MARS AND VENUS
ON A DATEA Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating
to Create a Loving and Lasting RelationshipJOHN GRAY, PH.D.
Harper Collins Publishers
Designed by Elina D. NudelmanThis book is dedicated with deepest love and affection to my soul mate and wife, Bonnie Gray. Her radiant love continues to bring out the best in me.
Contents (this online version includes chapter 1 only)
Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi 1 Mars and Venus on a Date 1 2 Finding the Right Person for You 9 3 Stage One: Attraction 34 4 Stage Two: Uncertainty 46 5 Stage Three: Exclusivity 65 6 Stage Four: Intimacy 90 7 Stage Five: Engagement 109 8 Making It Through the Five Stages 130 9 When the Clock Keeps Ticking and He's Not Wearing a Watch 143 10 Men Are Like Blowtorches, Women Are Like Ovens 155 11 The Dynamics of Male and Female Desire 177 12 Men Pursue and Women Flirt 195 13 Acknowledge Men and Adore Women 202 14 Men Advertise and Women Share 214 15 Why Men Don't Call 234 16 To Call or Not to Call 253 17 Men Love a Woman with a Smile 269 18 Women Love a Man with a Plan 292 19 Why Some Women Remain Single 305 20 Where to Find Your Soul Mate 320 21 101 Places to Meet Your Soul Mate 339 22 And They Lived Happily Ever After 355
Acknowledgments
I thank my wife, Bonnie, for once again sharing the journey of developing a new book. Parts of this book are directly inspired by the beginning of our relationship when we moved through the five stages of dating.
I thank our three daughters, Shannon, Juliet, and Lauren, for their continued love and for their insight and brilliant feedback regarding many of the ideas in this book. A special thanks to Shannon for managing my office while I wrote this book.
I thank the following family members and friends for their suggestions and valuable feedback to the ideas in this book: my mother, Virginia Gray; my brothers David, William, Robert, and Tom Gray; my sister, Virginia Gray; Robert and Karen Josephson; Susan and Michael Najarian; Renee Swisko; Ian and EIley Coren; Trudy Green; Martin and Josie Brown; Stan Sinberg; JoAnne LaMarca; Bart and Merril Berens; Reggie and Andrea Henkart; Rami El Batrawi; Sandra Weinstein; Bill Sy; Robert Beaudry; Jim and Anna Kennedy; Alan and Barbara Garber; and Clifford McGuire.
I thank my agent, Patti Breitman, who has always been there at every step of this book, and I thank my international agent, Linda Michaels, for getting my books published around the world in over forty languages.
I thank my editor, Diane Reverand, for her expert feedback, direction, and advice. I also thank Laura Leonard, Meaghan Dowling, David Flora, and the other incredible staff members at HarperCollins for their responsiveness to my needs. I could not ask for a better publisher.
I thank the thousands of individuals and couples who have taken the time to share with me their insights and stories about being single and getting married.
I thank Bonnie Solow, Robert Geller, and Daryn Roven for their assistance in producing the audio version of the book as well as Anne Gaudinier and the other staff members of HarperAudio.
Introduction
In past generations, the challenge of dating was different. Men and woman wanted a partner who could fulfill their basic needs for security and survival. Women looked for a strong man who would be a good provider; men searched for a nurturing woman to make a home. This courting dynamic, which has been in place for thousands of years, has suddenly changed.
The new challenge of dating is to find a partner who not only will be supportive of our physical needs for survival and security, but will support our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs as well. Today we want more from our relationships. Millions of men and women around the world are searching for a soul mate to experience lasting love, happiness, and romance.
It is no longer enough to just find someone who is willing to marry us, we want partners who will love us more as they get to know us: we want to live happily ever after. To find and recognize partners who can fulfill our new needs for increased intimacy, good communication, and a great love life, we need to update our dating skills.
Even if by good fortune you find a soul mate, without the right dating skills, you may not recognize him or her and get married. Eighteen years ago I was lucky enough to meet my soul mate but not skilled enough to make the relationship work. Bonnie and I dated for about a year and half. Although we loved each other very much, we didn't get married.
We broke up and went our separate ways. Four years later, we got back together. This time, because we dated differently, we eventually got married and have lived happily ever after. By creating the right conditions for love to grow, our hearts opened, and we experienced a "soul love," which "loves no matter what." Discovering this unconditional love was the result of first creating the right conditions for love to grow.
The first time we dated, we eventually knew we loved each other, but not enough to get married. We hadn't yet felt the inner knowing that comes when the right conditions are satisfied. Without an updated approach to dating and relationships, we mistakenly concluded that we were not right for each other.
The second time we dated, with a new understanding of how men and women are different, we were able to make our relationship work. As we grew together in love, our hearts opened. It was then that we were able to experience unconditional love for each other. We were soul mates. With this confidence I proposed marriage and she was able to accept.
