THE PERFECT POETRY/LITERATURE, FLOWERS, CLOTHES AND MOOD MUSIC FOR COMMITTING CRIMES AGAINST NATURE

POETRY/LITERATURE

1. The collected works of John Preston.  Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than the literary evocation and inspiration of whips, chains, nipple clamps and gags – and, assuming s/he survives, your bottom will thank you profusely for it (though you should not expect much coherent praise during the session, given the fact that you have most likely shoved a gigantic rubber ball (in a loving way) into his/her mouth and fastened it firmly but kindly behind his/her head…).

2. ‘Please Master’ by Allen Ginsberg.  A tender ode to rough sex that will set the tone for the evening (though the little bells you have attached to the nipple clamps, as suggested by the above writer’s work, will also chime in periodically…).

3. ‘Come Hither’ by Gloria Brame or ‘Sensuous S/M Magic’ by Pat Califia.  Fiction and pretty verse are all very well, but, if you are going to have a realistic relationship, a little practical theory rooted in non-fiction and field testing could help too…and who better to turn to for this than a perverted heterosexual woman and a trans fag?

    

   4.      A whole stack of Harlequin romances.  I mean, if your beloved isn’t begging you to tie him/her up and misuse him/her terribly by the end of those sugar overdoses, you’ve got yourself one seriously rough piece of trade (which, again, you might like – but must everything be a battle?).

    

    

   FLOWERS

    

   1.      For the boys, a nice bunch of calla lilies (yeah, they’re big, and they might evoke photographs by Robert Mapplethorpe (the ones people actually own, rather than the ones they say they defend in the name of free speech but would never actually display when Mother came over)…but, after all, they ALSO conjure up pictures of Walt Whitman, thanks to the Calamus section of Leaves of Grass (now, I suppose you expected I would mention him in the Literature section – but start into one of his poems and you might never get around to fucking that evening…), and this softy bear considers that a VERY, VERY good thing * woof *).  For the girls, any kind of flower that looks like those vagina pictures by Georgia O’Keefe (yes, I know, they’re flowers…whatever…), preferably something in a nice shade of lavender.

    

   2.      For the kinkier among you, or for those who recognize that, while your lover’s thumb might serve for any number of intimate purposes, it has no affinity for gardening, you might consider a nice leather (or, if such a thing exists, pleather) rose or two.  Goodness knows such a thing turned my head (the one on my shoulders…mostly…) once upon a time, early on in our highly deviant relationship.

    

   3.      If you’ve got a trick who’s into being mistreated and humiliated, you might consider bringing just the stems, or perhaps dead flowers, or maybe even rip up the prize winning petunias they laboured to get to grow in such a cold climate and terribly poor soil and say: ‘Here, bitch! I’m not spending money on flowers for scum like you – take ‘em or leave ‘em…’.  They’d love you for it, I’m sure…

    

   4.      Needless to say (and at the risk of encouraging your trick to switch on you and gag YOU…which you might want…), tulips are always fine (Get it? TWO LIPS!? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk…).

    

    

   CLOTHES

    

   1.      Wear your most formal leather vest, body harness and jaunty leather Gatsby.First impressions are important, especially if you intend to leave any impressions on your date…

    

   2.      Don’t forget the rubbers.  This may be interpreted as hip waders (I don’t know what kind of sick perversions you’re into) or condoms or ‘big boy pants’ or head to toe wear that you should not don in August if you’re intending to get it off without embarrassing squelchy sounds  - feel free to use that imagination that teachers foolishly encouraged in grade school…

    

   3.      On the other hand, should you be the sort who bursts in the door, grabs your beloved and hauls him/her down the hall by the hair, while vocalizing all the terrible things you are going to do to him/her once you get him/her strapped to the bed, perhaps it is best to wear clothing that can be pulled off over your head or even ripped and cheap, and to strongly suggest to your victim/paramour that s/he should just have emerged from the shower and has mysteriously answered the door in the altogether.

    

   4.      Having said this, should you be into more of a challenge, perhaps a woman could wear something with multiple hooks, snaps, zippers, clasps and fasteners, and a man could be dressed head to toe in formal wear (cummerbunds, shoes with both laces and buckles, ruffled shirts, vests, etc.).  That might make the eventual unveiling all the more exciting…

    

    

   MOOD MUSIC

    

   1.     For early in the evening, assuming any pretense of polite dining, conversation and social niceities is to be maintained, maybe something gentle, romantic and perverse, along the lines of Hidden Cameras, Tindersticks, Divine Comedy or Belle and Sebastian.  Perhaps the slightly altered tunings of Cassandra Wilson or the dykey lounge of Patricia Barber too…

    

   2.     Once you get past that, you could slip in something like Joan Jett’s ‘Love Is Pain’ or ‘Torture’, or maybe even Chris and Cosey’s ‘Beat Me’, just to show a bit of the hand you intend to either make them kiss or to use in surprising ways…

    

   3.     Of course, you have already secreted a CD player in the bedroom to be triggered by remote control at the appropriate moment to play that truly evil Half Japanese/Shaggs/Yoko Ono/Metal Machine Music medley you spent ages editing together.  It is best that your fuckbuddy be suitably restrained and muffled when that starts, as s/he may start to buck and toss back and forth wildly, trying desperately to get at the power button for the insidious stereo device…

    

   4.     In a similar vein, but perhaps for when some of the fight is worn down and as a sop, you could play the more gentle and lyrical moments of Jad Fair’s solo work.  I mean, who couldn’t get behind the sentiment of: ‘The poet Keats said to the poet Browning – Roses are Red, Violets are Blue – upon which Shelley threw up his hands – he was speechless and so am I.’? Just because someone has a voice like nails on a chalkboard (assuming your trick doesn’t like that sound) doesn’t mean he can’t be tender when he wants to be (just like you).

    

   5.     Should this relationship actually go somewhere other than the emergency room, may I suggest you make your theme song The Smiths’ “Barbarism Begins At Home?”  You could boogie to it, while still reminding your boy/girl that, should s/he get unruly, you could take them in hand (make of that what you will).

    

    

    

    

    

   Remember…love means sometimes having to say you’re sore… you always hurt the ones you love…love is strange…and that love is the drug you’re thinking of (and that it isn’t always necessary to just say ‘no’ to drugs…)

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   STRAPPED DOWN TO THE POETRY CHAIR
   Intoxicating,
   The liquor of furry legs
   Will drive me to drink.
   
   4-29-04, Timmybear