seep into her bones; she felt like she'd never be truly warm again. It was ridiculous, she knew, for it really wasn't all that cold, and the temperatures would soar, once more, with the return of the sun.
"Getting some food into you won't hurt either," he said, handing her a bulky vegetable, reminding her of a potato.
"Careful," he warned. "It's hot."
Kathryn took a tentative bite. It was hot and it felt wonderful. It *did* reminded her of a potato, but the slightly yellow flesh had an almost sweet taste to it.
Chakotay watched her enjoying her food. Up until now, he'd been busy preparing a fire and watching their meal bake. She was slightly disheveled from their hike, and the long day, but she never looked more beautiful, reflected in the firelight. He knew she'd scoff at him if he told her, and make some comment about "being a wreck."
How was he going to live knowing she belonged to Mark? When they took over the command of *Voyager,* how was he going to sit next to her nearly every day, and know he couldn't have her? There were plenty of women out there, and he realized he was considered attractive, so why her? Why did it have to be this woman he had to have, to make his life circle complete? But that was how he was beginning to feel. That when she married Mark, she'd be destroying a part of himself along with her vows.
Chakotay shifted uncomfortably on the hard ground. They had to talk about this. He had to make sure she knew how he felt. Maybe then it would make a difference in her decision to go ahead with her marriage. But what if it didn't? Would he accept her final word on the matter?
Kathryn watched Chakotay as he ate his own meal. It was obvious he was lost deep in thought, and she wondered what had caused such an array of emotions to cross his face. She was about to ask, when he looked up and met her eyes. There was something there, although she couldn't define it. It reminded her of the day they met in the conference room at Headquarters. The look that prompted her to wonder if they'd met somewhere before, and the day he had entered her thoughts and hadn't left.
God she was pathetic! Mark had devoted so much of his life to her, and with a single look, Chakotay had made her want to forget her commitment to him. How could she be so weak? He was just a man, like any other she worked with. Nothing special. But that was the thought that continued to plague her. He *was* special. Not that his talents as an officer couldn't be replaced by the next Commander in line, it was *him.* Everything he was, everything he believed in, the way he did things. Everything.
She grew angry with herself. How could she compare this giddy emotional roller coaster he had her on, to the kind of solid, long-lasting relationship she experienced with Mark? He was her rock. He grounded her, in more ways than one, she realized. She never had to wonder if Mark would be there for her, either emotionally or physically. Could she say the same of Chakotay?
"Are you getting any warmer?" he asked quietly, his intense gaze still on her.
"A little," she said, but her shiver gave her away.
"Don't lie, Kathryn," he said with a slight teasing tone. He rose to hand her some more of the vegetables and took a couple himself, dropping down to sit next to her. They ate the rest of their meal in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.
Chakotay watched her pull the blankets tighter around her. "This is silly," he said. "Give me one of the blankets."
"How is that going to help me warm up?" she asked, her teeth practically chattering.
"Just do it. That's an order, Captain," he teased again, his smile flashing in the firelight. Regretfully, she relinquished the blanket, and watched him drape it across his shoulders. Stepping behind her, he sat down, enfolding both of them within the material.
Kathryn started to protest, but he quickly silenced her.
"Relax. I'm just going to help you warm up." He wrapped his arms around her and felt her stiffen.
"Really, Chakotay, I don't think this is necessary; it's not anywhere near freezing, I just got a chill."
"Then I'll help you get rid of it."
*God*, she thought. There were so many ways for her to interpret that! He was silent, simply holding her, and soon she found herself gravitating towards the warmth he radiated, as if she were metal and he a magnet.
Chakotay's face was pressed into her hair and it smelled wonderful, scented with pine, fresh air and a touch of wood smoke. His arms tightened on her involuntarily as he reveled at having her within his arms. His heart was full and aching at the same time. It would probably only complicate matters further, but he had to tell her how he felt. If he didn't, he felt like he was going to explode.
