LOVE THING FOR YOU

 

As the Bard tells us, the course of true love did never run smooth (perhaps he should have got  advice from Marlowe about lube…).  What follows are tales from the battlefield Pat Benetar and Belle & Sebastian have explored, including  misinformation and failed reconnaissance missions.

                                                          

WALT:  My first crush was on our phys-ed teacher. It was my first year of high school, and his first year of teaching. He was big, and handsome, smart, and nice.

 

Years later, after he retired from teaching, he contacted me at work, to invite me out for lunch.

 

I almost had the vapours.

 

It turned out he was trying to get me into his Amway sales group.

 

I have never recovered.

 

ROBIN D’URSIS:  I had a crush on my high school buddy for years and years.  We were as close as two boys can be without sex...dammit!!

 

At the end of our relationship (he married, I didn’t…at least not to a woman), he cornered me in his and his wife’s bedroom -and I know what he wanted.  I told him ‘bye bye’ and that was that!!!

 

TIMMYBEAR:  Well, most of my crushes, I’ve figured out in retrospect, which allows for wishful thinking, revisionist history and faulty memory…but that makes it more fun…

 

For example, as I’ve said elsewhere, I can remember that I enjoyed going to Sunday School with one of my pals, because his mother took corners too fast and we were always crashing into each other on the back seat.  He was probably also one of the people I enjoyed roping in childhood play (when Cowboys and Indians was proposed, I chose ‘Indian’ because they got to do the tying up…probably not historically accurate, but I was willing to distort the narrative for this end…).

 

On which point, I never failed to catch Bonanza, because Michael Landon frequently ended up bound and in peril on that show (cf. Dukes of Hazzard, though, by that point, I was more AWARE that I liked it).

 

In the Seventies, I remember quite liking Lyle Waggoner (Carol Burnett, Wonder Woman) and Patrick Duffy (Man from Atlantis), not to mention whoever played the Daddy on Land of the Lost and both Bigfoot and Wildboy.  While I would hardly say I had crushes on them, I thought Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde were cool too.

 

On the other hand, as proof that I really AM a dyke in denial, I was also fond of Jodie Foster, Kristy McNichol and, later, Joan Jett.  And dare I point out my affection for Anne Murray (I lived in Nova Scotia for much of the Seventies) and Carole Pope?

 

As to real crushes, again, I spent most of my childhood, adolescence and twenties  trying to avoid reality (you may have guessed from some of the above).  However, let us list Mr. E., Scott, Jason, Mark, Kurt, Russell, Lynn and Shauna without comment.  You could ask if you wanted - and I might tell you…

 

I could list Arne, but he’s more a pressing weight against my chest (in a good way) than a crush.

 

In case you figured I had no contemporary crushes, I cite Ashton Kutcher from The Butterfly Effect, though there might be indirection there, in a line going from him to Demi Moore to (woof) Bruce Willis.  Still, I lust for a bearded boy who can get down on his knees before rough trade AND display a  killer instinct.  By extension, I’m waiting for Charlize Theron in MONSTER, kiddos…J