REDNECK IF.........
PART 1
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
You think that spam on a saltine is an hors d'ouevre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half your cars run.
The primary color on your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You have refused to watch the academy awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size botle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
Your favorite christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy! Hey! or How Yall doing?
You've been too drunk to fish.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
You have a hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H fair.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve....
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
Three quarters of the cloths you own have Logos on them.
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? is ther parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
You'd rather catch bass than get some.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars comming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
Ya celebrate groundhogs day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You fish in your above ground pool (especially if you catch something!)
Getting a package from yhour post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I will Always Love You."
You grow Vedalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car.....on purpose!
