An interesting occurrence took place today. I was at work preparing for the orders to come in. Andy and Joe were there and in walked this girl that I recognized who worked at a business I frequently visit. She looked at me and I instantly felt a strange �Intention� or vibration from her. She was a bit drunk, but her focus of attention on me was very deliberate. I felt it most on the level of some sort of energy �charge�. It was like a moderate infusion of invigorating energy to me. Sort of like the beaming you feel when you are being admired. I know that I felt a little �boosted�, but not knowing what the circumstances of the intention was, I was a bit discomforted. I did not feel energetically repulsed to her, but more so attracted. Lord knows I am in a state recently where I could use any extra energy people would give me. She said hi and came up and touched me on the arm, moving in very close to me. It was as if I felt an actual �zap� from her touch, yet it was not on the level of physicality. It shadowed the concept of affinity. There was an unspoken understanding between us, yet consciously I did not know what it was so I felt intellectually uneasy at this lack of knowledge. I think she felt my moment of uncertainty and the energy link was diffused greatly. I knew that something was operating on a deeper, more �spiritual� or energy based level and it became another direction that my awareness was being pulled into.
When I looked back at her I saw the open window that I see so often in people, but hers was intentionally opened to me, as if she was trying to actually telepathize with me, though on an unconscious level. I looked at her and said to her, �You look different somehow.� I recognized that it was the same inner being sort of thing I had seen in my friend Joey just the night before. Something that was not an actual physical quality, but that which I was perceiving on a semi-physical level. I believe she took this as an invitation or acknowledgment and she then moved in very close again and said a single word to me in a tone denoting a question. She said, �Family?� It only took me a moment to understand what she meant. She was asking me if I was Gay. I said, �Oh yes, certainly.� In that instant, I understood almost completely her intention and the sense of affinity I was feeling from her. My guard went down as I now realized there was nothing to be concerned about and I felt an instant sense of �connection� with her. It was what she had initiated in her inebriated state, even if it was not fully of conscious intent. I enjoyed the connection, for she was willingly, if not consciously sharing with me her energy and it became, metaphorically speaking, an act of lovemaking. She willingly gave her trust to me and in return, I gave her my affirmation and acceptance. And our level of affinity was tremendous for that short moment in time.
After I had affirmed her question, she said, �Yeah, me too!, but I�m playing it straight tonight!� She then asked me if I knew any �sisters�. I told her I did, but most were together and I briefly mentioned our group and the website. Seeming to have all the information and affirmation she needed for the moment, she looked at me and said, �We�ll talk about this again soon.� Then the moment of connection was over. She went off with the fellow she was with and then there was one more �meshing� in the parking lot. I gave her a game piece for a free coffee I found out there and commented on what a nice car she had. She said thanks and there again was a moment of focus. She then drove off with Mr. Man.
So much more was relayed in that short encounter. So much that is difficult to say in words. Things that were communicated in a deep level of understanding, as if the experiences that she was sharing with me were my own. To be brief, feelings of insecurity and desires of acceptance. Moments of so very many emotions and contemplation. �Shadows� of the events that brought about the feelings, but the main focus being on the thoughts and feelings themselves. It is exactly what I was trying to explain to Joey the other night. About seeing so much in people, but not being able to explain it. I think Joey was under the impression that I was speaking of events in peoples lives, but I realize that isn�t it at all. It is like I state above, there are shadows of events, but the focus of the persons feelings and personal views are what I seem to be experiencing. It�s like someone telling you what they are thinking and feeling, but not what the subject of these feelings and thoughts are about. Just sort of picking up some details of the events along the way. This is what I meant when I was telling him it seems easier with strangers. Since I have no other frames of reference with strangers, there is no previous insights to creep in from memory and cross correlate with. So in this, there is much less time spent in trying to put things into perspective based on all the things I know of the person. With someone I am familiar with there is extra time spent on comparing how they are feeling at the moment with the current subject, and past similar feelings or similar situations. And being that the human mind is seemingly infinite in it�s ability to express it�s thoughts and feelings, it is not likely that any two encounters will be precisely alike. Similar, yet with subtle differences. This I think is what makes it more difficult for me to define those I am familiar with, all for the simple fact that I don�t want to fall into the trap of thinking I know them so well that I make errors in observation because of past associations. This of course presents the possibility of my mind using other people�s experiences for cross correlating interpretation of the present person�s window, but there does seem to be a different �vibration of energy� to them and the past experience and therefore easier to distinguish the two.
And so I find that this little encounter helps me all the more to understand how to distinguish between the information coming to me �psychically� and the information being formulated by interpretation and imagination. There are subtle differences in the means and it is the subtle differences that I am learning to separate. Who knows where it will lead. I hope only that I continue to grow and evolve in this area.
