Mark followed her out the door. They walked in silence for awhile, then she finally said,
"I'm sorry I don't seem a little happier to see you."
"I have to admit, it wasn't the greeting I was anticipating."
Kathryn turned to him then, grasping both his hands. The tears that threatened before, had returned, welling up in her eyes, but not yet spilling over.
"Mark, I am *so* sorry."
"Hey, I surprised you," he said, knowing full well she wasn't talking about their awkward reunion.
But he didn't want to hear what he was sure to come. He'd been suspecting it for some time, but he thought if he continued under the assumption everything was fine with them, it would be. The closer this meeting with her mother and sister came, the more remote Kathryn seemed. She never said what was actually bothering her, but he knew. She was careful not to speak his name, but he may as well have been lying between them in bed at night. He knew as they made love, she wasn't seeing him, but another, but he loved her so much, he was willing to overlook a tiny little detail like the fact she was in love with another man. Oh, she would deny it. In truth, she would vehemently state she was not in love with him, but he knew better. Even if she weren't willing to admit it to herself, he could see it, he just chose not to.
Kathryn took a deep breath and said the most difficult words she'd ever had to speak. "I can't marry you."
There was an interminable silence, then Mark cleared his throat. "I suppose I knew this was coming,"
"I didn't plan for this to happen, you must know that," she said, her eyes pleading with him to understand.
"I don't imagine you did. But it *has* happened Kathryn, and I can't pretend it isn't killing me. Don't ask me to just accept this and make it easier for you to go running to him."
"This has nothing to do with. . ."
"BULLSHIT!" Mark shouted, dropping her hands and turning from her. "At least do me the courtesy of acknowledging I have *some* intelligence!" He turned to face her again and said,
"I'm not blind Kathryn, and I would have had to have been! You think I didn't see how you'd stare at him when we were all together? That I didn't see the look that comes into your eyes when you mention his name? I'm a master of denial, denying what's been before me all along, so don't pretend this isn't about him! You're not in the same league as me when it comes to avoiding the truth!"
Kathryn noticed he hadn't used Chakotay's name. Perhaps it was still a form of self-delusion, but she wouldn't force his name on him. She'd already hurt him enough.
Mark chuckled. "You know, I should have realized it that night."
"That night?"
"The one where we made love as if it were a desperate act. The night we set the wedding date. It *was* an act of desperation, wasn't it, Kath? That was the night you realized you loved him, isn't it?"
"I don't love him! I admit there's something there, but. . ."
"I take it back. You *are* as good at denial as I am. Go ahead and kid yourself. Try to justify this as your being noble, that you're calling off our marriage on principle, that it would be 'unfair' to me when you're not totally committed."
Kathryn's mouth dropped open. Had he some how acquired telepathy? Or was she really that transparent?
"Surprised, Kath? You shouldn't be. I know you pretty well, and I have a little problem in that as a philosopher I tend to look at things from all directions, and argue all the angles. Actually, if I were a bit more objective, I could even justify your actions, but, unfortunately, I'm not in a position to be impartial." His voice lost it's sarcastic tone and he continued,
"Bottom line, is I love you, Kath. I've always loved you, ever since we were kids and I was 'Vulky Hobbes.' I always thought if I just stuck it out long enough, you'd see we were meant to be together. But I can't wait this one out. He's not some Cheb Packer, or even Justin Tigue, that if I'm patient enough, you'll get over. He's the one who you won't ever forget. In some ways it's reassuring to know there's still that kind of passionate, spiritual love out there. Maybe someday I'll find it, although, I thought I had."
He was breaking her heart. His now, almost quiet, acceptance was worse than if he initiated a shouting match with her. She almost wished he would, so she would feel some justification in ending things with him. If he were angry, she would be able to rationalize it was his unreasonableness causing her to break things off with him. But instead, he placed the blame, squarely on her shoulders, where it belonged. If she were to receive absolution for her actions, it wouldn't be from him. She'd have to find it within herself, and she wondered if she could. It proved to be a most effective weapon, as he'd intended.
She'd hardly said a word, and yet, had nothing left to say.
"I'll be leaving now," he said quietly. "I'm going to go to Rigel after all, so I won't be home if you want to pick up your things. Just do me one favor. Do it by yourself. I don't want him in my house."
Kathryn nodded dumbly. She knew she should say something. Something dignified, profound. But that was his realm, and she would only end up sounding trite.
"Tell your mom and Phoebe 'good-bye' for me." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Good luck." He turned abruptly, then, afraid she'd see the tears streaming down his face. All he knew was that bastard better treat her right, or he *would* live to regret it.
