Well, it�s been a pleasant week. I left home on Sunday to go to Akron, Ohio, the city of my birth, to spend with my relatives there. It was a nice drive and I got to spend some wonderful moments with loved ones. Before I had left Fairchance however, I had this odd feeling that I would not be coming back and told this to several of my co-workers. It turned out not to be true, but strangely enough, it was a difficult trip home.
As I left Akron on Tuesday afternoon, rain began to come down. By the time I was on the turnpike I was driving through the worst weather I had ever encountered. The rain came down so fiercely that I could barely see the car 30 or so yards ahead of me. Lightning flashed all around me and thunder boomed in a near continuous roar. This lasted until I reached the Pittsburgh exit. But before leaving the storm area an incredible thing happened. As I was driving through the torrential fury at about 45MPH, a bolt of lightning flashed across the road between me and the car ahead. The immediate CRACK of thunder was deafening and the flash blinded me for an instant. The truck vibrated from the close proximity of white fire and static energy coursed for a brief moment. It happened too fast for me to even react. I jumped in my skin, but did not jerk the wheel or even swerve.
I actually felt extremely excited! Wow! I thought. That was really close! Most travelers were parked along the side of the turnpike waiting out the storm, but not silly old me. I just kept on driving. I made it home fine, and after being home for about 45 minutes, the storm caught back up with me, but not nearly as fiercely as on the road. I called my Aunt and told her of the occurrence and let her know that I made it home safely.
But this is not the main reason I wanted to write today. It is now Friday and I am home after having worked at the deli. You see, something has been happening to me for the last few weeks. There is a fellow who I see when I am working there that has caught my interest. At first it was merely an appreciation of his looks and character. Something I am always encountering in many people, both male and female. But it has been progressing toward more than mere appreciation. I daresay I have somewhat of a crush on him. Something which has not happened to me in a very long time. Don�t get me wrong, I�m not going to go all �Fatal Attraction� or anything. I guess you can say that this guy just �does it� for me. He�s a bit quiet, but generally pleasant. He is polite, but I sense anger within him. And though some might not consider him the best looking guy in the world, to me he is very attractive. In fact I think he is quite sexy. :-) I believe I have even noticed him �check me out� a time or two, but I�m not really certain. Perhaps it�s just wishful thinking on my part that I still "got it". LOL
Now I don�t expect anything will come of this. Besides, this guy is much too young for me. Even if he is �my type�, I�m old enough to be his father and I have pretty strong convictions about what is appropriate. And no, he is not the young man I wrote about in previous entries. I must admit however that it�s nice to feel the warm tingly feelings of attraction again. I haven�t felt that in a very long time. It�s a bit alarming, frightening and disconcerting, but thrilling, sensuous and titillating all at the same time. It�s like a feeling of possibly losing control of emotional stability and being both excited and afraid of not knowing where it will lead you. It is the fear of self delusion or rejection and yet the hopeful joy of knowing that love is still a possibility in this life with the right person and circumstances. I guess it�s been so long since I have felt such attraction that I was beginning to think that it was no longer possible for me to feel this way. It threatens to drive me mad yet makes me feel so very alive again and with it comes a bit of longing for the possibilities of romance so long forgotten.
I�m sure these feelings will pass in time. They always do. They are always replaced by greater understanding and wisdom once they work their way through our lives. The mystery and intrigue fade as certainty presents itself over time and the feelings either fade or change to a deeper sense of love, depending often on whether the feelings are mutual and expressed or not. Or perhaps if they are simply ignored or not acted upon, one loses interest in time. This is probably what will happen in this case. I will most likely simply observe and enjoy the sweet agony of it all until it runs it�s course. :-)
Thursday July 21st, 2005: Another Step Forward
Today was interesting as another chapter of a seemingly ongoing story has come to light a bit. It concerns the young man I wrote about last December and in April. I had heard from a co-worker that the young man�s mother has been facing a pretty serious struggle with her health. I asked him how she was doing and he seemed to appreciate my genuine concern. I really felt the need to do more than continue to keep her in my daily prayers. So I looked through my photos and found one that I felt might symbolize aspects of what she may be facing, found a scripture which I felt was appropriate, added it to the photo and had it printed up in an 8x10 format and framed it. I then asked the young man if he would give it to her for me along with a letter I wrote to accompany it. He agreed to do so and I was glad for it. This was about a week ago.
