Sick-jokes, Animal-jokes, Adult-jokes, Vulgar Humour. Your Momma won't like this 'cos she's probably in some of these jokes.
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Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates are all travelling on the same flight. The plane crashes and all the passengers and crew are killed instantly. The next thing they know they're at the Pearly Gates and God is on duty, it would appear to be St. Peter's day off.
God turns to them and says,
"Gentlemen, you know that you can only gain entry to heaven depending on your beliefs."
He looks at Boris Yeltsin and says, "Tell me, what do you believe?"
Yeltsin replies, "I believe that all men are equal and each should share whatever they have."
God says, "That's good, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, come and sit at my left hand." He then turns to Bill Clinton and says, "Tell me, what do you believe?"
Clinton replies, "I believe in democracy and freedom of speech."
God says, "Yeah, that's good too, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, come and sit at my right hand."
Finally, turning to Bill Gates He says, "Tell me, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates looks God squarely in the eye and replies, "I believe you are sitting in my chair."
(Thanks to Martin Mathis for passing that one on)
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
(...found on an internet page)
A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah blah blah.... " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are way out of the farmer's price range.
Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"
Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."
Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."
So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
(...found on an internet page)
A guy wakes up on his day off, it's a beautiful sunny morning, he yawns and stretches, jumps out of bed and pulls his kit on. As he makes his way downstairs he can smell the bacon his wife is frying for breakfast. She looks up as he walks into the kitchen and says,
"Hi Honey, you're looking good this morning."
"Thanks love," he replies, "you know? I feel great today."
She brings the breakfast over to him and says,
"But, you ought to get a shower darling, `cos you smell pretty rough."
Well, that's it, he hits the roof, breakfast goes on the floor, the walls and the ceiling and he storms out of the house dialling a number on his mobile phone.
Half an hour later he's in the pub with his best mate. His mate tells him he's looking good and he replies that he's feeling great, but that his wife says he smells. His mate can only agree.
"Oh no," says the guy, "what am I going to do....?"
He phones the Doctor's surgery and makes an emergency appointment as his personal hygiene is of great importance to him.
When he gets to the Doctor's room the Doctor says, "Hi, how're you doin'? You shouldn't be here, you look a picture of health, you look really good."
"Well," says the guy, "it's like this.... I got up this morning and my wife told me I look good, I tell her that I feel great and then she tells me that I smell rotten."
"As a matter of fact you do hum a bit." Says the Doctor.
"Yeah, I went to the pub with my mate and he said the same thing." Says the guy. "What do you reckon it is Doc?"
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'm not entirely sure. Just hold on a minute, if you don't mind."
He leaves the room and returns a moment later with an enormous medical book. He flicks back and forth through the pages and grunts. He leaves the room again and returns with yet another elephantine volume, flicks through the pages, grunts and scratches his head.
"Excuse me a moment while I make a quick call to a colleague," he says to the guy.
He explains the problem on the phone but you can't hear what the other Doctor is saying. Then he hurries out of the room and returns with a skinny, battered and dirty little book. He plonks it on his desk and turns to the last but one page runs his finger down and says,
"Right, there it is, it's as clear as day now....."
The guy is looking pretty worried by now, "So, what is it Doc?" he stammers.
"Well, you look good, you feel great and you smell rotten...... you're a cunt."
(My favourite gag so far this year, Thanks Col!)
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