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oh_bartender page full of bartender jokes... |
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| Home page | Last updated: December 16, 2002 |
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| "The Joketender" | ||||||||||||||||
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| I'd love to hear your stupid bartender jokes. If they are quick one liners you can put them in my guest book right above. If they are longer in content, please e-mail them to me at [email protected] I'll put the good ones I receive up here for others to enjoy, and give you credit if you so desire. |
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| Q: What is the difference between a woman's asshole and your refigerator? A: The fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat! Q: Do you know why hurricanes are usually named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and your car with them. Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? A: Fur traders! Q: What are the three words your wife hates to hear most when she's having sex? A: Honey, I'm home! Q: Did you hear about the car accident Lorena Bobbit got into? A: It wasn't her fault, some dick cut her off!!! Q: What is six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild? A: Money! Q: What do Osama Bin Ladin and General Custer have in common? A: They both sat around wondering where all the tomahawks were coming from. |
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| There is a sequel coming out of the popular TV show "Survivor". It's called, "Survivor Texas Style!" The contestants, all male, will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and then back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns". The first one to make it back to Dallas (alive) wins a million dollars. A drunk homeless guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme' whiskey!" The bartender politely tells him, "I'll need to see the money first." Our homeless friend tells the bartender, "I'm a little broke right now, but for some whiskey I'll get up on stage and fart "I did it 'My Way'." The bartender thought for a second and figured what the heck, he'd never heard of anyone doing that before. So he gave our friend a bottle of whiskey. The homeless guy smiled from ear to ear and drank the whole bottle. He then stumbled up on stage, lowered the microphone to waist level and turned around backwards to the audience. The audience went wild with applause. Then he dropped his pants and the crowd stood up and cheered. The homeless guy then proceeded to take a dump all over the stage. The audience was grossed right out, booed him and quickly left in disgust. The bartender screamed at the guy, "What the hell are you doing? You told me you were going to fart "I did it 'My Way', not shit all over my stage!" Our friend commented, "Hey, even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before doing that song!" A guy walks into a bar and sits down. His face was all bruised and bleeding. The bartender asks him, "What happened to you?" The guy replies, "I got into a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two bit whore." "Yeah", said the bartender, "and what did she do to your face?" The guy told the bartender, "She beat me half to death with a bag of quarters! A middle aged guy went to the hospital for a circumcision, but because of some sort of screw-up with his chart, he ended up having a complete sex change instead. All the doctors and nurses gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could break the bad news to him as gently as possible. Naturally the guy broke into tears and started screaming when they told him what happened. "Oh, no!", he moaned. "This means that I'll never be able to experience an erection again, ever!" One of the doctors re-assured him by saying, "Sure you'll experience an erection again, It'll just be somebody elses!" |
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| An Irishman, an Italian and a Pollock are in a bar drinking. The Irishman says, "This is a nice bar, but the Irish pub I drink in, when you buy a drink, then another, the owner buys you the third." The Italian says, "That's nice, but the Italian club I go to, everytime you buy a drink, the owner always buys the secon round." The Pollock says, "If you think that's great! The Polish club I go to, they buy your first drink, then your second and third. When your good and drunk, the owner makes sure you get laid before you go home!" His two buddies turn around to him and say,"This has really happened to you?" The Polish guy says, "No, not me! But it happens to my sister all the time!" A drunk went into a bar and sat down for a drink. After staring at the only woman in the place, he went over to her and grabbed her left breast. She jumped up and slapped him stupid. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife, you look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good, drunken son-of-a-bitch!", she screamed. "Funny", he muttered, "You even sound like her!" |
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