*********
Kathryn sat on the porch of her family's cabin at Lake George. After a quick apology to her mother and Phoebe, she left soon after Mark. She'd transported home only long enough to gather a few things she hadn't needed at her mother's, and to ask Admiral Nechayev for a few extra days leave.
Now she was seated in an Adirondack chair on the verandah of the ancient cabin, wrapped in a quilt, staring out at the lake, that was only beginning to shed it's winter coating of ice. The log structure had been in the Janeway family for generations, and someday would pass on to her and Phoebe. She smiled slightly as she remembered the childish arguments they would have over who was the rightful heir to the cabin. She'd heard the story of the Janeway who'd built the cabin, but for the life of her, she couldn't remember how many generations back he had accomplished his feat. She did remember he had constructed it entirely with hand tools, being the most ridged of the Traditionalists in her family. Perhaps the original one as well.
The rustic nature of the cabin was just what she needed. It was so far removed from her ordinary life, and the twenty-fourth century, it provided the balm her aching heart required. She couldn't stay in her house in San Francisco. There were too many reminders of Mark and the life they shared. Although he stayed there only on occasion, his presence was in every room of her house, and she had to have some neutral ground. The cabin had proven to be the ideal choice. The majority of the residences along the lake shore were occupied only during the summer months, and she relished this chance at solitude.
Kathryn hadn't wanted to explain to Admiral Nechayev why she needed the extra few days. With things heating up with the Cardassians, it had been difficult enough for her to get away to go to her mother's. Nechayev was not about to grant extra time for just any reason. So she found herself divulging her private information to the most notorious gossip in the 'Fleet. No doubt it would be all over Headquarters before the day was out. Maybe Nechayev would surprise her and show some discretion. How did the old phrase go? She wasn't holding her breath.
In her thoughts, Kathryn kept circling around the main issue. Her reason for being at the cabin in the first place. Her exchange with Mark had been nothing like she had planned, but if she were honest with herself, she had to admit she hadn't had a preconception. In fact, she had no idea how she was going to tell him until the words tumbled out of her mouth. She could still see the hurt, and pain written on his face. She would have given anything to take away that expression, but agreeing to go through with the wedding wouldn't have been the way, she realized. Kathryn hadn't been aware how obvious she had been where Chakotay was concerned. If Mark had suspected all along, why did he look so surprised when she said she couldn't go through with the wedding? It should almost have been a relief, but then, just because you suspect the truth, doesn't mean you want to have it substantiated.
Kathryn drew her knees up to her chest under the warmth of the quilt. She noticed the patchwork design and realized how different the blanket would look if her great-grandmother had chosen different materials, different colors. Just as her life would be different now, other than how she had originally envisioned it. Mark's pattern would be removed. Or would it be replaced? She thought of Chakotay, and wondered what she would say to him when they saw each other again. *Yes, nice trip. Mom and Phoebe are great. Oh, by the way, I called off my wedding*. Maybe she wouldn't have to worry about breaking the news to him. Nechayev was probably relinquishing the information at that very moment.
Kathryn heard the low, mournful cry of a loon. Apparently the bird had found a patch of open water. She could see the distinctive silhouette of it's head, and watched it dive beneath the surface of the frigid lake. Upon resurfacing, it gave another cry, different from the first. Calling for a mate. That thought brought tears to her eyes. If only deciding on a life-partner could be so easy.
*********
Chakotay looked at the chronometer on his desk. 09:30. Kathryn was an hour and a half late. Perhaps things had run over at her mother's, or she had to wait at the transport site, but it wasn't like her not to inform him of a delay. Not that he had expected her to check in with him as she made plans to marry another man, but her leave was supposed to have ended, and the fact she was late, and hadn't contacted him, had Chakotay worried.
He walked into the outer office. Harry Kim was seated at his desk, relaxed until he looked up and saw the Commander. Even after all the time he had worked it their office, the sight of a superior officer always caused Harry to immediately tense. Chakotay had the urge to tell the Ensign to be "at ease," but with him seated, it seemed rather ridiculous.
"Harry," Chakotay said, hoping the use of his first name would convey a casual atmosphere, "Have you heard anything from Kath--Captain Janeway? I was expecting her an hour and a half ago, and I'm starting to get concerned."
"No, Sir. But there is a memo here, addressed to you from Admiral Nechayev. It just arrived, I was about to inform you."
