Well, I have been back at work now for about two weeks. It is still as dull and tedious as ever, but at least it�s not as busy or quite so crazy as summer was. I still would rather be doing something else but unfortunately I can�t figure out just what it is I would rather be doing. I usually end up just living inside my mind, daydreaming and fantasizing about everything other than what I am doing. I imagine what it would be like to be on Survivor or traveling to far off places. Heck, half the time I simply imagine walking up in the woods rather than getting off my butt and actually doing it. The realm of imagination has always been a very powerful realm for me. So much so that I have often even been able to evoke physical responses to mere thought. Running from something fierce in a jungle can actually get my heart pumping and my breath to become heavy. I can summon phantom pain and often get goose bumps with a mere thought. But even though I can imagine quite realistically , I have no problem separating fact from fantasy.
I have noted another thing lately that has been a bit odd. As I am sleeping I am aware on some level of consciousness. This is nothing new to me, but it has not happened so consistently for some time. I will be sleeping and dreaming but there is a part of my mind that is just on the edge of consciousness which is aware that I am dreaming and lying in bed. I have been noticing this I think mostly because my dream cycles seem to be happening just before the time my alarm clock goes off. My mind is aware of time somehow and knows that the alarm will be going off in a few moments and it is as if I am trying to finish the dream before the alarm sounds. It brings about a sense of anxiety and I end up waking up just before the clock strikes the hour. It doesn�t help me to remember the dreams however and like always they fade after a short time.
Another strange thing as of late has been odd body responses as well as unexplained bruising. I have noticed that my pain threshold has increased and that there are a lot of little �twinges� going off as well as odd moments of numbness. There are lots of little pain firings and sometimes some muscles just begin twitching. The odd pains are not as bothersome as usual and it�s pretty fascinating when a muscle in my arm or leg just starts jumping by itself. The numbness usually happens in my feet but have also been on my nose and ears, my fingers and once even my whole left arm. The bruising is the most mysterious of all these occurrences. I have not really ever been one to bruise much, but lately I have found a number of odd bruises in places that I have no remembrance of obtaining. Such as the one a few weeks ago on my right side oblique. It was rather large and for the life of me I can remember nothing happening to me that would explain what caused it. There was no pain around it but a very slight bit of soreness if I poked firmly at it. And then just yesterday I found a small quarter sized bruise on my left bicep. Again I can remember nothing which may have caused it and there is no pain or soreness at all associated with this one. The one on my side seemed like a fairly deep bruise, but the one on my bicep seems topical at best, sort of like a hickey. Both of these were purple/black as a usual bruise would be but there was one on my left pectoral muscle last week which was more yellow/green. That one had no pain either and all of them were a bit of a surprise to me when I saw them. It makes me wonder if there were others that I simply didn�t notice since I don�t really make it a habit of looking over my body. Oh well, I guess I will just chalk it all up to getting older.
I still can�t seem to get my mental focus as clear as I would like it to be, but that is a difficulty I have had ever since I can remember. I began writing an article about gay Christianity and how the recent ordination of a gay bishop is affecting society but as usual I just couldn�t find the motivation to actually finish it. It seems that I lose interest in things so much quicker now than in the past. I guess it�s pretty much a discipline problem since I can�t seem to follow through from the idea conception stage into the action completion phase of a project. It�s always been that way for me. I am great at and excel at idea conception, and I usually start things, but then I lose interest and rarely finish a project. This is a problem associated mostly with creative processes however and not with work or chore related things. Examples would be me never finishing my Native American style necklace, my fiction based book about the fantasy world I created, this latest article or the staff/walking stick I began. All creative subjects. But when it comes to things like mowing the lawn, trimming the hedges, digging out dirt for the pond or whatever I will work nonstop for the entire day until it gets done and I achieve the set goal for that day. I have had successes in the past however when I actually �knuckled down� and put forth the effort. Such as getting my journal online, finishing and maintaining my website every few months and creating my little photo tips booklet. But all these took a large degree of effort in self discipline.
Oh well, I am bored now with writing and I fear this entry will seem quite dull when I go back and read it, but I figured I should write something this month at least to record my overall state of mind and being. Life is full of ups and downs and I should include a bit of it all. Even if it does seem dull, for that is a part of life too. So with that I end here.