As a relationship counselor, I began sharing these new insights in counseling sessions and in my seminars. The results were dramatic and immediate. With this new understanding of how men and women think and feel differently, couples were able to improve communication and start getting what they wanted in their relationships. With renewed hope, they were able to find a deeper love in their hearts, heal and release the old resentments that may have closed their hearts, and rekindle the fires of romance and passion.
Encouraged by these practical benefits in my own marriage and in the lives of my clients and seminar participants, I went on to write "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus", which has now sold more than ten million copies worldwide. A bestseller in more than forty languages, it has helped men and women around the world.
My office continues to receive more than three hundred calls and letters a day from people who have greatly benefited from the book and workshops. Besides the seminars that I personally teach each month, hundreds more Mars/Venus workshops are being given around the world by trained Mars/Venus facilitators. While this simple message has been helpful to so many couples, something was still missing for singles.
Repeatedly, singles and dating couples have raised questions that were not directly answered or dealt with in "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus". In the process of finding practical answers to their questions over the last twelve years, the ideas, principles, and insights of "Mars and Venus on a Date" were formulated. This book is directly written for singles and dating couples who are interested in finding true and lasting love.
Yet married couples will also find these principles and insights invaluable. Couples who are happily married can enjoy these ideas from the perspective of how they can add to the playfulness and romance in their relationship. No matter how good a relationship is, there is always room for growth. Even the best athletes still listen to their coaches for feedback and direction.
Married couples who are experiencing difficulty in their marriage may discover what is missing in their relationship. Quite often couples skipped one or two stages of dating, and this affects their marriage adversely. By going back and going through the dating stages, many couples have reunited in love.
Married couples who want to rekindle the romance of dating will benefit greatly from this practical guide. By reviewing the elements of a great date and putting them into practice, they can once again experience the passion and romance they felt in the beginning. By applying these simple insights, they will not only rekindle the fire of passion but learn how to keep it burning.
The insights contained in "Mars and Venus on a Date" provide practical answers for the most common frustrations singles and dating couples experience. So often in our dating relationships, we misunderstand and misinterpret our partner's actions and reactions. With a correct understanding of our different ways of thinking and feeling, dating can be a source of joy, support, pleasure, and fulfillment, instead of a potential source of frustration, discouragement, worry, and embarrassment.
With this new approach, the clouds of confusion associated with dating begin to clear away. As you read "Mars and Venus on a Date" and begin to experience the practical benefits of this shift in your dating approach, you will begin to discover that you already know a lot more than you thought. When a few missing pieces of the puzzle are found, suddenly everything can fall into place.
Supported by this new approach, you will find the motivation, skill, and confidence necessary to find the right person for you while you enjoy the dating process. As you read through this book, the feelings that you have deep in your soul will be validated. This common sense approach explains all of the most frustrating moments of dating and provides a clear plan for success.
No book can tell you if a person is right for you, but a book can point you in the right direction and assist you in creating the right conditions so that you can know. When the principles and insights of "Mars and Venus on a Date" are put into practice, you will be prepared to meet and recognize your soul mate.
This book has many suggestions that may not be right for everyone. They are only suggestions. More than anything, this book will provide you with the information to assess a situation and to make the right decisions for you.
As with my other books, there are many generalizations about men and women. This does not imply that all men are one way or all women are another way. It just means that many men and many women are that way. If you don't perfectly fit the generalizations, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. When you meet someone whose behavior is different from yours, pull out your copy of "Mars and Venus on a Date" and use it as a guide to help make sense of that.
Some people may be tempted to keep this book a secret. It definitely gives you an edge in knowing how to win over the opposite sex. But there is an even greater benefit in letting your date know that you have read it. If you both agree with many of the principles and values, you will be able to trust each other more right from the beginning.
Discussing the ideas in "Mars and Venus on a Date" is a great way to get to know someone. Many dating couples have done this with "Men Are from Mars". Reading "Mars and Venus on a Date" together during the various stages of dating will be even more useful.
Sometimes it is difficult to discuss your wants and needs in a relationship. If this book fairly represents what you want, then it will assist you in communicating that to your partner. One of the greatest values of these insights is that they are expressed in language that is fair and supportive to both sexes. You can talk about the differences between Martians and Venusians without stepping on each other's toes.
If the values in this book resonate with who you are but they don't resonate at all with a potential partner, it may be a clear sign that that person is not right for you. This is not always the case, though. Someone may just not like my style of writing about dating, love, and relationships. Even if he or she is closed to reading a book about relationships, it doesn't mean this is not the right person for you.
The real test is going through the stages and seeing if you can get your needs met. Even if your partner doesn't read "Mars and Venus on a Date", you will gain the power to bring out the best in him or her when you read it. Then you will know if this is the right person for you.