Friday-Monday July 7th-10th, 2000
A few strange things to note. The feelings of familiarity that did not come into the realm of consciousness. The Number 23 that came into notice, despite the guys being goofy about it. Especially the 23 coasters at Chile�s restaurant with Greg. During the camping trip on the second day, the Harrier that was attacking me, followed by the dead mouse in the path and then the 2 out of four ravens that also attacked me. All as if to say I was on the wrong path. What it all means, I am unsure. But I feel there is a message there.
The only other interesting coincidence I took much notice of was my seemingly wanting to eat lunch in San Rafael. I �had never eaten in San Rafael before�. When we got back home Greg and I went to target so I could buy my bike. I got a great deal on one for only $67.00. That was on the 9th. When I looked at the paperwork on the 10th I noted that the company that distributed the bike was based in San Rafael California. Coincidence or a deeper meaning? Who knows? Maybe time will tell.
Wednesday July 12th, 2000
An encounter with Pat at work today left me feeling very good about things for some strange reason. I think it started when I saw her outside talking with Carol and smoking a cigarette. There was someone waiting for hot dogs and I opened the door and said �Pat, would you please come in and help me?� She came in and helped him, but she was mumbling something I couldn�t hear. Then later, she pulled out the chair and as she was sitting down, I asked her �Pat could you please put the cigarettes up?� She got upset and started going off. I told her they were right there and it was a simple matter, but I obviously made her upset. My �say it like it is� approach often does that with people. I then watched the dramas play out. She first was fierce, then when I did not back down immediately she went to the �oh poor me� phase, then she just sort of angrily sulked. I started to match her at first, but quickly realized it would get me nowhere. An hour or so later, I told her I was not mad at her. She replied by saying that she was not mad either, twisting her head about in a apparent display of haughtiness.
I thought about how remarkably calm I was. I mean sure, I felt my body react in the heat of the moment with the shakes and a bit of a breaking voice, but when I went over it in my mind and decided to accept that Pat would act in the manner in which she was accustomed to acting, then I felt remarkably O.K. with the situation. I also felt that a weight had been lifted. Maybe I felt good because I was able to confront her on some level and released a bit of resentment. Or possibly because my spirit whispered to me that I would not have to be exposed to this situation for much longer and was going to see changes come about. If so, is this due to Pat �digging her own grave� and leaving the store, or is it me who will be going? Who knows. I just feel that things will be a bit brighter soon one way or another.
Sunday July 16th, 2000
Well. A whole lot of little coincidences today, or perhaps some precognition and telepathy going on. First there was the classical song that came into my mind. The one the doorbell at 7-11 can be set to. I don�t usually think of this one. I had been humming and whistling it for an hour or so. Then, this girl came in and while she was in the candy aisle her phone went off. It was the tune. Now I have not heard that ditty for probably months. So why would I pick it up and then shortly afterwards hear it on the same day that I began thinking of it when I had neither thought of nor heard it for so long. Interesting.
Next was when Matt came in with Pam. Now I couldn�t remember her name. I felt brain dead. I didn�t want to ask and appear forgetful. I had the feeling that if I just was patient her name would come up. It did, but not as expected. I remember thinking how I wanted to remember her name or pick it up without asking. After they had been there for about 20 minutes or so, one of my regular customers (Valerie) mumbled to me, �I think I recognize her. Is her name Pam?� Of course, I said �Pam,� both with realization and yet uncertainty. She responded and I said that Valerie recognized her. They chatted, and I wondered whether or not this was beyond coincidence.
Then, another thing that happened before Matt and Pam left. I remember saying something about Matt�s jacket. Pam said �You look like a rapper.� I instantly got the thought of �Wrapper� Then, Matt said, �Oh, I thought you meant like a Wrapper.� While pointing to a bag of chips. Picking up a stray thought, or just thinking alike?
The last thing of any real note this evening was later. I was in the store alone and had to use the bathroom. No sooner than I had begun relieving myself, I heard the bell go off. Now normally I just finish and don�t worry about locking the door. But this time I cut off the flow long enough to latch the door. Something I never did before. Sure enough, a moment later, Francis tried to open the door. I said I would be done in a minute. Now what prompted me to lock the door. I felt certain for a moment that the person was going to come to the bathroom. Was it gut feeling, intuition or a subconscious remembrance that Francis usually comes around that time? Who knows. Anyway, these are the things that occurred today. That and a very stressful morning rush. I thought about putting in my notice, I was so upset. Oh, I also tried to �intuit� the daily three numbers too for tonight. I wrote them down and put them in the drawer. That�s all for today.
