I spent the night in the company of my good friend Matt. We went out at 11pm last night to first get gas. We stopped at Shell and talked with Elizabeth. All was normal within my own range of perceptions. We then proceeded to go to the Manteca Wal-Mart. There, all was normal as well. We stopped along the river (where Matt seems to get �frisky�) on the way back and still nothing had changed. We got back to my apartment and I felt close to him as always. A connection of spirit between us. We watched the movie Phenomenon and afterwards took some of the tests in one of my books. I still felt whole, as a multi-dimensional being. One of spirit, mind, body and heart.
Then at about 6am I steered the conversation in a direction of confronting aspects of our relationship which we had not previously discussed fully. He seemed a bit guarded at some of my queries concerning his sexual actions toward me, but still there was no change in my perceptual abilities. I took him home and returned to my apartment.
It was within the next few hours that a major change took place. I lay there on the couch and allowed myself to focus completely on any physical desires I felt for him. They were very selfish desires that took no consideration of Matt�s feelings. He certainly seems to enjoy playing on those desires and seeing how far he can go. Well, I decided to fully immerse myself in those physical desires for pleasure. And I found for a short period a strong sense of physical satisfaction. I fell asleep after this physical fulfillment.
I awoke about an hour later feeling out of sorts. I felt as though something was wrong, something was missing. It was a nagging feeling of emptiness. A sort of discomfort in a non-physical sense. I went on the back porch and it was out there that I realized I had lost touch with my spiritual essence. I tried desperately within my emotional and intellectual realms to reunite with my spiritual aspect, but to no avail. A growing sense of panic began filling me. Inner feeling and deeper understanding eluded me. All I felt was the cold, hard presence of intellect and the sense of loss. In trying to search myself I felt as though a vital piece of an intricate puzzle was missing. While strangely enough I felt a strong sense of ability to accomplish things within the physical world, my sense of lost sight of the spiritual was of nagging persistence.
I felt confident in my ability to write this entry and any other physical task. While still in the back yard I saw my neighbor and he spoke to me. Strangely enough, I didn�t recognize him as a complete being. It was like looking at an empty husk. Having lost touch with my own spirit, I can only assume I lost the ability to sense other�s as well. It was like looking at and interacting with a puppet. Animate, but lacking an inner essence or life of it�s own. I believe I know now how Deanna Troi must have felt when she lost her empathic ability on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Well, the thought struck me to play some music because to me music is an expression of the soul and heart. I played the new song I wrote on my keyboard and performed it fine, but it too was devoid of meaning. It was technically nearly flawless, but there was no churning of the soul or heart. It was calculated. So I played it again. And again, and finally there was a small spark of it�s essence. Faint, but present, and once again I could feel the subtle voice of my soul. It was that quiet sense of �all is as it should be� and I realized that I was feeling this way to make me understand the function and necessity of all aspects of my being. That there must be a balance for harmony within myself. That each part is important.
So now once again, through Matt�s influence I have overcome another hurdle and new realizations and greater wisdom unfold. I feel a stronger kinship with my previously neglected physical side of existence and can perceive stronger physical accomplishment now. But at the same time it has made me see the sins of living only for the physical realm and to know the sense of lonely sorrow and terror that an existence holds without the spiritual aspect to balance it. And with this I am evermore complete.
~FIN
