Update!...
Sorry, this pic is going too. It doesnt really represent what I look like now. Sometime soon I hope to post some pics that are a little more realistic. Not that this one was fake or anything... it wasn't. It just doesn't show me in a very good light. Most of my new pics show me with a nice big smile on my face. I'm much happier with myself now than when that pic was taken. =-)
Another new one taken on 9/1/99, see that smile? It's because with every passing day, month, and year I am feeling more comfortable with who I am, regardless of what mainstream society OR some folks in the TG community tell me I am. But I digress...
I didn't intend this page to become a monument for my own bitterness.
I would like to share my joy as well as my pain. With that in mind, here
is a sampling,... My wife and I have separated. We are headed for the inevitable.
Funny thing, all the years of intense and almost fanatical dedication (to
her) on my part, have dissolved into meaningless and futile gestures. (I gave her the finger the other day... immature yes, but compared to the sheer feeling of satisfaction I got from it, it was well worth it. Just kidding folks!! It seemed to fit really well with the lame point I was making) She
is dating quite steadily with a constant influx of new prospects. She claims
to want to remain friends, but the stinging comment she makes regularly,
"If you were normal, we'd still be married" keeps me from opening
my heart to her once more.
I have been fortunate enough to discontinue the use of anti-depressants.
I've felt more focused and alive in past few weeks than I have in the past
11 years. I have some very 'up' moments, punctuated by some cyclical down
periods. *There used to be a nice story here, but circumstances have changed. I've irritated a lot of folks in the Transgendered Chat Community I suppose.
Chronologically incorrect Update 9/8/98
21 months out,... my X is remarried, pregnant and happy as a lark! Woo-Hoo!!!!
Update 11/13/97
My awareness of others reactions to me has become heightened. When this first began occuring last winter, I felt paranoid and unsure if people were really reacting to my feminized appearance or a combination of my height and feminization. I went through that 'are they looking at/making fun of me'? thing for quite an extended period and still am to a degree. Although now I believe I'm getting to the point where I'm more amused by it than upset. I attended an Airshow in my hometown recently and received some very mixed reactions.
The first incident occured as I walked past two pudgy girls sitting under a tent, one happened to notice my bare legs and nudged the other to take a look, they both then tittered and gawked,... I smiled at them and walked on. In another incident a close friend of the family (my Dad, two brothers and my 3 year old nephew were with me) spoke to everyone but fell silent when her gaze rested upon me. Being polite, I waved a sheepish little wave and she responded with a languid little wave of her own and an obvious look of confusion on her face. She clearly did not recognize me. I didn't bother to prove my identity.
Next I encountered a friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in quite a number of years. I waved dramatically at her and she paused to look at me. She didn't know me. I removed my sunglasses and she made the connection. We hugged and began talking, I noticed her eyes scanning my face and registering rather obviously in her expression that something was unfamiliar. She commented on how much weight I had lost, I wondered if she had noticed my breasts. I hadn't worn a bra this day, and was feeling a bit self conscious. We talked a little more and as we parted we agreed to 'call each other,... sometime...' I guess we'll see. I've always liked this woman. She has always represented the kind of woman I wanted to be,... tall, beautiful, intelligent and independent. I felt a sort of kinship with her, even though I dared never to tell her about the real me.
I walked over to the food tents and as I stood in line for a drink I noticed some more reactions. Some people obviously did not notice me, and probably did not care that I was a little different. Others however, made it quite clear verbally that they did not know the gender of the person they happened to be looking at. I think at some point in transition you become hyper-sensitive to the 'is that a guy'? dialog.
One gentleman exclaimed to his partner,... "Lookit the hair on that!!,... Uh,... is that a Guy?,... or is that a Girl!??!" My hair is a very striking auburn and falls off my shoulders not quite to the middle of my back. I really like it, does that make me vain!??! :) Actually, I am encouraged sometimes that people have trouble identifying my gender. I feel like I am reaching a point where it may be possible to be convincing in my new role. I left the Airshow, not with bitterness and resentment as in the past, but with new hope and maybe some new understanding. We're all human. It's a natural reaction to want to know with whom or what you are dealing with. You don't treat a man as you would a woman and vice versa, I could be wrong but, I think we want to be treated equitably as human beings, I don't think that men and women necessarily want to be related to in a generic or standardized way as far as emotional interactions are involved.
