**********
Phoebe was waiting for Kathryn at the transport site. It was close to their mother's home, so they decided to walk, affording them a chance to catch up on each other's lives. They talked of Phoebe's love-of-the-moment, and what Kathryn felt was appropriate to discuss about her work at Headquarters. Talking in such a companionable way, it was hard for her to remember a time when she and her sister didn't get along. But it wasn't until Kathryn had gone off to the Academy, they had become friends.
"I still can't believe you've *finally* set a date, Goldie." Hearing her sister call her by the childhood taunt, reminded Kathryn of Chakotay and his family. She swallowed, and tried to push the thought of her assistant to the back of her mind. The last thing she needed was to start thinking about Chakotay. This trip was about Mark, and the beginning of her life with him as his wife, not thoughts of the man she had spoken to, only minutes before.
"And I can't believe you're still jealous, calling me 'Goldie.'" She teased Phoebe. Her sister had started calling her by the nick-name upon hearing their beloved father refer to Kathryn as "Golden Bird." As an adult, Phoebe realized she started taunting her sister with the aberration of her father's endearment, because she *was* jealous at the time. However, today she spoke the word with none of the malice she had as a child. It had become a term of affection, and she knew Kathryn received it as such.
"You'd think I was mad at you if I called you 'Kathryn,'" Phoebe teased back. "Seriously, what did it take for you to decide to 'settle down?' Although, with you, I think the term is probably relative!" P> Kathryn's thoughts were again turned towards Chakotay. Should she tell her sister it was he who scared her into solidifying her commitment to Mark? Could she?
"It was Owen. He convinced me there would never be a 'good' time, so we just picked out a date one night." It wasn't a total lie, but not the complete truth either.
"Owen? Admiral Paris?" Phoebe was astonished. "He never struck me as much of a match-maker."
Kathryn laughed. "It wasn't exactly like that," she smiled, thinking of the impossibility of the stoic Admiral orchestrating her wedding plans. "I've been getting pressure from *several* sides concerning my setting a date," she said, nudging her sister in the ribs.
"What can I say? After that ridiculously extravagant bribe Mark paid me, I felt the least I could do was give it my best shot!"
"I should have known he was behind this somehow!" Kathryn laughed with her sister. Suddenly she stopped, dropped her bag and captured her sister in a fierce hug.
"Hey! What's this all about?" Phoebe asked, returning her sister's embrace.
"Nothing," Kathryn said, releasing her, and stepping back. A little surprised herself, at her action. "It's just so good to see you again." Phoebe stepped closer to her and initiated her own hug.
"I missed you too, Goldie. I'm happy for you, really."
This time, as the sister's separated, there were tears in the corners of both sets of dark blue eyes. Embarrassed by their emotions, they each felt slightly awkward, until Phoebe broke the mood, tearing off in the direction of their childhood home.
"Race ya!" She cried over her shoulder, carried effortlessly by her long legs.
"Oh no you don't!" Kathryn returned her challenge. Leaving her bag where she'd dropped it earlier, she took off after her sister in a dead run. Athletically, Phoebe was never a match for Kathryn, and even though she had a head start, Kathryn managed to pass her and reach the front porch of their mother's home, a full body-length before her sibling. Kathryn placed her hand on her stomach, trying to catch her breath. Between laughing and her race, she wasn't having much luck.
"Not. . .bad. . .for. . .an. . .old. . .lady. . .hey,. . .Phoebs?"
"Old. . .lady. . .my. . .ass!" Phoebe panted herself. "You'll. . .never. . .be. . an. . .old. . .lady!"
Just then the front door opened, revealing their mother, Gretchen. Hands firmly on her hips, displaying the trademark Janeway stance.
"What on Earth is going on here?" She demanded of her daughters. "Racing like a pair of *Solaric Trants* in heat!"
What was it about the sound of a mother's voice that could reduce grown women into contrite twelve-year-olds? Phoebe had even started to unconsciously rub the toe of her shoe in the dirt, as if she were gearing up for an excuse.
"It's my fault, Mom," Kathryn said, stepping forward to take the brunt of their mother's anger. "I shouldn't have challenged her to a race."
"Don't listen to her, Mom! It was my idea!" Phoebe cried.
