In the begining...
Like others I know the years took their toll and I nearly cracked-up
with guilt and anxiety. I tried really hard to be a good 'normal' boy. I
liked girls after all, and I even had a couple of girl friends, and later
got married to someone whom I love very much. All that still did not change
the inner core of me. I knew what I wanted from the time I was 7. I just
never thought it was possible. Especially given the fact that I lived in
a small town in northern Maryland and intense paranoia kept me from asking
any questions that I needed to have answered. I stuffed all my feelings
and only dealt with them when they surfaced, which seemed to be every couple
of months. I could go a lot longer than that if I were distracted with whatever
hot project I happened to be interested in at the time; music, art, or computer
stuff, but usually I could expect a 'visitor' at least a couple of times
a year. Three years ago my confusion about my gender issues came to a violent
crescendo. I could no longer function properly, not having any answers to
this lifelong dilemma. I had anxiety to the point where I would literally
shake in my shoes. I could barely focus my mind on my job, or my personal
life, which was rapidly deteriorating. I had to do something.
One day when I had stayed home from work because my anxiety induced paranoia
was at a level where I was sure my co-workers would be able to read my mind,
I nervously looked through the phone book and found a number for the Department
of Health and Mental Hygeine. There was a pleasant woman on the other end
of the line who was very helpful. I requested that she send me anything
she might have on GID. After I had accomplished this very first difficult
task, I had a sense of relief, but it was short lived. I immediately began
to fret over someone intercepting my mail and finding out the truth. It
was only after I received the package from DHMH that I felt I could breath
easier. I read and re-read the material enclosed in the plain white folder.
I had finally found some clinical evidence that what I had experienced all
my life was real and not just a sick imagination on my part. There were
some referenced material in the articles I had received and I followed-up
on them as best I could. It seemed as though the info I had gotten was somewhat
dated, and I had to track some of the leads farther than I would have liked.
I was however, able to find the adresses and phone numbers of some organizations
which were very helpful initially.
I began to compile material from several sources. Meanwhile, my time became
occupied with recording music. It was a welcome distraction in that I got
some relief from my inner conflict by being so involved in learning multi-track
recording techniques. I was writing alot of material that expressed my beliefs,
both philosophic and religious. It was at this point where I hit a huge
snag. How could I write and perform music that proclaimed my life in Christ
when I had the feelings that I did? This realization stopped me dead in
my tracks. As a consequence both my music and my condition stagnated. I
couldn't move forward with either one. I became frustrated and depressed.
I believe it was at this point when I began to seek heavenly intervention.
I asked God for help and guidance in this matter. I sincerely believe that
God answered my prayers when he allowed me the strength and courage to go
forward and seek help.
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