The chase is on...

Slowly and very, very cautiously I began to contact professional help. I played phone tag with some counselors in Baltimore for nearly a month before getting an appointment. When I showed for the appointment almost two agonizing weeks later, I was told by the receptionist that the Doctor had scheduled over my date and would have to reschedule. I was so miffed leaving Baltimore, I could barely see to drive. Maybe this is a sign I thought, maybe I don't need to talk to a counselor, but I was determined to at least go through an evaluation session. When I met with the Doctor a week later I was surprized to find the atmosphere very relaxed and non-judgemental. The Doctor was a pleasant, petite woman in her mid-to-late thirties, with an 'earthy' quality to her blonde hairstyle and manner of dress. In the three hour conversation that followed I unleashed a lifetime of shame, guilt, fear, and pain. Oddly enough, at the end of the session the Doctor told me what I had already suspected,... that she believed I indeed had GID.

We scheduled another appoinment at that time and I left feeling somewhat better but also somewhat apprehensive, for now there was verification of what I had believed most of my life. I knew that this was not the final word on my condition. I also knew that since I was diagnosed with GID the ball was in my court. What was I going to do with it? The next eight months were filled with me spilling my guts to the Doctor. I told her absolutely everything. I told her things I wouldn't even admit to if someone else asked. All this was very liberating but it didn't do anything for my situation. No one else knew what was going on with me except my wife and she was less than thrilled with the very implication of the diagnosis.
Somewhere along the line it was suggested to me that I was mildly depressed. Oh great! I thought not only GID but depression as well, what will my family think? I fought and fought the Dr.'s suggestion that I might consider anti-depressants. After telling my mother and father about me, I figured there was no reason to continue fighting against taking medication.

Now that I am starting to feel better, I find that my situation negatively impacts alot of my family. Sometimes I think they would rather see me appear normal and be miserable than to contradict what society says is normal and enjoy happiness. I intend to do what I feel is right, if it's not the direction I need to go in then with God's help, I can get on the right path. I've told almost everyone in my wife's family about my situation. The most understanding so far seems to come from her mother, the person whom I expected to be the least sympathetic. Her father has been true to form but has some instinctive sense of loyalty, or is just able to reflect on his own life, and has decided to afford me some kindness. Both my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law, the two people whom I have always regarded as being intelligent and analytical enough to draw informed opinions, have turned their backs on me and renounced me as morally destitute. My nephew who also happens to be a dear friend, has since regurgitated their feelings, and has more or less issued an ultimatum on their behalf; either straighten up and fly right, or we will be forced to 'mark you for avoidance'.
Of course I am greatly saddened by this behavior, but I have learned in the past that sometimes those who protest the most upfront, can often relax their stance and become allies. Only time will tell.

My wife has offered to 'patch things up' in light of the fact that she has been less than successful in finding Mister Right out in the singles scene. Not that she won't eventually be able to find a qualified bachelor worthy of her love. I just believe that she is finding that the grass isn't always greener. She still doesn't seem to realize that our marriage had several fatal flaws prior to my decision to go ahead with therapy. It was those flaws that brought us to the point of seperation, and not my situation as she would have everyone think. My GID is but the final blow to an already weak relationship. I know that this scenario is ripe for heated argrument regarding what should have been disclosed prior to the marriage. I also have some issues pertaining to that. I believe that neither she nor myself, nor most people in the world completely lay their souls bare before marriage. The reason (at least in part) I believe is fear. If a person is totally secure in themselves and their future spouse, then I think there is little to be afraid of, however the very nature of us both is immensely insecure, not to mention throwing a healthy dollop of low self esteem into the stew of unresolved issues, and personal inner conflicts. Not a very good starting point for two people about to join together for life. I am not saying that at some point we couldn't have repaired our marriage, but our status brings to mind the old adage; " too little, too late". Additionally, my issues complicated matters then, just as they are complicating matters now.

I am just begining to find out who I am, I believe that she is going to have to go through the same process (of self awareness) to fully realize any kind of relationship now or in the future. It is so true, the saying,... "You cannot love someone else, if you do not love yourself" I think that is the case with both of us...

Update!... (new pic too!)

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