Tuesday July 18th, 2000
I have just awaken from sleep. Strangely enough, I realize that I was not fully unconscious in this sleep. I was in a place within the realm of thought and dream that was fundamentally and in an underlying way, Perfect......unchanging. The only things that changed were the perspectives of the place based on fears and anxieties of those existing there. I saw others there. Were they separate entities, or were they constructs of my mind? It is hard to say. They had roles, and seeming purpose, yet it was as if they were characters in a play. Like watching a movie. Real people portray the characters, but those characters are merely illusion or fiction. But are these characters played out by other souls, or are they all created by my own spirit? Is there even really more than one awareness? Or is this as well another perception?
In this place in my dreams I realized that I was sleeping at home, on this earthly realm. But it did not change the feeling that where I was at that moment and what I was doing was equally valid and actual. I could see how the fears and anxieties change within our realm of mind and thought, both consciously and unconsciously, and in turn change our perception of the physical world around us. In this sense, creating our own realities based on our expectations or perceptual beliefs, our said fears and anxieties. In the time spent at this place, I felt the underlying peace of ultimate Truth and wisdom, but also felt many of the insecurities which are common to mankind. I was �asleep� for only about four hours. And have not had more than five hours of sleep a night for the last five nights. Each of those nights have made me feel tired. Fatigued and weary, both spiritually and physically. But today is different. I did not have to awaken. I knew I was asleep. All I had to do was open my eyes. And when I did so, I felt so very rested and rejuvenated. It is as if my spirit and my mind are beginning to flow at the same time. Sharing experiences on a deeper level. This is not the first time this �lucidity� of dreams has happened. It is the second time it has been this clear. Although it was not so striking as the last time. Then I was fully conscious and just as aware of the physical world as the spiritual. This time I was aware of the physical, but was more involved in the latter. Yet after I awoke, I knew for certain that I was physically conscious for much of it.
So what do I gain from this? Well, it helps me to understand the role of fear and anxiety in my life. It unravels, just a bit more, the mystery of how our perceptions shape the world we live in as individuals and how much of the world we live in depends on our very beliefs and expectations. How the fears and anxieties put forces into play to create what I can best describe as �potential� reality. Not only that, but how these interact with other�s perceptions. Sometimes it is harmonious, other times it is like a spiritual tug of war of whose perceptions are most right. Therein are wisps of understanding how psychoses and mental illness are begun. Only wisps, but at least that much more tiny bit of knowledge to foster an even deeper understanding and movement toward true enlightenment.
So, can I prove this? Not hardly. I can scarcely find words appropriate to describe these insights, and even then they seem vague and so very incomplete. So lacking in detail. And like a dream, this understanding seems to fade into the vast reaches of the subconscious. A distant memory after becoming intent simply on the daily activities of life. Even though I was conscious it still fades. Like anything else in memory. When not focused on, it loses it�s clarity and over time it is all but forgotten. But this is why I write it down. One more step on the path of this life. Because I believe that by looking at where you have been, you gain a better understanding of where you are headed. And it is the journey that makes it worthwhile.
Thursday July 20th, 2000
When I woke up last night I awoke from a dream. Thing was, I was dreaming in a state of subtle lucidity. On a very real level I was aware I was dreaming, but not to the extent of being fully conscious as in my one really notable lucid dream. I realize there are different degrees of lucidity while dreaming now, as I have experienced it fairly much on such said different levels.
So anyway, this dream was basically just me there, getting a note from Dr. Blackwell. He was the doctor who sent me to have my echocardiogram. I began reading the note several times, but was distracted by things. I realize that for some reason it is difficult for my dream awareness to do so called �left brain� functions. (Such as math and reading.) When trying to read the note, this is when I became aware that I was dreaming and lucidity began. I still did not read the whole note, but it�s message was along the lines of �I want to have you tested again, I am having concerns and would like to see what�s going on.� I began thinking, while dreaming, that my dream mind was trying to voice something. I felt it had a message and my physical mind had been �awoken� to receive the message. It is a strange sense of seeming duality when dreaming in said state of lucidity. I completely feel as though both these aspects of thought and creation are �me�, but yet they do not seem to know one another very well. It would seem that my subconscious or spirit or whatever knows more than the physical, but maybe it only seems this way since I obviously associate more with the tangible realities. Perhaps my mind only thinks that the spirit knows more because it�s understanding is different. It feels to me that the spirit is in a perspective of holistic entirety and cannot readily conceive of individualism and therefore is intrigued by the aspects of the individual mind, while the mind is very individualistic in nature and is fascinated with the spirit�s ability of all encompassing inclusion. Sort of like each of them envying the other and wanting to know each other�s perspective. One thing is for sure, it sometimes seems confusing that I can define this in language and be satisfied intellectually and then as well I can �feel� that it is right and that �all is as it should be�.