Gretchen really wasn't angry, and she knew she shouldn't use the respect her children had for her against them, but sometimes it was hard for to remember her daughters were old enough to have children of their own. Actually, it warmed her heart to see how they stood up for each other. While they were growing up, she wondered if they would ever be close. It was unfortunate it had taken the loss of their father, her husband, to bring them together, but at least something good had come from the tragedy. Gretchen's hands came off her hips and she held her arms out to her daughters. "It's good to see you girls! It doesn't matter who started it."
"Good!" Kathryn said, returning her mother's embrace, "Since it was Phoebs' idea, and she lost, I think she can go back for my bag." She tossed her sister a triumphant look, and without a second glance, entered the house with their mother. Even as she turned to go, Phoebe cried, loud enough for the women to hear:
"I'm not one of your crew, you know!"
"Thank God for small favors!" Kathryn yelled out the door, determined to have the last word.
"You two!" Gretchen chastised her, hugging her close again. "You can't be together five minutes before you start picking at each other! Oh, Katie! It's been too long! What have they got you doing that you can't visit your mother more often?"
"You know I can't talk about that, Mom! You're already aware I'm working on the Cardassian problem, and that's all I can say right now."
Shaking her head, Gretchen said, "first your father, and now you. How many people do I have to loose to the Cardassians?" Even though it were a rhetorical question, Kathryn felt the need to try and answer.
"You know I've got a desk job, Mom. You can't get much safer than that."
"But what happens when you take over *Voyager?* You think I don't know where they'll send your ship?"
Kathryn didn't know how to reply. There was more than a good chance *Voyager* would be the first ship Starfleet sent to the DMZ, but she couldn't tell her mother that. She worried enough as it was over her. She hugged her mother again.
"Everything will work out fine, Mom."
Gretchen smoothed the hair back from her daughter's face. "I know, Katie." She didn't want to discuss the topic any further. Kathryn had come here to finalize her wedding plans, not talk about the impending threat of Cardassia.
Phoebe came in and let Kathryn's bag drop unceremoniously onto the floor. "Don't worry about the tip," she stated. "All part of our friendly service!"
"Thanks, Phoebs, but I would think you'd know better than to challenge me!"
"Or challenge any Janeway!" Gretchen added. Tenacity wasn't Kathryn's sole realm. It was a family trait they all seemed to have an abundance of.
"It's getting late," Gretchen noted. "Why don't you girls get a good night's sleep and we'll all catch up over breakfast tomorrow."
Kathryn and Phoebe looked at one another and replied in unison, "yes, Mom." They knew the tone of their mother's voice; it wasn't a suggestion, it was an order. For a woman who'd never served in Starfleet, she certainly had a grasp on command.
*********
Kathryn walked around the yard, marveling that her mother continued to use a clothesline. She had to admit, she'd been flooded with memories last night, the moment she lay her head to the pillow and caught the scent of sun-dried cotton. There was no perfume sweeter nor anything that exemplified "home" and her childhood, as the smell of air-dried linens. She wandered around the pole of the clothesline, hanging by one arm, much the same as she had as a little girl, and found herself humming a little tune. It was a song she had sung, as a child, when she used to circle the support pole as she was now.
"I knew this is where I'd find you," Gretchen said, wiping her hands on a dish towel. "This was always your favorite place to play, in and out of my clean laundry. You used to call it your 'nebula,' and you'd pretend you were flying a shuttle between the layers of wet clothes like you were flying around asteroids."
"I remember," Kathryn said, her eyes clouding over, a smile crossing her face. "I also remember catching hell for knocking some of those 'asteroids' out of their orbits, and causing them to fall to the ground."
"I was really surprised when you opted for science and command and not a career as a pilot."
"Why should I be a pilot, when I'd already been there, and done that?" Kathryn smiled at her.
"You always were so curious. Always had to have what was new and different," her mother observed. Why was it her mother's innocent statement made her think suddenly of Chakotay? Was the big attraction still his difference from her? The contrasts that somehow seemed perfectly matched? Kathryn shook off her thoughts as her mother said,
Well, it's time to grow up now, Kathryn, and discuss your wedding." Again her mother's words sounded more like a pronouncement rather than a suggestion, even though she knew it was Gretchen's way of teasing her.
Kathryn followed her mother into the house as Phoebe placed a large pot of coffee and three mugs on the kitchen table.
"I have a feeling we're *all* going to need this!" she joked, as Kathryn brought out a PADD where she had some preliminary ideas written.