Kathryn could feel his breath stirring her hair. It was a pleasant feeling, so she didn't ask him to move. She had to admit he *had* warmed her up. She felt the heat of the fire on her face, and the heat of his body against her back. He felt so good. Too good. She had to leave his warmth before it overwhelmed her. She could smell their combined scents when he shifted the blanket around them. They both smelled of the mountain air and the campfire, and yet there was their own distinctiveness as well.
"Kathryn," Chakotay whispered hoarsely in her ear, and God help her, she felt his voice all the way through her.
"Why didn't you marry Mark years ago?" he asked. It was the last question she had anticipated from him.
"I, uh, I don't think that's any of your business," she finally managed, so surprised with his query.
"You know what I think? I think you kept putting off your marriage because you were waiting for something. Waiting for me."
She struggled out of his arms. Could he be serious? Did he really believe they were so fated to be together that somehow she put off marrying Mark because she thought something better would come along? That *he* was the something better? That was stretching the concept of spirituality just a little too far! Granted she was attracted to him, but it had nothing to do with fate.
You really believe that, don't you?" She said, turning around to face him.
"How else do you explain what's happening with us?"
"Chakotay, there is no 'us.' It's just a lot of wishful thinking."
"On whose part? Can you honestly say, if things were different, if Mark weren't in the picture, you would be pushing me away?"
"It's pointless. Mark *is* in the picture, and we didn't meet under different circumstances. So let's just drop this whole thing, before one of us says something we'll regret."
"You're doing it again," he said rising to pace before her.
"Doing what?"
"Running away. You did it on the way to Dorvan and you're doing it now."
"What would you have me do, tell you, that yes, I *do* feel something for you with one breath and tell you I'm marring another man with the next? Is that fair to you?"
"No, but at least it would be honest," he said.
Kathryn rose to her feet and stood before him. "What good would that serve?'' she continued to argue. "It's only going to make us even more uncomfortable around each other. Is that what you want?"
"You know it isn't," he sighed. How did he make her see she owed more to the truth than she did to her commitment to Mark? If only she could see what a mistake it would be to marry Mark out of a sense of loyalty. The only trouble was, loyalty, to Kathryn Janeway, was on the same level as the Prime Directive. Neither were topics for discussion or debate. He spotted that tendency almost immediately.
"Do you feel something for me?" he demanded.
"I'm not having this conversation with you," she said, picking up her blanket and moving away from him. She had no idea where she would go, all she knew was she had to get away, before he wore down the last of her defenses. Chakotay grabbed her by the elbow. Not enough to hurt her, but sufficient to keep her from walking away.
"Do you!?"
"YES!" she shouted. "Are you happy now? Does it relieve your mind to know I think about you, but I'm going to marry another man?"
"It's a start," he whispered. "I'm sorry Kathryn. I didn't mean to push you so hard. But I had to know. I think about you constantly," he confessed. "No matter what I'm doing, or where I am, you're there too. Always on my mind. I just had to know if it was only me."
"Chakotay. . . ." She swallowed. Why did this have to be so hard, so complicated? He still held her by the arm. She knew she should pull away, put some actual distance between them, but the soulful expression in his eyes wouldn't allow her to move. His other hand came up and caressed her cheek.
"I think about you, too," she said softly. "But there's nothing I can do about it."
"Yes," he said, drawing her closer, "there is."
He was going to kiss her. She recognized the dark look of desire in his eyes, and knew she had to stop him, but suddenly she was in his arms, his mouth on hers. As inviting as the kiss was, she had to put a halt to it. This couldn't go anywhere and she had to be the one to end it. Almost involuntarily, her mouth opened beneath his and their tongues touched, sending a jolt to the pit of her stomach. Kathryn panicked. This wasn't right! She owed it to Mark to be stronger than this!
"Stop!" she cried, pushing him away. Backing up she saw the remorse on his face.
"Kathryn, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. . . ."
"But you did," she said, still feeling her lips tingling from their contact with his. He looked so miserable, she couldn't help feeling sorry for him.
"Chakotay, I'm sorry, too. I know you want things to be different, but they *aren't*. Lets just forget this happened, and we'll go back to being friends, okay?" He could see she was practically pleading with him to drop this, to not complicate things further. What he really wanted to do was shake some sense into her. Hadn't she felt the same surge of current he had when their tongues met? She was affected, he realized, seeing her fingers stray to her lips as if she were still experiencing the sensation of the kiss.