Women commonly make the mistake of quoting authorities to change a man's behavior. Even if a man likes my books, it is a good idea not to quote from them. Particularly with men, a request for change is best heard when it is personal and based on what you feel is right for you, and not what a book says is right.
For years women have asked me how to get a man to read "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus". The answer is the same with this book. A woman should ask a man what he thinks about some of the ideas that describe men. By asking him to read that section to answer her questions, she is not implying that he needs this, but that he is the expert about men and that his expertise could help her. Men love to be experts and they like to be helpful. As he reads the text, he may find that it is very interesting and helpful for him as well. After all, if he is from Mars, how is he supposed to understand Venusians?
When "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" was first published, mainly women bought it. As more men heard about it, this trend changed dramatically. Now, after it has been a bestseller for four years, men buy it just as much as women. Men are also interested in having better relationships; they simply needed to discover that it was a "male friendly" book.
Another approach to motivate a man to read this book is simply to ask him to do it as a favor to you. You should not imply that he needs it, but that you would love to discuss it with him and that it would help you. When approached the right way, many men are happy to read it. Some men just don't read. If that's the case, lend him a copy of the book on tape or watch the videos together for fun. These same suggestions could also apply when a man wants a woman to read the book.
As you read "Mars and Venus on a Date", lightbulbs will go on in your mind. Suddenly things that never made sense will start to make sense. This shift will help prepare you to find and meet your soul mate. When you can clearly understand your past mistakes in this new light, you will not have to repeat them. With this new understanding, you will be released from past patterns and be free to create the relationship of your dreams. You will quickly discover that you do have the ability to find the right person for you.
It is a great pleasure for me to share "Mars and Venus on a Date". It is the culmination of twelve successful years of assisting millions of people like you to improve communication with the opposite sex. By successfully understanding and meeting the challenges of each of the five stages of dating, you too will find true and lasting love.
April 4, 1997 Mill Valley, California
Mars and Venus on a Date
During my relationship seminars, single women often come up to me and describe in great detail what they thought was a wonderful date. The question that follows is almost always the same. Every one of these women says, "I can't understand why it didn't work out." If everything went so well, each wonders, why didn't he want to pursue the relationship? To most women, men are still a mystery. Their questions often reveal a complete misunderstanding and misinterpretation of men.
Women ask:
How do I attract the right guy for me?
Why do men talk so much about themselves?
Why don't men call back?
Why don't men commit?
How do you get a man to open up?
Why do I have to do everything to make this relationship work?
Everything is great, but my partner doesn't want to get married and I do. What can I do?
Why do I keep getting involved with the same kind of guy?
A woman's questions tend to revolve around one issue:
How do I secure a loving, lasting relationship? Women want to make sure they can get what they need in a relationship. Men, on the other hand, have different questions. Their questions focus on making sure they are successful in their relationships but also reveal a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of women.
Men ask:
How do I know what a woman wants?
Why are women so indirect about things?
Why do we start arguing about the littlest things?
Why can't a women just say what she means?
How do I know if she is the one?
Why does she always want to talk about the relationship?
Things are fine now, so why rock the boat and get married?
Why do women ask so many questions?
Although men's and women's questions reflect different orientations toward dating, they do have two things in common: Men and women want their relationships to be loving, and they definitely don't understand each other. We feel powerless at times to get what we want in our relationships.
It might seem hopeless, but it is not. Once men and women learn how they approach dating and relationships differently, then we have the necessary information and insight to begin finding the answers to our questions. Without a deeper understanding of our differences, it is inevitable that we will continue to misinterpret our dating partners and create unnecessary problems
HOW WE UNKNOWINGLY SABOTAGE RELATIONSHIPS
When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly. A woman may mistakenly conclude her date is "just another man incapable of making a commitment" and give up. A man may think his date is another woman whose needs may smother him and take away his freedom. As a result, he loses interest.
No matter how sincere you are, if your partner is misinterpreting your innocent and automatic reactions and responses, your attempts to create a relationship may be unsuccessful. It is not enough merely to be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well. For this reason there are times when we cannot just "be ourselves". Instead, we must hold back our initial gut reactions and measure our responses in ways that will communicate where we are coming from.
It is not enough to merely he authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating, you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well.
Making sense of the opposite sex frees us to make decisions and choices conducive to getting what we want, but in a way that works. To do this, it is essential that we have a deeper understanding of the different worlds we come from. While I have explored many of these differences in my previous book, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus", there are many issues specifically relevant to being single that were not covered.
A deeper understanding of single men and women can be immensely helpful in navigating through the five different stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, commitment, intimacy, and engagement. With this new insight, it will be easier to interpret each other's behavior correctly and act accordingly.
