Today started out great. I was able to get to bed last night by midnight and I woke up around 6am and started my day. I did my work out, showered, shaved and all that and was off to church service at 9:30. The service was nice. Conservative as I prefer, but very relaxed with a strong sense of fellowship. I actually recognized a few folks too. One being Betty from the bank and the other being Janice who walks by my house on her morning exercise excursions. I also made sure to set a time to see the pastor on Thursday at 10am. Perhaps I can get a bit more insight as to what led me there. I definitely feel it has something to do with her and not so much the church, though I do like the place so far and plan to attend weekly.
After the service I decided that since it was such a lovely day, though a bit cold, I would take a drive up to OhioPyle and get some good fall pictures. It was in the low 40�s, but with the hiking and such I never felt it. In fact, I had to take my jacket off for a while since I was sweating! It seems I am destined never to eat at the OhioPyle Caf� as it was closed yet again. The day was so very wonderful and I think I got several great pictures along the several miles of trails I walked. And not only that, I also chatted with a few folks. The first was a man and his wife. The guy�s name was Mike and his wife continued on the trail after a minute and I forgot her name. We had a nice chat and I even suggested a great photo shot for him. I met them on the trail on the return trip to my truck and I gave him my website URL since he asked about my photo skills. This also makes me wonder about something else. For a while now I have had some strange sense about the name Michael, as if someone with that name will enter into my life and have some effect on it. Not Mike which was what this fellow introduced himself as, but Michael. I find myself wondering if there is another lesson soon on it�s way with this person, whoever he may be. And I wonder if I am meant to teach, to learn or both. Time will tell I suppose.
On my return trip I came across an older gentleman about a half mile from the truck. His name was Lawrence. He was 73 years old and was taking the trail like a trooper. We sat and talked for what must have been at least an hour and a half. We found so much common ground and he had several suggestions for further excursions for me in the area. It�s amazing to me how easy it is for me to talk to people and feel comfortable with them right away when it�s one on one or only a few, even when I don�t know them. But when I get around a group or a crowd I find it so hard to feel comfortable. I don�t think so much that it�s self consciousness since I have no problems doing things or just being there, but when it comes to involving myself with a group I feel so very uncomfortable. If it�s a group of people I know it�s not a problem, but strangers are harder.
I am not sure, but I think it has to do with my intuitive senses. When I am around only one or two people I can still manage to divert attention on �sensing� them and feeling a connection with them, but with a group there is just so much �going on� that I can�t keep my bearings and don�t really get to know anyone. I can chat with one person I feel a bond with and do all right, but it�s as if the rest of the group fades away. What I typically end up doing is sitting and watching until I feel I know most of the group (in the case of recurring groups) and then I feel comfortable. This is how it was with the Tracyoats. That first meeting I was very uncomfortable, but the last time we got together I had already come to know them and there was no sense of discomfort whatsoever.
The other strange thing is that if it is a guy that I find attractive in any way, even if it�s only one on one, I still am stand-offish. Women however, I can usually gain an instant rapport with. It must have something to do with my reluctance to the possibility of a relationship. I tell myself that it is because I don�t want the drama and know that I probably wouldn�t be very interested in the same degree of sexual activity as most guys, but I must wonder if there is something more to it all. Are there lingering subconscious repressed issues within my psyche? If so it merely manifests as a shying away of any sort of serious pursuit so far as a relationship is concerned. Am I commitment phobic? Or is it simply my intellectual reasoning? I did not feel so hesitant with Matt those 2+ years ago. I felt confident with him and had no discomfort in exploring and expanding that relationship, even though it never really became too emotionally involved. But then I think somewhere within myself I knew that it would never progress to a serious commitment. I guess I will have to give it more thought, but regardless, I don�t feel distressed about any of it. I simply find it all very curious.
Well, these are the thoughts on this, what was a very beautiful day. I felt so very at peace and I must say that it was the best day I have had in a long time. Everything about this day was just wonderful. Right up to the drive home and sitting here watching a movie, and it all started with the intent of getting up early to celebrate my love for Christ at the church. But now, this day has ended. It is 11pm and time to get my little behind to bed!
Sunday November 10th, 2002: A Bat Ballet
What a beautiful day this turned out to be! I woke up around 6am and it was overcast and it even rained a bit. I got up, played a few games of solitaire and then took my shower to get ready for my day. Even as I got to church and entered the building it was still raining a bit. But after the service, which touched me deeply, I walked outside to find that the sun had come out and the temperature had risen past 60 degrees. The air was fragrant with the smell of the woods in fall and I smiled as I drank in the sensations all about me.
I went to the supermarket after service and spent much more than I should have, but there were just so many good sales that I couldn�t resist. Most of the things I bought are not perishable anyway, so they will keep. When I got home I unloaded the groceries and started watching an old tape that Dennis had made for me and cooked a stuffed steak and creamed corn. I made an early supper of it and enjoyed it immensely. But after I finished eating I just couldn�t sit in the house anymore. The day was too nice to be cooped up. I had went for a walk yesterday and decided that today I would devote myself to getting some work done around the house. I figured I would start by taking a pile of leaves and pine needles back to the brush pile that I had raked up last week.
I had finished that and yet felt motivated to do more. I got the rake out and raked all around the front of the house and carport. I brushed off the bushes around the front and side and moved everything off the front porch and swept it all up real good. Still, I did not wish to stop just yet. I began raking up the front yard and before it got dark I managed to get half of the front yard done. I now have two piles under the pines that are about four feet high each! My how that stuff builds up! Well, since it was getting dark, and I had several blisters forming, I decided to stop for the day. I went inside and got a drink and sat on the front steps. Even though it was only 65 degrees, I was sweating heavily.
