1301: Frankenstein Conquers the World (1965 Color)
Japanese cheese about a heart that's bathed in radiation and grows into a funny looking greenish giant. It's not as wild and wacky as I'd hoped, but it is MSTable and Frank is one goofy looking guy. There's a moment where he's struck by a car. Two doctors spot the injured boy from an apartment, but instead of going out to help, they toss him some bread!? In addition to that, the scene where some school kids find a beheaded bunny is a scream... literally! My personal riff: Frank tosses a television through a window and I shout, "SCTV is on the air!"

1302: Reptilicus (1966 Color)
We'll stick to the 60's and the theme of a full creature sprouting from a smaller body part: This tale is about a lizard tail that is unearthed, then grows into a giant monster which eats Copenhagen! I'd like to see them riff the European version because it has those extra touches of cheese the brains would delight in (a musical number and a flying model monster). But even without those scenes the movies a charm. The cartoon FX are hilarious, as when the monster eats a guy who becomes animation while being chomped on, or when it spits acid slime (check out Bad Movies.org to see a great clip of this action). Add in an annoying idiot janitor and 2 boy happy gals and 'Reptilicus' sets Denmark up as a target for another biting song sung by a Bot.

1303: The Devils Hand (1961 B&W)
Alan Alda's dad stars as a guy bewitched by a gal who belongs to the cult of Gamba. The cult leader is played by Neil Hamilton (Commissioner Gordon from the Batman TV series), who tests his members loyalty with a silly "wheel of swords". This flick grooves along the same lines as "Leech Woman", as it tries hard, but is too hackneyed to break its B-Movie bonds. The cult members are laughable - not really diabolical, they are more like bland suburbanites who sit around sipping iced tea. When they gather, instead of fearing evil deeds, I kept waiting for a game of twister to break out. Lacking suspense or even likable characters to root for, the movies one real joy is watching Hamilton ham it up - and every time he picks up a phone you know there would be a Batman quip at the other end.

1304: Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985 Color)
Oh this was a nasty little abomination - it's shooting for camp but is closer to crap. It's about some folks shipwrecked on an island of funny wooden dolls. The dolls are having a bad hair day and take out their frustrations by chomping on the poor castaways. Riffable material? There's an acid pool (which would need some editing due to gore), an argument about picking berries and a grumpy old guy who keeps getting his leg gnawed on (After a while that gets to be real funny as the hungry dolls keep going after that same spot, over and over again). I also especially enjoyed the hard to see scenes lit only by a camp fire. The fire crackles so loudly that it obscures much of the scintillating dialog. Very monotonous (it's mostly scenes of people walking through a forest) but definitely quipable in the same way the campy "Squirm" was

1305: Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster (1965 B&W)
Okay; lets return to the Frankenstein theme. This weird little flick is about aliens who come to Earth looking for breeding stock. Along the way they interfere with our space program and blow up a rocket manned by an android named Frank. There's lots of padding in this movie: From drawn out driving sequences to Aliens ogling women. The lead actress has no expressions but on the other end of the spectrum, there's a hammy alien called Dr. Nadir, who reminds me of a Jon Lovitz character on SNL... "ACTING!" Tedious, odd and MSTworthy.

1306: Man Beast (1956 B&W)
With Short: "The Talking Car"
Jerry "Batwoman" Warren's debut film. But if Jerry didn't take credit for what was mostly the work of 2nd unit director Ralph Brooke (Bloodlust), I'll eat my shorts. This is too competent for Warren. And yet, it's not too competent for MST. Scenery chewing actors do a lot mountain climbing (It's "Lost Continent" in the snow!) and go toe to toe against an "Abominable Snowman" and a strange old fart named Varga. The acting is funny, the first confrontation with the Yeti is funny, the climbing is not funny in the least. ARG!
"Well boil my radiator!" The short is about a convertible with a cartoon mouth who yells at kids that are simply trying to cross the street.

1307: Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970 color)
Al Adamson is one of the worst directors never to be MSTed. "Blood Monsters" is about some astronauts (lead by a very frail John Carradine) who fly to planet of space caveman vampires -or something like that- this multi colored planet gives Adamson a chance to splice in footage from several films that he must have found laying around. By God, this is just a horrid mess, but it's riffable beyond compare. I couldn't stop making fun of this wreck myself. From the opening dialog "Narrated by Brother Theodore"- To the cave planet with the constant animal noise that sounds like a cough -"It's Schlepcar", or maybe... "I think the director needs a Sucret"- Plus the script offers much -A space center tech says... "I feel so helpless just sitting here watching"- Your preaching to the choir sister. This would have been Mystery Science gold.

1308: CC and Company (1970 color)
Staying with the 70's but moving away from the horror genre which has dominated Season 13. This time the crew of the SOL tackles a biker flick. CC actually did well at the theaters, probably for its star power. Ann-Margaret plays a high society gal who falls for a low life biker (Joe Namath). Just when Joe thinks he's breaking away from his past, his old gang kidnaps Ann. This leads Namath to challenge them to a Bike-off in order to get her back - he wins of course and the two ride off into the sunset. Wooden acting highlights this poor flick. Namath was very cool in his time, but on screen he's as stiff as a board and I'd love to hear what riffs the guys would have directed at the former Jets QB.