As a side note I must mention that I saw my ex-wife at the Air show strolling happily with her boyfriend, with their arms lovingly wrapped around each other. It hurt,... I didn't want to look, but I could not turn away. I stood there frozen in silence. I just can't reconcile to myself why I could not convince her to participate in life. To go forth and enjoy life and live it with zeal. Now, here she was doing those things with someone else. Things that I could never convince her to do,... not only did it hurt, it made me angry.
Earlier in the day I had visited the City park where we had been married nearly 12 years before. It was beautiful, sunny, and cool. I walked through the park and took in all the sights and sounds and smells of an early autumn day. When I came to the arch where we stood hand in hand on October 25th, 1985, I began to weep. I remembered how she radiated as she was escorted down the walk-way by her Father. I remembered all the hope and joy I shared with her on that day. I remembered the autumn sun casting a golden glow around us as we stood there before God. The voices of his creatures echoing across the pond, as we said our vows.
On this morning, those vows lay shattered, useless, meaningless. Tears cascaded softly down my cheeks and stained the soil at my feet. I walked slowly away from the arch. I climbed the great wooden staircase up to the edge of the park grounds and I turned to leave,... empty of her.
I have more to tell you!,... especially about my on-going disclosure at work. Everyone in my immediate department now knows about me, and I went to Human Resources and told the manager about Robin. Want to hear more?... Stay tuned!!!! (Okay!,... so I broke the irritating blink rule!,... So sue me!)
Update for May is in the woiks!! So much has happened since November of last year I won't be able to accurately recount it in it's entirety. But you know me,... I'll make the effort! (not too verbose!,... NOT!!) Oh!! I'll probably have a few new pics to post. The old ones are getting on my nerves. The angles of my face have evolved a bit, and HRT is doing it's thing!! So I really think I'm starting to look more natural and soft. KEWL! Huh????
Update 7/13/98
I know!, I know!!,... I'm two months late on this update. But seriously, things are moving so fast I've barely had time to write. Here is but a small taste of my doings since 1998 began.
I cannot possibly begin to relate all my experiences of the last 9 - 10 months. It's been a wild ride!! I will however, attempt to piece together for your reading enjoyment/amusement, a journal of sorts.
Morning, December 29th 1997, and I'm on the couch, totally relaxed and very content. My Christmas Holiday was to conclude this day, but I was ready. I had just experienced one of the most peaceful, and honest Christmas' with my family ever. I was recharged and energetic, ripe to return to work.
Everything felt right with my world. Before the Holidays I had written my fellow employee's a letter of my intentions for the New Year. They had received it well and I decided to use it as a template for my letter to my family. My Mom had already received a copy of it, I don't know if she read it or not. She and I had a blow-up due to a money thing. You see, in my family there is no such thing as an honest confrontation. No one asks questions, no one confronts. Instead, things are allowed to fester and build until it is no longer possible to be objective about anything. I joked about it with a friend of mine. I told her that the anger was the launch vehicle, and all the issues that had built up were the payload. If delivered in a rage, it would be devestating to the recipient, and,... normally it was.
I was preparing myself for the inevitable. It had been two years since I began counseling and the long, slow process of transition from the male gender to the female. I had been on hormones for approximately 20 months. Long enough to realize some very distinct changes in my physical appearance. My face had smoothed out incredibly, and even riddled with ever dwindling, yet to be electrolysized hair, my skin had become quite soft and supple. There were other changes to be sure. My breasts had become quite prominent, they were still not rounded out and completely formed, but they were mine.The baby fat around my middle was slowly migrating to my hip and buttocks. I retained my V-taper, allmost bodybuilder like frame, but the feminization was undeniable.
I was prepared to begin living as a woman. I was forcing myself to go into stores and buy clothes for myself. It was difficult, but an ethereal sort of synapse fatigue was taking place and each time it seemed less painful and tedious. I had begun to deal with the fact that I would have to be responsible for buying my own cosmetics and clothes. I didn't want to be an armchair shopper, that is, I didn't want to have to order everything from catalogs. In case of ill-fitting or poorly made clothes it would be easier to just return them to a local shop. I was seriously considering re-locating to someplace I could totally transition and then return home. It seemed so much easier that I go somewhere where no one knew me, therefore my chances of getting read were 50/50. In my hometown,... getting read would be a daily experience. Now I have considered the fact that I would still be getting read by people who knew the previous 'me', when I returned. Somehow I figured the year or so absence would make a difference. I wouldn't be distracted by my past so much.
