It's time, once again, to rank the WWF superstars. For the unintiated, this is where yours truly decides who is tops in the WWF according to the criteria of ring ability, mic ability, pop, current storyline, and title situation. Feel free to respond, even to challenge my rulings. The previous ranking for each superstar is shown in parenthesis.
1. (2) Kurt Angle- First off, let me state that Angle isn't #1 merely because he is Champion. I don't play that way, the title is important, but not a guarantee of first place. In fact, over the past two months the title has taken a back-seat to the Triple H/ Austin feud. However, with his continued success over top contenders like Kane, Rock and HHH, along with the slippage of others (see below), Angle becomes de-facto numero uno.
2. (7) Triple H- Here's why Triple H, one half of the story getting the most push, is not number 1. Despite the compelling nature of the match-up, which will be the first real matchup between the two in two years (the other times, Helmsley was too injured to compete), Helmsley hadn't fought as many meaningful matches as Angle. However, with his swerve on Austin, plus good matchups against Rock and Angle, and Angle and Trish (with Stephanie), he jumps five spots and is poised for number one.
3. (4) The Rock- Not a bad couple of weeks for the Great One. His tag match with Jericho against Benoit and the Big Show was fantastic, with Rocky being the feature player. Then score a victory over those three and a title shot on Xtreme, and things look good for the busiest man in showbiz. It now looks as though The Rock may indeed fight in the main event at Wrestlemania X-Seven (I guess they realize we can't read Roman Numerals after 15), since Austin vs. Helmsley two PPVs in a row won't do.
4. (1) Stone Cold Steve Austin- Here's why Austin drops three spots despite being the other half of the top feud in the WWF: since winning the Rumble (and really, what did he do to win the Rumble? He was the last man to enter the ring and only eliminated one man, with the help of multiple chair-shots) all Austin has done is get punked out by Triple H and drink a lot of beer. What an athlete.
5. (5) Chris Jericho- Got to tangle with the Big Boys for awhile, which is not unusual. Whenever one of the top guys is hurt, Jericho usually fills the void. So despite being the Intercontinental Champion, he fought for Heavyweight contendership, although if you believe some wrestling magazines, being IC Champ makes you #1 contender. That's like saying the winner of the NIT in NCAA Basketball makes you #2. In any case, good couple of weeks for Y2J; great two weeks if you consider what kind of bumps and bruises he must be fighting through after the ladder match.
6. (6) Chris Benoit- The same goes for the Rabid Wolverine. I think I'll keep talking about that match for awhile, so get used to it. Even Jim Ross, a man who has seen it all, thinks the Benoit/ Jericho Ladder Match was one of the best matches he'd seen in 20 years in the business. The challenge now, for both men, is to top it.
7. (-) The Big Show- Here's where the rankings get difficult. Do I treat it as a culmulative list, and thus a performer must work his way up, or are the rankings more weighted toward the time in-between the lists? In the case of the Show, it is obvious I chose the later. I didn't miss this guy while he was gone, but now I appreciate the element of power that only he can bring. Right now it is pretty awe-inspiring.
8. (10) Lita- It's good to see Lita in wrestling-shape now (it is good to see Lita in any shape). However, I am more than a little upset that she did not win the Women's Title on Smackdown Xtreme. I understand that heels have to win titles, otherwise they wouldn't pose real threats. But enough is enough! Lita is the most popular woman in Federation history, give her the strap. It's not like the Title is very prestigious, but with it she can fight opponents without a feud. This would do two things: give her more air-time, (which not only gives my life meaning, but also is what the WWF fans are demanding) and would let us see Lita fight the likes of Trish and Molly Holly. Maybe they're building something for No Way Out.
9. (9) Kane- The Big Red Machine looks poised for a big push, but he always looks poised for a big push. Nevertheless, Kane has always been best used in combination with a charismatic teammate (see: X-Pac), so his partnership with his "brother" should help. He won't win the WWF Championship, but there are plenty of other kinds of pushes. Contrary to how it may seem, the Heavyweight Title doesn't change hands that often (don't believe me? Check out my Year in Review)
10. (8) The Undertaker- The Dead Man drops two spots because of his involvement with Kane. Since it looks as though the Taker will be one half of a tag-team, his singles position is affected. Nothing personal, I actually think the Taker and Kane vs. Rikishi and Haku will be good for all involved, since the Undertaker shouldn't be involved in the WWF Title hunt this close to Wrestlemania X-Seven (the WWF sure is pushing this whole "X" thing, huh?)
11. (12) Rikishi- Expect Rikishi, Haku, Undertaker and Kane to exchange each other as opponents until No Way Out, unless Smackdown Xtreme was the last of it. But I'm sure it wasn't since the Phat Man and his partner got up after the match to get more licks into their foes. That's how wrestling says "To Be Continued".
12. (16) Raven- Me last time: "I don't care who the driver is. Do you?". Well, now I care. It's weird how making a character female suddenly makes things interesting. Time for me to make a fearless prediction: I think the mysterious woman in black is Tori. But it could be Victoria, otherwise known as Ho #1.