Kathryn wanted an outdoor wedding, but, as her mother rightly pointed out, the weather in April could be so unpredictable, it would be a real gamble. It was either an indoor setting, or wait until May, when the chance of a surprise storm wouldn't be as great. Kathryn was sorely tempted to push the date back, yet again, and made a flippant comment.
"I'd push it back, but I've already gotten so much grief from Chakotay, I don't think I could handle any more of his jibes about my procrastination."
Phoebe set down the PADD she was working with and said, "Boy, I'd really like to meet this Chakotay of yours. All I heard at breakfast was 'Chakotay, this,' and 'Chakotay, that.' You'd think you were marrying him instead of Mark!"
At her words, Kathryn felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. Had she really been talking about him so much? She knew she mentioned his name a few times, but according to Phoebe, he was her main topic of conversation! Suddenly her eyes welled up with tears and she jumped up from the table so fast, she knocked her chair over. Running for the exit, she didn't grab her coat or even shut the door in her haste to be rid of the house.
Kathryn ran, heedless of the direction, until she noticed the large willow tree in the middle of the recently plowed fields. It was the only tree for acres. She'd never been quite sure why it had been left standing, but had always been a refuge for her. Phoebe too. Whenever the pressures of life became too much, the tree seemed to offer it's branches in welcome. It was a haven. Kathryn changed directions and headed straight for the tree. By the time she reached it's base, she was sobbing, and trying to catch her breath, whether from her flight from the house or the emotions overwhelming her, she couldn't say. Sliding down the trunk, she found she still fit in the place between the roots where she had always sat, knees pulled to her chest, with the legs of the huge willow on either side of her.
Phoebe just stared at her mother. "What? What did I say? All I said was. . . "
"I know what you said, Phoebe."
"But I was just kidding! I didn't mean anything by it! I have to find her, I have to explain!" she said, rising to grab her coat and head out the same way her sister had.
"Maybe you should just let her be, Phoebe. It's probably just wedding jitters," Gretchen said without conviction. She too had noticed her daughter's almost incessant talk of Chakotay, while Mark's name barely came up. She hadn't been sure what to make of it until Kathryn had run out the door. Now she had a pretty good idea why her daughter was so upset, but she wasn't sure what to do about it. Of course she wanted Kathryn's happiness, but what of Mark? He was already a part of their family, marriage or not. How did she suddenly just stop caring about the man she had long thought of as her son-in-law?
"I need to talk to her! Something's obviously not right here, and it's all my fault! I've got to try and fix it." Phoebe ran into the yard, calling Kathryn's name, but the wind carried her words away. Her long dark hair was whipped into her face, obscuring her vision. She couldn't have gone far. Even with as fast as Kathryn had been moving, she still should be within sight. Shielding her eyes from the sun, she saw what appeared to be a body at the base of the willow tree. Of course. It was where she should have tried in the first place. Jogging across the muddy fields, she quickly came upon her sister.
"Goldie?" she asked tentatively. "Are you okay? Look, I don't know what I said, but I'm really sorry."
Kathryn's breath was still coming in little hiccuping sobs, and she clasped her knees even tighter. Phoebe couldn't tell if the action was due to the cold, or if she were trying to shrink even smaller. Her sister didn't act this way. Not the tough Starfleet Captain who had faced down danger on a daily basis. Captain Janeway didn't break down into hysterics at the mention of a man's name, and more often than not, Phoebe had only seen her sister behave as Captain Janeway.
"Goldie, you're scaring me! You don't get emotional like this!" she lowered her voice. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"
"Oh, Phoebs," Kathryn moaned. Phoebe had never seen her sister so miserable. "I don't know what to do!"
"It's Chakotay, isn't it?" she quickly accessed. "Are you in love with him? Does Mark know?"
"I. . .I don't know. I don't think so. I've never been able to admit it, even to myself," she whispered. Phoebe's sank down next to her sister and pulled her into her arms, stroking her hair.
"Shhhh," she soothed, rocking her gently. When Kathryn's crying had stopped, she gently asked, "do you want to talk about it?"
Kathryn debated whether or not she should tell her. She felt as though she had to tell someone. Maybe someone who didn't know Chakotay would be able to give her a more objective view. But Phoebe did know Mark, and she loved him as the brother she had never had. She was bound to be protective of him. Would she truly be able to offer her an unbiased opinion?
