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Jokes!

Heard any good ones lately? Here are some of my favorite jokes. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did! While there may be a few inuendos that will go over children's heads none of these has language that should offend anyone with a sense of humor...I hope. And if you do know any good ones, please, mail them to me via the box at the bottom!

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It's batty!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

Up, Up And Away

Passengers say the takeoff was already delayed when the pilot came on the intercom to announce: "There's a warning light for the thermal expander valve on the number two engine and I will not fly until it is replaced. Please return to the terminal waiting room." The passengers were off the plane only ten minutes when they were told to get aboard again. One concerned lady asked a flight attendant, "Did they get the new thermal expander valve already?" The attendant said, "My land, no! There's not one of those things within a thousand miles. They got us a new pilot...."

Harmless Snake?

A guy in India was visiting his friend in the hospital and was distressed at how badly he was injured. His entire body was covered with bloody cuts, stitches and bruises. "What happened?" he asked. "Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake." His friend replied weakly. It's a rare, but harmless snake that's black with orange stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck." "Go on," the friend said. "Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes." "Ok," the friend asked. "but if the snake is harmless how did you wind up like this?" "Tell me." The injured man replied. "Have you ever goosed a tiger?"

The Essential Guide to Women's English:

Yes = No - No = Yes - Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
And the Rebuttal:

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Nudist Wedding

Do you know what the nice thing about a nudist wedding is? You don�t have to guess who the best man is.

The Fire Department

A huge fire broke out on the grounds of a research plant and the winds were blowing the flames directly toward the primary research station. The owner of the plant called the fire department, but the flames were too intense and they couldn�t stop the fire from spreading. Knowing he would lose millions in research if the fire wasn�t stopped the owner sent out word over the radio that any fire department in the area that could stop the fire before it reached the research facility would receive a half million dollar donation. Fire companies from all over the county rushed over but no one could stop the spreading blaze; in fact, the heat was so intense that no one could even get close enough to the fire to matter. Finally up drove a rickety looking fire truck driven by a group of little old men who were volunteers from a small local county. The old decrepit fire truck came rushing over the hill to the plant, raced through its gate and drove directly into the center of the blaze. The old men jumped out of the fire truck and proceeded to fight the fire with an intensity that amazed onlookers until they finally extinguished the fire. Slowly, the exhausted fire fighters walked by toward the onlookers and when they reached the owner of the plant he told them �That was amazing. In fact, I�m so impressed at how quickly you put out that fire that I�m going to double my reward and pay you a million dollars for your trouble.� The elderly chief of the fire department nodded his head and said tiredly. �That�s great.� �What are you going to do with the money?� The plant owner inquired while writing the check. �Well,� The fire chief said. �The first thing we�re going to do is fix the brakes on that durned truck.�

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