Like most morbid children of my generation, I often wondered who killed John F. Kennedy (besides, as a Canadian, who do I have to look to? D’arcy McGee? We know who did that - it was witnessed in public…so was JFK’s, but you know what I mean…).

It is true the Warren Commission ruled Oswald acted alone, but need we point out who one participant in that investigation was? Gerald Ford. I rest my case…

I was sure the answer lay elsewhere. I rejected Cuban conspiracy, internal uprising, aliens and a branch plant of the Bermuda Triangle with a bad attitude.

After careful thought, there was only one conclusion (no, really).

JACQUELINE KENNEDY DID IT!

And her motivation, you ask?

It had nothing to do with Marilyn Monroe (not primarily – that may have been a slight consideration…). It was not pent-up female rage over the frustration of her ambitions as an intelligent woman in a charming weasel’s shadow (not directly).

The answer lay in an innocuous piece of information I stumbled across in a book of Presidential trivia, though I suspect that this was planted by someone who knew the truth, but did not want to fall victim to a scheme outlined further on in this expose, and did not think putting the message in a manipulated bowl of alphabet soup or masked backwards on LPs was obscure enough to risk.

*The surviving spouse of a President gets free postage for life.*

We can only conclude, given her future career as an editor, that she figured such a perk would come in handy.

Since Marilyn Monroe was an intelligent, perceptive woman, and had access to the White House, it is possible she stumbled across evidence of Jackie’s long-term scheme and had to be eliminated.

With that obstacle out of the way, and Robert being bought off with coverup of HIS affairs and Jackie’s subtle manipulation to get him the Attorney-General post long before he could have been qualified by experience, while Edward was promised, in exchange for HIS complicity, that, should he ever go over a bridge and leave a female companion to drown, the family would be persuaded to keep him out of jail, the conspiracy could go ahead.

Needless to say, the Secret Service was promised enormous amounts of Kennedy cash and Bouvier bucks to be involved. Governor Connolly of Texas was not in on the plot initially, and was shot as an afterthought to try and silence him, but, as he survived, his bills were paid off in exchange for his close-mouthedness in future (there is, of course, no evidence of this, the ultimate PROOF of a multi-tentacled conspiracy).

Oswald and Ruby actually WERE involved, but the former was backup in case the first scheme failed, while the latter was supposed to get Oswald out of Dallas (again, no proof, and thus a lock for truth). There IS Ruby’s curious statement about how he shot Oswald to ‘spare Mrs. Kennedy the ordeal of a trial.’ Of course, it was really to spare her the problem of watching her alibi collapse, and Oswald had to be eliminated in case he spilled the beans. Needless to say, Ruby’s own death in 1967 was part of the plot too, as even mainstream accounts suggest he was making curious statements to his overseers that might have been precursors to HIS revealing the monstrous plan.

Zapruder, the cameraman who caught the closest footage of the procession on that fateful November day, was ALSO in on the plan, as he COULD have adjusted his camera setting to reveal what happened in those fateful frames while the car was obscured by the street sign, but was not going to, obviously.

During those crucial seconds, Jackie shot Kennedy with a gun mounted in her pillbox hat, which, as the footage reveals, was very close to him at the fatal instant (in fact, her jumping up on the back of the car was carefully calculated so as to dislodge the weapon and send it rattling under the procession, where a Secret Service man (who is seen running off in the footage) grabbed it, ran to the grassy knoll and disposed of it in a sewer grate (thus explaining the shadow in that location at more or less the time of the shooting, and also revealing why no investigator was able to solve that mystery)).

Therefore, the real reason Jackie failed to change her suit after the shooting was not actually shock, but, rather, because the blood on it was concealing the slight powder burns resulting from the ‘hit’.

Needless to say, in the years after the shooting, Jackie was hard-pressed to keep up all the payments to the hundreds and hundreds of witnesses that her massive undertaking required. One of the reasons she laid low and avoided being seen in public very much was in order to try and avoid those to whom she owed so much hush money.

Eventually, to the shock of both her and anyone who was a close observer of the Kennedy clan in action, Robert developed a conscience and wanted to come forward – in fact, in a moment unrecorded by history, he had confided his dilemma to a clergyman named Martin Luther King Jr. History does record what happened next, however…

In order to cover up her role in those killings, Jackie had to mobilize resources beyond even HER command to shut people up – hence, the whirlwind ‘romance’ and marriage to Aristotle Onassis.

Unfortunately for her, Ari left it all to Christina, as she discovered after his death from a ‘heart attack’. While there was very little for her to do about this, in a brief moment of weakness and spite, she did arrange the ‘tragic death’ of the heiress.

By now, Jackie was spiralling out of control, even suing a reporter and obliging him to stay to the limits of photographic technology away from her at all times (one wonders if this restraining order eventually extended to satellites in orbit). Of course, this was a form of the ‘Tell Tale Heart’ syndrome – she was afraid proximity would reveal the stress and strain of her monstrous, if completely understandable, deed on her (but, in her defence, stamps are expensive…). She never really wanted to kill – she was not naturally evil (yes, a Morrissey reference) – she was just doing what she felt had to be done. Nevertheless, guilt began to take its toll.

Towards the end of her life, she was even dating another older millionaire, who was, however, married. Perhaps she hoped that she could eventually persuade him to leave his wife so she could access his resources to pay off the hounds baying at her heels…

As the curtain began to go down, she was clearly running out of hope and was perhaps even a little troubled. After all, she both edited and wrote the foreword for Michael Jackson’s inexplicable, unrevealing autobiography Moonwalk (while one is tempted to conclude that Michael somehow was in on the conspiracy and was being paid off in this fashion, one must remember that he WAS five years old when Kennedy was shot, and, besides, he had already committed enough crimes against music by then that Jackie would only have had to bide her time for murder, unpopularity or molested children’s testimony to take him out…).

It is possible she really DID die of cancer. However, despite and because of no proof, it is also possible that the Secret Service (who DO guard a President’s surviving spouse for life – a perk that might have been up there on the stupid-to-take-advantage-of scale with Indira Gandhi not firing her Sikh guards after she raided that religion’s temples in 1984) grew tired of waiting and took matters into their own hands…

Unfortunately, the conspiracy has a life of its own. It was no coincidence that John Kennedy Jr. died around the anniversary of Edward’s unfortunate car accident/homicide, quite close to its geographical location in fact – it was a hint to the family, who learned about the plot at Jackie’s death (but are now too intimately bound up in it to speak the truth).

And let us not forget Rose Kennedy, who died unexpectedly at the age of 103 or so. Was she about to speak out too? We will never know.

Why has Edward been allowed to live, you ask, when so many other Kennedys (including members of Edward’s family) have not been so fortunate? Perhaps the conspirators have a sense of humour and/or pity and/or spite – one has only to look at his life, the fact that he will never be President, the sniggering jokes that accompany him everywhere he goes, and the mess he has made of things to realize he is already leading the life of a zombie NOW.

And you may ask (it is a question that comes up with startling frequency) why I have been allowed to live, given that I know the truth, when other would-be snitches have been silenced? Perhaps the conspirators have a sense of humour and/or pity and/or spite…