Well, today was my second day back to work. Yesterday went alright, but I was still a little bummed I guess. I managed to keep busy though and didn�t dwell on it. Today I was back in a good mood for most of the day. The �little things� started wearing on me by the end of the night, but not to any great degree. I don�t imagine my resolve will last very long however, and it seems only a matter of time before I become reacquainted with my former state of frustration. Manageable, but ever present. One thing I am fairly certain about is that the main source of my current frustrations will not change. So as always, it is up to me to learn to deal more effectively with it or change my situation.
The problem I have is that of my conflicting viewpoints. To elaborate I will present today�s event to consider. It concerns my conversation with Janet at work. I asked her what was required in order to receive holiday pay for the 4th as I had told her before I left for CA that I would work the holiday to make it easier for them. After all, what�s one more day? Then when I thought about it I started to think that if I was going to work the holiday, I should work the rest of that week so I could get the extra 5 hours holiday pay. That was what I thought the requirements were. When I asked Rich before I left he said he wasn�t sure, but he believed that in order to receive the bonus one had to work that day and not call off the day before or after that. So today I asked again to clarify and it seems that is the case. I also started to think about the other deli worker�s vacations in the coming weeks. I have always considered myself a �team player� in such regards at work and am usually willing to forego my own desires to help out if I could. When I told Janet of my thoughts of working a bit longer to get the holiday pay, she asked if I would consider continuing working, but only a couple days a week. This didn�t come as a great surprise to me as I know that I still hold some value as an employee to them, despite all my past pitiful whiny moments.
I began asking myself if I was being overly selfish in regards to work. But as with most things, it�s just not that simple. There are so many aspects to consider when pondering this proposition. I will try to list all my thoughts on the matter to better organize them.
First the positive aspects if I were to agree:
1. Shop N Save would retain a reliable employee who has never called off and performs the job adequately.
2. I would retain the various benefits of working there (Sunday pay rate, bonus green points, etc.) and continue to have at least some income each week instead of subsisting completely on my reserves until choosing a new job.
3. They would have someone willing to cover weekend shifts which is also what I prefer to work.
4. Both Shop N Save and myself would still have the option of terminating the employment agreement just as always, so neither party would be obligated.
5. I would continue to work with a wonderful bunch of ladies who somehow manage to put up with all my peculiarities.
6. I would have five days per week to accomplish the various things I want to this summer and still be able to work those two days close to home.
I could think of more I�m sure, but that�s enough I suppose. Now for the more negative aspects:
1. I will most probably still have moments or days of frustration and dissatisfaction from the various undesirable aspects of occasional scheduling difficulties and annoying customers or situations. This is usually a daily but manageable occurrence.
2. They will most probably have to put up with my occasional whiny moments when dealing with such dissatisfactions since I have great difficulty in not expressing my thoughts and feelings whether good or bad. This generally affects both co-workers and customers.
3. I will have to constantly be on guard against these stress factors which may affect my state of health, namely my heart condition.
4. Remaining may indicate a fear of leaving a �comfort zone� and not only cause me to pass up other potential opportunities, and may also keep Shop N Save from hiring a potential good employee to replace me.
There are other factors to consider as well which are better labeled as concerns or considerations rather than positive or negative aspects. They are as follows:
1. I genuinely do want to be helpful, dependable and try to maintain a positive relationship with my employer, customers and co-workers which is not hard to do when I am �at ease� with things.
2. I am aware that I can be a real �pain in the butt� when I am not at ease with things and don�t wish to present that attitude but can�t seem to help myself at times.
3. I don�t wish there to be any resentment on anyone�s part from my seeming wishy washy attitude of indecision of whether I should stay or leave.
4. I don�t want anyone to think I expect any special treatment, for I am no more or no less valuable than anyone else in my own opinion.
5. I really enjoy several aspects of the job, especially the people I work with, but feel as though I sometimes cause negative repercussions in my less than desirable moments. Such moments of expressed dissatisfactions affect morale negatively and this is not my desire or intent.