As I sat on the steps I noticed several little brown bats buzzing around, snatching up the insects which I had stirred up from raking the grass. There were four of five of them and they seemed to be so very joyful in their endeavor. They would swoop to and fro and chase one another. They appeared as though they were dancing a joyful dance. I found myself giggling with delight every time one would come within five feet of where I was sitting. Sometimes they swooped quickly, other times they nearly hovered in one spot. It was just so very delightful and a beautiful site to behold, these tiny little mammals dancing on the wind as if putting a show on just for me. As I watched them I thanked God for giving me the ability to take such joy in so simple a moment. Just sitting on the porch, sipping my beverage after a productive day and witnessing with genuine appreciation, the beauty of his creations.
It makes my heart so very glad that he takes these times to speak to me and tell me that he loves me. And that is exactly what these moments are. I know it by the feelings of love, joy and appreciation that I feel in them. Today God has told me that he loves me when he sent the bats to dance for me.
Sunday November 17th, 2002: Witnessing hope
My goodness, Sundays are turning out to be pretty interesting this month. A few things to note here. One is the fact that a man named Dan Mosier had e-mailed me on the 10th of this month (last Sunday). He is an author and historian for the old coal mining town of Tesla and the area and events associated with it. It seems he came across my website on a search engine and read what little I wrote about my own experiences with the old town site. As soon as I saw his name in my inbox I knew who it was since I had read his book about the history of Tesla twice already. We have been corresponding much this last week about our mutual interest. He was very kind in offering to send me a complimentary copy of his book and in return for that I felt it justified to send him an artifact I had found at the old site of some possible significance, a token printed with the words �work check 1�. I must admit that I very much enjoy sharing this mutual interest with him and look forward to the possibility of going on an excursion to the town site with him when I next visit CA.
This Sunday started out pretty normally with me getting up and ready for church. It was a nice service as usual and there were points during the Pastor�s sermon that I felt may have drawn some influence or such with some of the things she and I discussed previously. Perhaps not drawn from our conversations, but at least serving as an exclamation point of those discussions. At those certain points she often looked over to me and gave me a knowing grin and I smilingly nodded my head back in acknowledgement.
This coming Tuesday I have committed myself with a few others from the BiGLM group to speak before a human sexuality class on our experiences as gay individuals. I know I will be nervous as all get out, but I want to do it very much and face my fears. It�s not at all the fact of what we will be discussing that makes my knees knock, but the simple fact of public speaking. I have always been anxious about getting up in front of a crowd. I will shake, stutter and maybe even make a fool of myself, but I can deal with that. It is an opportunity to share my experiences with others and may perhaps serve to foster acceptance of diversity and provoke thought. I plan on talking about how much a part God plays in my life as a gay man to glorify him as well since he is the other major factor in my life. I hope it goes well and that I can serve to help educate and maybe even demystify some stereotypes.
The other interesting occurrence today was at the P-FLAG meeting. I went alone since my meeting companion was busy with other endeavors. The group was sparse today with only eight of us and the two guests speakers. Four of the eight were faces I hadn�t seen before. Three of those four were a family consisting of a mother, her son and her husband. As we sat in discussion during our sharing hour the family talked about this young boy coming out at school recently. He is in 7th grade and has been faced with sexual harassment by fellow students due to his gender identity/orientation. It made my heart glad to have them there for several reasons. First and foremost I was joyful that his parents loved and accepted him and showed it by coming as a family to the meeting in hopes of learning more about the things they are facing and how they might deal with it. Second was that we in the group could be there for them in whatever way to encourage and support them as a family and as individuals. Third was the fact that our guest speaker who was there was speaking about just the very topic of sexual oriented diversity in schools and the role of GLSEN (The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) to confront these very issues and work toward solving them. I also shared with them my website info in case they might be able to glean something from my journals and my e-mail if they would like to contact me for any reason.
One of the most interesting things about today is that one of the names of one of these four new folks happens to be Michael. I wrote about this earlier in the month. Is this the one who is meant to touch my life or be touched by mine? It feels right to me. I hope that I can serve to encourage or support in that loving way that God encourages in me. And even if this is not the Michael I have been getting a sense about, there is still the opportunity to foster goodwill and compassion here. These �intuitions� give subtle clues of direction in my life and mystify my intellect most of the time, but often in retrospect I can see the results of what they were pointing to which almost always turn out very positive and hence I trust the subtle voice of �all is as it should be�.
Tuesday November 19th, 2002: Things are going my way!
Today I went to WVU with five other members of BiGLM and spoke in front of a human sexuality class to discuss my experiences of being gay. It was primarily a question and answer type forum and I found it remarkable that I was barely nervous at all about it. I spoke much more freely and confidently than I ever expected I would. I likewise was able to share with the class how important my faith in God and Jesus is to me and how being gay does not necessarily conflict with my faith. I must admit that I enjoyed it immensely. I guess I surprise myself more and more at what I find myself capable of accomplishing. I thought I would be a nervous wreck, but for the most part I found that I was quite comfortable, even more so than I usually am at meetings where I am not up in front of others speaking. My knees didn�t knock once and I spoke much more confidently than I ever had in the past in such situations. I must say that I feel pretty good about myself.
After the forum, me and two of the guys went to BW3 (Jeff and Rob�s Buffalo wing sports bar in Morgantown) to hang out. We met a couple of gals there that one of the guys knew and had a nice time. After the night wound down we went back to the Mountain Lair and I bid the guys good night, got in my truck and headed home. I stopped at the Shop and Save and as I was walking in, the manager was cleaning the rugs near the front door. He recognized me as I said hi to him, calling him by name. He asked me if I could come in to see him for an interview on Thursday morning. I gladly agreed. All in all it was a fantastic day.