They continued to pace, on opposite sides of the fire, hoping it would be an effective barrier against him. She wasn't cold any longer, but at what a cost! How would they continue to work together with this between them? Was the only option cool professionalism? It was going to make for a long assignment at Headquarters, and an even longer tenure on *Voyager*.
In the end, she settled for sleeping on the other side of the fire from him. It was a cold night in many respects.
*********
Petala looked up at the sound of Chakotay's voice, reminding her again of the surprise she felt the day before at his sudden interest in the sacred place of the spirits. He had never shown any concern in regards to the mountain on his previous visits. In fact, his aborted vision quest was the only instance she could recall of his having climbed to the Medicine Wheel. Kolopak, too, wondered at his son's intrigue with the place, and had voiced his concern to his wife. He felt something was not right about the whole thing.
They had discussed their son's apparent attraction to the woman he had brought to their home. Petala thought perhaps it was Chakotay's way of asking the spirits help to persuade her to return the affection he clearly felt for her. Kathryn cared for Chakotay, that much was obvious, but as to the depths of those feelings, she could only guess.
Kolopak wasn't so easily swayed. There was definitely something off about Chakotay's instant interest in the spirits. It seemed a little too coincidental that two Starfleet officers would show up on his doorstep only days before a major Maquis strike. He'd heard rumors of a leak among the cells, and his son's appearance only served to substantiate those rumors.
"*Ina*!" Petala heard her son call out. "We're back!" Stepping from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel, she embraced her son.
"And how did your visits with the spirits go?" she teased "Did you discover any truths?"
Petala's almost psychic question caused Kathryn to look up. Petala recognized the look and realized more than sight-seeing had transpired on the journey. But she sensed an uneasiness with the pair that hadn't been there when they left.
"Everything went fine, *Ina*," Chakotay reassured her. From the look on both their faces, nothing was fine. Petala pretended not to notice.
"Kathryn, what do you think of Dorvan?" she asked, hoping to ease the tension they brought into the room with them.
"It's beautiful, so different from where I grew up. I don't know how Chakotay can stay away as long as he does."
"It's an argument we often have," she said, smiling at her son. "Where did you grow up?"
"Indiana. It's in the Midwest of the North American continent, on Earth. There's lots of farm land around there as well, but the climate is different."
"Yes, it's drier here than most farm country, but it suits us. At one time I thought Chakotay would marry Amyah, settle down, and he would bring his children over to play with Naya's and Kinma's, but that's a mother's dream. Once he went off to the Academy, I knew he wouldn't be satisfied with life here."
"Amyah?" Kathryn asked.
"An old girlfriend," Chakotay supplied, smiling. "Gods, *Ina*, I haven't thought of her in ages, what made you think of her?"
"She was the only girl I ever thought you were serious enough about to marry."
Chakotay cleared his throat. His mother had an uncanny ability to state one thing, clearly imply another, and yet seem oblivious to the effect she caused.
The thought of Chakotay, married and with children by another woman caused a sharp twist to Kathryn's heart. She knew she had no right to be jealous, especially over a long-forgotten girlfriend. What must it be like for him, to hear her go on about Mark, to throw her impending marriage into his face, every time he got a little too close. How would she feel in his place? She resolved not to draw any more attention to the situation than she already had; maybe they could find their way back to a place where they both could be comfortable.
"Would you like something to eat? I'm sure the little bit of food you took couldn't have filled you up."
"We don't want to be a bother."
"You should know you're no bother, Kathryn. Would you like to clean up before dinner?" Petala offered, leading her away. Chakotay stood in the kitchen, munching on a piece of his mother's bread, stolen once her back was turned.
"Some things never change, Touca," Petala scolded him upon her return.. "I never could leave you and bread alone in the same room."
"I'm sorry, *Ina*. I couldn't wait."
"Always so impatient. I thought the spirits may have taught you something."
"I guess I was hoping they would too."