"Transfer it to my desk; I'll look at it there." Chakotay re-entered the inner office. It wasn't big, but without Kathryn's presence, it seemed vast. Shaking the thought from his mind, he sat at his terminal, activating it. Nechayev's image came on the screen and she smiled.
"Good Morning, Commander. No doubt you're wondering where Kathryn is. She called me last night and requested an extra two days leave, for personal reasons, and I agreed. She hasn't told me where she's staying, but I can contact her if there's an emergency. I realize the two of you work very closely, but I understood her reasons for wanting this extra time and privacy. I'm sure you and Ensign Kim will continue your fine work in her absence. Nechayev out."
The brief message brought more questions to Chakotay's mind, than had been answered. Her location a secret? She mustn't be at her mother's, as that was common knowledge. What could have happened? Where could she have gone? If Kathryn had wanted him to know where she was, she would have told him herself. Why all the secrecy? He wondered if he could call her sister. She would probably know what had happened, or where she was, but what if the problem had been an argument between the two of them? Kathryn had told him of their rocky relationship as children, but claimed that was behind them now. It didn't mean there hadn't been a flare-up of the old tension. Something as personal as a wedding was bound to bring emotions close to the surface.
Chakotay debated with himself for several more minutes before contacting Phoebe. He was surprised when her image came on the screen. There was no doubt she was Kathryn's sister, although there were enough differences that they wouldn't be mistaken for the other. Phoebe's hair was shoulder length and dark, and she had more freckles across her nose than her sister. The eyes that greeted him were the same shade of gray, almost making him start as he looked into them.
"Phoebe?" he asked, unnecessarily.
"Yes," she answered hesitantly. "Chakotay?" Phoebe observed the man gracing her viewscreen. Even though they hadn't been introduced, there was no mistaking the image before her. Kathryn's description certainly had been dead on! The dark, soulful eyes, salt and pepper hair, her sister hadn't left anything out. She could certainly understand Kathryn's attraction to him and they'd barely spoken.
"Yes," he answered, feeling a little awkward, calling Kathryn's family, trying to find her. He decided to be honest with her. "I'm looking for Kathryn. She requested some additional time off, and told no one, outside of the Admiral, how to contact her. I'm a little concerned."
"That does sound strange," Phoebe agreed. "Especially since she left our mother's yesterday. She said she had to get back to work, and with that, among other things, she decided to cut her visit short."
"Other things?" Chakotay asked, hoping she would clue him in.
"I'm really not at liberty to say," Phoebe told him. Although she knew of her sister's affections for this man, she felt protective of her as well. It was Kathryn's business whether she told him of the aborted marriage or not.
"Can you tell me where she is? I'd like to get a message to her," he pressed.
"I don't know for sure. . . .let me think." Chakotay could see Phoebe was deliberating. He didn't know if she knew where Kathryn was, and was trying to decide whether or not to tell him, or if she truly didn't know.
"Lake George," she finally said. "Yes, that's probably where she would have gone."
"Lake George?" the name sounded familiar, somehow, but he couldn't place it.
"Yes, our family has a cabin there," Phoebe told him.
Now he remembered. The day he met Kathryn, Nechayev had been making small talk, and Kathryn mentioned having vacationed at the lake. He also remembered the last time she had been there, Mark had accompanied her. Was he with her now? We're they having an early honeymoon? Was that the reason for the additional leave?
Chakotay chose his next words carefully. "Do you know if she'd be there alone?"
How much did Phoebe reveal? If Kathryn was at the lake, she was most definitely alone, but if she told Chakotay how to get there, she had the feeling it wouldn't be for long. She could see the concern on Chakotay's face wasn't that of a subordinate looking for a commanding officer. *Why did Kathryn have all the luck*, she found herself thinking. Chakotay was handsome, and Mark was no slouch either. How come *she* never had to choose between two men? Actually, she felt bad for Kathryn. She wouldn't be in her place for anything. Chakotay's interest in her sister seemed genuine. Kathryn wouldn't admit she needed to see him, to talk to him, but Phoebe knew she did. So she decided to tell him how to find her.
"Thanks, Phoebe, I really appreciate it."
"Tell her 'hi' for me, although I don't think it will take her too long to figure out who told you where to look."
"I will. Thanks again." Chakotay disconnected from Phoebe, and tried to think of an excuse he had to be out of the office and out of contact for the rest of the day.
*********
Kathryn was enjoying a late breakfast of fruit and cereal. Since there wasn't a replicator, she didn't trust herself to cook anything. When her mother was there, she actually cooked on the old wood stove, and occasionally over an open fire. Kathryn couldn't boil water without burning it, so she opted for the instant repast.