6. Most of my dissatisfactions stem from people�s (primarily customers) ignorance and lack of ability to communicate their needs adequately.
7. Some of my dissatisfactions stem as well from other employees, but most often from disappointment in myself from not handling things in the best way that I could, but rather reacting to my emotional states.
Well, that should just about cover things. The above listed things are written in intellectual style. But much of my deliberations are emotionally based as well, and it is the emotion which I have difficulty with. Not the positive emotions of course, but the negative ones.
I mean, I don�t want to be selfish, but don�t want to be this grouchy, whiny person that I find myself being on occasion at work. I don�t want those moments to be a problem for Rich or any of the other managers, employees or customers. I love those times when I am happy, cheerful and make people smile, provide good service and do a good job. But I hate those times when I feel overburdened or unappreciated and cause negative reactions in others by my actions or attitudes.
I am fully aware that the things that bother me are not likely to change. People are always going to order those meat trays and want them in an hour or want me to write on cakes etc. when I am behind in my closing duties. There are always going to be the occasional crazy sales which make it hard to get breaks out of the way. And there will always be customers that you just can�t seem to please as well as those who you have to practically fight to get them to tell you exactly what they want. And there will always be those who seem to need to surround their lives with such passion and drama over something so insignificant as cheese and lunchmeat. I know this. And I also know that it is up to me to deal with these things. I guess I just miss the easy going nature of my former life in California. I hate the fact that by simply being around this different attitude, I have begun to adopt some of those traits. But I know that it all stems from that general attitude of this area. Going to another job won�t likely change it. But who knows? Maybe if I didn�t work with food. So, what to do? I�ll read this and decide in the morning, I�m tired now.
Wednesday July 7th, 2004: Thoughts Crystallizing
Well, I have decided after all to work weekends only at Shop N Save. Perhaps it is not the best choice, but it has it�s good points as well as any negative aspects. But today I wanted to write down some things I have been thinking about lately, not concerning work.
I commonly think along scientific lines. Quantum physics in particular, but just about all branches of science interest me as well. I also think and experience life as a spiritual being, so I often regard things in a spiritual light. I think my writings in this journal show this to be the case. The last few days in particular, I have been thinking a lot about the differences and similarities of these two forms of contemplation. Not a new concept for me, but something I often come back to since both Science and Religion hold as their main goal, the Pursuit of Truth. This of course falls right in line with my own guiding principle of life and it is no wonder why I tend to gravitate toward these two subjects frequently. In fact, this journal�s entry #54 entitled �Cosmic Divinity� expresses some of my earlier views on the correlations of these two topics.
I find it interesting to watch my own thoughts and understandings evolve through the course of study in these two subjects and I wanted to organize some of those thoughts here today. In this case it has been more than five years since I have written on this matter. This may seem like slow progress to some, but that is merely the pace between recordings of these thoughts. In actuality I ponder these things frequently.
So, what new insights concerning correlations between Science and Spirituality? Well, as usual I will attempt to take the myriad of my many thoughts and coalesce them into something organized and understandable. In this case I will attempt to simply further clarify those ideas already conceptualized in entry #54. In that entry I submitted the idea that God states himself in Exodus to be �I AM� and that this could be interpreted as him saying that he is all aspects of creation embodied. Everything that exists, is of God and is God. I also said in that entry how Jesus is referred to as �The light� among other things. How everything that has been made has been made through him and how in science, �light� or better yet, the electromagnetic spectrum, is responsible for the existence of the universe as we know it. But in that last entry I never mentioned the Holy Spirit. I have been thinking about the Holy Trinity a bit lately and have once again re-read the two books by John Gribben*1 and with these things on my mind I have come to define some ideas a bit further. But keep in mind they are only that, ideas. As always, I insert my disclaimer that I don�t claim to �know� with any certainty the mysteries of God or Science. I merely present ideas and record my thought processes about them. So consider this an update on my unending quest for the understanding of Truth.