"What is it, Chakotay?" At the use of his name rather than the nick-name, he knew he had her worried.
"Is it Kathryn?" She correctly assessed. "You're in love with her, aren't you?"
Chakotay searched his mother's face. Was he really that obvious?
As if she had heard him speak, she said, "It is only apparent to me. Even Kinma said nothing." His sister was infamous for reading something into the most innocent of situations.
"She doesn't feel the same?'' His mother continued.
"I know she feels something for me, but I don't think even she can define it." He was surprised at how easily he could reveal his inner most thoughts to her, even though he'd always been able to tell her everything. She was the only person he'd been able to do that with. He sensed a similar ability within Kathryn, but it was a little difficult to discuss her *with* her. Especially after what had happened at the place of the spirits.
"You never could take the easy path, could you , Chakotay? I think Kathryn *does* feel something for you, but that's only making things worse, isn't it?"
Chakotay merely nodded. Maybe he should request a transfer. If he didn't see her, maybe the ache would go away, at least it would be easier. But what of *Voyager*? Would he loose the ship as well?"
"I'd like to tell you a story," his mother said. "I don't think you know this. I don't believe any of you children are aware of this, but I loved a man before your *Ahtay*."
Chakotay looked up, utter shock on his face. He had always looked to his parents as the model of a strong marriage. He had often found himself jealous of the bond they shared, and now his *Ina* was telling him she had loved another?
Petala saw the confusion on her son's face and she motioned him to a chair. Apparently this was a difficult thing to talk about, since she paced before him.
"His name was Parek. We grew up together on Earth, before our People moved here to Dorvan V. We were very much in love, but my parents didn't approve of him. Oh, there was nothing definite they could say was wrong with him, but they knew of Kolopak's interest in me, and kept pushing me in his direction. Kolo's <>*Ahtay* was a Shaman and one day his son would take his place."
Chakotay shifted uncomfortably in his chair, thinking it a veiled admonishment from his mother, for not taking his rightful place after his father, but she had never questioned his choices, it was his father who did that.
"My parents forbid me to see Parek and told me they had arranged for my marriage to Kolopak," Petala continued. "When I told Parek of the news, he tried to talk me into running off with him. I was tempted. More than tempted. I had a bag packed and was about to sneak out of our house to go meet him when I suddenly remembered my commitments to my family. I couldn't do this to them. I had made promises and I had to stick by them. I never saw Parek again. He left without me. But that didn't make the ache in my heart go away. I cared for Kolopak, but it wasn't the same as what I felt for Parek. My point is, in time, the pain went away. And if you give this time, your pain will go away too."
"But you don't know what Parek went through," he said. From what you're telling me, eventually Kathryn will be happy with Mark. I don't doubt that. But what about me? How do I live without her?" Petala saw the tears in his eyes.
"You'll find a way. You have to." She hugged him and he held her so tight, she thought he'd crush her. If only there were some way to help him, but this was between Kathryn and Chakotay. They would have to find their own way.
*********
Kathryn sat at her desk, her chair turned to watch the sunset. Working on yet another cup of coffee, she reflected on the day. She and Chakotay had accomplished a great deal, and she more than earned some time off, but she still felt the need to put in some extra hours. She was leaving soon for Indiana, to plan her wedding with her mother, and sister Phoebe. Although she was looking forward to seeing her family, she wasn't looking forward to the wedding plans. Her mother would, no doubt, turn it into a bigger affair than Kathryn had envisioned; she wasn't eager to argue with her. At least Phoebe's presence should help on that score. She would stick by her sister and help convince their mother to respect Kathryn's wishes.
Taking a sip of her coffee, she leaned back in her chair, as the sky turned purple before her. She couldn't believe how smoothly things were going between Chakotay and her. There was something different about him after leaving Dorvan V. As if he finally accepted her decision, and realized they could be friends and nothing more. And he had been an outstanding friend. Supportive, helpful, insightful, thoughtful. He couldn't have treated her with any more respect. Even the covert looks were gone. Every once in a while, she would catch him looking at her, but his professional mask would slide into place, and all hint of emotion would disappear. She tried to thank him for making things easier for her, but he quickly brushed her off, almost as if he were afraid to discuss his behavior, for fear he'd lose the control he'd managed to achieve.
