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Heard any good ones lately? Here are some of my favorite jokes. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did! While there may be a few inuendos that will go over children's heads none of these has language that should offend anyone with a sense of humor...I hope. And if you do know any good ones, please, mail them to me via the box at the bottom!
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..." |
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it." |
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day. "The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" |
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap somemore. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 4) Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that's wanted by the police? Yep, there's a small, medium at large! 5) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 6) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 7) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" 8) A young man was trying to get a date with a beautiful young lady, but she kept putting him off. Finally, one Sunday after he continued to ask her out she invited him over to meet her parents. Once at her home she explained to the young man that her parents were nudist and enjoyed spending warm Sunday's such as this one in their backyard a la natural. She added that it would make a favorable impression on her parents if he would join them in the nude as well. Understandably, of course, the young man was reluctant until the young lady mentioned that she would also be present enjoying the family tradition of no clothing. Hearing this, the young man rushed into the bathroom to undress agreeing to meet her outside. Stripping to the buff he hurried outside to the backyard where the young lady's father, fully clothed, was sitting along with his fully clothed wife, their fully clothed minister, who was visiting, and the minister's fully clothed wife all who stood gaping at him in amazement. Meanwhile the young lady of his affection, also fully clothed, stood over in one corner giggling mischievously. It was then the young man learned an important lesson: (say it out loud now) You should never undress to meet the Pa of a woman. 9) Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico that was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff! The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo. 10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
One day a prim and proper little old lady bought herself a parrot for a pet which she named Sally. It wasn�t until she got her home and became attached to Sally that she realized Sally�s former owner had been a sailor with a foul mouth and nasty sense of humor. Sally would regularly break out into expletives and obscene suggestions as to various anatomical things that could be done to her all of which shocked and embarrassed her devout and very proper catholic owner. One day the little old lady�s priest was visiting when Sally broke out in one of her foul mouthed tirades suggesting that someone could �------*� her and then �----� her as well. The elderly lady didn�t understand much of what Sally suggested, but what little she did understand embarrassed her greatly. Breaking down into tears she explained the problem to her priest explaining that she had gotten very attached to Sally before she realized how foul her mouth was, but that she didn�t feel she could continue to put up with its regular stream of vulgarities. The priest consoled her and suggested he take Sally home with him for awhile. �I�ve two parrots of my own at home.� He explained. �Bob and Roger. My two boys are very devout and spend their entire day saying prayers and counting the rosary. Perhaps they could be a good influence on your bird.� The little old lady agreed and the priest took Sally with him. Once Sally was placed into the cage with Bob and Roger she took one look at them and suggested they �----� her. The two birds stared at Sally in surprise, but then the priest was then amazed to hear Bob tell Roger. �Put down those beads, buddy. Our prayers have been answered!� |
A completely inappropriate Christmas song, but kids love it. Sung to the tune of Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Randall the Runny Nosed Reindeer |
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