Today I was working in the deli as usual for a Thursday and it was toward the end of the night. Now I am usually pretty alert and notice a great deal of events and people around me. While I was cleaning I turned to look out at the aisles of the store because there was a sense of some �intention� tugging at my awareness. I looked over and there were two women there. One I recognized as a previous customer, the other I did not. But I felt something drawing my awareness to them and there was some �sense� of familiarity. Perhaps they were looking at me first and I simply had that old familiar feeling of being watched. Or perhaps it was some facet of one of their characters which caught my inner attention. As always I simply followed the urging of my inner awareness and we entered into conversation.
When I look back at it now, I�m not sure who spoke first, but what does stand out to me is that I was able to hear the unfamiliar woman more clearly than I usually do in the deli, especially considering the fact that she was pretty far away from the counter. She said to me, something along the lines of �You must be Andrew.� I corrected her saying �Anthony� but I don�t believe it caused any embarrassment or anything. Besides I make that mistake myself occasionally even with people I have known for years! LOL This woman seemed to me to have a very vibrant spirit and I must admit I found myself intrigued, curious and drawn to her for some reason. It was then that she introduced herself as the young man�s mother.
I must admit I was a bit surprised. I thought to myself, is this woman who is filled with such a vibrant life force and strong spirit the same that is facing such struggle? I would have never guessed that by the sense of her inner being I felt. She thanked me for the photo and prayers and I simply told her I was happy to do it since I felt so moved. I don�t remember much of the exact conversation we had, but it was a pleasant conversation. Mostly I just remember that I felt excited, honored and intrigued during our brief discussion. The other woman was the young man�s aunt, his mother�s sister I assume. I didn�t ask. I guess I�m just more interested in the spiritual connections I sense between people, which is probably why I�m not very good at small talk about worldly or material things. Fact is, it hardly even occurs to me to ask people such basic questions for clarification such as whether these two were sisters or not. Heck, I didn�t even know this family�s last name until I noticed the young man�s full name on some list in the store. I can�t even remember what the list was.
Anyway, it was very nice to meet this woman who has been in my prayers. It was a very pleasant surprise and a nice exchange we shared. I have to say that she does seem to be a fighter. I would say she is certainly a spitfire with a strong personality. She strikes me as the kind of woman who doesn�t put up with a whole lot of crap, but possesses a true degree of compassion under the no-nonsense exterior. And while her physical appearance is much what I imagined, I never imagined that she would be such a vibrant, powerful presence. She certainly struck me as having a very strong sense of individuality and a force to be reckoned with. I liked her instantly. :-)
I think that if anyone is able to overcome the type of health concerns she is currently facing it is indeed her. And I truly think that she will overcome it and be around to see her son get married and hold her grandchildren someday. That�s what I am praying for. That she have the time on this earth to witness this fine young man grow to adulthood and feel the sense of pride in her son that only a parent knows. And even if this young man never becomes more than a good husband and loving father, his life will be just as successful as if he made some great discovery or done some great deed. I probably won�t be around to see his life evolve personally since I will be moving to Oregon eventually to care for my parents and help them upkeep their property, but I believe wholeheartedly that his life will know such meaning and success.
