A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

Passengers say the takeoff was already delayed when the pilot came on the intercom to announce: "There's a warning light for the thermal expander valve on the number two engine and I will not fly until it is replaced. Please return to the terminal waiting room." The passengers were off the plane only ten minutes when they were told to get aboard again. One concerned lady asked a flight attendant, "Did they get the new thermal expander valve already?" The attendant said, "My land, no! There's not one of those things within a thousand miles. They got us a new pilot...."

A guy in India was visiting his friend in the hospital and was distressed at how badly he was injured. His entire body was covered with bloody cuts, stitches and bruises. "What happened?" he asked. "Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake." His friend replied weakly. It's a rare, but harmless snake that's black with orange stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck." "Go on," the friend said. "Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes." "Ok," the friend asked. "but if the snake is harmless how did you wind up like this?" "Tell me." The injured man replied. "Have you ever goosed a tiger?"

Do you know what the nice thing about a nudist wedding is? You don�t have to guess who the best man is.

A huge fire broke out on the grounds of a research plant and the winds were blowing the flames directly toward the primary research station. The owner of the plant called the fire department, but the flames were too intense and they couldn�t stop the fire from spreading. Knowing he would lose millions in research if the fire wasn�t stopped the owner sent out word over the radio that any fire department in the area that could stop the fire before it reached the research facility would receive a half million dollar donation. Fire companies from all over the county rushed over but no one could stop the spreading blaze; in fact, the heat was so intense that no one could even get close enough to the fire to matter. Finally up drove a rickety looking fire truck driven by a group of little old men who were volunteers from a small local county. The old decrepit fire truck came rushing over the hill to the plant, raced through its gate and drove directly into the center of the blaze. The old men jumped out of the fire truck and proceeded to fight the fire with an intensity that amazed onlookers until they finally extinguished the fire. Slowly, the exhausted fire fighters walked by toward the onlookers and when they reached the owner of the plant he told them �That was amazing. In fact, I�m so impressed at how quickly you put out that fire that I�m going to double my reward and pay you a million dollars for your trouble.� The elderly chief of the fire department nodded his head and said tiredly. �That�s great.� �What are you going to do with the money?� The plant owner inquired while writing the check. �Well,� The fire chief said. �The first thing we�re going to do is fix the brakes on that durned truck.