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Dear Adoptive Parent

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Dear Birth Mother
The term birthmother is used for search purposes, and to link to other sources which use the term. I am personally against the term birthmother, and will only use it while referencing other sites, and also for satire.


There are so many problems with the way "Birth mother Letters" are sold to women who are considering to place them. So, as a Mother who lost her child to adoption, I decided to write my own. Please read it here: Dear Birthmother

If you are considering placing your child for adoption, please browse through this website, and become aware of the consequences, the help you can receive to keep your child, the propaganda they sell to you to get your baby, and the emotional roller coasters you and your baby will go through for the rest of your life. Remember, that you will be hurt and your baby will be hurt by this separation, forever.

When you feel grateful, because of all the help the aparents might be giving you while you are pregnant, and you feel guilty, like you "owe them" your baby, remember that they get it all back in their taxes thanks to Bush's bill giving a tax credit of 10,000 dollars to adoptive parents. They also took on the AdoptUsKids website. Here are the financial benefits to adoptive parents.

Buying you gifts is just one of the expenses adoptive parents go through. I thought of throwing up a dear birthmother letter on adopive sites, and discovered, wow, it is expensive! Just to list a site, hundreds of dollars. If you want them to make a dearbirthmother letter for you, even more. It could cost thousands of dollars, even. Craziness. This is just for the Dear Birthmother Letter!!! So, don't feel like them spending a couple hundred or even thousands of dollars on you, your medical payments, your whatever makes a dent in their lives. You don't owe them a thing. They are using you and trying to guilt you into giving them your baby. Also consider that they won't ever pay medical coverage for labor and delivery. They may even feel more like the parents of your child when being allowed to pay for your pregnancy. Shame on them!

Here are some experiences that other mothers had after surrendering their rights:

"Birth-" Mothers Exploited by Adoption Overview: "Why Birthmother Means Breeder", How are babies were taken, Resources for keeping your baby, Voices from Exile, and other support links.

Here is Heather Lowe's website, as she talks about her experiences. A Birthmother's View of Adoption: Suggestions for Reform She talks about her struggles, her pain, as well as ideas of how adoption could be better. She talks about how a mother who loses her child to adoption is looked at as negative, what it is like to experience the child's birthday, Mother's Day, and other family holidays. She also talks about the psyhchological problems that occur from the mother child separation. Here is her article, Broken Promises which talks about the promises made to mothers before they signed the papers giving up their children, and what happened afterwards.

Here is Brenda Romanchik's story as she talks about the different phases of grief that she experienced, as well as a poem. This is a good site to understand the feelings you may have if you lose your child.

Here is an article called, Why Solicitations to Obtain Babies for Adoption Must be Outlawed. This goes over the technicalities of the birthmother letter, and the trauma that the mom and child go through for the rest of their lives.

Here is a story called, New Directions in Adoption, Stop Tearing Family Apart. It is another mother's story of grief of losing her child to adoption. Here is a clip, Adoption has life-long consequences and is especially inhumane when a mother wants and loves her child. Rather than pressure her to get her child, people should just help her out.
Did you know?


The History of adoption, is that women were sent off to "maternity homes". They are still around, check out this site: The Adoption Law Center Network. Better believe, that they aren't concerned about you, At All. And, if you have any problems, because they are a law firm, and a bank (they give out loans to adopting parents), you will be Screwed.

Here are some other 'Havens' for mothers looking to lose their child to adoption: Courageous Choice. Just by the way, it is not a courageous choice. A courageous choice is based on a person knowing exactly what the outcome of the situation will be, and doing it anyway. Most people have no idea of the pain and destruction to both the mother and child will be, and when they learn about it, they regret their decision.
FRC"At Family Resource Center we respect and support all of your decisions. We are an adoption agency that puts birthmothers first." No adoption agency puts mothers first, mothers aren't paying them. In America, whoever has the money, has the power, and that is in the hands of the Adoptive Parents.
Golden CradleOh, look, they don't just offer a house, they offer a homeAgencies know, that most women considering adoption come from broken homes, unsupportive families, sometimes abusive families or relationships, etc. They are trying to make you feel 'safe' here, by giving you something that you lack. Remember, these adoptive parents aren't adopting you, they are adopting your child, and the day they get him or her, you have no rights, and they have no obligation to keep in contact with you, even in an open adoption.
New Beginnings Here it states, You have a choice, choose life. In order to really make a choice, you have to have more than one option. And, I mean more than one Good Realistic Option.

A New World Awaits doesn't exactly say that they give housing, but that housing is available in some states. I'd like to point out here, that some of the myths are actually truths that they attempt to discredit.