THE FIVE STAGES OF DATING
Stage One: Attraction
In stage one of dating, we experience our initial attraction to a potential partner. The challenge in this first stage is to make sure you get the opportunity to express that attraction and get to know a potential partner. With a clear understanding of how men and women approach dating differently, you will be able to put your best foot forward.
Stage Two: Uncertainty
In stage two, we experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain that our partner is right for us. The challenge in this stage is to recognize this uncertainty as normal and not be swayed by it. To become uncertain doesn't mean that someone is not right for you. When you are dating someone who seems really special to you, it is quite normal suddenly to wonder whether you wish to continue dating that person. Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a man to drift from one partner to another and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her.
Stage Three: Exclusivity
In stage three we feel a desire to date a person exclusively:
We want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. We want to relax and have more time to share with our partner. All of the energy that went into looking for the right person can now go into creating a mutually loving and romantic relationship. The danger in this stage is that we become too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make our partners feel special.
Stage Four: Intimacy
In stage four we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed enough to let down our guard and share ourselves more deeply than before. The opportunity of this stage is to experience the best in ourselves and our partner, while the challenge to deal with our less-than-best sides. Without an understanding of how men and women react differently to intimacy, it is easy to conclude mistakenly that we are just too different to proceed.
Stage Five: Engagement
In stage five, with the certainty that we are with the person we want to marry, we become engaged. In this stage we have the opportunity to celebrate our love. This is the time to experience our relationship joyfully, happily, peacefully, and lovingly. This is a time of great excitement and promise.
Many couples make the mistake of rushing into getting married. They do not understand that this is a vital time to gather positive experiences of sharing together and resolving disagreements and disappointments before the bigger challenges of being married, moving in together, and having a family. This stage provides a strong foundation for experiencing a lifetime of love and romance.
Throughout "Mars and Venus on a Date", we will explore in great detail the five stages of dating and the various questions that come up in each stage. Each chapter will provide you with fundamental insights about how men and women approach dating differently, so that you can correctly interpret your partner and then choose to respond in ways that will not be misunderstood. In this way you will make use of every opportunity to create the relationship of your dreams.
DATING CAN BE MUCH EASIER
Whether you are starting over, just starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing doesn't seem to change:
Dating is awkward and has definite moments of pain and discomfort. For some people, one of the primary motivations for getting married is to avoid dating. Yet dating doesn't have to be so dreary or difficult, nor does it have to seem endless. As a matter of fact, if you are looking for that special someone, the fastest way of finding him or her--and being found--is to create positive dating experiences.
The fastest way of finding a special
partner or being found by someone is to
create positive dating experiences.
Knowing what to expect in each of the five stages of dating makes it incredibly easier. For example, in the first stage--attraction--when a woman understands why a man doesn't call back the next day, even when he is attracted and interested, it frees her from worrying unnecessarily. By learning a new approach for calling him that doesn't minimize her position with him, it frees her even more to enjoy the dating process: no more sitting by the phone wondering when he will call.
In a similar way, this understanding of our differences makes the whole process of dating much easier for a man. For example, when a man understands exactly what women need and what he needs to do to satisfy those needs, then it gives him the confidence that he can succeed in winning over the woman he wants and loves. Quite often, what he would want is not necessarily what she wants. By learning these differences, he can understand what to do at each of the five stages.
THE POWER OF PREPARATION
When we are prepared for what is to come, we are not thrown off guard, nor do we have to doubt ourselves. When our relationships make sense to us, we don't make as many mistakes; we are also able to learn from mistakes and are thus released from making the same mistakes again and again. With this understanding of differences, we can be released from repeating negative patterns.
Learning from mistakes helps prevent
the repetition of negative patterns.
Understanding that men are from Mars and women are from Venus will not necessarily make any date a lasting relationship, but it will make the process of dating more fun, more comfortable, and more rewarding. Sometimes it will help you to realize sooner that you are with the wrong person. This clarity will make it easier for you to move on to finding the right person. The sooner you discover that a person is not right for you, the sooner you can move on and find the right person.
Through understanding the five stages of dating, you will clearly know where you are and where you want to go. When you are stuck in a pattern, you will be able to realize how to break free and move on. Without a doubt, when you are ready to fall in love with your soul mate, someone you connect with from your soul, your mate will be there. Through taking the risk of following your heart and exploring relationships with the intent to find the right person for you, you are preparing yourself to find true and lasting love.
Also by John Gray, PhD. Mars and Venus in Love Mars and Venus Together Forever Mars and Venus in the Bedroom What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Men, Women and Relationships What You Feel, You Can Heal MARS AND VENUS ON A DATE. Copyright 1997 by Mars Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
For information address HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.
HarperCollins books may be purchased for educationial, business or sales promotional use. For information, please write Special Markets Department, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.
FIRST EDITION