Date unsure, but certainly the summer of 1983 or 1984.
My experience was somewhere around the age of 17 or 18 and during a time in my life when I had little or no joy. Having been in a severe depression state I sat one summer day in the reclining chair in our living room. My mind was in such turmoil and I desired and BEGGED with all my being (to whatever was out there, for I had no real sense of belief in God per se) to be released from my sense of emotional suffering. I wanted, NEEDED, so badly to escape from the misery and total sorrow I was in. I could not bear my life any longer, yet I knew from somewhere within me that I could not take my own life. Be it ethical, moral or spiritual in nature. *note-words in quotations are words that do not fully express the ideas or conceptions of the actual experiences, but are used for lack of better expressions.
Somehow I began to feel a bit "light". Perhaps from the single capsule of Midrin I had taken a few minutes before, or perhaps from something else. My desire was so great to "escape" from my misery and it was as if my consciousness somehow coalesced into a single, small sphere within my solar plexus region. It felt somehow liberating and ecstatic and I found that I could move my now "detached" consciousness throughout my body's form. I desperately searched for a way out of my own body and moved about within it's form, but could not find an exit. It was as if my body was hollow and the outline of my body was a thin, bluish outline of some sort of energy keeping me in it. Frustrated that I could not escape my physical form I stopped moving within it and had an idea.
I want to specify that my thoughts were just that, pure thought and not language. Some emotion, some intention and some postulation, but not in any way language oriented.
My idea was to expand my consciousness. And thus, through force of will, I concentrated on expanding my consciousness to become larger than the outline of my body. This proved successful and as my consciousness expanded beyond the body I was amazed that I could now "see" everything around my consciousness in every direction, all at once. I had no real sense of what my consciousness looked like. I guess, looking back, it was sort of a spherical shape of being or energy perhaps two or three feet in essence. But this is just a guess. There was no silver cord or anything connecting me to the body and I felt no connection to it whatsoever.
All of a sudden, I felt so incredibly free! I "saw/sensed" everything around me in the room and just wanted to get away from it all. So I directed by mere thought, my consciousness to go "up". I went through the ceiling and could still see in every direction. I saw the attic as I passed the interior ceiling and then as I went through the roof I saw everything at once. The sun, the clouds, the trees, the gravel in the driveway, feathers blowing in the wind along the ground, the vehicles, the neighbor's house, etc. etc. The feeling of liberation was so very incredible and intense and I just "decided" to continue going "up". It was a strange sensation looking back now. Not as though it was actual motion (though it seemed like it at first), but more like a changing of perception. It was more like everything else was moving or "shifting" as my perception changed. The earth moved away quickly as the vastness of space surrounded me. Both coming and going at the same time. I cannot express the sensation of heading to and away from things at the same time adequately in words, for there were no longer any "words", just being.
The elation of freedom and wonder seemed to be drawing me "somewhere out there", but I had no idea where I was going. I then began to notice threads and tendrils of a golden radiance within the folds of space. Not light per say, but some sort of radiant energy. As the motion of my perception change increased, the golden radiance grew more and more dominant until there was no longer outer space, but just a never ending expanse of this golden radiance. Infinite so far as I could tell. But my consciousness was being drawn to what seemed to be an overwhelming concentration of this radiance and it's "source". I remember the feeling of bewilderment and awe and seemed for a moment to just be stationary, looking toward the "source". It was then that I noticed other "essences" or souls moving toward the source in the "distance" or more like a difference/shift of perspective.
The "source" was pure joy, love, beauty and everything we deem good and true. And I wanted so much to be a part of it. And so I began to "move" toward it. But my "motion" was halted suddenly by the presence of another "essence" that seemed to simply come into being before me. There were no gates, boundaries or obstacles around me, just the presence of this "essence" which I could not go around. I "knew" that it was some consciousness of "authority" and I could not refute it in any way. There was a communication between it and I but again, not in language. More like a direct communication of the purest essence of being. There was absolute understanding and complete communication. In essence it told me that I could not continue, that it was not "my time". There was a vain sense of pleading to let me go to the "source" on my part, "knowing" full well that it was pointless. The "authority" was stern, definite, and yet compassionate and "knowing" all at once. The exchange seemed both to last an eternity and yet happen "all at once" at the same time. A strange sense of duality from time as physical beings perceive it. As if time had absolutely no real meaning in this form. So much was exchanged, and yet.....seemingly nothing at all. As if EVERYTHING was "known" to me, but that there was NOTHING at all. It was like being a part of absolutely everything at once, having no sense of individuality, but also like a total void of anything, save a sort of sense of peace and contentment. So very hard to express. A glimpse into both everything and nothing I guess.
Then, as if instantaneously, my eyes opened back in the chair in my family's living room. I was fully alert and aware, and when I opened my eyes I sobbed uncontrollably at the separation from the "vision" of the "source". I was back in the environment of my misery and wept for hours. But, over time, life's experiences began to change. The experience was always there with me, though increasingly harder to fully recall over time. The details faded over time like a dream, but the "essence" of it never waned. The expressions I use now to describe it do it little justice, but somehow seem adequate for the needs of this life.
Sometime after this experience, and because I wanted to return to that state of existence, I sat in that very chair with a rifle in my mouth. And though I was not afraid to die, and truly wanted to (and in fact, for reasons involving joy rather than sorrow, I am pretty much looking forward to it now) I somehow "knew" that I could not pull the trigger, and had some "purpose" to live my life until I could return "home". It was during that suicide contemplation that I adopted the guiding principle of my life. And that is, the search for, acceptance and understanding of ultimate Truth. That Truth which is beyond the everyday human perception. It has served me well and I have come a very long way from that depressed, suicidal person that I once was. But this took many years, as you will see, should you read further entries. These days I have become almost immune to fear and anger (though I am no stranger to annoyance and frustration). And though I am in no hurry to have this life end, I must admit that I feel joyful at the thought of returning to the "source".
Since that experience so long ago my present life has completely changed. Where I knew only ultimate misery and sorrow, I now know daily joy and appreciation. And though there are frustrations, impatience of ignorance and apathy and many of the disappointments of any life, there is always the gentle voice of the "spirit" which whispers softly, "all is as it should be". But keep in mind that I have included this entry after the ones before and after it. It took me many years to understand these things, and I had to endure many more years of depression, suffering and sorrow after I had this experience. This experience however, served as a constant reminder that things could be different. It somehow, on a barely conscious level at first, gave me hope. Always gnawing at the back of my awareness and ever present. Over time, I began learning how to �listen� to that constant presence of hope it engendered and the love of Truth was slowly fostered. Read on my friends, and perhaps you will see for yourselves how things began to evolve from here.