"Things haven't been right for awhile now," she started.
"You mean with Mark? I didn't think. . . . "
"No," Kathryn clarified. "With me. I haven't been acting like 'me' since I met him."
"You mean, Chakotay," Phoebe said, trying to follow her sister's erratic disclosure.
"Yes," Kathryn confirmed. "Ever since the day I met him in the conference room, he's had me knocked off balance. He looked at me with those dark eyes, and it was if he were staring right through me." She turned slightly to look into her sister's face.
"You know me, Phoebs. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me! I'm not sixteen! And I certainly wasn't looking to fall for another man! I love Mark! I really do! But there's something about Chakotay too."
Phoebe hugged her tighter. "You're right. I do know you. I guess that's why this is all a little hard to believe. You're the most level-headed person I know, well, aside from Mom, that is." Phoebe's statement brought a smile to Kathryn's lips.
"It's nothing I can put my finger on," Kathryn told her. "We had this instant rapport, as if we'd known each other for ages. Even on our first day of working together, we fell into this easy routine, and that's *never* happened with anyone, even Admiral Paris. At first it was great that we were so in synch with each other, then it became awkward. I could tell he had feelings for me that went beyond our friendship and work relationship, and I found myself attracted to him as well. I tried to tell myself it was a combination of factors, and I would admit, I was a little infatuated with him, but I really thought that's all it was."
She told her sister of her visit to Dorvan V, sticking to her story of a sight-seeing trip. Then she told her about her last conversation with Chakotay, just prior to her beaming to Indiana.
"I had this incredibly transparent excuse to call him. I didn't think so at the time, but now when I look back, it seems so lame. As if my sub-conscience were trying to tell me something. Phoebs, I don't think I can go through with this wedding to Mark."
Phoebe jerked, as if her sister had physically struck her. "You're serious! Kathryn, I admit you've got a problem, but to do this to Mark. . . . ."
"Isn't marrying him when I feel something for Chakotay worse?" Kathryn asked, not realizing she'd echoed Chakotay's words from their trip to Dorvan.
"What would you do, if you broke things off with Mark? Would you get involved with Chakotay?"
"I don't know. I just don't think I should be marring Mark. At least not like this." Kathryn told her.
"What do you mean?"
Kathryn hesitated. She felt so guilty over how she had manipulated Mark, she didn't want to tell her sister of her selfish motives.
"I was scared. I knew I was starting to feel something for Chakotay, and I didn't want to. I'd made a commitment to Mark, and I wanted to honor it, so after Chakotay and I had this argument, where he tried to get me to admit to being attracted to him, I panicked. It was that night I insisted to Mark we set a date. I thought if there were an actual date, Chakotay would accept my decision, and things would return to normal. Well, they did, in a way, except for me. He never overstepped his bounds, but I couldn't stop thinking about him." She gave a short little laugh. "I guess you saw that today."
Phoebe was quiet for a long time before she answered. "I wish I had some advice I could offer you, Goldie. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before."
"Believe me, it wasn't something I had planned either. I truly thought I saw myself growing old with Mark."
"And now?"
"All I can see is Chakotay," Kathryn whispered, tears flooding her eyes again. "Just talking about him, I miss him. It's almost like a physical ache. And, God help me, I've never felt this way when Mark was gone. I'd miss him, but not like this."
Tears streamed down her face and Phoebe continued to rock her. "Come on, Goldie. We should go inside; you're freezing."
"I can't face Mom," Kathryn said.
Phoebe dragged her to her feet. "Come on! Where's that old Janeway fire? You said you haven't been yourself since meeting Chakotay? Well it's time to find yourself again! Kathryn Janeway wouldn't run away from this. She'd tell her mother she'd made a decision and that was it. And then she'd go home and face both Chakotay and Mark, and she wouldn't be out of control emotionally again. Take your life back, Kathryn. Deep in your heart you know what you need to do, and nothing any of us will say will affect that, so go home and do what you think best. I've known Kathryn Janeway for a long time, and she's always had good judgment. Maybe not the best timing," Phoebe teased her, "but definitely common sense."
Kathryn hugged her sister again and wiped her eyes. She was right. Things were out of control because she had *let* them get out of control. No more. No more unfairness to Mark and no more denying she felt something for Chakotay. She didn't know if the marriage was off permanently, but at the very least, she owed Mark the truth.