Here are my most recent musings concerning Science and Spirituality correlations while pondering the Holy Trinity:
1. God the father, as stated before, can be likened as the totality of everything in existence. Those things both known and unknown. All matter, all energy, space, time, etc. An actual conscious force, but far beyond consciousness as we know it. Not having any need to manifest his consciousness into the perception of man by way of human or even physical form, but certainly capable of it. From the Bible we know he can do this. Three obvious examples are with Moses as the burning bush*2, a luminous cloud during Jesus� transfiguration*3 and his Holy Spirit in bodily form like a dove at Jesus� baptism.*4 So in this, God is himself in everything both known and unknown to us. His essence is present in all things throughout all time and all things are known to him.
2. The Holy Spirit of God in this line of thought can be likened to the information carried within all of creation. In Science, all matter is believed to be composed of fundamental particles. These particles combine in various configurations to create both matter and energy and in fact, matter and energy are believed to be interchangeable. Conveyed primarily perhaps, but not necessarily limited by electromagnetic energy, information is transferred from one place to another in a constant dance of absorption and emission of that energy causing chemical changes to matter. Matter, energy and all that we know is created by the very fabric or �essence� of God�s being and one aspect of that being is the information conveyed by it. The Holy Spirit and God are one. The Holy Spirit is God�s means of storing that information or his �will� so that it may be conveyed to all parts of his essence of creation. But regardless of any need to convey that information, all is already �known� to God. This is shown in science through the holistic view of the universe gleaned from conducted experiments and covered I believe in the Copenhagen interpretation. The transference of this information may be viewed as existing for the benefit which we know as physical reality.
3. If God is all things, and the Holy Spirit is the information of �God�s will�, then Jesus may perhaps be likened to the primary means of conveying that information. He is the messenger, the Messiah. He is God incarnate in the form of a human man as well as spirit, who has come to carry the word and will of God in a form our minds can interpret and understand. He carries the information of God�s will to disperse it to God�s creation of physical reality. In Science, this is the job of light (the electromagnetic spectrum). I must have read the first chapter of John in the Bible dozens of times already. Very profound stuff really. It says that with this �light� the world was created, it has always been with God and that in him is �life�. All are one. And it is the motion of this light which creates the perception of time, even as time has no meaning for light itself. It always was, now is, and always shall be interacting and creating change in the physical world we know.
Now some who read this may find unease at the correlations I make here, thinking I attempt to simplify God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus to what may be largely considered inanimate or unconscious aspects of the universe. But rather I say it is the opposite. It is man who simplifies God�s incredible being and universe as being ordinary and mundane. I see it as simply a common misconception that the universe and all that it contains is viewed as �not living� or unconscious. In my view I see in all of creation, God�s spirit moving. His will (the Holy Spirit) in motion all around me carried by the light of the world (Jesus). All that exists, in my view, is the very essence of God and his creation. He is both within and around us. His holy temple makes up our very bodies because we are created from part of his very essence.*5 He surrounds and fills us with his never ending presence. But with our limited, human minds we do not recognize his entirety and can only see the slightest concepts of all that God is in the very fabric of our physical reality and thereby take all the wonder, beauty and amazement of God�s creation for granted. In simpler terms, we do not see the forest for the trees.*6
It truly puzzles me how so many can experience the wonder, beauty and intricacy of existence and not be truly amazed and fascinated at even the simplest things. A single blade of grass holds so much fascination as I ponder the complexities of how it is structured, the simplicity of it�s workings and the method in which it interacts with the world around it. Or sometimes I sit and watch my very own body in motion. I often sit in utter fascination as I �will� my hand and fingers to move and without really consciously thinking about it, it does exactly what I intend it to do. As I flutter my fingers I watch the poetic motion of matter and energy in play and in doing so, must praise him that created me. This sense of intrigue and amazement can be felt when witnessing any aspect of God�s creation, all we need do is open our hearts and minds to it. It is seeing the world as through the eyes of a child, with fascination and wonder. I am both thankful and humbled that I so often see things in this manner.*7 The wonder is mine to experience and God is that wonder. But so many seem not to see it as so. They see only a blade of grass, or simply a moving hand. They look no further than past the end of their noses to see such wonder all around them in absolutely everything.