You know, since I have moved here to Fairchance I have met five people whom I feel are exceptional in some unexplainable, inner way. Three are women and two are men. I enjoy the way I feel when I am allowed to witness these qualities in all of them. It makes me feel hopeful, joyful and inspired. It adds greatly to the constant joy I feel in my daily life and I am truly grateful to know such faith in God and such hope for mankind. And with this, I feel my own life is truly successful in it�s own right. I look forward to times ahead. :-)
Sunday July 31st, 2005: Waking from a dream
It�s funny how one decision can make such a big difference on one�s daily life. In this case I had decided to commit myself to my daily exercise routing. In the past I have stuck to a routine of daily stretches of every muscle group, followed by two sets each of 30 pushups, 120 crunches, 30 squats and 30 fanning leg lifts. I actually began doing this again the middle of last month. I have already noticed my body toning up and I usually do this workout soon after waking up. But it is getting too easy and I have recently begun doing a second workout in the evening as well every so often. But that is just to give a background idea of some of the effects of my workouts.
I have always been the type of person who dwells more in the intellectual and spiritual realms of existence rather than the physical. And even when I have worked out in the past, it never seemed to have much of an effect on my daily experiences. Not that there is much difference this time, but I am presuming that these workouts are indeed an influence on the thoughts and experiences I have been having lately. I guess I should get to the point to clarify.
Lately, I have been almost hyper aware of my body. While previously, I was never very sensitive to touch or physical stimulation, I am finding lately that my awareness of physical sensations has increased quite a bit. I was never really too bothered by physical pain, but lately it seems that every little bang up is heightened in intensity. Because of this there have been other effects as well. I find myself waking up during the night when the wind blows across my skin, and even my dreams have been very oriented toward physical sensations. Just last night I dreamt that a guy I know and I were talking. He reached over and touched my arm and it was as though the sensation was so very real and as if I was actually being touched. It was not sexual in any way, but it turned my dream thoughts toward romantic interests with the sensation.
And this makes me think about my earlier entry this month about the young man I mentioned having an attraction to. I think this too may be a side effect of whatever is causing this sensitivity to physical stimulation. Now one thing I can say is that it has yet to take on a truly sexual bent or any greater form of sexual desire, but it is in a way as though a part of my awareness has been slowly �waking up�. And it�s not all physically oriented. It is affecting my wants and desires for materialistic concerns as well. My thoughts toward material things has been increasing. I think about becoming completely financially independent much more than ever before. I think more about the physical needs of life such as overall health, my teeth, my possessions (primarily my truck), working on the pond in my back yard, my body�s shape and many other tangible considerations. I have been smoking more as well which is certainly a drawback.
I am finding that I am not so much desiring more materialistic things in my life, merely that I have been focusing more on them. I have no greater sense of desire to own anything, have sex or build things, I simply feel the desire not to neglect them as much as I usually do. So I have been brushing my teeth more consistently, taking more pictures, and taking in so many more experiences lately. I have been spending more time with my trade account and it has been showing by way of a greater return on my investment. I find myself wanting so much more to be able to quit my job and have the financial resources to travel and experience all the places of the world I want to see in this life.
I wonder where this will lead. And I wonder how long it will last. One thing I know is that it has not hindered or affected my decision making abilities. It has taken nothing away from my life, merely added to it with a new perspective of a higher focus on physical concerns. As an example, the young man I mentioned noticing earlier this month. Already that initial fluttering of attraction has changed. While I still find him very attractive and ponder possibilities of romantic pursuits in my life someday with another, it has not changed my respect for him or anyone else as an individual. I am not suddenly viewing everyone as sex objects any more than I ever have in the past. And I find I don�t focus these thought necessarily on him, but he serves as the view of a possibility. Preferably of course with someone better suited to me in degree of understanding and age, but who is to say what life will bring. I still choose to take no action, simply for the fact that such pursuits still are not all that important to me. And just because I seem to be more aware of the physical aspects of life, it has not changed my daily actions or decisions.
All I can say is that I am actually enjoying this awakening. It gives my mind new things to ponder and broadens my understanding of life. In fact, it also seems to give me a stronger sense of control over the daily goings on of life. I have not been dwelling on my dissatisfactions at work so much. I merely go in, keep myself busy and find myself surprised that I didn�t end up totally hating the day afterwards. It�s a nice side trip on this path of life and I hope it teaches me much. It feels right and there is still that gentle voice that �all is as it should be� so I�m not worried. :-)
