Back to my home pageBack to GeoCities Home PageEvery human ever born had parents. Many have brothers and sisters. Some of those relationships are very strong and remain strong throughout the course of a lifetime.
Some of these relationships are "cool", where there is an unspoken respect and reliance upon one another, but ther is not the true spiritual and emotional bond that one would characterize as a close relationship.
(yet another coming out story)
As a gay man in my mid 20's, I took a close look at the relationships I have with my immediate family. My parents, two brothers and sister are all kind, intelligent, decent people. I thought because I was 25, I could realistically expect to know my 35 year old sister, my oldest sibling, for another 40 years! My parents were in their late 50's, and our long-lived ancestry would keep them around and active for decades as well. I dreamed how wonderful it would be to have the kind of relationship with them that, as adults, we could be proud of; more than just keeping up to date on events in our lives, sharing birthdays and holidays, etc.
Two years my elder, we shared a small room for about 6 years... boy did we fight. I truly believe the music is the best indicatior of someone's general personality... so him liking Black Sabbath and me liking ABBA tells you a lot about how we got along.
When he was getting married, he bestowed upon me the honour of being one of his ushers... and I felt that it was an honour. Although we had never been really close (actually, we fought a lot), he had many friends he could ask, but he put out his hand to me.
I didn't want to have the fact that I am gay be a secret between us if he was going to have me in his wedding party. I didn't give him the credit he deserved, in retrospect... I thought his reaction would be negative, and he'd be disgusted. Still, I wanted him to have a happy wedding, and I didn't want to "taint" the memory of his wedding by having a faggot in his wedding party, if it was going to be a problem for him.
Well, "Of course they already know..." is probably an accurate way to describe the situation. He was taken off guard at me saying "Michael, we need to talk..." but his initial reaction was suprisingly bland. He may have been stunned, but there was no friction... and he actually suggested I tell our parents immediately!
Distance keeps our communication at a minimum now, (he lives with his wife and daughter in Moscow) but he is continually showing he cares for me... although I love my job, he is trying to recruit me to use my computer skills in Moscow, and make big bucks, be near him and his wife... but I'm not trading being a second-class citizen in Canada for being a eighth-class citizen in Russia. Sorry, Mike! The fags just DON'T DO WELL in Russia! Another time, when he was home for a few weeks, the day he arrived, I was strapped for cash, and couldn't fill the tank with gas to drive to Burlington to visit with him. He would not take "I'll see you in 3 days" for an answer. He got my bank account number, went to the local branch and made a deposit for me to extract at the nearest ATM. I filled my car with gas and met them all for dinner. It really is the little things that mean a lot! (sniff.. I have something in my eye)
Although my sister is 10 years older than me, she and I have a very similar disposition. That's why I didn't feel so fantastic when I told her I was gay, and she started right in on the "it's unnatural" thing. I knew her bonds to her religious upbringing had been strengthened over the years... having a family does that to people. I didn't know that the conditioning had also been reinforced. Instead of rethinking her views on homosexuality, I guess she decided to rethink her opinion of me. I love her dearly, but the fantasy of having her actually be interested if I was dating or happy in a relationship, or heck, talking about men with her is never going to happen. At least not with her mindset the way it is now.
I don't want to paint a picture of her as being a bigot. She has a moral belief that homosexuality is wrong. I take the position that sexual morality, as defined by organized religion, is extrapolated from vague translations and reinterpretations of the writings of men who may or may not have been diseased, insane or superstitious, or who may have let their personal disgust with certain sexual acts colour the tone of their "divine inspiration". That's not to say I don't believe in God, and how can I disrespect her for having "morals", even if I do disagree? I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to let it interfere with my life. She is a sweet, loving woman, a good mother, and an excellent bargain-shopper... but I don't feel comforatable talking about my personal life with her, like I hoped I could.
The awkward task of coming out to ones parents is usually done under duress. I mean, it's not something you just kind of DO. There's usually a reason, not the least of which is "I can't hide it anymore." My brother in Moscow, in a conversation with my father, let it slip. My next conversation with my dad included a mention that "Michael told me something about you..." Dad simply said that he loved me. That's all. No lecture (well, he did ask me once how far I was "leaning" that way, and I thought "Dad, I fell over YEARS ago!: :-) )
My mother is the lowest-common denominator here. Telling her would NOT be pretty. She probably suspects, but thinks it's a phase or an idea I got from watching TEE vee. Or just that I'm shy with women. Yeah. Shy. Even though my brother Stephen ALSO found out (by finding this site through Four11 or something!) my mom is left in the dark, some say, for "her own good". Maybe one day, I'll have a wonderful man in my life that she'll grow to love as much as I know she loves me.
As time goes on, my family and I seem to be able to talk more freely. I hope my nieces and nephew don't grow into adults without knowing who I really am.
All this introspection... can you tell I just turned 30? :-)
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