There are a great number of reasons I write tonight. Well, actually it breaks down to three main ones. One about past entries, one about personal growth and the last about today�s phenomenal occurrence. This looks like it may be the longest entry yet.
Let�s start with the journal itself. I look back to see many things in it�s pages. Some Truths, joys, sorrows, self deceptions and all in all a full rich life. I am a very fortunate man. I remember before I began this journal the person that I used to be. A person I no longer recognize. One filled with such pain and sorrow that I wonder how he ever managed to survive. I read some scribbled entries in an earlier notebook and even their sporadic, unorganized words and order gave a testimonial to that earlier state of being. I tell people I meet now of the person I used to be and they always say that they can�t believe the tales of my cruelty and anger, sorrow and deceit. I can understand why, for I can hardly believe it myself. Where I once enjoyed inflicting pain and sorrow, I now rejoice in bringing hope and joy. I hated myself and constantly wished to die, now I have gained an unshakeable (thus far) self confidence and desire to live life fully. And where I once lived in deceit to myself and others, I have found the courage to commit myself to the acceptance and understanding of Truth. This credit I must give primarily to God and his son Jesus, who as stated in John 14:6 IS the way, the Truth and the life. Those who know me know that the largest part of my strength comes from him.
There is one thing that concerned me in pages past. And that has to do with my sexuality. I thought at the start of this journal that I had defined myself in that regard. But that, as I have seen in these very pages, was self deceit. I found that I was still trying to be something that I was not. While it is True that I had considered what it would be like to have a family of my own, I now see it as somewhat of an unlikelihood. Not because of the part of sexual contact with a woman but because it simply would not be fair to that woman. There would always be a part of me that I could not completely share with or give her. That I feel with all my being is True and is the reason I would not have a relationship with a woman. For I believe that a special relationship between two people should be a total union of two spirits. This is also the reason I have chosen celibacy for the last nine years. Since Jim and I broke up in 1987 I have come to realize that I want to find that special one, my soul mate, who I can share completely with. Many opportunities have come and gone, even with people I have loved, but there has always been something missing. The funny thing though is that even if I never find that special relationship with my soul mate, I will have had a happy life. For in the words of Whitney Houston, I have found the greatest love of all. A love for myself and he who created me. Thank you Jesus. And if I should ever find my soul mate, then I will truly be blessed. I think I will know it should I ever find him.
So, on to the second reason for writing tonight. Since I have been going to San Francisco to study Dianetics I have gained much insight into myself. Now before I go any further I must state that I in no way consider myself a Scientologist. I cannot stress this enough. It is a man made religion and though I can see merit in and even agree with many of their principals, I find flaw in others and my spirituality is my own. The Truth of the matter is that Dianetics technology works. It is a very effective tool. By going back and examining in my own mind actual events of pain and sorrow, I have released an enormous amount of bottled up emotion. This allows me to become even more confident and see Truth much clearer without that subconscious repressed emotion getting in the way. Though I was on this road already, I must say that Dianetics application has definitely accelerated the process. The most interesting thing about this increased mental clarity is that all of my senses have increased as well. I smell things I never noticed before, I can see clearer and in fact no longer need my glasses but most of all, my intuitive senses have heightened. My insight into people�s character and emotional states are not so much stronger, but better defined. I have even thrown Andy and Chito for a few loops by telling them of some of the impressions I got from them about things they were going through in high school. I have come to believe that this insight is an ability given by God to find and help bring out the best in people. I find it very useful in the pursuit of Truth. Sometimes it confuses me though. Which brings me to the final reason for writing tonight.
Today at work, as I was taking the old magazines down, I flipped through the People weekly like I always do. The story of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie sort of bummed me out because of all the hype. But as I got to the back of the magazine a funny thing happened. I saw a picture of a young man, an ice skater. At first I didn�t know who it was. I only looked at the picture. I found myself stunned though because the energy I felt from the picture was unbelievable. It was very similar to the feeling of the �destiny effect� I had felt in the past with Allen, David and the others. All the people who have strongly affected my adult life. What surprised me was that I was feeling this from a picture. This had never happened before. Also the strength of the feeling was pretty intense. I thought to myself �Who is this guy!?� I instantly felt as though I knew him or at least somehow knew his spirit. And what energy that spirit held. Both positive and negative. It was truly overwhelming. Then, I looked at the name and I was even more stunned to find that this man was someone I knew when we were kids. It was Rudy Galindo.
Now over the years he had popped up in my memories along with his brother George. In particular I remembered playing on the swing and swimming in the pool. I read the article and found tremendous amounts of triumph as well as an incredible amount of sorrow. And though my mother had told me some years back that he was a skater, it never had much impact until I actually saw an image of him in this magazine. I certainly didn�t recognize him in that picture. The last time I saw him he was a little tyke.
So now I suppose I will do as I have always done. I will write to this man and see what comes of it. I can only hope that I write well enough to convey my sincerity. I�m sure he will be getting much attention in years to come, not all good. I would very much like to get to know this strengthened and seemingly noble person. I feel he has a fascinating story to tell that a great deal can be learned from. But as always the choice will be his. I can only offer my appreciation of his struggles and friendship. The rest is up to him.
~FIN