1309: It: Terror From Beyond Space (1958 B&W)
With Short: "A Visit From Santa"
A half-way decent B movie that I once riffed on in an attempted fanvid. Storywise? It's "Aliens" in a nutshell, which provides ample opps for Ripley quips and what not. One of the actors went on to play the Priest in TVs Little House, The Captain has a 'Henry Fondaish' way about him and the monster was played by Crash Corrigan in an ill fitting suit (In one funny scene he quickly adjusts his head) So there's plenty of riff fuel.
I love the schemes they come up with to stop the creature; each one is illustrated with a "This could kill 50 men", or "This could knock out 100 men" and on and on from there. The script offers up fun with logic - as when one character tells the women to run! Uh, where - in circles? They're on a ship... floating in space... so it's not like they have a lot of running away room. And of course, it's always wise to set off explosives while your in a ship... floating in space...
The short is an ultra cheapie Christmas tale set in Pittsburgh. Water deprived kids ride to North Pole in Santa's magic Helicopter. Santa's a disheveled creepy guy -He tells the kids to hop on his lap, and I had them asking if he'd had his distemper shots- If this film is any indication, Christmas in Pittsburgh was one dreary holiday. Hilarious!

1310: Gymkata (1985 Color)
Elfin Kurt Thomas -1984 winner of the gold medal in gymnastics- plays a man named Cabot (oh yeah baby, that's a nice omen) who goes to a country called 'Parmesan?' in order to participate in a deadly event called "The Game" - If he wins the U.S. gets to install a "Star Wars" satellite in Parmesan in order to achieve world peace. This pile of poopie was often used as riff material and it's about time they gang gets to lay into the flick itself. Really rotten, so rotten it's a hoot! And it's funny how Kurt always happens to run into gymnastic-like structures throughout the game.

1311: Monster Dog (1984 Color)
What a promising idea, Shock-star Alice Cooper in a cheesy Italian werewolf movie? Unfortunately it never locks into the camp horror vibe found in Coopers concerts. Monster Dog is ponderous, with nary the spirit of fun I'd hoped for. Alice's sneering edge (with a wink and nudge) is non existent. Instead he comes off glassy eyed and lost - bored out of gourd by this story of a rock star who returns home to film his new video, and is beset by rednecks and angry pooches of every type.
Wooden acting, laughable script and a puppet creature that rivals the one seen in season nine's "Werewolf", all make for an MST worthy experience.

1312: Destroy All Monsters (1968 Color)
A very fun, watchable flick that is side splitting funny. Even a novice like me was riffing it like a pro. The story involves an alien race called the Kilaaks, who use coconuts to make the creatures from Monster Island attack the Earth. Seeing all these monsters, including Godzilla, is part of the fun - the dubbed dialog adds to the kicks.
Take the dude who tears a pair of earrings off a woman, holds them up and announces... "This is how they are controlling them". I didn't even need a quip - just the mental image of Godzilla with a pair of fetching baubles hanging from each side of his head, had me chuckling with delight.
Other highlights: A distinguished English gentleman walks on the screen - "Hey, Sir Laurence Olivier wandered onto the set!".
The multi colored uniforms, especially the guys in shiny brown helmets who looked like chocolate M&Ms.
The lines... "If we investigate the area... we'll find where the Kilaaks are"   and the gal who spouts the stinger-worthy, "Burning monster? I've never heard of one"
Great fun from top to bottom

1313: The Fists of Bruce Lee (1978 Color)
After Bruce Lee's untimely death; scores of cheap knockoffs were churned out. Flicks that exploited the great mans fame and name. This one stars (and was directed) by the grand-daddy of them all; a bland look a like named Bruce Li - and it is truly one of the worst films I have ever seen.
From the out of focus cinematography to the incoherent dubbing, it's laughably inept. The lead actor was given a nasal twang and the way the film was cut, we often can't see him work his kung fu as he disappears in one end of the screen or the other.
There's a character named 'Poo Chee Chan', also known as "Mr. Poo" - oh yeah, like Cornjob before him, Mr. Poo would instantly enter the MST pantheon of classically named characters. The Best Brains never riffed one of these movies, but they should have. I imagine Bruce Lee would have joined in the laughter, somewhere in the great beyond.

Special: Rejected! Movies Too Toxic for MST
How about rejected flicks? Yup, there were a few I threw out and many the BBI said no to. But why not include these in a clip show special? You could riff on the best scenes and talk about why they refused them? They could show clips from "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Terror Of Tiny Town". Others that could be included...
The Mesa of Lost Women: This is the worst move I've ever watched. The brains didn't want to do this and I can see why. It's mostly scenes of people "looking". There's a moment in the cafe they could rip on, but otherwise I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
The Sound of Horror (1964 B&W): This one I rejected for being too wordy. "TSOH" examines that long pondered question: "What if "Zorba the Greek" had an invisible dinosaur in it?" This Spanish made potboiler features treasure hunters, who spend more time talking (about "men on the moon" and what not) than in the actual pursuit of riches.
Pulgasari is a Korean Godzilla flick with a heavy political message. It's subtitled, which is the main reason I rejected it. Yet there are many highlights - One being when the pint sized rice doll creature springs to life and begins feasting on a few sewing needles.