It started in my sign language class. We were to break up into groups as normal and practice vocabulary and the lessons for the week. As usual, I found myself a bit stand-offish and this time I refrained from joining a group. Those old self doubting feelings crept in and prevented my joining in. I instantly began examining my feelings and found myself writing down some of those feelings. What I wrote is as follows:
How can he describe the feeling? Is it the knotting feeling in his gut? The reluctance to go on, yet knowing that he must take the next step? Perhaps it goes even deeper. Is it the feeling that he is afraid of real success and real accomplishment? Can it be rooted in his feelings of inferiority of those who are more knowledgeable or more experienced? He is always seeking answers and posing questions, yet he remains overly hesitant to share even the smallest of discoveries for fear of rejection or condescendence.
His soul had been damaged, his spirit partially broken. Like a mighty oak that had been struck by lightning, his growth has become slow and stunted. The risks may seem too great, too soon, yet he perseveres. A desire to break free from the hurts of the past must be nurtured. But for how long? Years?��an eternity. The first step is taken and the ones following are hesitant and shaky. But he hasn�t fallen yet. He has a driving need to be sure of himself. Knowing how to walk and understanding the process are a world of difference.
But the path to understanding is being trodden. Before recently there was stagnation, no movement or progress. But the still pool has begun to stir. A small pebble removed willingly from the great barricade of fear has released a trickle of the waters of confidence, hoping someday to swell into a great river of strength of will for all to see and gather encouragement from.
But for now he pulls one stone at a time, takes the next shaky step and grows yet another branch on the tree.
Looking at my life as it was, and what it is becoming proves a constant source of hope for the future. And when I think of it, I owe the largest part of it to God for bringing someone into my life to show me what life is truly about. Someone whose mere presence helps me to put things into perspective and has shown me that the answers all lay in a book breathed from the lord himself. For this I am eternally grateful. Thank you Jesus for all you have done in my life and please be with me always. Thank you for showing me how to trust once again and for bringing hope into my life where there was nothing but despair before. And most of all help me be a tool to help other people to come to this understanding.
I have heard that trust is a hard earned thing, but it is a reward well worth the effort.
~FIN