Thursday July 27th, 2000
Only one small coincidence today. When I got around to recording the scratch off numbers, I wrote down one wrong. The first set of prefix numbers was **0538. We only write down the last three though. For some reason I wrote down 038 instead of 538. I caught it and when I checked it against Lisa�s recorded numbers, I notice that hers had the precise mistake (which she didn�t catch). So was it coincidence we both made this mistake independently or did I somehow catch a piece of her original "spaciness". I can only say that when I caught the mistake I thought to myself, "That�s not right! It�s not like me to transpose like that." Finding it odd that I saw it the way I did. Anyway, just to record the occurrence.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I just went to check my e-mail as usual after getting home. I first typed in the above paragraph. I then went online. Strangely enough, my outlook express system screwed up somehow. The thing is HOW it screwed up. There is definitely something going on. It is undeniable! There is a strong idea of what is happening with the #23. When I logged on, I got a message saying that Outlook Express did not shut down correctly last time. This is not true. I remember. What did happen is that I downloaded six messages from my server, inreach. The STRANGE thing is, they all had the time 6:23 on them because that is when they arrived to me. The other part of the strange thing is than I am being told that not only were they sent TO me, but that they were all sent BY me as well! Everything in the messages, even the source tab, shows that I (Anthony swaney: [email protected]) sent them to myself. I know this is not the fact because three of them are from Photoworks two are from someone with an e-mail.com account (From the footer on the message), and the last is from Themestream. But It shows my name and e-mail address in the from heading in all of them AND their source codes. Also, Themestream was converted to plain text and no fancy add ons, links or stuff. Just the bare basics, the simplest version.
So, having the feeling for some time now that the #23 is somehow connected with this body�s physical death or some spiritual awareness or awakening, and applying this line of thought to this morning�s (Thursday) strange e-mail thing and then cross correlating with the fact that Mira and my anniversary was seemingly about when the 23 thing really started to become noticeable (It was 7/23/99), I get the feeling that the "I AM" just hit me over the head with something that it has been trying to make me REALIZE once and for all. That simply being that there IS only one. That by stripping away all the elaborate conceptions and add ons of our true being, we will find there in fact is only the "I AM", (Just like the Themestream message being reduced to the bare bones message.) Something I do feel and believe, and also that I have "experienced" inconsistently, but have yet to FULLY realize I suppose. It just seems so phenomenal to me that it manifested in a message to "me" that the sender is the receiver in the e-mail example. And then there is that silly mind of mine thinking, "Well, it still COULD BE all coincidence." It�s no wonder this ignorant mind is so frustrated all the time! Well, whatever it is, I guess it will happen in time. I always said since high school that I felt I would die by the age of 35. That is the next birthday. 6/23/01. Perhaps that is when "I" will finally fully "awaken" and realize that "I" was never actually "alive". Who knows? And besides, who even really wants to know? What good is knowledge anyway? It all passes away. But I guess this mind needs something to keep it interested and occupied, and this is why I record these mysterious things.
Saturday July 29th, 2000
Well today I am just going to write down the odd occurrences of the number 23 in my life. It is almost a daily thing now, so I think I will record the more notable ones here. Not every time I see the clock or a register reading at 23, but when it is overly odd and somewhat unique.
#1: Last night when I woke up there were two messages for me. I got up and listened to them. One was from Joey and the other from Kristen. Kristen mentioned the computer virus I have been battling with so I called her. Just when I called her I looked at the clock and there was 8:23. Now I only mention this clock entry because this virus thing has to do with the entry on the 27th and a seeming message for me to strip away all the definitions of myself to reach the �I AM�.
#2: When I got to work Patty and Lisa were both there. We chatted a bit and all, but the strange thing of 23 here is that after they both left, I checked the drawer and noticed that they left me a drop envelope with some 10�s 5�s and 1�s to buy back. Of course the envelope number was 23. The funny thing is that this was the first time in weeks I was left an envelope like this.
#3: The last notable occurrence of the number 23 was when I checked the winning scratchers on Nick�s shift in the morning. I trade them for cash between the hours of 1 and 6 to certain customers so my drawer will not show short. Mostly they are small winners. Tickets, $2, $4, $5, etc. There were five winners this time and in the morning when I added them up to ring them up, you got it, $23. I�m hardly even surprised anymore.