13. (11) Vince McMahon- Ol' Vince continues to play the fool at the beck and call of Trish, which doesn't really help his character. Also, his new catchphrase "in the interests of fairness" is annoying as hell. Wrestling purists should be happy: the first non-ring performer didn't appear until #13. However, I care little for wrestling purists: the "good ol' days" consisted of out-of-shape men lining up to job to Hogan. What entertainment!
14. (13) Trish Stratus- Me last time: "It is now up to [Trish] to show that her abilities entail more than wiping ranch dressing off her chest". Call me crazy, but bubble-baths don't show improvement (well, I guess it depends on your perspective). Too bad, her vs. Stephanie had possibilities.
15. (3) Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley- Now the non-ring performers are coming fast-and-furious. From off the list, to #3 to #14, non-ring performers like Stephanie move up and down the rankings quicker than Trish moves up and down on Vince. This is because they have less criteria to live up to: in-ring performance, title picture and meaningful matchups don't apply. With Stephanie back to serving as a valet, her relevance drops like a rock.
16. (18) Test- No sooner than I place Test on the Top 20, foreseeing his push, does he go out and win the European Title. He won for two reasons: first, William Regal is injured. Second, it's time to give Test a push and it will be up to him to sink or swim from there. I think he'll do fine.
17. (17) Chyna- Busy girl. Apparently. She's been on a handful of shows (I didn't see any of them) and her book should hit #1 on the New York Times Best Sellers list. None of this was on WWF programming, though. So, while she may be increasing her celebrity, she gains no spots in the Rankings. If she only knew.
18. (15) "The One" Billy Gunn- How does Billy fall behind Chyna, who he's had to promote on WWF shows? Because he's been promoting Chyna. It seems as though "the One" has nothing else to do (besides serving as the Big Show's bitch) than to talk about Chyna. Gaining popularity through Chyna is nothing new (Kane, Jericho and Eddie Guerrero did it), but she actually has to be there for it work.
19. (-) Shawn Michaels- To fill the gaping hole left by the newly-departed Mideon, the Federation finally signed the man we've all been waiting for: Justin Credible! No, I am, of course, referring to non-other than the Heartbreak Kid himself, who is reportedly (legitimate reports for a change) close to signing a deal that will return the only Grand Slam title holder in WWF history to the promotion he helped tread water a few years back. Should be good.
20. (-) The Kat- Usually I like the low-brow sexual inneundos and jiggly ring-babes in the WWF, but that was a bit much on Smackdown Xtreme. I was fine with the smack-you-over-the-head-obvious puns, but then she just came out and said it. Also, not that the Kat isn't attractive, but if you're going to have women serve merely as eye-candy, couldn't the WWF do better? It seems as though third-world wrestling productions have hotter chicks than the WWF.
1. (1) The Dudley Boyz- Did anyone else hold their breath when D-Von and Matt Hardy collided with that table on Smackdown! Xtreme? It looked like one of their head's clipped an edge. Apparently they're both okay, but carelessness like that could have paralysed someone. Remember kids: do not try this at home!
2. (3) The Hardy Boyz- Can you believe there were internet rumours that Matt and Jeff were breaking up? Over what? The Royal Rumble? These guys are hotter than ever, winning Tag Team of the Year on WWF.com, but still have a ways to go until they can stand on their own. Hell, by the time these guys are ready to stand on their own, Jeff will probably have lost the ability to walk.
3. (4) APA- Some good matches by those boys who love to fight, same goes for Jackie. Did you catch Bradshaw's facial expression when he was coming down the ramp with Jeff Hardy on Smackdown? That alone was worth a jump in the Rankings.
4. (2) Edge and Christian- With Edge missing some time due to the death of his mother-in-law, E and C fall two spots. Still the best tag-team in wrestling, the top of the tag-team division is just too competitive to miss time and not drop.
5. (6) Kai en tai- This bit is just too good. They deserve a jump. The WWF is once again proving itself the most democratic TV show out there, by giving their fans more of what they what they respond to. Makes sense if you ask me. It's time these two got some new togs though.
6. (-) Kane and The Undertaker- As I was saying earlier, I like this pairing. Sure, it's been done before, but these two need something to do. One question: how do you make sure a First Blood Match goes as planned? I know how you can get the right guys to bleed, toss them a razor blade or use fake blood. But how do you keep the wrong guys from bleeding?
7. (-) Rikishi and Haku-One of these guys is going to have to start talking for this feud to be equal. Bonzai-drops and falling head-buts are fine, but they have a long way to go to match Undertaker's "I like to bleed; it turns me on" promo. As long as they don't become Headshrinker Phatu and Headshrinker Haku they'll be okay.
8. (4) Right To Censor- I was actually on Steven Richards' side on Thursday. Audiences with children shouldn't even hear the term "full-frontal nudity". Condolences go out to Val for his loss (I'll go back to hating these guys next time).
9. (9) Lo Down- Hope they enjoyed their title shot (which of course was nothing more than a job), now that Tiger Ali Singh has a concussion, the whole team will be kept off the air (will anyone notice the difference?).
10. (8) Too Cool- Scotty and Grandmaster have done absolutely nothing of late (at least K-Kwik played the fool for Tazz and Kai en tai), as a result, they suffer the ultimate indignity, sitting below Lo Down on the Rankings.
