I met Inca way back in 1942. We were both 75 years old and ready for retiring, after a hard life, working in the mills and mines. We lived together for about 5 years, until we were 70, when we decided that maybe we should go to school... there is only so much you can learn from your fellow workers, digging around in a mine. So we enrolled in school when we were 65. Now we're 16, and we haven't looked back since. All go, go, go. It seems like only yesterday that we met... but that could be because the last time I saw her was yesterday. Ok, it was today. But I had you going for a bit there, didn't I? Any ways, we�re the best of friends, always getting along, never fighting�
(Door opens and Inca walks in, and settles herself down next to Ness)
What the hell are you doing here? This is my interview, get out of here, go do something, I didn�t interrupt yours! (tries to push her off the seat)
Inca: (pushes back) Actually you did. Quite frequently, and rudely if I remember correctly.
Oh that you remember! Not when I tell you I�m gonna be home early and to leave to key under the mat, and you didn�t, and I got sick from being caught out in the rain!
Inca: I�m losing sleep over that I swear.
Why are you here again?
Inca: To make sure you don�t sully my good name.
Good at what exactly? Oral or Ana� (Inca pinches her)
Inca, don�t you have a souffle in the oven, don�t you think you should check it?
Inca: My souffle! (jumps up and runs out the door)
(Under her breath) Daft that one.
Inca is the kind of girl you could let make you dinner. She's a good cook, and she has, on many occasions, fed me, when I was starving. It's not just that she knows how to cook that makes me admire her, it's the presentation of the meal as well. It's not an ugly looking food with her, it's all about looks as well as taste. A quality long lost to the dinosaurs.
Some people think she's weird... but I know for a fact that she's just different. And sexy. And saucy. She constantly propositions me in English and the sad thing is, our class is so used to it, that they don't even pay attention.
She likes wearing cool socks. (Leans forward conspiratorially) I like to steal them from her when they�re new and give them to homeless people, without her knowing. It drives her crazy! She thinks there�s some kind of conspiracy out there against her, to make her buy heaps of socks.
(Pondering) Actually there was one time, we were in a musical together, Wolfstock, or something like that. I lent her socks and she didn�t give them back for about two months. Maybe she was trying to get me back. Maybe she knows about the whole sock/homeless people scam.
No wait she never gave them back, she bought me new ones�that�s it (jumps up) the crazy bitch just likes buying socks!
Inca: who likes buying socks?
I was just telling that story of when you lost my socks and thoughtfully bought me new ones.
Inca: (Preens) Yes it was thoughtful of me wasn�t it?
(Ness rolls eyes)
How�s the souffle?
Inca: Very good in fact. (fire of inspiration) Hey, why don�t you tell them about the time in 1971 when you got completely �off your posterior� drunk, and you went for a walk and couldn�t find your way home again.
Ever!
And I found you wandering around in Dallas, Texas of all places! (laughs)
(Ness dead panned) Yeah, Inca, cause that was a riot.
Inca: (Hysterically laughing) And you were raising cattle!!!!!
Do you smell burning?
(Inca jumps up) SOUFFLE!!
Our friendship blossomed out of the most peculiar situation, and it was mere chance that I was the cop that arrested her in 1756 for trafficking bread. I wish that I had actually taken her to jail, rather than eating the break with her. I was thrown off the force for that.
Why do I put up with her, you ask? Well lets see, she�s boring, and stuffy, and never wants to do anything, and makes fun of me, and she kicked the door I had my face against in her interview, and she thinks she oh-so-smart with her big words like ponderous and posterior and obsidian. It�s black you idiot! Just say black! No one cares you know another name for it!!!
What was I saying? Oh yeah why I put up with her�well there�s the cooking thing I mentioned earlier, and the fact I she�s the walking butt of a practical joke, and well�she�ll always be there with bail money and when I feel bad she�ll cheer me up, and� I guess she�s a good person, really, after the stuffiness. Way after it.
Yeah that�s why I put up with Frosty the Snow Bitch. She�s a good person.
�And she told me why I shouldn�t drink seawater.