All these things were swimming around in my mind, but I had peace about them. I remember lying there on the couch gazing out at the wintery scene, smiling, warm, and confident. The phone rang and sighing, I reached over to pluck it from the base. Hello?.... I offered in my most pleasant feminie voice. Rob?.... I'm looking for Rob B****?... "This is Rob", I responded, now lowering my tone a bit. This is Anna,... do you remember me? I did indeed. Anna and I lived together for several months some13 years past. We had a brief but interesting relationship. I was docile and timid. A personality that didn't fit with my 'stage' personality. I was a struggling muscian that had more confidence on stage in front of many people than in a one to one situations. She was pretty, bold, outgoing, and full of opinion, and rebellion. We both liked to indulge ourselves in the endless pursuit of partying. Our relationship came to an abrupt halt when Lisa (my X) began to display overt enthusiasm for becoming more than just my friend's little sister.
Of course I remember you! I laughed into the phone. How are you? What are you doing? I'll be in town tonight, she replied. I'm living in Colorado now, and I'm visiting Mom for the Holidays,... I had a dream about you a few weeks ago. I wanted to call, but I wasn't sure if you were still married or what,... her voice trailed off and I told her that my divorce had just been final in November. I'd like to come see you if I could Rob? Of course I replied, not knowing exactly how to approach the subject of my transition over the phone. Would tonight be Okay? she inquired.... If you come up here tonight, you'll get snowed in, we're expecting a big storm. I'll take my chances,... I'll just stay at my friends house if I get stuck, you can pick me up there?
I agreed,... I knew that in my heart, I would waste no time telling her about myself that very evening. I had come to the point where I didn't feel the need to hide anymore. If she could handle it and still wanted to be friends, Great!! If not,... no loss.
More Soon!!
Get This! 9/8/98
I've started playing music again. I've joined a blues band that has very quickly become popular in my little home town. I told all the guys in the band about me and they were really Cool about it. I'm having a good time with it!! It's sort of my chance to go face to face with some of the people who figured I'd bury my head in the sand. (I am after all, attempting to transition in my home town) It's doing my spirit good. Sometime soon, I'll post some info on the band and if the guys don't mind, maybe I'll post some pics!
Things R' a-poppin'! 12/9/98
Yep! Some really weird suff is happening! I had to quit the band for health reasons (couldn't deal with the smoke and attitudes in the bar scene). My folks freaked on me, then we made up just in time for Thanksgiving. Have been fighting like mad to gain the respect and monetary benefits that my job USED to include before I came out as a transsexual. What's a title without a salary adjustment?... Not a lot, except added responsibility. Discovered that my FORMER electrologist was improperly epilating my facial hair which has set me back a good year in my transition plans.
Long Time No Update 8/25/99
Sorry it's been so long. I've hit a dry spell. The news is that I've written about half of the begining chapter of what I'll call my mini-autobiography. So far, the very few people who have looked it over thought it was pretty amusing. That's a good word for me. I don't want to write some morbid - maudlin account of all my experiences, although some of them have been fairly depressing. Life is good in general, I'm happy to be breathing and in good health. I've been going to a new electrologist and things seem to be improving there also. My housemate and I have decided that marriage is not the best thing for us right now. I still have a large amount of self discovery to do and I don't want to rule out any possibilities by locking into a marriage. I think it would be unfair to her and myself. (jeeze!! that sounds very non-commital and guy like doesn't it?) *lol* Hopefully, sometime in the not too distant future I'll do a major upgrade here. The place is getting a little too static. Also (and I mean it this time) look for some new pics. The old ones are SOoooooo tired.
More... Long Time No Update 9/8/99
See those fading pics? I'm definitely retiring them. They really don't represent how I look anymore. I'll more than likely be posting some new pics in the next couple of months. One thing I always wanted to do was to get a really nice professional shot done. I think I'm finally able to do that without feeling afraid. I'm still transitioning (is there ever really an 'end' to transition?) in my home town, but by the grace of God my fears are slowly waning about appearing in public dressed appropriately. That doesn't mean I don mini-skirts and frightfully challenging footwear and a ton of make-up.