"Let's go," Kathryn said, linking her arm with her sister's. "I have some explaining to do to Mom."
*********
"Kathryn, I don't believe you're thinking clearly," Gretchen said. They were seated at the kitchen table, and Kathryn held her mother's thin hand within her own, trying to ease the shock of her words.
"You've known Mark since you were a little girl, and I believe he's loved you since then."
"I'm not denying Mark's feelings for me, or mine for him," she tried to explain. "But I can't marry him when I feel like I do about Chakotay."
"I think you're scared. I know marriage is a big step, honey, but you and Mark have a solid relationship, one that already has years behind it. There's nothing to be afraid of!"
"Except my feelings for another man! Mother! I don't think you're listening to me! I can't pretend I don't feel something for Chakotay anymore. It's there, and it won't go away! Believe me, I've tried. Do you think I wanted this to happen? That I'd run out of excuses for getting married, so I went looking for Chakotay?"
"Of course not," Gretchen said with a sigh. "But I think you're making too much of this. You don't think I found men other than your father attractive? There were others I'd fantasize about, especially when your father was gone for so long."
Kathryn's face registered shock. Her *mother*?Thinking about other men? Gretchen noted the look of disbelief on her daughter's face.
"I know you don't like to think of me as a woman, other than your mother, but I am, Kathryn. My point is, just because I was tempted, didn't mean I was going to act on it. I loved your father, and while I might entertain the idea of another man, I would never have considered leaving him."
"But I'm not leaving Mark in the same sense," she said. But wasn't she? She'd always told Mark one of the reasons she didn't want to get married, was she felt like she already was. She didn't need the official documentation to cement her commitment to him. Thinking in those terms, her decision was making her feel even worse.
"Katie," her mother said, stroking her cheek, "I truly want what's best for you. If you feel it's this Chakotay, then I'll accept your decision, but I want you to think long and hard before you do anything to hurt Mark."
Kathryn was about to speak as she heard a masculine voice in the foyer. Her eyes widened with shock. What was he *doing* here? What kind of coincidental bad timing was this? He was supposed to be on Rigel all week!
"Gretchen? It's Mark! Are you here?" Kathryn's eyes met her mothers. She shook her head, trying to convey she didn't want to see him, but instead, Gretchen called out,
"We're in the kitchen, Mark!"
Kathryn looked around for an avenue of escape, but saw none. Even Phoebe wasn't around to offer her support, having discreetly left her mother and sister alone to talk.
Kathryn stood as Mark entered the small, sunny room. "What are you doing here?" She asked, more an accusation than a greeting.
"I rearranged my schedule so I could help with the plans. It is "our" wedding, after all. I shouldn't just leave everything up to you." He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. "Besides, I missed you."
Kathryn felt her stomach lurch. This display wasn't just for her or her mother. He was sincere, and his words caused a pain in her heart. How was she ever going to tell him? Especially when he came breezing in, the ideal bridegroom?
She caught her mother's look out of the corner of her eye, and felt the pain intensify. Was her mother right? Could she just push Chakotay out of her thoughts and live up to her responsibility? She wanted to, but she felt disloyal to both men, standing in Mark's arms. She didn't care for him the way she should. The way he deserved. She *had* to tell him.
Gretchen sensed the direction of Kathryn's thoughts, and worked to distract her by offering Mark a seat and a cup of coffee. Accepting, he took a chair next to Kathryn and placed his hand over hers.
"How far have you gotten?" He asked, trying to understand the strange mood he was perceiving from his fiancee.
"Not very, actually," Kathryn answered quietly, unable to meet his eyes. She was feeling more and more retched by the moment, feeling as if she were suffocating.
"Kath, what's wrong? Are you mad that I came? I know I should have called first, but I wanted to surprise you."
"Well, you did that!" she said, trying for a little levity, but ended up sounding shrewish. "I'm sorry, Mark, I didn't mean that the way it sounded."
He squeezed her hand tighter. "What's the matter, Kathryn?" The gentleness of his voice was worse than if he had slapped her. She put her head back, fighting the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.
"I'll leave you to alone," Gretchen offered, but Kathryn said,
"No Mom, we'll go. I need some air, anyway." Kathryn rose and put on her jacket, remembering how chilly she had become on her first outing.