I find myself asking if my mother�s actions truly merit the blame or if I am being bothered by many things and putting them all on her. Several points shall follow.
Point one: I started feeling strong contempt for her right after she told me her check had bounced to my insurance company. Up until that point I only viewed her with a minor annoyance. After that, I found myself loathing her. This I consider a key point.
Point two: When Derek told me his mom wanted my help with the truck to help her move I had a very negative reaction. I felt there were expectations put on me and that there was an attempt to create a feeling of obligation upon me.
Point three: I find myself constantly bothered by Alicia�s constant comments about little things which don�t concern her. Such as asking whether or not I am making a sandwich when it is obvious that I am.
Point four: I feel the only solitude I get is after I have been at work for a few hours and then I feel fatigued but somehow refreshed. I find this not true however if I am working with someone else.
Point five: I�m feeling a level of frustration and anxiety I haven�t felt since I lived out here at Swaney farms before. But when alone I feel fine.
Well, that�s enough for now. So what is it these points have in common? First is that it seems that all of them deal somehow with other people. Secondly, they all express feelings of unhappiness or discontentment. So this basically shows a pattern of not being able to get along with people. But why not?
I suppose I must first look at the people I am having difficulty with. Is it everyone or just a select few? Well, here we go in order of annoyance. 1. My mother 2. Alicia 3. Derek�s mom and his brother Jason 4. Jeff. Those are the main ones. There isn�t really anyone else I get consistently annoyed with. So what do these people have in common? Well, they all seem to me to be more emotional than usual. They all seem to be dependent on others either emotionally or materialistically. I also feel they all place expectations on me.
So we can see now that my problem lies with a feeling of being boxed in or trapped. I consider myself to be very emotionally independent. The people I have trouble dealing with are not so emotionally independent. I suppose that my own struggle over the years to attain self love and confidence has fostered in me an intolerance of those who rely much on others. Compared to my former self I am extremely mentally and emotionally independent. And this I achieved primarily by a serious study of my own self and behavior and not so much at all by the words or influences of others. My premise of searching for Truth. A constant habit of analyzing myself and those around me to better understand different behaviors.
To better define what I mean I will point out that Derek too asked for my help. To which I gladly agreed. This is primarily so because he is working toward achieving a goal to support his independence. Others, I feel, only burden me because there is no real sense of behavioral change. Just a sense of �you do it for me� or �you, make me feel better� or �I can�t do it myself�. So how do I solve the problem? Well I just don�t know. I know that I must allow people to live their own lives, but if they insist on including me in theirs or themselves in mine, then I must consider the effects that it will have. I know that I very much resent other people putting expectations on me or looking to me for all their answers. My advice to them is usually to look only to themselves because each person is responsible for their own life. Perhaps since I was once so very lost and fought with God�s help to live and grow, I have become intolerant to those who would not seem to do so. If so, how do I regain a sense of compassion? Whatever the case, the responsibility to understand it is my own.
~FIN