As a matter of fact much like most women, I don't really like to put on a load of cosmetics. Most of the time my dress is VERY casual... some might even call it 'sloppy', but I DO so enjoy jeans and a nice big ol' floppy flannel shirt that's about 2 sizes too big for me now. And I KNOW this will come as a horrible shock to some.... but I still like to wear my big old clunky hiking boots too! I'll say it again (just in case I forgot where I said it before).
Even if I had been born a natal female, I still think I would have been a tom-boy.
There are certain things that I really like about my past. I like to collect pocket knives. I also have a mean collection of watches, writing instruments and a disgustingly self-indulgent collection of parisian and italian sunglasses. I guess my point is this... some things really don't have a gender attached to them.
I see GG's riding Harley's who are VERY feminine and very attractive. It doesn't make them 'butch' just because they enjoy the feeling of wind in their face. It doesn't make a man a woman to put on a dress, likewise it doesn't make ME a woman just to wear female clothes. I think I'm finding my balance... and I'm finding out that personal choices and preferrences of otherwise inanimate objects, does not define my gender. Too many people get hung up on throwing their entire male existence away and then single mindedly focus their attention on building a new construct that is every bit as fake as the old one.
I'm becoming ME, and ME has both female and male attributes, and that's alright. Just as our bodies have both male and female hormones coursing through them constantly in disproportionate amounts... so are our lives made up of many influences and events that shape and reshape us through time.
Please, please don't limit yourself. Don't get stuck trying to embrace some completely stereotypical, characterological image of a woman. Be yourself, be every little last minute detail of who you are. Then no one can take anything away from you, no matter how you choose to dress. Until next time... Peace and God Bless!
This is me standing in front of my favorite piece of furniture.
Narcissistic? Not ME!!!! *muffled snicker*
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the following people for
their love and support,...
Mary N.!!!! I owe you a great deal! You reached out to me when I was just
a voice on the phone, Thanks Sis!
Janel, you were there in the begining too, Thanks so much, My big Sister!! {{{Hugs}}}
Robyn Shanor, what can I say Sis? Love Ya'!!!! You're a blessing.
Dr. Kate T., You've helped me more than you can ever imagine!
Marissa, what a wonderful, unique person you are! Thanks for all your help.
Hope to see you this summer.
Heather James, Thanks for letting me bend your ear on the landline! One
of these days we'll get to yak at the meeting.
My love and thanks also to the LSV, TGEA, and Magic girls!
Tom B., Tom T., and Dave S.!! These are the guys that I play the blues with. They are really Cool and supportive!! They were more interested in my musical talents than worrying about the ramifications of having a transitioning transsexual in their band. For that alone,... I think they are some of the Coolest people I know!!
My childhood buddies, cohorts, confidants, and most important,... friends
Ron and Jim. Everyone should have friends like these guys. Ron, you mean
a lot to me, I love you, and I'm glad you're back in my life. Jim, we have
a lot to catch up on but I appreciate your openess and understanding! I
could never manage to say this in my past life, but I do love you both!
Want to see a picture of my housemate? It's 20 years old but she still has the same beautiful face and cute grin. Here's a few fresh ones of her...
She appears to be saying; Sup' Yo'? Why you buggin' wif my girlfriend?...
...and here; Don't let me catch you puttin' yo' mitts on her!!
We've experienced some intense joy and pain since we've re-connected and she realized I wasn't the same person she fell in love with 13 years sgo. She's been instrumental in helping support me, and preparing me to go full-time,... Yeah!... I love her a lot!! Recently we've decided to be more independent of each other. We've both got plenty of isues to sort through... and both of us have a real need to be alone with ourselves, and time to contemplate who we are and where we're going.
Mom & Dad, you may never get to read this, and I believe I've told you
this numerous times... I love you, and I respect you both, if not for your
willingness to stay connected to me, (even though I know in your hearts
you oppose what I am doing) this whole journey would seem empty.
Back to...
What about me?
In the beginning...
The Chase is on...