  • Myth 1: Birth mothers should not consider adoption because people will think that you are a bad person. You may think that if you consider adoption for your child, you are a cold, uncaring, selfish person. Maybe you're afraid others will think you don't love your child. In fact, women who make adoption plans for their children are among the most courageous because they put their child's needs first. You may speak to birth mothers who have already placed a child for adoption and struggled with this issue. You will see how much they love their child. Allowing your child to be born, rather than choosing abortion, is a loving choice. Choosing to place your child with a family that can provide a stable, loving home is an act of love and sacrifice, not an act of abandonment.
    Fact: No matter what people tell you about how much you love your child, which is a pretty obvious statement, it will not stop others and how and what they think of you. Some people will consider you a bad person. (See courageous above.) It is also an act of abandonment, and the child may never get over the feeling of abandonment. No matter how many times the aparents may say to the child, "your mother loved you so much she gave you away", it will not make sense, because this is not a sensical comment for a healthy relationship. And, if the aparent loves the child as much as the natural mother, then she too will give her up. Any other love is less than that based on this statement.
  • Myth 2: A birth mother will not know how the child is doing after the adoption. You may think that you will never know anything about your child's future life if you choose adoption. But today sharing information is very common. As the birth parent, you can help to develop an adoption plan that has the degree of openness you want from pictures, letters, or videos to in some cases open adoptions.
    Fact: You will not know what happens after your child is adopted. Every adoption is different, and the person who has control over whether you get pictures or updates is up solely to the aparents. If they suddenly decide they don't want to send you anything anymore, then there is no legal action you can take.
  • Myth 3: Adoption is an unacceptable solution to an unplanned pregnancy.Perhaps you're ruling out adoption because you think you have an obligation to parent this unplanned child. Remember, just because you got pregnant does not mean that you are ready to be a parent. And even if you aren't able to be a parent at this time in your life, you are still a good person and may be a wonderful parent when you are older or in a different situation.
    Fact: Most women, irregardless of their age aren't 'ready' to have a child. They are again using tactics to try to make you feel good, and use that good feeling to make this decision which they will make money on if they convince you to give up your baby. I read a book that stated, "Who benefits by me thinking this way?" It is a great question to ask before you make these kinds of decisions.
  • Myth 4: A birth mother should forget about the child released for adoption. If you believe you should forget about your child when you choose adoption, your decision will be very hard to live with. If you make an adoption plan for your child, you will not forget and will not want to forget your child. You will want to live without being emotionally crippled by your loss. You will want to remember your pregnancy, your baby's birth, and those precious hours shared with your child in the hospital. Remember, you'll feel that you made the most loving, mature, and selfless decision possible, given your circumstances. Remember too, that when the child reaches age 18, it's up to the child if he or she will want to have a relationship with you. Our adopting parents will always tell the child how wonderful you are and what a wonderful act of love it was to place the child with them.
    Fact: See Myth 1 on the illogical "she loved you so much she let you be adopted" statement and the feeling of abandonment. Your decision will be very hard to live with, irregardless if you want to forget or not. You will never forget, even if you want to, and even if you don't make an adoption 'plan'. Also, this idea of making a plan is an attempt to make you feel as though you have choices, but the reality is, adoption is the choice of the agency and the adoptive parents. Ask what other real option you have, and then it will be a choice. You will want to live without being emotionally crippled, but may not be able to, as adoption is an emotionally crippling loss, irregardless of how you 'plan it'. You will not necessarily feel you made the most mature, loving selfless decision possible. In fact, it is a very selfish decision, to live 'without' the responsibility of raising your child so you can live 'independently'. Just because a couple who are unable to have a child will remain without a child doesn't make it selfless. And, most women find it too painful to remember those moments with their baby in the hospital, or wherever they were.
  • Myth 5: Birth mothers will have regrets if they choose adoption. Some birth mothers are afraid that if they choose adoption they will have regrets or never be happy again. When you recognize such fear is caused by a misunderstanding about adoption, you don't have to worry anymore. Your regrets over losing your child can be painful, but knowing that you selected the right adopting parents and the child is doing well usually prevails. Remember the adopting parents will not interfere with you two having a relationship after he or she becomes of age.
    Fact: Many women who lost their child regret their decision. It is likely that if a mother doesn't regret it, it is because she is not able to be in touch with her feelings because it is too painful. Some women are never happy again, and some women and some adoptees will commit suicide because the pain is so overwhelming. Also, although the child will have the ability to search for you once they turn 18, it is very difficult, probably unlikely that a reunion will happen. And, although the aparents can't physically stop them from searching, they do tend to use emotional manipulation on the child to make them feel guilty for asking questions or for the child to search. Myth 6: A child doesn't really need a father. Studies show that children benefit from having good, nurturing parents who can provide both positive father and mother role models. Two-parent families - where fathers take their responsibilities seriously and parents support each other - can be vital to a healthy childhood and strong family. Relationships, self-esteem, and achievement all can be positively affected when a child is able to grow up in a two-parent, loving home.
    Fact: What they are trying to do here, is to make you feel inadequate and overwhelmed, as if you can't do it all yourself. There are other forms of help available, and you will not be doing this on your own. Also, keep in mind, that no relationship is indestructable, and aparents can get divorced just like any other married couple.
  • Myth 7: Will the adopting parents love a child as much as the birth mother can? Adopting parents will love their child as fully and selflessly as biological parents. Good parenting is a matter of unconditional love and acceptance and consistently nurturing and caring in a way that puts the needs of the child first. Adopting parents love their children as much as if they had given birth to them. When you meet the parents and get to know them, in most cases you will wish that they could also adopt you.
    Fact: Here they go with the idea of 'adopting you'. Remember, once you give up your child to them, you will not be a part of their lives. They want your baby, not you in their lives. And, in fact, you in their lives would be a reminder that they didn't give birth, and most aparents don't want to remember this. Also, in terms of love, there is a different kind of love that adoptive parents can give to the child. Typically, adoptive parents feel insecure because they are not the 'natural parents'. They always think of the natural mother, and want to forget about her completely. Oftentimes, too, aparents will smother their child with too much love, for their own lack of security.


    • Politics and adoption


    Do you know what politics, Bush and adoption all have in common? Well, The National Council for Adoption is a very well known government adoption organization. Guess who's on the board? George and Laura Bush. So, when they make all these anti abortion bills, these tax breaks for adoptive parents, these ineffective abstinence only sex education classes, and stem cell research (when they grow up to be embryos they can be adopted) rest assured, they aren't thinking of you.

    Did you know, that Laura Bush adopted a child? But, when she got pregnant, she returned the child to the country it came from.

    And, Hillary and Bill were in the "talking stages" of adopting a child, and Hillary is very proactive in the promotion of the adoption business. Read the PBS Interview.
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