The air was decidedly warmer today and she had been able to sit on the porch with her breakfast dressed in only a sweater and pants. More of the ice would go off the lake today, especially if the sun shone as brightly as it was now. She saw "her" loon again and listened to it's occasional cries. More often than not, they were the lonely, "come find me" calls she'd heard throughout the night. She was about to take a spoonful of soggy cereal when she heard the unmistakable sound of someone walking up the path, boots crunching the dry leaves and twigs that littered the trail to the cabin. More curious than alarmed, Kathryn set her bowl down and peeked around the side of the porch. She was grateful she'd set her bowl aside, or else it would have crashed to the planking beneath her. How had he found her? She hadn't even told Nechayev her exact location, just a way to get a message to her if there were an emergency.
Chakotay came around the building and saw her face, features slightly distorted with her astonishment. "Hello, Kathryn," he simply said, for lack of anything better.
"Phoebe," she said, closing her mouth that had dropped open.
"Excuse me?" he asked, confused.
"My God damned sister!" she spat out, turning away from him. "She's the one who told you how to find me, wasn't she? I don't think Mom would have known."
"Yes, I called your sister. Kathryn, why are you so angry?"
"I would think that would be obvious! I came here because I wanted to be alone! To not be found! And what does my sister do, but tell you where to find me! Did she call you up as soon as I left?"
"Wait a second! I called *her* and she wasn't exactly forthcoming with the information! I practically had to drag it out of her. She's very protective of you," he added.
"Oh, that's apparent," she snorted.
"Kathryn, when you didn't show up for work today, I was worried."
"Didn't Nechayev fill you in?"
"She left me a memo saying you had requested some extra leave, and she had granted it for personal reasons, but she didn't say what those reasons are."
"So you don't know? The Admiral or Phoebe didn't tell you?" She couldn't believe he hadn't heard, that someone hadn't told him. She almost wished they had, to spare her from the task.
"Know what? Everyone keeps hinting at something, but no one will say anything! Kathryn, what's happened?" he asked, stepping closer to her, turning her around to face him. She looked up into his eyes, then quickly looked away again.
"I called off the wedding," she stated simply.
"You mean you pushed it back," he said.
"No, I mean it's over. Mark and I aren't getting married. Ever."
Chakotay released her, this time, he was the one to turn away, running a hand through his hair, as he contemplated her disclosure. What did this mean? Had she called it off because she had stopped denying her feelings for him? Or was there some other reason that had nothing to do with him? Did he dare hope she could feel the way he did? That maybe there was a chance for the two of them? He knew he had to go slowly, give her time. No doubt she was confused, and he didn't want to add an extra burden to her. He should go. Let her have this time to think things through, as she had intended when she came here. He had seen she was okay, there was no reason for him to stay, except he didn't want to go. Besides the draw she provided, the area around the cabin intrigued him as well, and he wanted to explore the lake and the terrain beyond with her. She probably had all sorts of hiding places and stories to tell him from her childhood visits, and he wanted to share that with her. Would she accept his request to stay if he promised not to pressure her? As he turned to face her, he saw she was standing with her arms wrapped protectively around herself, staring at him. His eyes met hers, and she again looked quickly away, unable to meet his gaze.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked quietly.
Kathryn contemplated her response. Part of her knew she should send him off, to work through her feelings free from outside influences. But another part wanted him to stay, to offer her support and provide her with some companionship, a shoulder to cry on. That was what the rational half of her brain was telling her. On a more basic level, she realized she wanted him to stay because she felt her excuses for avoiding him melting away. His presence had emphasized, once more, how attractive she found him, and in her emotional state, she needed him. She wanted to lose herself in him and forget all the pain she had caused, and was feeling herself. Did she want him to go?
"No," she whispered. Chakotay wasn't sure if he heard her. Was she allowing him to remain, or had his mind manifested the answer he wanted to hear?
"Stay," she said, this time her eyes met his.
The air practically sizzled between them, as they stared at each other. Desire was clearly etched on his features, and she knew her face reflected the same. Although it were mere seconds, it seemed to take a lifetime for her to cross the porch and throw herself into his embrace. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him so close, Chakotay felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. Kathryn wound her fingers into his hair, guiding his head closer to hers. She captured his mouth with her own and kissed him so deeply, she literally took his breath away. Surprised at her ardor, he was amazed at the urgency of her kiss, especially after the times she had rebuffed any romantic overtures on his part. Chakotay's arms slid around her and cupped her buttocks, pulling her closer still, his mouth unwilling to leave hers.