It is our conscious minds which try to box God into a definition through our limited perceptions when he in fact, cannot be contained. For nothing that has been made is apart from God. He is the very box which we try to place him in. And being aspects of his very essence, if we fail to bear fruit in our lives, in the end we shall be pruned away from his will. That place which we call Hell, where Satan rules. Seek God and bear fruit for him and we shall reside with him and come to know his will fully and remain in his kingdom forever more. Bear no fruit and we will still exist within his entirety, but will be �cut off� from coming to know him fully at the end of our physical lives. But not before standing before him in spirit to account for our lives and witnessing his glory. It is witnessing his glory and then being separated from it that I for one would call hell. Never having the chance to understand why all exists as it does. Never knowing fully why pain and suffering must exist and thereby being trapped in it�s folds for all eternity. Hell, I imagine, is a terrible place indeed.
Now we know in part. It is all our human minds are capable of. But at the sunset of our limited, physical lives, our own spirits will stand before God�s very essence, the �source� and his omniscient nature. It is a thing we as humans cannot truly fathom. I believe I was given a great gift to witness this �source� for the briefest of moments as covered in my entry entitled �The Great Journey�. For what purpose, I cannot say with certainty. I make no claims, only that I believe these things I witnessed to be true. My views may be flawed at times, but I shall always continue the search and seek higher understanding. And I freely share these views. It is what I choose to do with this life I have been given. And I choose to share it with you who read of it. You may agree with some or all of my views. You may perhaps not. You may even think me a great many things both good or bad. Wise or a fool? Arrogant or humble? Enlightened or deluded? Perhaps I am all of these, and likely so. It is for you to decide. That is the gift of choice given to you. Use that gift well and let it bear fruit.
*1 These two books are entitled �In search of Schrodinger�s cat� and �In search of the double helix�, both by John Gribben.
*2 Exodus 3:2-6
*3 Matthew 17:5, Mark 9:7, Luke 9:34-35
*4 Matthew 3:16-17, Mark 1:10-11, Luke 3:21-22
*5 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
*6 Refer to Romans 1:19-20
*7 See Matthew 18:3-4
Monday July 26th, 2004: Day of the Turtles
Ooh boy! Did it ever rain today! We�re talking rivers coming down the driveway! I had wanted to mow the lawn and trim the hedges, but obviously I didn�t get to it! LOL It did let up after a while and I decided to take a walk. When I got down the road near the trail to Wynn pond I notice a little box turtle sitting by the side of the road. I thought maybe it had gotten bumped by a car, but it seemed all right. I didn�t want to see it try and cross and get hit so I picked it up and decided to take it to the area of the pond with me.
The trail has become pretty overgrown. Seems the guys who ride their quads through there normally haven�t been down it much this spring. It was sort of difficult dodging brambles, spider webs, fallen logs and such with the turtle in my hand, but I managed. I let the little fellow go near the pond and walked on. I decided to walk back along the nearby railroad tracks which run parallel to the trail. Once I got about 50 yards from the bridge by the road I noticed up ahead something sitting on the tracks. I couldn�t tell what it was from the distance I was at, but as I got closer I saw that it was a snapping turtle. She was about 10 inches across and had her limbs and neck stretched out as far as she could, but in her position she couldn�t touch anything and therefore couldn�t move. It was sort of funny that she was stuck. So I went to nudge her off the tracks, very carefully since I figured that she was on land to search for a nesting spot. Snapping turtles rarely are that far from water except for nesting purposes and are usually very aggressive at that time.
I tried to pick her up to take her off, and of course she �snapped� and kicked violently. But I was determined to help and finally got her over both tracks. She kept turning to face me and kept moving closer to try and bite me, snapping occasionally, but I was pretty sure I could outrun her! LOL I moved off and watched her continue off into the woods. Geez! No gratitude I tell ya! Well, anyway I thought it was pretty cool that I will go months or even years without seeing something specific like turtles and then in one day I will see several of it by mere chance.