Things were good between Mark and her as well. Now that they'd set the date, he seemed happier than she'd seen him in a long time; Kathryn was grateful she'd been able to give him that at least. She still felt guilty over her attraction to Chakotay, but nothing remotely physical had happened between the two of them since their night on the mountain. Even her usual touches had been suspended, for fear he would misinterpret her meaning. That didn't mean that she didn't find her thoughts straying to that kiss at the most inappropriate times. Once when Chakotay was laughing over something with Harry; the worst, had been when she was listening to Mark practice a speech, and she found herself watching his lips, only to find she was thinking of Chakotay's lips, and not his. She had felt so horribly guilty over that; she hadn't heard a word of Mark's lecture. The only consolation was the fact she'd stopped Chakotay when she had. If she'd succumbed to her desires of that night, she didn't know how she would have faced Mark. The memories of a kiss were bad enough. What if she had a more intimate knowledge of her assistant? Suddenly she thought of something she forgot to tell him, and before she realized it, she was sending a message to his apartment.
Chakotay heard the signal of an incoming message as he stepped from the shower. He was surprised anyone would be signaling him at this time. It was long past working hours so it couldn't be Kathryn. Perhaps it was his family.
"Display," he commanded the computer. "Kathryn!" he said, acutely aware he was wearing only a towel.
"Chakotay, I just remembered I forgot to mention. . . ." She looked up from the PADD she was perusing, and noticed his attire, or lack of it. "Oh, I'm sorry, Chakotay, I didn't realize I called at a bad time. I'll try later." She was reaching for the deactivation button as he cried,
"Wait! Kathryn, it's okay! What did you want?"
She swallowed as she took in his appearance. Apparently he was comfortable with his state of undress, so why was she so nervous? Because he didn't see what she did. The mussed, damp hair, the bronze skin of his broad chest. She never realized how muscular his arms were, and she found herself staring at him.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay prompted
"Um, yes," she said, flushing. "I just remembered I forgot to tell you where I keep the PADD with Tuvok's information."
"Kathryn, you access that PADD daily. You keep it in the upper right drawer of your desk and the security code is Alpha Theta 646. Why did you really call?"
She was speechless. Why *had* she called? She truly thought it was to give him the information, but if she had thought about it, she would have realized he would know where the PADD was, without her explaining it. The point was, she *hadn't* thought about it. He came into her mind and it just seemed necessary for her to speak to him one last time, before she left.
Kathryn blushed. "It does sound like a rather contrived excuse, doesn't it? I was just sitting here, watching the sunset, and I thought I hadn't told you. I should have realized you'd know where I kept it."
Chakotay could see the sunset through the windows behind her, and thought what a lovely backdrop it was for her. She'd changed into her off-duty clothes, her hair loose about her shoulders. She was so beautiful; he wished he was there with her, but it was probably fortunate he wasn't. He'd managed to accept her coming trip with some amount of grace, and he didn't need to torture himself any further by being with her up until her departure.
"I'm glad you called," he said, trying to ease her discomfort. "I wanted to say good-bye before you left, and we never seemed to find a good time. Actually, I thought you'd be gone by now. Why *are* you still here?"
"There were a few things I wanted to finish up before I left." She was procrastinating and she knew it; it wasn't like her. She couldn't put her finger on why she was so reluctant to leave. She loved her family, and couldn't wait to see them again, so it must be the occasion she was dreading. There seemed such a finality to making actual plans, arranging all the details, and she seemed to be dragging out leaving until the last possible moment.
"I guess I should be going," she said, almost wishing a crisis would come up and she'd have an excuse to push off making plans, yet again.
"I suppose so. Have a good time, and don't worry about the office; Harry and I will take care of everything. Good luck."
"I hope I don't need it," she smiled slightly. Serious again, her eyes met his. "Good-bye, Chakotay."
"Good-bye, Kathryn," he replied, disconnecting from her. "I'll miss you," he added quietly to the blank screen.
**********