She was drowning, and she didn't care. He felt so good beneath her fingers, she couldn't stop touching him. All the times she had wanted to, but always held herself in check because of her principles. They were gone now. There was only him. Only this moment. She'd think about her wanton behavior later.
Kathryn's tongue danced with his as he pulled her closer. He tasted wonderful, the way she remembered from Dorvan V. The kiss that had haunted her these past weeks. And now, finally, she was kissing him again, but this time she wouldn't end it. She had every intention of finding out if his lips felt as good on the rest of her body, as they did on her mouth.
Running her fingers through his hair, she was reminded of an animal pelt, thick, dense, luxurious. The short length teased her fingers and was causing the most incredible sensations across her palms. Her senses had become heightened, and everywhere their bodies touched, her skin tingled. She couldn't wait to feel his skin against hers and began undoing the fastening of his shirt.
Kathryn hadn't noticed she'd been dragging him towards the interior of the cabin until she felt the bed against the back of her legs. The chill of the damp air had been dispelled by a small fire she had built in the wood stove, and the sweater she wore had become too warm and cumbersome. With a single, fluid motion she removed the heavy, wool garment, and let it drop to the floor, still clad in a turtle neck that was rapidly becoming a nuisance as well.
Chakotay continued to marvel at her boldness. He never would have thought Kathryn would be the one initiating things! Following her lead, he threaded his hands through the silky length of her hair. It felt like satin, flowing over his hands like water. As he held her head to his, to continue the kiss she had started, he wondered how he would leave her exquisite mouth to taste the rest of her. He never wanted that kiss to end. He was already aching with his need of her, and he'd barely touched her! He couldn't remember a time when he wanted a woman as he did her. This wasn't simple lust. There were ways to appease his body's basic needs. He wanted her on every level--spiritual, emotional, physical, and his need was making itself known, as his hard length pressed instantly against her stomach.
"Chakotay," she moaned as his hands discovered her breasts beneath her turtle neck. Her nipples hardened immediately at his touch, and ached for the feel of his mouth, his tongue on them. Again her hands left him long enough to divest herself of her remaining top, and to slip the his shirt from his shoulders, before returning to his chest. Raining tiny kisses down his throat, she traced the outline of his collar bone with her slim fingers, sending shivers down his spine. Mirroring her action, he ran his finger's along her clavicle allowing her to experience the same sensations he did. Taking a moment to remove his shirt from his arms, Kathryn took advantage of the temporary break in contact to work on the fastener of his pants. Purposefully, she ran her hand over the bulge she found there, and was rewarded with a moan, the sound causing the throbbing between her legs to increase. She continued her ministrations until he pushed her hand away.
"Not yet," he managed, his voice hoarse.
But Kathryn wouldn't be put off. She wanted him now. She was desperate to feel him inside her, to take away the pain surrounding her heart. Quickly, she eliminated the rest of her clothing and pulled him down with her to the bed, still working on getting him out of his pants. She was almost frantic, and Chakotay recognized her haste. She was using him to banish her ghosts, and he didn't want their first time together to be a frenzy of misplaced emotions.
"No," he said, sitting up from her. "This isn't how this should be. When we make love, I want it to be that. Love. I don't want to be some stud service to help you through an emotional crisis."
Kathryn felt as if he had slapped her. "I thought you cared about me," she said, tears coursing down her cheeks. She didn't know if they were from his rejection or her own embarrassment at her lewd behavior.
Chakotay gathered her in his arms, almost heedless of her naked body pressed against his. "I *do* care about you, Kathryn. That's why I won't take advantage of you like this. When we come together, I want there to be no regrets, no second thoughts. No blaming it on the circumstances and going back. When I give you my heart, I want you to be willing to accept it."
His words brought even more tears to her eyes and sobbed against his chest, helping to expel the grief she was feeling. Chakotay smoothed her hair, rocking her slightly and crooning nonsense words of comfort, as if he were quieting a child. They ended up laying on the bed, and as Kathryn's tears subsided, he realized she had fallen asleep, even though it were almost noon. Having surmised she'd spent a sleepless night, Chakotay was grateful she had relaxed enough to get some rest. Pulling an old, patchwork quilt over them both, he smiled as she snuggled closer to him in her sleep. This wasn't exactly how he had envisioned his day when he left for Headquarters this morning! The ensuing hours were proving to be one surprise after the other. Only the Gods knew where it would all end.
*********